Mismatched : The isolation no one talks about

Mismatched: The isolation no one talks about

Dear God 

Sample this: 

You have friends with matching interests and you exchange notes from time to time on the books you have collected and read. Even going as far as collecting the same ones together and planning to read and discuss them sometime. The sometime which almost never comes. 

You are at a place in life when you decide you will diversify your savings profile, invest in some real estate and share market. You invest some money and watch it rise and fall daily. You long to discuss the stocks with someone or maybe discuss which is better as a real estate choice. But your friends are at different places in life and you just are not at the same page. You do it all by yourself. 

You have made some pretty great connections but they live in different far-off cities and it is simply not possible to go to their place or invite them to yours. The best option is to meet them one at a time but coming together as a group seems a far-fetched dream. You hope and dream but, in your heart, you know they simply can't. You stick to video calls, phone calls and Instagram stories to stay connected. You pour your heart out but secretly long for lazy coffee dates with them in cozy restraunts or long all-nighters with each reading your favourite book side by side. 

 You stay alone because of your career needs and they, they stay with their parents or marital homes. Their days, their routines, their needs and concerns are all really different from you. You deeply care for each other; in your heart you know you are so different in your circumstances. You can share your concerns with each other, even understand them. Yet you are never on the same page.

This sense of security seems a farce, an anomaly. What kind of emotional security is it when you know your friend needs to get the hell out yet you watch her cooped up in a six by six 2-bedroom flat in desperate need of fresh air and some peace.

You have a thriving career and so have they. Yet your nature of work is so different that they can only listen to your rants but can’t connect or relate.

The beautiful thing about long distance friends is they are closer to you than those around you. Yet sometimes you wish they lived not so far. When you share this to them, they call you. Sometimes you can go but sometimes you wish you open your door one day and they just barge in. Yet the planning and the execution is left to you.

As an independent woman, it is really hard to trust someone with the planning and control of the circumstances. But that’s a discussion for another day. Today we talk about the same world we live in yet we live lives that are poles apart.

We talk about your emotions laid bare for all to see yet you have to take them through day by day, word by word. I started writing because I wanted someone to find this and share the isolation. Yet now writing this seems like I am shrieking on a mountain top and my screams are landing in empty valleys.

We are alone in this world stuck within out tiny worlds which sadly are poles apart and may never intersect.

We feel empowered with the freedom yet tied down by the circumstances. We feel productive with our plans yet have no one to share the accolades with. Sometimes in life, when you were on the stage, you wish to climb down the stairs and be able to hug your near and dear ones who have watched you perform. The applauses are there but the hands are not theirs and it hurts in ways I cannot comprehend. How much can I tell them, how much can I share? How much of my world can they see through my eyes? We are together in spirit yet mismatched in life and why?

 

Corporate Blues: Creating a safe workspace

 Dear God

With all these admirable measures taken about Gender Sensitivity, Inclusiveness  and Prevention of Sexual Harassment of women at their workplace, things are looking up for sure. Now the womenfolk can balance work and home in a more effective manner and stay safe. But what about their emotional safety? What about decision making power, what about valuing her opinion? What about accepting that she can manage her assignments effectively and independently. Why is it difficult for a skilled and accomplished women to showcase her efforts? Why are people simply undermining her efforts, negating her contributions, and overriding her judgement with some of their own? Why in an office meeting, a woman if present is constantly organizing snacks, ordering lunch, asking for preferences when the men around her are engaged in spirited discussions about the topic. Why is her every move under a scanner all the time.

 

Why is she supposed to arrange the aesthetics around her workplace… like its not enough that she must keep her home spick and span, she must come to the workplace and get it sorted to look like some elite class country club…. When office maintenance is going on, her room is deliberately left out Despite repeated reminders. Why there are no adequate washrooms for her? Why she must run home every time she needs to pee?

