Words, words, words....

Dear God

हज़ारों ख़्वाहिशें ऐसी, के हर ख़्वाहिश पे दम निकले
बहुत निकले मेरे अरमान, लेकिन फिर भी कम निकले

निकलना खुल्द से आदम का सुनते आए हैं लेकिन
बहुत बेआबरू होकर तेरे कूचे से हम निकले*

Words hurt! A Lot...This could probably be the understatement of the day. Words have made me what I am today…insecure, alone and abandoned. What makes it worse is I am deeply loathed by the people closest to my heart. So much has been said about the virtue of straightforwardness but few have survived to tell the tale. 

God, I keep thinking maybe I made a mistake by revealing so much of myself to the world. All said and done, your hypocritical world is really never prepared for the truth. All the efforts in the world could not convince someone of my loyalty. Only because there were people planting well chosen and well timed words about me. I have never felt so powerless in my life, God.

I have been subjected to mockery, ridicule, criticism and what not! I am suddenly feeling so small. I feel wasted…worthless and what not. Trying really hard to get a grip on my feelings, I fail miserably.

God, I marvel at my strength every time I rise from the ashes. But every time, a little part of me dies. Log kya kahenge has never stopped me from making my own decisions or choosing my own path. But now it is my own people who have joined them.

Surrounded by material comfort and financial abundance, I crave for some emotional stability. A far-fetched dream if you ask me. With the speed at which my trust is being broken by my loved ones, left right and centre I don’t know how long I will last.

Just one more thing God - I have been really strong through this all and I thank You for being my guiding and driving force. Please restore my faith in humanity, kindness and love. Help me find some solace. Please!!

* Shayri credits : Mirza Ghalib

Bad day at work

Dear God

It is a man's world or so they say! When women percolate this world, they have to be prepared to be treated as 'women' rather than individuals or the post they hold. Subjected to rude jokes, frequent challenges to their authority by subordinates and more often than not handling responsibilities well beneath their official positions. No job is considered small.

When you are a woman and you are attending an evening meeting which runs late into the night, be prepared to be asked to leave. Yup! You heard me right, leave. That is considered as a courtesy by the misogynistic society. They believe two things: A) You have nothing worthwhile to contribute. B) You really do not need to be kept updated with the happenings. Wrong on both counts, you will be given funny looks when you refuse to leave and even a little pop eye when you choose to contribute.

Ideas, suggestions, talents and opinions really do not count. What counts is whether you arranged or better still prepared coffee for everyone or not. Or that have you taken good care of ladies present at any or every social occasion. Or that how many times you have spent quality time with the ladies! Mind you they are real important.

Heavens forbid if you are unmarried like me. With personal questions and queries, they will rig you to hell and back. Some will play the role of your PR and advertise you to those ‘eligible’ around you, irrespective of your need for privacy and preference. Worse still, the rumor mill will be working overtime. I to have really enjoyed the celebrity status from quite some time!

Tell you what, God! I ain’t no quitter. I will make them understand the true meaning of gender sensitivity. Game on, Boys!

The weaker sex???

Dear God

Picture this:

'Mam I wish you played sports. Wanted to see you in shorts…'

'Unmarried ladkiyan n jane kyu tours par chali jaati hai. Wo bhi akeli!'

'Tumhe to kuchh kaam rehta nhi hoga. I am sure you can give more time to socializing.'

‘Pata nahin itna sab kuchh kaise hoga? I don’t even know how to do a train reservation…

These are the words of my colleagues, ladies I know and random people I meet in due course of my employment. I was shocked at the blatant sexism and ignorance. The most shocking part of these conversations is these are people I know. The words of people who work with me or under my supervision or else well educated people who have suddenly started lecturing me on the perils of being a working woman. I am shocked to say the least and disgusted at their attitude.

Moreover, I am tired of the damsels in distress I have come across. These are all grown up men who have everything in the world including android phones and social media presence. Yet they are unable to make travel plans, book tickets or order stuff online. All of them need overpaid secretaries who are at their beck and call 24*7.

