The weaker sex???

Dear God

Picture this:

'Mam I wish you played sports. Wanted to see you in shorts…'

'Unmarried ladkiyan n jane kyu tours par chali jaati hai. Wo bhi akeli!'

'Tumhe to kuchh kaam rehta nhi hoga. I am sure you can give more time to socializing.'

‘Pata nahin itna sab kuchh kaise hoga? I don’t even know how to do a train reservation…

These are the words of my colleagues, ladies I know and random people I meet in due course of my employment. I was shocked at the blatant sexism and ignorance. The most shocking part of these conversations is these are people I know. The words of people who work with me or under my supervision or else well educated people who have suddenly started lecturing me on the perils of being a working woman. I am shocked to say the least and disgusted at their attitude.

Moreover, I am tired of the damsels in distress I have come across. These are all grown up men who have everything in the world including android phones and social media presence. Yet they are unable to make travel plans, book tickets or order stuff online. All of them need overpaid secretaries who are at their beck and call 24*7.

When a financially independent woman is in a relationship, suddenly the burden of chivalry falls on her shoulders. I have seen them running around making travel plans, organizing surprises and giving lavish gifts to friends and family. They can’t afford to expect anything in return though. I have seen men in their lives saying stuff like:

‘Mere upar to poore ghar ki responsibility hai. I cannot splurge like you.’

‘You really need to save some money. Please work on it. Your financial skills are awful.’

They dare say this to the women who spend no money/ little money on themselves. The need to stay in a 5 star hotel arises from the fact that their companions refuse to accept substandard service and ambiance. The men in their lives want to experience the best of the world but not on their own merit. Yet when she arranges all of it for them they take it with a pinch of salt. They make us feel guilty for falling in love. They call us demanding when we are hardly expecting anything other than their love. Some little TLC costs nothing yet it is a far-fetched dream for women like me. It costs nothing to be nice and yet!!

The worst part is when you confront womanizers. They will fold their hands, make a teary face. Talk like their whole world will crumble if you do not forgive and forget right that second. They start bringing their family in the picture and would repeatedly ask to be reassured. The eyes which bore through your dress would suddenly be lowered. The leery voices laced with disgusting undertones would suddenly be oozing with respect. It all makes me wonder, if they are all that sacred, why make the wrong moves in the first place.

I am so tired of looking for a man who is man enough. Then they dare call us the weaker sex!!

Walk Alone II

Dear God

Sample this:

Tu hai hi isi layak ki 10 log tujhe noche!!

Yuck!! Right? Just because I chose to travel at night suddenly I was the perpetual slut for my family members. With a blatant disregard to my feelings, I was subjected to this acute humiliation only because I dared to travel at night. I was safe, God…You know that. I just wanted to be home in time for my office the next day. That was my only fault. Like the fool that I am, I set forth to pay homage to Maa and pray for the health and safety of my people. This is the thanks I got! Not that I expected anything in return but this humiliation was certainly nowhere in the picture. What is it they hate so much God? Is it the fact that I take my own decisions? Is it the independence or the point blank refusal to be subjected to their idea of a perfect daughter/sister/woman?

And this:

20 juta marenge dimag thikane aa jayega.

I am absolutely determined to stay away from people who fail to respect my dignity. So here I am… It was always him who did the blocking. But now I am ready to welcome him with my silence. My indifference might estrange me to the love of my life, even put some distance. But the peace of mind will definitely be worth it. Always walking one step behind him, I had forgotten my own dignity. But here I am now. Standing up for myself and speaking my mind. Over a considerable period of time, I ignored the jibes at my abilities, kept mum when his misplaced anger hurt me with merciless comments. Also the ruthless declarations that he is going to spend some ‘quality’ time with other women in his wake. Not to forget, his doubts about my integrity, loyalty, love and honesty. My honesty cost me all my relationships so far, so what is one more???

A lot of you may reckon my reaction is overrated. But picture a girl who has been through a lot and wants to be left to her own devices to say the least. I knew the perils of travelling at odd hours but it was a calculated risk as there were others like me as well. But I was the only one whose family member(s) chose to use such derogatory words for her. Also I know the importance of treating someone right. But he should have been there for me in my times of need. I am needy but I am capable too. I welcome the peace of mind which comes with knowing that I am on my own and it is not such a bad thing at all!