 

Why is someone’s jealousy and insecurity obstructing her path in so many ways? Why is she feeling that she is constantly not being heard? Why is she being labelled difficult if she refuses to behave like your secretary …. Why is it that when she is asked to send an email, she sits on her desk and does it. Why is it that when you are asked to send one, you call the staff and dictate? Why is it that you expect her to take the dictation? Why is all the drafting been done by her and you are just showcasing everything as if it was your own work? Why is the door of the higher authority locked for her and you can simply walk in? Why is it that you enter a shouting match with your boss and can walk out without a scar while she must soften her refusal and lay it down gently. Then too she is having a hard time convincing the boss.

 

Why is it that you have mismanaged your assignments since quite some time now and all that ruin is evident in the shoddy situation at the office. Yet you are the sataya hua person. When she misses a deadline, she is immediately labelled incompetent and careless. Why is it that you spread all kind of rumours about her and people believe you. Yet when she voices the facts, no one is listening.

 

We have come far in terms of including women in the workplace but the truth is that we have simply given her a place to work. But the security and nurturing for her to thrive is still missing. Sometimes she has great potential but she is labelled as some arrogant bitch. She might be the sweetest of souls but people must know her at a personal level to believe that.

 

She must constantly be on her guard, looking over her shoulders for your next move. While you every time stoop to new levels of all kinds of low (the latest being trying to intimidate her by calling her at odd hours in your corner office). Yes, I know, you have not made the move yet… but you are just testing the water. If I do not object to your hand on my shoulders right now, the next thing I know your hands will slide down…

I cannot wait for you to do that; this is my place of work not a brothel. I will stay safe and I will keep those around me safe from you. If you cannot handle someone more skilled than you, thats your problem not mine. Now when you see me, I will look into your eyes and openly call out your false claims of me being exceptionally arrogant with you. Hang on mister!

 

PS: It takes more than threats and subtle digs at my conduct to break my confidence… try harder!!

 

Corporate Blues: Isolated

 Dear God 

Sample this:

You are in a team meeting planning an event and suddenly the Team lead randomly says: 

You must keep your ego aside and work on this like a team...understood (All the while looking at you) and Bam! (Your Name) loud and clear for the whole room to hear. 

You wish to just dive deep into a hole and never emerge. Thoroughly embarrassed by this random comment by your superior in front of your colleagues, peers and juniors..that too by someone who has known you long enough to understand you are a helluva team player. This is someone who has assessed your abilities and given you top ratings. Someone who has appreciated your skills and complemented your efforts. 

Instead of motivating you for the humongous task ahead you have now been labeled as a problem child! A weak link in the chain and now you are left with two options…

A.Become a pushover and let them walk no…no…stomp all over you.

Or 

B.Respond aggressively and hog all the credit….

Being the drama queen that I am, I chose the third…walk away.

Opportunities can come and go but your self respect remains. One of us has to put a stop to this random hurtful behaviour which they labeled as discipline. It's not discipline to shame your subordinates for being vocal about how you or anyone else for that matter treats them.

One of us has to be the flag bearer of appropriate behaviour in official settings. However stressed you are, it's not ok to shout at us…

No matter what you have heard about us, it's not ok to state your judgemental opinions in official settings. 

And no matter how close you think you are…. it's not ok to rebuke an adult like a child!!

There is a time and place for everything and this…Sir! Was certainly not the place…

Patronising women in official settings makes it difficult for us to be authoritative. As it is, women are labeled as too bossy or too soft or too uptight or too ... .something or the other. We don't need this too!!!

I know people who have trivialised this shoddy show and said you are making a mountain out of a molehill. However, it was my molehill in the first place. I knew what to make of it!

Let others be ok with people walking all over them and killing their spirit. I am not and

 I will never be….

Walk Alone : When you moved on

 Dear Mate 

Last month was filled with so much elation but apprehension on your part. You moved back to a place where you started your journey. A place where you and I became we …. Now I don't know for sure if there is an us anymore. The shock here is I have never known. Seven years of my hopes, love, prayers and dreams and there was never a guarantee that this whatever we have will bloom into something permanent or wither away with time. It has done neither.... 

