Reflections : Extracts from my personal diary

Dear God 

Gratitude, love , understanding and care all are beautiful things. It has to be a two way street though . Yet we never love the same people back. We take it from someone and pass it on to someone else . Same way we take the hurt, the anger and the resentment and give it to someone who does not have any link with that. The world, the whole world is a victim. All the people are . When is it going to get better- we all think. But we all never do anything to make it better; we never contribute. We just push our anger, our betrayal, our tears, our disappointments back at the world. When in fact, we should just make it right for someone, make it better for somebody in ways big or small.

Life lessons for yours truly…

Dear God

Sample this:

We are in the middle of a conversation discussing personality traits and suddenly this happens:

‘Ek baat puchhu?’ ‘Ab ye mat puchhna ki main tumhare sath hun ya nahin!’

Endless times when we were out of touch for extended periods of time; I asked him this question. It cropped up in many of our conversations and was always an integral part of after fight conversations. Somehow for me, it was always important to have a yes from him. Today when he said this suddenly it dawned ‘If you know, you need not ask. If you ask, somehow you already know the answer.’ It is so wrong to trust someone/anyone with your insecurities and vulnerabilities. On this journey of self-reflection, today I will share my findings with you all.

Chetan Bhagat Sir had known Three mistakes of my life and here I know of these:

a.  Keep your weaknesses to yourself:  The worst possible thing you can do to yourself is sharing your vulnerable side with people. All they do is use them to make you feel worse when you feel bad. Playing to the tune of your insecurities is something so predictable in today’s world. It is akin to bullying normalised.

b. Your secrets are never safe with anyone but yourself: Kisi se mat batana is like cheating on your diet. You know you will end up eating that chocolate cake kept on the table. Remember, just like you trusted someone, this someone in question in turn trusts someone and so on… this is by far the worst chain reaction that you initiate.

c. Never ask anyone else about your personality traits: The opinion in question will always be tainted with their personal experience with you. Remember they can not know your inner thoughts, feelings and experiences. The things you share with people are only tips of icebergs. You and only you will know how your mind and heart works. You have to have faith in your own judgement and perception when it comes to you.

d. When in crowd, play the people pleaser: Mobs are not meant to be a place where you show your insecurities and sob stories. No one is interested in your personal losses and disappointments. If you are feeling sad, hurt, angry or disappointed please keep to yourself.

e. Your smiles are your biggest assets: No matter what is going on in your heart and mind, you have to keep your gaze sharp and your smile intact. Think of it as your nuclear weapon. Indifference to judgemental attitude confuses them and keeps them away from you.

f. Open books are things of the past: Please do not think of being an open book. This age of information overload has ensured that people know you by simply observing. That is why let our personalities be a treasure to be cherished and uncovered little by little. Never reveal it all…

Insane. Am I ….? – The story of a solo trip

Once upon a time in a small city:

‘So you are not coming home?

No, I am planning a solo trip.

WHAT!! WHY?WHEN? I am coming with you…

Please, I have to take this journey alone.

Why? There is absolutely no need and so on and so forth.

He was scared of the possibility and it was evident on his face. His little one, venturing out on her own to a place she has never been before at a time when someone somewhere was getting hitched. Here are her reasons:

1. She is not insane. She is a perfectly mature adult who has the right to go anytime anywhere as she desires. Being on her own only strengthens and empowers.

2. She does not want to listen to how it is not your fault. The fault was all his and he will repent. He will pay for his sins(!) and she will get much better than him. She strictly does not want you to reopen her wounds by saying this or cause any further damage by hurling abuses at her when all else fails.

3. She does not want to look at all the Mr. Eligibels’ profiles dangled in front of her like a bait. Not so soon after she is hurt and is licking her wounds. She is well aware of her biological clock and even then, does not want to be rushed into a decision. She can’t be cornered into making one. She will marry if and only if she finds someone of her choice. But the important thing here is not her finding someone, that someone has to find her.

4. She is in unbearable pain and she is almost doubled up with it. She does not want anyone to see her when she is at her weakest. These last few days of her dying relationship are only for her to bear. She wants to say goodbye in a special way, her way, her very own way. Plus she does not want anyone to have the opportunity to strike this iron while its hot.

5. Why the financial liability – for job security. For helping her carry on with her job She does not want to bother you with her problems. Trust her, this one is on her and if you don’t – not her problem!

6. She wants you to stop fussing over her. She is so far away from everyone right now. Hardly has the will to fight with you or anyone else for that matter. She is doing some things for herself. Neither her reasons, nor her decision is wrong. She is tired, tired, tired. Allow her this respite.

7. No, she is not insane. Not out of her mind… Someone who is planning her every move to the last T is never insane.

Allow her to go on this journey of self-discovery. She will come back when she is ready.

A lot of people may term this as selfish. But she is beyond care now. She knows what she is doing and she will do exactly that. She needs to heal so desperately. She has become a sinking ship which is mustering her last strength to take her ashore. She will emerge better and stronger soon…real soon.

PS: She did…

Conversation kills quicker…

Dear God

Sample this:

“Tumhare pas bahut sa free time hai but mere pas nahin. Tum bekar baithi ho isliye tumhe aise khyal aate hain. Tumhe cooking karni chahiye, bagbaani karni chahiye. Tumhe sunrise ke pahle uthna chahiye. Tumhe basketball (!) khelna chahiye…

Agar tumhe marna hi hai to mera kaam karwa ke tab is duniya se jaana”

The operative here is tumhe. You are the guilty party here for feeling what you feel. That too because you have a lot of time at hand. This one makes you feel even more worthless.

