Walk Alone IV

Dear God

जिंदगी मौत एक जैसी थी, लम्हा लम्हा मगर जिया हमने

अब जो करना है तुमको करना है, हमसे जो बन पड़ा किया हमने

Separations are difficult, to say the least. This transition is the most difficult one I have ever come across. God, I have travelled far and wide in search of love and I am yet to find it. I have a desire to meet you now, my Maker. But I know my time on your earth is not up yet. I have a really long life ahead of me. I have to go through the motions just like everyone else. God, I am not sure of the path from this moment onwards. I have complete faith in You and with that faith I will take one step at a time. What happened yesterday was unexpected but I know You may have a plan in place for me. I don’t know if my loveless life and overbearing personality was a part of Your plan all along. But I am sure of one thing now. No one knows me in and out. People have made some pretty wild guesses but no one comes close.

God, courage is all I pray for. Courage to accept the challenges You have thrown my way. Courage to be peaceful in times of this turmoil. Courage to face my life alone, unaccompanied. Now people have been jumping with the idea of marriage left, right and centre. You know I lost my faith in that institution a long time back. When I see marriages being fixed like business deals, I simply can’t believe the idea of soulmates being joined in an unbreakable bond. Breach of contract seems more important than breach of faith here. How can a bond so sweet be based on superficial things like money, gifts and background? Personality traits and story of life is still missing from the bio-data in marriages.

Everyone around me looks for a more profitable deal and I am one of the lost causes. Too enlightened, too outspoken, too independent and too overpowering. I promise to You I am not one to wallow in self-pity. Pity is one thing I do not seek. I will continue to be as merciless as possible with me. Trusting with abandon is one of my many vices.

Thank You for this opportunity to flex my strength. Love You God.

As your love remains unchanged

Dear God

Sample this:

You don’t deserve this position you are in. I wonder how you became an officer! You are here only because of reservation; you have no talent.’

Thank you for saving me from the car crash. Yet again my baby is suffering due to over-speeding, reckless morons who have literally no value of human life. It was a horrible experience to say the least. But thankfully by Your Grace I escaped unhurt. How I wish I was sheltered from my life the same way. Whatever happened I would be safe in my own little zone. But no such luck!

We are on speaking terms now. Huge relief! But the unfinished business lingers on. The blame has been placed once again on me. All set to make me feel like an awful person, he says and does things which make me feel unworthy of love. According to him I am an incompetent and lousy person. Or so he says. But somehow my heart refuses to believe his renditions of my incompetence. I see myself all day. Fighting his fights, running his errands, accommodating last moment changes. All this while doing full justice to a job of my own.

I so wish he was aware of the impact of his cutting remarks on me. Maybe he does and that is why he is all set to kill my self-respect. But my resilience refuses to back down. It is a losing battle though. Every single day my little inner voice tells me I did my best and every single day he rats out my shortcomings.

Do I lack conviction God? Do I really lack vision? Effort perhaps? Do I? DO I, GOD???

Every day I set out to seek these answers and every single day I fail to get them. I AM A FAILURE…keeps ringing in my mind. His tenderness took my breath away the other day. His cruelty pierces my heart now. Hard to keep up with the kind and extent of humiliation he subjects me to. Is it really my fault God? You tell me. Am I really the filth he calls me? I really hate the way he says ‘Sab tumhari tarah nahin hote.’

I feel abandoned just like in the past. But nothing new. I was always destined to be alone…I wonder why I even tried. Being the difficult person I am. What happens in my life doesn’t come as a surprise. Let Him go, God and give me the courage to move on. Please.