There were times when I strongly felt there was no presence but a mere shadow of a relationship in my life. Yet sometimes the shadow became a shade in the times of chaos and uncertainty. There were times when I thought everything about us was worthless and the very next moment you were right next to me proving that we had something special. At times I have become hopeless regarding our future and thought seriously of moving on in my life… whatever that means. But one thing is for sure, I am not some jogan in your prem who wants to spend her life in the solitude with only your memory as a companion. I am someone who values her independence and knows the peace that comes with my solitude. Why would someone like me dive deep into a family life without the certainty that the person next to me is worthy of sharing my life?

My family has been a source of joy for me lately with the latest edition of nephew and nieces. The little ones’ pitter patter all over my life and their chirpy voices make my heart warm with love and tenderness. Yet I have not forgotten the past where I had been ridiculed, misunderstood, mocked upon and even frowned at. All that can so easily recur in my life if and when I choose the wrong kind of family.

I choose? I have already chosen a life where I myself value and love myself to distraction. I need no other person(s) to tell me of my worth.  You can take it as arrogance, I call it an informed choice. Be rest assured love, you never were and never will be my reason for not moving on in traditional ways. The fifteen days of pomp and show, chaos afterwards. No thanks!!

With my three fur babies (one of them a virtual adoption), loving and caring Bhagwaan, beta and bahu in whom I found soul sisters and my 32 children (and counting) I will soldier on in my life. Always with a smile and the surety that I have been well loved and deeply cared for. I will thrive in the knowledge that I made a difference in my life and theirs. That we have and we will always be walking alone…. Yet together.

 

 

The Subtle Art of Gifting

 Hi Readers 

Sorry for the long pause. Sometimes in life, you can't manage all the things all the while. So you take a breather or a series of breathers in my case and are back with a bang. Life is blessed these days. I have come back to my work like I had never been away and I am happy to report that the work environment now has shown considerable improvement. On the personal front, I forage into the world of literature and am now trying to be a.... ahem ahem published author soon. 

Sample this:

You have some close friends and one of them is having their birthday soon. Now all of your friends come to you and ask “What shall I give!” You are the designated genius of the group so you think hard, explore and give them a few options. That’s when the trouble starts looming. I might be making a mountain out of a molehill yet it bothers me. Not the effort, not the going through the motions of making the booking/purchasing/ planning etc. but the fact that you are supposed to deal with this from end to end.

Lately I have been crazily and hungrily searching for extraordinary gifting ideas. Boy! This market has undergone a radical change. You name it, you have it! 

Well, then came the sly little snake of trouble. My near and dear ones rely heavily on me to find gifts for their birthdays, their special ones' birthdays, and other special occasions. To make matters worse, my own birthday as well. To those who say, 'It’s the thought that counts!' It does but when it comes to what kind of gift was chosen for you or the value of it. 

Once you have taken a few suggestions from your close ones or me for that matter, rest of it should be your own show, I think. The main thrill of gifting is finding something a person wants, not what a person needs. Needs are basic, wants exciting!  

And with so many hints scattered around... my near ones just lean on me to find the perfect gift for.... dhan tanana Me!! Yeah you heard that right. It is my birthday next month and I am supposed to find the perfect gifts for myself... It’s stressing me out. Everyone will once again go through the motions of “Kya chahiye aapko”? Actually a little attention to details from your end would be nice. What makes it worse is “Kuchch pasand aaye to bata dena!”

This half-hearted ‘Buy something for yourself, I will pay’ just does not compare with the thrill of the surprise of finding something waiting for you... something which you neither anticipated nor were looking forward to. Something that just resonated with the receiver! Gone are the days when you had to turn the markets upside down to find something, then pack and send it off. Nowadays mostly ‘a few clicks on the system or your phone’ is all it takes.