The year that was...

A new year; a new person and the same old woes. This year I expected a change and yet here I am. As another ending looms large, I am forced to ask this question again; "Why me; God?" When I started, I had expected a happy beginning for me. I thought I was capable of bringing a change in so many lives; why not bring one in mine. I thought I had a secure and beautiful relationship which will soon culminate into something permanent. Alas!! No such luck.

The only thing permanent in my life is change. From one everlasting oath to another…It has been a long and tiring journey.  I start with a fresh set of courage and it always ends at me believing the worst of me. I wish for this to stop, yet find myself powerless to do so.

God; You have seen it all. Tell me why all the outcomes are so different. I hold so much of love for someone and yet I can’t have him. On top of that, he accuses me of a million things…deceit, cheating, back stabbing and immorality. What has happened to your world God? Honesty, loyalty, truthfulness and love…nothing seems to work. All around me I see people falling in love with the packaging…not pausing to check the stuff within.

Yet my heart refuses point blank to comply. Things would be so easy for me, if only I could shut up my conscience. I know what you have in store for me. I had been sentenced a while back, now only the execution remains. As the love in his heart takes a few dying breaths, I plead once again to you. Stop sending half-hearted commitments in my life which cannot be fulfilled. Please God, give it a rest. This year, I give up on love altogether. Please at least let me enjoy my isolation in peace.  

Amen

Emotional Fool

Hi people

Scene 1: Yesterday morning persistent loud cries disturbed my morning reverie. A little pup was crying out loud for help. I, being an emotional fool rose up to my reputation...picked up the bike and went to check. I found a little pup stuck in a drain, injured and shivering with cold. I picked him up and carried it all the way home. Washed, cleaned and fed the pup and gave him a carton as a parting gift. When I left the pup, he was sound asleep in the carton happily. It felt great..When I came back to check on it, he lashed back at me.

Scene 2 : A stray dog was looking hungrily at the boiled eggs at a roadside stall. I stopped my car, bought some and fed it. The look it gave me made me resolve that I will always stop to help. Then it growled as it ate the last morsels. 

Scene 3 : A teenager who hurt himself was crying out loud for his mother. While he waited, I gave him some water to drink and waited with him. She came and I left him with her. Then I came to know the teenager was a drug addict and it was a self inflicted injury. 

I am an emotional fool. It took a while for me to realize this. The pattern of toxic relationships that I have had says so much about me. I have been ignoring this for way too long. I fall easily for a cry for help, a tear or just a sad face. Help is always extended, no matter what. I am the one who gives lifts to strangers, is generous with her time and money and falls in love so selflessly. I keep on forgetting myself. 

My birthday this year taught me so many things. I wanted to be with someone but I was alone. I could have been with some people had I not declined their invitation. I was waiting for something which never happened. It was a futile effort. The love I have in my heart is not only abandoned and doomed...but ignored and trashed. As the love of my life hurled insults at me, I shed silent tears like the helpless person I am. 

Why am I so helpless God? What makes me so? Why is it so important to put him on top priority? Why is it OK for him to say he wants to be with someone else and that I do not deserve his company?? On top of that, why was I so happy when he came back. He spoiled everything for me on my special day and then he was back as if all of that never happened. 

When I was a child, birthdays used to be a joyful affair. My Bua used to arrange everything for me. The cake, the dress, the party and that photograph. It is a beautiful coincidence that my brother shares my birthday. No, he is not my twin, a couple of years younger. When I lost her, I somehow lost everything. I am 34 now yet I become the same 5 years old on my birthday. I still expect someone...anyone to arrange the cards, the gifts, the party..and that photograph. One photograph where I stand side my side with my brother once again. 

The Undomestic Goddess : A Review

Hi readers

Having a voracious appetite to read teaches you many things. Escape was one of them when I picked up this book 'The Undomestic Godess by Sophie Kinsella.' This one is a wonderful case study for work life balance, work related stress and career crossroads.

