Walk Alone : The provider

 

Dear God

The flood of words that’s hitting me is insane. There are so many experiences which are calling out to me right now. Years and years of it, all the times I refused my own needs in favour of someone else’s. All those years I struggled with anxiety at the thought of doing something for me and not care about anything else. All the things in my wish list which I saved for one day, someday. All the trips I took and later felt guilty for spending my own money. All my attempts to choose myself first, put my needs ahead of everything else and the giant failure it became.

Let me start from the beginning. I was not a very demanding kid. I had little care in the world and less desire for material possessions. I was born and brought up with so much care. The restrictions I despised then, I adore so much now. Early exposure to the outside world and its lure can ruin you for sure. As a kid, I had my siblings as playmates, my home sweet home with trees, birds and the sweet smell of mud in the courtyard. Time passed, the courtyard was replaced by sets of rooms, floors were added but our quite little lifestyle remained the same.

I had a little allowance back in those days. As soon as I got it, I spent it all. The sparkly stickers, the churan ki golis, chat fulki so much to do.

I remember opting out of buying a two-wheeler for college. I remember going to bookshops or book fairs and somehow convincing myself to buy one or two. I remember moving out of my paternal home and the struggle to secure that one job. The sleepless nights I spent worrying about my future and the education loan Papa had taken.

Then came a golden period in my life with this wonderful opportunity I got. Being a public sector executive is rewarding in so many ways and one of them is money. That is when shit hit the roof.

Friends, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends suddenly wanted to know how I was, what I was up-to, what did do. I was made into this humble little being who hardly shows off her privileged life and shares what she has. It starts small with sharing a toffee with someone and grows into the habit of feeling guilty for doing well in life while others struggle (!). Yeah right…. They struggle because they maintain a lifestyle well beyond their reach. Earning a six-figure salary is pointless when 5 of them go in your credit card bill. I started fumbling with debt early on in my life.

I remember papa making fun of my resolve to pay off my education loan someday with these words, “Beta jab tak tum ko dhang ki maukri milegi tab tak wo loan ka ata pata nhi rahega.” Forget Jab tak, I was scared shitless agar mili hi nahi to!!

God you were kind with me and I got it. Immediately after that, I took over that loan and paid whatever portion of it was left. Then I made a huge mistake. I succumbed to the temptation of an easy loan offer. I needed the money but maybe not such a huge amount. I just reacted to a ridicule made by someone significant in my life. Tumhari koi value nahi hai.  Turns out my signature on the dotted line was worth 10 Lakh rupees. I revamped the house, bought new furniture and then I decided to buy a car.

Just like that, more than 50 percent of my income was gone into that dreaded word EMI. It became an albatross around my neck. For those of you who say, you could have invested the money, bought property, land etc etc, I was a novice back then when it comes to managing money. I was not this wrinkly old wise person I am right now. Then came the very sane and sweet advice Savings kiya karo.  Savings…. For what? This advice comes from people who constantly borrow money from me. If you are so big on that, how come you don’t have a fat little nest egg of your own.

The existing savings patterns are preparing us for the future but do nothing for the immediate needs. PPF, Stocks and dividends, income you earn from the interest on an FD with the original amount locked up, precious metals or gold. None of them is an alternative for cold hard cash in your account. None of them can be redeemed easily without any time lapse. They are futuristic.

Having said that, savings are great. But 10 % of your money should always be ready cash. Imagine you rush to the hospital for an emergency; they will not accept the FD Certificate. They need cash. Buy something and you pay with your credit card; there are hidden costs involved. If you can pay within the payment timelines, pay it now in cash, in full with no future liabilities.

I am a provider. Time and again I was expected to help with their financial commitments. Today I asked that favour back and the answer was no. The sense of urgency they show when they ask for money is missing when I ask it back. They take in bulk and give it back in pieces. It’s like they ask you to bake a giant cake for them and give it back to you one tiny piece at a time. Sometimes finish it all and never offer you even a tasting.

I am tired of baking the cakes, handing them out and waiting for them to let me have a piece. When they bake, they bake behind closed doors.

I am frustrated. If not for this huge financial commitment which is not even mine, I would have not worried for the EMIs. When I bought my car, it was me who arranged the down payment, it was me who paid up the EMIs, it was me who paid the penalty for unpaid or delayed ones. While others got it as a gift. I toiled for years to own my car and here they were having a brand new one with zero liabilities and instant ownership.

And now when I am securing my first property, it is again me who is paying the down payment, scheduling and paying off instalments, adjusting my budget to accommodate and planning for future pay offs. I know when it will be registered, it will be me who does the puja. It will be my journey. While someone just might stumble upon a really really expensive gift, a flat maybe. Once again, not the burden part, only the privilege.

At times, I think when I give my folks money, I should not worry about why they are asking for it or what they will do with it. After all I am only returning what I borrowed. But then I see my hard-earned money being given as handouts to a habitual drunkard. My inner child screams for them to spend it on their own needs or wants, but they end up giving it away with a free hand.

I am the one they come to for every little thing, yet when it comes to the privileges I have none. I shoulder huge responsibilities which are not my own. They borrow money from me and when I ask it back, they term it as “Help”! Really? They commit a timeline when they ask for money yet they need multiple reminders to return it even after a significant time passes. Sometimes not return at all.

Family, friends, relatives all are the same. Alike in their spending patterns, identical in holding that becharepan ka façade when they want something from me. Then becoming absent from my life when I ask it back. Becoming oblivious to the fact that I need it to manage my life. Yes, my life is mine first. I reclaim my privilege of enjoying the fruits of my hard-earned labour with the same absent minded approach to their EMIs, their liabilities and their wants.