Walk Alone : The provider

 

Dear God

The flood of words that’s hitting me is insane. There are so many experiences which are calling out to me right now. Years and years of it, all the times I refused my own needs in favour of someone else’s. All those years I struggled with anxiety at the thought of doing something for me and not care about anything else. All the things in my wish list which I saved for one day, someday. All the trips I took and later felt guilty for spending my own money. All my attempts to choose myself first, put my needs ahead of everything else and the giant failure it became.

Let me start from the beginning. I was not a very demanding kid. I had little care in the world and less desire for material possessions. I was born and brought up with so much care. The restrictions I despised then, I adore so much now. Early exposure to the outside world and its lure can ruin you for sure. As a kid, I had my siblings as playmates, my home sweet home with trees, birds and the sweet smell of mud in the courtyard. Time passed, the courtyard was replaced by sets of rooms, floors were added but our quite little lifestyle remained the same.

I had a little allowance back in those days. As soon as I got it, I spent it all. The sparkly stickers, the churan ki golis, chat fulki so much to do.

I remember opting out of buying a two-wheeler for college. I remember going to bookshops or book fairs and somehow convincing myself to buy one or two. I remember moving out of my paternal home and the struggle to secure that one job. The sleepless nights I spent worrying about my future and the education loan Papa had taken.

Then came a golden period in my life with this wonderful opportunity I got. Being a public sector executive is rewarding in so many ways and one of them is money. That is when shit hit the roof.

Friends, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends suddenly wanted to know how I was, what I was up-to, what did do. I was made into this humble little being who hardly shows off her privileged life and shares what she has. It starts small with sharing a toffee with someone and grows into the habit of feeling guilty for doing well in life while others struggle (!). Yeah right…. They struggle because they maintain a lifestyle well beyond their reach. Earning a six-figure salary is pointless when 5 of them go in your credit card bill. I started fumbling with debt early on in my life.

I remember papa making fun of my resolve to pay off my education loan someday with these words, “Beta jab tak tum ko dhang ki maukri milegi tab tak wo loan ka ata pata nhi rahega.” Forget Jab tak, I was scared shitless agar mili hi nahi to!!

God you were kind with me and I got it. Immediately after that, I took over that loan and paid whatever portion of it was left. Then I made a huge mistake. I succumbed to the temptation of an easy loan offer. I needed the money but maybe not such a huge amount. I just reacted to a ridicule made by someone significant in my life. Tumhari koi value nahi hai.  Turns out my signature on the dotted line was worth 10 Lakh rupees. I revamped the house, bought new furniture and then I decided to buy a car.

Just like that, more than 50 percent of my income was gone into that dreaded word EMI. It became an albatross around my neck. For those of you who say, you could have invested the money, bought property, land etc etc, I was a novice back then when it comes to managing money. I was not this wrinkly old wise person I am right now. Then came the very sane and sweet advice Savings kiya karo.  Savings…. For what? This advice comes from people who constantly borrow money from me. If you are so big on that, how come you don’t have a fat little nest egg of your own.

The existing savings patterns are preparing us for the future but do nothing for the immediate needs. PPF, Stocks and dividends, income you earn from the interest on an FD with the original amount locked up, precious metals or gold. None of them is an alternative for cold hard cash in your account. None of them can be redeemed easily without any time lapse. They are futuristic.

Having said that, savings are great. But 10 % of your money should always be ready cash. Imagine you rush to the hospital for an emergency; they will not accept the FD Certificate. They need cash. Buy something and you pay with your credit card; there are hidden costs involved. If you can pay within the payment timelines, pay it now in cash, in full with no future liabilities.

I am a provider. Time and again I was expected to help with their financial commitments. Today I asked that favour back and the answer was no. The sense of urgency they show when they ask for money is missing when I ask it back. They take in bulk and give it back in pieces. It’s like they ask you to bake a giant cake for them and give it back to you one tiny piece at a time. Sometimes finish it all and never offer you even a tasting.

I am tired of baking the cakes, handing them out and waiting for them to let me have a piece. When they bake, they bake behind closed doors.

I am frustrated. If not for this huge financial commitment which is not even mine, I would have not worried for the EMIs. When I bought my car, it was me who arranged the down payment, it was me who paid up the EMIs, it was me who paid the penalty for unpaid or delayed ones. While others got it as a gift. I toiled for years to own my car and here they were having a brand new one with zero liabilities and instant ownership.

And now when I am securing my first property, it is again me who is paying the down payment, scheduling and paying off instalments, adjusting my budget to accommodate and planning for future pay offs. I know when it will be registered, it will be me who does the puja. It will be my journey. While someone just might stumble upon a really really expensive gift, a flat maybe. Once again, not the burden part, only the privilege.

