Walk Alone IV

Dear God

जिंदगी मौत एक जैसी थी, लम्हा लम्हा मगर जिया हमने

अब जो करना है तुमको करना है, हमसे जो बन पड़ा किया हमने

Separations are difficult, to say the least. This transition is the most difficult one I have ever come across. God, I have travelled far and wide in search of love and I am yet to find it. I have a desire to meet you now, my Maker. But I know my time on your earth is not up yet. I have a really long life ahead of me. I have to go through the motions just like everyone else. God, I am not sure of the path from this moment onwards. I have complete faith in You and with that faith I will take one step at a time. What happened yesterday was unexpected but I know You may have a plan in place for me. I don’t know if my loveless life and overbearing personality was a part of Your plan all along. But I am sure of one thing now. No one knows me in and out. People have made some pretty wild guesses but no one comes close.

God, courage is all I pray for. Courage to accept the challenges You have thrown my way. Courage to be peaceful in times of this turmoil. Courage to face my life alone, unaccompanied. Now people have been jumping with the idea of marriage left, right and centre. You know I lost my faith in that institution a long time back. When I see marriages being fixed like business deals, I simply can’t believe the idea of soulmates being joined in an unbreakable bond. Breach of contract seems more important than breach of faith here. How can a bond so sweet be based on superficial things like money, gifts and background? Personality traits and story of life is still missing from the bio-data in marriages.

Everyone around me looks for a more profitable deal and I am one of the lost causes. Too enlightened, too outspoken, too independent and too overpowering. I promise to You I am not one to wallow in self-pity. Pity is one thing I do not seek. I will continue to be as merciless as possible with me. Trusting with abandon is one of my many vices.

Thank You for this opportunity to flex my strength. Love You God.

As your love remains unchanged

Dear God

Sample this:

You don’t deserve this position you are in. I wonder how you became an officer! You are here only because of reservation; you have no talent.’

Thank you for saving me from the car crash. Yet again my baby is suffering due to over-speeding, reckless morons who have literally no value of human life. It was a horrible experience to say the least. But thankfully by Your Grace I escaped unhurt. How I wish I was sheltered from my life the same way. Whatever happened I would be safe in my own little zone. But no such luck!

We are on speaking terms now. Huge relief! But the unfinished business lingers on. The blame has been placed once again on me. All set to make me feel like an awful person, he says and does things which make me feel unworthy of love. According to him I am an incompetent and lousy person. Or so he says. But somehow my heart refuses to believe his renditions of my incompetence. I see myself all day. Fighting his fights, running his errands, accommodating last moment changes. All this while doing full justice to a job of my own.

I so wish he was aware of the impact of his cutting remarks on me. Maybe he does and that is why he is all set to kill my self-respect. But my resilience refuses to back down. It is a losing battle though. Every single day my little inner voice tells me I did my best and every single day he rats out my shortcomings.

Do I lack conviction God? Do I really lack vision? Effort perhaps? Do I? DO I, GOD???

Every day I set out to seek these answers and every single day I fail to get them. I AM A FAILURE…keeps ringing in my mind. His tenderness took my breath away the other day. His cruelty pierces my heart now. Hard to keep up with the kind and extent of humiliation he subjects me to. Is it really my fault God? You tell me. Am I really the filth he calls me? I really hate the way he says ‘Sab tumhari tarah nahin hote.’

I feel abandoned just like in the past. But nothing new. I was always destined to be alone…I wonder why I even tried. Being the difficult person I am. What happens in my life doesn’t come as a surprise. Let Him go, God and give me the courage to move on. Please.

Solitary Confinement

Dear God

निकलना खुल्द से आदम का सुनते आए हैं लेकिन

बहुत बेआबरू होकर तेरे कूचे से हम निकले।

Sample this:

The sound of shattered glass filled the silent night and to my utter horror I saw the window glass of his car break into pieces. No one would believe that what happened was unintentional. I just threw something without caring for where it was landing. It unfortunately landed inside his car and I had to ask him to retrieve it. Needless to say; he was furious. He still is.