When a financially independent woman is in a relationship, suddenly the burden of chivalry falls on her shoulders. I have seen them running around making travel plans, organizing surprises and giving lavish gifts to friends and family. They can’t afford to expect anything in return though. I have seen men in their lives saying stuff like:

‘Mere upar to poore ghar ki responsibility hai. I cannot splurge like you.’

‘You really need to save some money. Please work on it. Your financial skills are awful.’

They dare say this to the women who spend no money/ little money on themselves. The need to stay in a 5 star hotel arises from the fact that their companions refuse to accept substandard service and ambiance. The men in their lives want to experience the best of the world but not on their own merit. Yet when she arranges all of it for them they take it with a pinch of salt. They make us feel guilty for falling in love. They call us demanding when we are hardly expecting anything other than their love. Some little TLC costs nothing yet it is a far-fetched dream for women like me. It costs nothing to be nice and yet!!

The worst part is when you confront womanizers. They will fold their hands, make a teary face. Talk like their whole world will crumble if you do not forgive and forget right that second. They start bringing their family in the picture and would repeatedly ask to be reassured. The eyes which bore through your dress would suddenly be lowered. The leery voices laced with disgusting undertones would suddenly be oozing with respect. It all makes me wonder, if they are all that sacred, why make the wrong moves in the first place.

I am so tired of looking for a man who is man enough. Then they dare call us the weaker sex!!

Walk Alone II

Dear God

Sample this:

Tu hai hi isi layak ki 10 log tujhe noche!!

Yuck!! Right? Just because I chose to travel at night suddenly I was the perpetual slut for my family members. With a blatant disregard to my feelings, I was subjected to this acute humiliation only because I dared to travel at night. I was safe, God…You know that. I just wanted to be home in time for my office the next day. That was my only fault. Like the fool that I am, I set forth to pay homage to Maa and pray for the health and safety of my people. This is the thanks I got! Not that I expected anything in return but this humiliation was certainly nowhere in the picture. What is it they hate so much God? Is it the fact that I take my own decisions? Is it the independence or the point blank refusal to be subjected to their idea of a perfect daughter/sister/woman?

And this:

20 juta marenge dimag thikane aa jayega.

I am absolutely determined to stay away from people who fail to respect my dignity. So here I am… It was always him who did the blocking. But now I am ready to welcome him with my silence. My indifference might estrange me to the love of my life, even put some distance. But the peace of mind will definitely be worth it. Always walking one step behind him, I had forgotten my own dignity. But here I am now. Standing up for myself and speaking my mind. Over a considerable period of time, I ignored the jibes at my abilities, kept mum when his misplaced anger hurt me with merciless comments. Also the ruthless declarations that he is going to spend some ‘quality’ time with other women in his wake. Not to forget, his doubts about my integrity, loyalty, love and honesty. My honesty cost me all my relationships so far, so what is one more???

A lot of you may reckon my reaction is overrated. But picture a girl who has been through a lot and wants to be left to her own devices to say the least. I knew the perils of travelling at odd hours but it was a calculated risk as there were others like me as well. But I was the only one whose family member(s) chose to use such derogatory words for her. Also I know the importance of treating someone right. But he should have been there for me in my times of need. I am needy but I am capable too. I welcome the peace of mind which comes with knowing that I am on my own and it is not such a bad thing at all!

The year that was...

A new year; a new person and the same old woes. This year I expected a change and yet here I am. As another ending looms large, I am forced to ask this question again; "Why me; God?" When I started, I had expected a happy beginning for me. I thought I was capable of bringing a change in so many lives; why not bring one in mine. I thought I had a secure and beautiful relationship which will soon culminate into something permanent. Alas!! No such luck.

The only thing permanent in my life is change. From one everlasting oath to another…It has been a long and tiring journey.  I start with a fresh set of courage and it always ends at me believing the worst of me. I wish for this to stop, yet find myself powerless to do so.

God; You have seen it all. Tell me why all the outcomes are so different. I hold so much of love for someone and yet I can’t have him. On top of that, he accuses me of a million things…deceit, cheating, back stabbing and immorality. What has happened to your world God? Honesty, loyalty, truthfulness and love…nothing seems to work. All around me I see people falling in love with the packaging…not pausing to check the stuff within.