At times, I think when I give my folks money, I should not worry about why they are asking for it or what they will do with it. After all I am only returning what I borrowed. But then I see my hard-earned money being given as handouts to a habitual drunkard. My inner child screams for them to spend it on their own needs or wants, but they end up giving it away with a free hand.

I am the one they come to for every little thing, yet when it comes to the privileges I have none. I shoulder huge responsibilities which are not my own. They borrow money from me and when I ask it back, they term it as “Help”! Really? They commit a timeline when they ask for money yet they need multiple reminders to return it even after a significant time passes. Sometimes not return at all.

Family, friends, relatives all are the same. Alike in their spending patterns, identical in holding that becharepan ka façade when they want something from me. Then becoming absent from my life when I ask it back. Becoming oblivious to the fact that I need it to manage my life. Yes, my life is mine first. I reclaim my privilege of enjoying the fruits of my hard-earned labour with the same absent minded approach to their EMIs, their liabilities and their wants.

 

 

 

 

 

Dada Kothay?

 

Dear God

Sample this:

Your truly aka I commissioned a new ac in my home sweet home and some technicians visited to install it in your home. I tied up my sweet little pooches briefly but as soon as the person entered the room he says.

 “ Dada Kothay?”. In Bengali it translated to where is big brother? He basically means where is the man of the house… like it’s totally his business. Then he completely ignores you asking him to leave the old ac alone and goes on to inspects it at length. In spite of repeatedly telling him, you just want the new ac installed instead of this thorough inspection of the old one.

Then when he goes to install the outdoor unit, he asks aapka outdoor unit stand par tha ya aise hi hai. You checked beforehand and told him it was mounted on a stand. But aise kaise aapki baat maan lega wo?  After all what does a woman know about these technical things… He personally checks it and lets you know Madam naya stand lagega. By virtue of experience and simple physics you know outdoor stands are generic in nature and there is no need for a new one. But he shows this blatant disregard to you and your suggestions and lets you know finally  Kisi tarah purane me hi adjust kar diya hai!  Yeah genius I told you that three times in a row already.

Downstairs your protective pooch does not like being tied and is barking insistently at the strange men present in his home. Irritated, the technician says, Madam isko dusre kamre me band kar dijiye n!! Moorakh aadmi!  You don’t get to barge into his house and say lock up your kids. I ended up untying my pooches and kept them in the room under my watch. They both instantly calmed down as they can now see what is happening and have taken their stance around your side.

Side note: Dogs bark at strangers especially if they are inside your home. Tying them just worsens the situation. Let them inspect the people in question from a distance and keep them close. They will calm down and under no circumstances you let unknown people approach your pooches.

Now he went on explaining to you at length what the previous mechanic has done wrong with the installation and how he is correcting his faults so you have a functional working efficient air conditioner. Once again, his genius mind trips on the fact that you are supervising their work and giving them inputs like purana plug khol kar laga dijiye.  Abe, I went to your shop yesterday unaccompanied, didn’t call anyone to come with me. Made the payment through my own account and specifically told you to have it installed. Men are simply oblivious to the fact that women can handle their finances alone and without any help whatsoever. It’s like they crave for a man jiske kandhe se latak ke hum demurely kah sakein Aye G safed wala ac le lete hain, wo apne room ke pardon se match karta hai.  Questions about specifications, voltage requirements, inverter friendly or not from a woman are either met with selective listening or them simply saying hum kah rahe hain n ye wala accha hai aap le lijiye.  Reminds me of the time when I purchased a washing machine and selected the colour maroon. He sent me a brown one instead and said, “Kya fark padta hai madamji aapko kapde hi to dhone hain.” I fu** paid for the maroon one, why can’t I have that? Why send the wrong one and then mansplain what I was going to do with the appliance in question. Such are men for you. They refuse to acknowledge women moving about in the society, paying for things they need or want and taking their own informed decisions.

Finally, he starts asking “Who lives here?”  with a curt “I do”.

“Family” They stay in my hometown. “

“Why?  Yaha kyu nahi rahte?”

I almost said “Bhai wo hum n thode se serial killer nikal aaye hain aur unke fridge me n ek mundi kaat le rakh di thi. To wo log thoda darte hai. Aur haan wo mundi aapke pyare dada ki thi han? Par aap mat darna aapki khali ungli kaat ke rakhenge sovenieur ke liye. “

I told them parents stay there because that’s my hometown.

Now he can’t curb his curiosity and asks “Job kaun karta hai?”  Again, my mouth almost blabbers “Har koi jo apne paison par palna chahta hai.”

 Quietely and patiently I say, “Hum karte hain.”