But you know what? He deserved it.

I don’t know if this is the last straw. I don’t know if we can overcome this ever. I don’t know if what I did was right or wrong. I don’t know if I we would ever be able to forgive each other. All I know is we have once again drifted apart.

Everything which happened last night is still afresh in my mind. The day was after all extraordinary! In a surprise move of solidarity, I decided to extend the olive branch to my archenemy. I just thought of the long and difficult time I had to spend alone and decided she need not do the same. All was well till the time I decided to honor her invitation and go to her home in the evening. Big mistake!!

I went in good faith and I have come back with a wound so deep, it will never heal. I will never forget the humiliation meted out to me and the way things turned out. I went to show some support and assure her that she is never alone in her struggles. But what I got in return is unexpected and unimaginable cruelty.

I would have silently endured the derogatory and humiliating treatment meted out to me. I would have walked out quietly and once again shed some silent tears in the privacy of my house. Instead I ended up confronting the person in question. My defiance had surfaced, I refused to be treated like this for no fault of mine.

For the first time in my life, I said a loud and clear “No” to something. I raised my voice and had talked back. I fought tooth and nail against the shabby treatment I was being subjected to. I was hurting like hell on the inside and then this happened. I know she enjoyed the show! 

PS: So much for friendship, eh. I was better off alone.

So much for chivalry!

Dear God

Sample this:

A group of us were recently returning from a short official trip and my house was the farthest. The one who got off last simply asked me to drive to my home and let him know once I reached. Neat arrangement? God, everything was ok with this arrangement except for the fact that it was 2:30 in the night.

As I dropped him home and started braving my journey home, I was having mixed feelings. On one hand I was well aware of the fact that he had driven for more than 200 kms. and was now visibly tired to continue further. On the other, the prospect of hitting the streets alone in the dead of the night for the first time was haunting me. I am a liberated, free thinking person and believe firmly in gender equality. Yet when I chose to drive those last few kms. at that hour, my hands were shaking and prayers were constantly coming out of my lips.

I was really expecting him to call me back and insist to accompany me home. Yet I was feeling bad for him as he would have to double back home when he had already exerted so much. With these mixed feelings I drove on and by Your Grace I reached home. 

I am still confused about whether he did the right thing. He later offered to accompany me on my ride back home but I did not have the heart to say yes. The next time when I confronted him, he said he was only kidding when he asked me to drive home. The joke was on me though. Free thinking women like me are fools God. I risked my life and safety that day.  

To this day I can’t forgive myself for being so stupid. At the same time, I can’t help thinking the men in and around our lives deserve a break. However, with all these issues about women’s safety, I could not help but think “If it was his sister or mother in my place, would he let them do what I did for him?” I already know the answer God. Just because I was not a family member, my security was not a concern for him. One thing is clear in all this dilemma. I have no one but myself to depend and lean on in times of need.

PS: Welcome to Club Expendables…

Truth and Dare

Dear God

Sample this:

‘What happened today still has me reeling from shock. As if those days have returned when he used to threaten me. Today he has delivered someone else’s threat. It is needless to say it’s hers. Gosh the audacity of this woman!’

OK God, confrontation is what they want then confrontation it is! I am in a war zone now and there is no turning back. That was what I was thinking few days back. But that day did not come. For she chose to diffuse the situation by her usual cunning. The confrontation I was waiting for never came.

How I wish someone asked me to clarify the facts instead of weaving tall tales about me! But I don’t think it is going to happen in this lifetime.

I had a tough few months, God. Just when I was able to realign my focus this had to happen. It is all up to me now. I have to prove my mettle in the tasks at hand and just stay out of the clutches of official-looking yet personal in nature outbursts and confrontations.

By the way, the way You chose to teach me the ways of Your world is slightly weird, don’t You think? Why don’t You keep me on a straight no-nonsense path of professional and personal isolation? You have to put me in the line of fire always! Believe me God I would do anything to stay out of the limelight. 

Yet here I am.