Yet my heart refuses point blank to comply. Things would be so easy for me, if only I could shut up my conscience. I know what you have in store for me. I had been sentenced a while back, now only the execution remains. As the love in his heart takes a few dying breaths, I plead once again to you. Stop sending half-hearted commitments in my life which cannot be fulfilled. Please God, give it a rest. This year, I give up on love altogether. Please at least let me enjoy my isolation in peace.  

Amen

Emotional Fool

Hi people

Scene 1: Yesterday morning persistent loud cries disturbed my morning reverie. A little pup was crying out loud for help. I, being an emotional fool rose up to my reputation...picked up the bike and went to check. I found a little pup stuck in a drain, injured and shivering with cold. I picked him up and carried it all the way home. Washed, cleaned and fed the pup and gave him a carton as a parting gift. When I left the pup, he was sound asleep in the carton happily. It felt great..When I came back to check on it, he lashed back at me.

Scene 2 : A stray dog was looking hungrily at the boiled eggs at a roadside stall. I stopped my car, bought some and fed it. The look it gave me made me resolve that I will always stop to help. Then it growled as it ate the last morsels. 

Scene 3 : A teenager who hurt himself was crying out loud for his mother. While he waited, I gave him some water to drink and waited with him. She came and I left him with her. Then I came to know the teenager was a drug addict and it was a self inflicted injury. 

I am an emotional fool. It took a while for me to realize this. The pattern of toxic relationships that I have had says so much about me. I have been ignoring this for way too long. I fall easily for a cry for help, a tear or just a sad face. Help is always extended, no matter what. I am the one who gives lifts to strangers, is generous with her time and money and falls in love so selflessly. I keep on forgetting myself. 

My birthday this year taught me so many things. I wanted to be with someone but I was alone. I could have been with some people had I not declined their invitation. I was waiting for something which never happened. It was a futile effort. The love I have in my heart is not only abandoned and doomed...but ignored and trashed. As the love of my life hurled insults at me, I shed silent tears like the helpless person I am. 

Why am I so helpless God? What makes me so? Why is it so important to put him on top priority? Why is it OK for him to say he wants to be with someone else and that I do not deserve his company?? On top of that, why was I so happy when he came back. He spoiled everything for me on my special day and then he was back as if all of that never happened. 

When I was a child, birthdays used to be a joyful affair. My Bua used to arrange everything for me. The cake, the dress, the party and that photograph. It is a beautiful coincidence that my brother shares my birthday. No, he is not my twin, a couple of years younger. When I lost her, I somehow lost everything. I am 34 now yet I become the same 5 years old on my birthday. I still expect someone...anyone to arrange the cards, the gifts, the party..and that photograph. One photograph where I stand side my side with my brother once again. 

The Undomestic Goddess : A Review

Hi readers

Having a voracious appetite to read teaches you many things. Escape was one of them when I picked up this book 'The Undomestic Godess by Sophie Kinsella.' This one is a wonderful case study for work life balance, work related stress and career crossroads.

The story line is basically this:

A high flying lawyer in London suddenly finds herself in a 50,000 pounds pickle when she thinks she messed up a client' s debt claim. This is the first mistake she made in years and she is so dazed by it that she boards a train and goes out of London where she lands a housekeeper's job by mistake. This is one mistake she hardly regrets. This is the story of two careers, two mistakes, two ways of life and two choices.

There is something very wrong about companies who don't allow you your personal space, me time, family time and expect you to take every situation as an emergency. How can you just live like that? Also one mistake and you lose years of work - great work that you did for them, How?

Shady top management with their own hidden agenda used her to manipulate the situation. On top of that, they made her believe it was her mistake. It made me wonder how many such people there are who would have been sacrificed like this - their hard work gone. Many times, they succeed. In this one they failed but mind you, this is just a story.

Then she lands up the housekeeper's job. For the first time in life, she knows what it is to have a life. She discovers the joys of leisure and free weekends. She unfolds the mystery of the world beyond the blackberry.

This book taught me an important lesson: Your job is important but not more than your life. You can do anything, be anything and go anywhere as long as you have faith in yourself. Also that at any point in your life, you can start all over again.