 Next came this gem, “Oh to dada ki jagah mili hogi n?”

(Refers to the practice of giving compensatory employment to dependant family members after demise of the person employed.)

At this point my patience was running thin but being the educator that I am I explain, “Nahi bhai jaise exam dete hain n interview hota hai selection waise wali job hai.”

 Then he finally asks what he wanted to all along, “Husband  kaha rahte hain aapke aur kya karte hain.”

I am exhausted by now and without further ado I tell him, “Bhaiya I am unmarried, this is my house, my job is earned on own merit not granted as compensation and I am the Dada in this house.”

Then comes this gem, His face visibly falls he sighs and says, “Itti badhiya job hai aapki to setlle bhi ho jati. Akele kyu Rahna.“

I resist the urge to say,” Bhaiya humko n poore ghar me har kamre me har furniture par fail kar sone ki aadat hai to aur kisi ke liye jagah Nahin hai.”

Then I told him, “Old ac repair karwana hai. Drawing room me set karenge.”  

Can any of you guess his response? He says,”Uski kya zarurat hai aapko to isi ek kamre me rehna hai.”

What in the name of God is this!!!!!!

 Let me tell you why I just could not confront him. They were three men all working in the room. I was right next to the door huddled with my pooches within shouting or running distance with a knife close within reach in case of an emergency. All I wanted was a working air conditioner. Small talk was another thing but the way he was shocked at me minding my own business in my own home was alarming to say the least. There are times when people have just openly expressed shock, disdain even grief at my personal choices. This one took the cake when he was replacing the curtains he had removed while working.

He said, “Ab aapne single hi Rahna hai to kar hi dete hain. Akhir kaun Karega ye sab kaam.”

Bhaiya ye baat hai to zara pankhe bhi saaf kar do aur kone wale attic se jaale bhi nikaal dena accha!

Lastly when I paid him and he was finally out of my house, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

PS: He ended up texting me on whatsapp later. I blocked him.

Mismatched : The isolation no one talks about

Mismatched: The isolation no one talks about

Dear God 

Sample this: 

You have friends with matching interests and you exchange notes from time to time on the books you have collected and read. Even going as far as collecting the same ones together and planning to read and discuss them sometime. The sometime which almost never comes. 

You are at a place in life when you decide you will diversify your savings profile, invest in some real estate and share market. You invest some money and watch it rise and fall daily. You long to discuss the stocks with someone or maybe discuss which is better as a real estate choice. But your friends are at different places in life and you just are not at the same page. You do it all by yourself. 

You have made some pretty great connections but they live in different far-off cities and it is simply not possible to go to their place or invite them to yours. The best option is to meet them one at a time but coming together as a group seems a far-fetched dream. You hope and dream but, in your heart, you know they simply can't. You stick to video calls, phone calls and Instagram stories to stay connected. You pour your heart out but secretly long for lazy coffee dates with them in cozy restraunts or long all-nighters with each reading your favourite book side by side. 

 You stay alone because of your career needs and they, they stay with their parents or marital homes. Their days, their routines, their needs and concerns are all really different from you. You deeply care for each other; in your heart you know you are so different in your circumstances. You can share your concerns with each other, even understand them. Yet you are never on the same page.

This sense of security seems a farce, an anomaly. What kind of emotional security is it when you know your friend needs to get the hell out yet you watch her cooped up in a six by six 2-bedroom flat in desperate need of fresh air and some peace.

You have a thriving career and so have they. Yet your nature of work is so different that they can only listen to your rants but can’t connect or relate.

The beautiful thing about long distance friends is they are closer to you than those around you. Yet sometimes you wish they lived not so far. When you share this to them, they call you. Sometimes you can go but sometimes you wish you open your door one day and they just barge in. Yet the planning and the execution is left to you.

As an independent woman, it is really hard to trust someone with the planning and control of the circumstances. But that’s a discussion for another day. Today we talk about the same world we live in yet we live lives that are poles apart.

We talk about your emotions laid bare for all to see yet you have to take them through day by day, word by word. I started writing because I wanted someone to find this and share the isolation. Yet now writing this seems like I am shrieking on a mountain top and my screams are landing in empty valleys.

We are alone in this world stuck within out tiny worlds which sadly are poles apart and may never intersect.

We feel empowered with the freedom yet tied down by the circumstances. We feel productive with our plans yet have no one to share the accolades with. Sometimes in life, when you were on the stage, you wish to climb down the stairs and be able to hug your near and dear ones who have watched you perform. The applauses are there but the hands are not theirs and it hurts in ways I cannot comprehend. How much can I tell them, how much can I share? How much of my world can they see through my eyes? We are together in spirit yet mismatched in life and why?