This world is full of hypocrites God. The people who ask you to spend all your money on them are the same who advise you to save some for the rainy day. Moreover, they will be the first to bail out on you in times of crisis. When you are willing to share your hard work and the fruits of your labour with them then they are your best friends. The moment you expect even a little help from them, be ready to receive lectures on self sufficiency and enjoying your own company.

“HELP ME” I can’t spell in any more words. The answer I got is silence and a phone which has been switched off now. He trusts time to do his job. When I ask him why; I am being branded as an attention seeker. It is so easy to attack someone’s self esteem when someone is feeling low. The worst thing about all this is, he accepts what random people say about me. Cunning, conceited, disloyal… the words are all wrong. They are so far removed from reality.

Being needy in a world which only caters to wants is dangerous God and expecting someone to be there for you is even more foolish. You know you have to face these demons alone. He is not afraid to lose you, no one actually is. He is ready to let you go for you have come to a point where he can’t take your melodrama (!). In this world where I am unable to even raise my voice, how do I expect to get a solution?

I don’t. I just have to find enough courage to go on and somehow move to a happy place where I feel light and free. So, help me God. I have to get out of this feeling, all on my own.

……..Silence kills

Dear God

The unbelievable news of actor Sushant Singh Rajput’s death hits us like a hurricane. How could he, why did he, lagta nahin tha ki aisa kar sakta hai and all such words just hung in the air. People find it hard to believe that he is gone. They send love, tributes and share stories of his vibrant and positive personality. All this when he is gone.

When a person steps out of their home, it is hard to see the suffering they have been through. People who spent the whole night crying are the ones who laugh the hardest. People going through difficult times are the ones who console lost souls and impart profound wisdom.

Thinking of all those who left untimely… Friends who could not cope with failure in exams or life I miss them all. Still remember the look in her eyes when I had asked “Is anything wrong? Please tell me if it is.” She chose to remain silent and next what came was the news of her untimely demise.

But can we say with surety that they have never tried to reach out for help? I think he would have made countless calls to people who would have picked up the phone and told him things ranging from “I am busy right now, call me back later?” with no follow up call.

“Its ok, happens to everyone once in a while” – generalizing someone’s feelings.

“You are overthinking everything” – By far the worst because it blames you for what you feel.

“Try to pursue hobbies or interests like reading, games, exercise etc. – Depression takes away all your energy and there is no enthusiasm left for anything. So, to actively pursue anything new and failing at it would end up making you feel worse.

At this point when you are depressed, all you want to do is lie low and do nothing. The body simply wants to shut down, mind is too tired to try. Maybe that is what happened.

A few months back when I was going through a difficult time, my sleepless nights included the thoughts of being one of them. Yet all thanks to You, I never contemplated giving up on life. Hopefully, I never will.

Let's break up....

Dear God

Sample this:

Jo ladki kisi ko apni gadi me bitha ke ghuma sakti hai uske charitr ka koi bharosa nahin. Jo kisi se der raat phone par baat kar sakti hai wo n jane kya kya karti hogi. Jis ladki ke ghar mein uska koi guardian maujud nahin uske yahan aane jane walon ki list yaqinan lambi hogi hi.

Suddenly giving lift to an elderly senior walking past is a grave mistake and a question mark on my character. Lost in a hoard of accusations being flung at me left, right and centre I am once again the centre of attraction of the gossip mongrels. This time it is giving lift… who knew one random act of kindness could be so perceived or offering a cup of tea could wreak such havoc. I have only myself to blame God. The mistake is all mine.

I loved too much, trusted blindly and had immense faith in the goodness of people. My heart is breaking God but I have braced myself for the worst. This time I am prepared to accept what follows even if it is seeing you with someone else. I know that I have ceased to be of use to you now and it is inevitable that you gravitate to someone who is.

God why did You do this to me? Why you gave me courage to face so much so gracefully? But out of all that has happened to me this is by far the worst. I have faced Your world heads on many times but this will be my last battle. I have no further courage to go on. I just want to quit now.

I promise You God I will stop believing in friendship, love, loyalty and all the fine feelings of the world. They are not meant for a person like me. My past experiences are always going to haunt and destroy my present. Why did You have to do this though? You knew his thinking and You knew mine. Yet You chose to bring us both together! Why?

The Glass Ceiling

Dear God

When will I be able to breath free? When will I get out of this fiasco? Is the society ever going to accept working women as thinking beings or they just want us to be overpaid secretaries? I talk too much God and I am not being heard. I am tired now. Every bone in my body aches with the effort. Why is it so hard to get accepted in Your society as a thinking intelligent being?

High ranking jobs, equal remuneration, similar seating positions but a huge difference in the way you are treated. It is hard to discuss plans, ideas, projects when all they do is patronize you! Yeah, no matter how high you go, there is always someone who will try to mansplain it to you. I know no matter how hard I work, no matter how late I go home, they will never see me as a serious working person.

Some of us are used to the treatment we get. Some of us just hand over our responsibilities to others and sign whatever is put in front of them. But someone like me has to question it. This is not what I am paid for. I know it is hard but not impossible. If I give up now and go with the flow, it will be easy but I would not be me.

I have been publicly ridiculed many times in my life. But no matter how many times it happens, I will make sure I emerge victorious. I know no one can see my vision now but slowly and surely, I will carve a place pf my own in Your big- big world. Help me earn my laurels God. Please.

God, please help me carve a place of my own, howsoever small…Please!