They say You chose Your strongest children to endure Your most difficult tests. But frankly, the endurance grid You chose for me is wearing me out now. For once in my life, I want to be ordinary and weak. I have been tried for too long, God. Cut me some slack, please.

PS: I leave it all to You, God. Expose her.

The fair weather friend

Dear God

Sample this:

‘I don’t want to be with you anymore. You are an intensely negative person and you are gradually driving me away from you with your behavior.’

Once again I am to take the blame for a broken relationship. Fair enough, God. I was the one doing all the efforts anyways. The plans, the outings, the dates; the special celebrations everything was chalked out by me. Why not the blame of it not working anymore?

I was such a happy person God. Was I? Really? Nah…I was never a happy person. I felt this constant battle with bad thoughts in my heart and mind and it is a losing battle. I am drowning in this depression thing since I was a child and these days I feel like sinking. I am sinking God and I can’t do anything to stop it. He was my last hope which is now gone for good.

There is hardly any difference between me and a used tissue. I feel the same: filthy, torn and crumpled. God, people who battle depression are really brave. They have an enemy they can’t see. There are times when I wake up with an upbeat mood, do things which are rejuvenating and fun. Then there are days when even getting out of bed takes a lot of effort.

There is sound sleep sometimes and sleepless days I between. I have my writing as a solace and every day I put my words out there hoping they would reach the right person. This social experiment that he chose to do has failed miserably and now he blames me. I accept as usual. The fault is mine. Unless and until I climb out of this hole I will never be able to see the light. Meanwhile, he chose to be with people who are happy and fun to be with. After all, everyone has a right to be happy in life; except me.

He brought me the trap of unconditional love. What the hell does that even mean God? Unconditional love! I’ll tell you what it means? Unconditional love is a rat race. It is a sadistic masochistic phenomenon where you accept the pain of abuse, torture and humiliation all in the name of love. Also cheating, dating others right in front of your very eyes and never accepting your relationship in public. Love has done all this damage in my life all these years. What next?

‘I am leaving you’ has wrecked enough havoc in my life. I wait for the day when even this provocation will stop working. I am waiting for the day when I can say the same to you. I long for one day God when he will understand how and why he has wrecked me. Give him this realization God that he was wrong in coming into a troubled person’s life. Even more wrong when he is choosing to abandon me in my most difficult days. Like everything else, this too shall pass.  I have been through so much then why not one more. I am anyways broken beyond repair. How much more damage can something do?

Rear Them Right!

Dear God

Picture this:

Beta flying kiss do aunty ko.

In a birthday party of about 50 people, the proud mother was asking her child to demonstrate the ‘flying kiss’ which she found cute! Let me be frank with You, there was nothing cute about it. It is intrusive to say the best. Not to mention it puts unnecessary pressure on the child. Your child is not a toy guys. Occasionally showcasing their talent in appropriate platforms is OK but forcing them to express affection to people they hardly know is downright improper. With so many child molesters lurking around, the least we can do is not encourage behavior the child fails to understand.

Having said this, I was reminded of the various talent shows and the children gyrating to songs like Jalebi Bai or Chikni Chameli. These ‘mini adults’ and their patrons fail to realize they are just children. Even after the age of 18, we were forbidden to behave in a certain way. These children are doing so much at such tender age. Not to mention the long rehearsals and the kind of hard work they have to do. Studies and a sense of normalcy have taken a back seat. Having achieved a celebrity status, it will be really hard for these children to go back to their normal lives.

We cannot deny that giving a platform to under-privileged or differently-abled children is a good way to uplift their moral as well as upgrade their socio-economic status. But for the sake of a few talented children, we are forcing those with normal abilities to push themselves.  If we are subjecting our children to this public eye, we should also back them up with the notion that ‘They don’t have to be super children for us to appreciate them. A normal, healthy, well mannered kid is equally important for us as a talented one.’ A whole life lies ahead of them to join the rat race. Why the rush? Why the urgency? Why the pressure? Let us just let them be. For me as a mother, I would be happy for my child playing with his/her friends in the park. Rather than see them pushing their limits in the spotlight.