A few minutes of your time and the person concerned would be showered with the love you gave them. I have come to a point in my life where moneywise I am comfortable. Although I now never let my guard down and have a kitty maintained for emergencies….Still I enjoy my earnings in a way which was missing earlier. My book collection has grown exponentially and I have collected many beautiful things like handmade diaries in my home.

Even then, if you take the effort of sparing a few minutes for me and find something, it will make me far happier than asking you to get me something of my choice. There are ways of knowing what a person would like or love by simply observing them a little closely. Please do observe and gift them the smile that comes when they find something waiting for them, unexpectedly and surprisingly.

Ciao! 

Unlady-like

Dear God

Picture this:

I was going to park my vehicle and suddenly someone tries to direct you about the ‘how to’ of manoeuvering your vehicle. Or you are in a crowded street and someone narrowly misses your vehicle all the while glaring at you. Now we have two options if it’s a guy he will step down from the vehicle and start a dhishum dhishum right there on the street, a lady will glare at you with daggers in her eyes and move on. Then comes the unladylike yours truly, who will roll down their window; give the person in question some unsavoury words and then move ahead.

God, for women like me you have made certain rules and those rules are meant to be broken. I must haggle with street vendors, deal with repair walas and get my car to the auto centre all on my own.

I handle my finances whichever way I can and regularly dodge financial advices or lucrative schemes. I get a lot of advise regarding how I should or should not do certain things certain way and turn a deaf ear to all. I am constantly being frowned upon by the way I sit, talk, look or behave. I know people want to peak into my private life, but I firmly keep the blinds shut.

And then I get judged!

I am someone who does not know how to depend on someone anymore. I run my household and run it any which way I can. There are days when I don’t feel like getting vegies from the market and rely on maggie for days on end. And there are weeks of healthy eating spree. There are times when I wish I could have someone to plan my trips, pack my bags and take me to the station… and then there are bouts of adulting when I manage all like a pro.

There are times when I feel there should be someone to open the door when I reach home and then sometimes I enjoy the solitude. There are times when I get unwanted attention for simply being there which makes me uncomfortable and then there are times when I enjoy the limelight for the right reasons.

Living alone has its own perks and pains. I welcome both!

Then there are times when I look back on how far I have come and the things I accomplished. I have a little thing about missing the conventional way of life. Yet I feel complete in my own wake.

Then when people call me Not ladki jaisi ladki  I hold my head high, look them in the eye and say:

Right, I’m a tad bit un-lady like and I love myself for that.  

Walk Alone VII

Dear God

One call, one decision, one trip and then this silence from his end. Experience of a lifetime but apprehensions regarding the future. The year started on a very disturbing note when he called and I once again launched a tirade about how we cannot be together anymore. It’s actually exhausting to stay away, then come close and then again having to move away from him. Retreating with my love, care, concern and my ardent desire of being with him.

Of all the people that you could have given me, how come I have this stubborn bu**head? God my stories have never had happy endings and yet I continued believing them. What do I do? How do I contemplate the end? How to cope with always feeling the end is near and yet getting closer than ever before?

O God!!! Sometimes I feel a clean cut would be so much better and I would finally heal. Sometimes I think it is not my fault and I deserve to live whichever way I want. Sometimes my mind revolts at the shear unfairness of it all. Sometimes I doubt if at all he had love in his heart!

Sometimes my heart formulates elaborate schemes to win his love and other times it drowns itself in the depths of depression.

One thing is sure though and always will be. MY life has no place for a half-life and neither for a socially questionable relationship. Whoever has me has to hold my hands and walk besides me publicly.

It took me all I had to take this trip on my own. I almost jumped down from the train or retreated from the airport/ took the return flight to rush back home… And yet here I was.

I got a lot of flake for giving priority to myself instead of being home for some family emergency. But in my defence that the emergency did not happen unless and until I had already booked everything. Moreover, it was dealt already when I planned this.

Meeting Anku was one of the landmarks in my life and the most wonderful way to start my year!

Looking forward to something more soon…

PS: Its hard to think of oneself, loving myself is an uphill task but I am doing well