The story line is basically this:

A high flying lawyer in London suddenly finds herself in a 50,000 pounds pickle when she thinks she messed up a client' s debt claim. This is the first mistake she made in years and she is so dazed by it that she boards a train and goes out of London where she lands a housekeeper's job by mistake. This is one mistake she hardly regrets. This is the story of two careers, two mistakes, two ways of life and two choices.

There is something very wrong about companies who don't allow you your personal space, me time, family time and expect you to take every situation as an emergency. How can you just live like that? Also one mistake and you lose years of work - great work that you did for them, How?

Shady top management with their own hidden agenda used her to manipulate the situation. On top of that, they made her believe it was her mistake. It made me wonder how many such people there are who would have been sacrificed like this - their hard work gone. Many times, they succeed. In this one they failed but mind you, this is just a story.

Then she lands up the housekeeper's job. For the first time in life, she knows what it is to have a life. She discovers the joys of leisure and free weekends. She unfolds the mystery of the world beyond the blackberry.

This book taught me an important lesson: Your job is important but not more than your life. You can do anything, be anything and go anywhere as long as you have faith in yourself. Also that at any point in your life, you can start all over again.

The Showdown

Dear God

One sleepless night...So much to think and reflect about. A journey of a thousand miles and I wonder how far I have come . God You know I have always been so grateful to you for everything. Even this humiliation I came across today. Why? I have often wondered why is it so difficult for me? It has always been so difficult. I marvel at my strength and a fresh surge of relief engulfs me. I ain't no quitter. 

Sometimes I feel I shouldn't have been like this. But then I wonder how would I feel if I let myself suffer in silence. Or give up on everything and just let myself go with the flow. At times I know you make me face the tides heads on. It's a good thing though.

But then sometimes, my heart just can not take the unfairness of it all. You know that I have always tried to do justice to whatever responsibilities You have entrusted me with. I have had a very blessed life, sheltered and privileged. Thank You

But now I am confused God. I don't know what the right path is...All I know is that I have but one life. If I cannot live it with dignity then maybe I should not exist at all.

The Chauvinist in You - Little things speak big

Dear Men male chauvinistic pigs

Lately I have experienced so much of this hatred directed towards feminism notions. I felt the need to take a stand and sorry, your efforts to scare me through trolling have failed miserably. So here I am to clear the cobwebs in your mind:

The word feminism instills hatred and fear in many. Also smirks, sideways glances and a lot of criticism. Not to mention the ages old notion that 'Ladki padh padh ke pagal ho gyi hai. kitabi duniya mein rehti hai. Sachhai se iska door door tak koi vasta nahin.' Well no, LOUD AND CLEAR NO!! My books and my deep and irreplaceable love for them does not facilitate illusions, it clears them.  For instance, this illusion of ‘A knight in shining armor who will come on a white horse and be my eternal bliss’. My experience in life taught me that to be happy I do not need a man by my side. I need to learn to love and accept myself the way I am and take charge of my mighty steed. And no, it does not mean the men in my life are useless. Fathers, brothers, boyfriends and lovers…they need not be the focal point of your life. You can be happy all by yourself too. Provided you stop letting them be the decision maker in your life. IT IS YOUR LIFE…TAKE CHARGE.

I tried the same when I purchased my dream car. As I told you all earlier, the agency in question distorted my name in so many ways. I am still having a hard time convincing them that I am the sole owner and decision maker regarding it. They feel the need to take approval from my father, my friends and any and every male figure they can find around me. On top of that, a random person whom I do not want to name has the audacity to ask me ‘Jitna tumhari salary nahin utna to is car ka kharcha hai. Kaise manage karti ho?’ My first instinct was to lunge on him with a war cry. Dare he call me by my first name! On top of that, questioning my earning! His blatant disregard led to me blurting out, “I earn enough to support myself and four more as well. Do not worry!!”  What is the problem with people these days? They constantly invade my privacy and most of the time end up stepping on boundaries and my nerves as well. It is high time the society learnt that it is equally rude to ask a woman her earnings or how she can afford something or how she makes ends meet!

Learn it the hard way then, Dear Men male chauvinistic pigs