The fallen woman II

Dear God

WTF!!!!

Ye kya tha? Nahin! Seriously Bhagwan ji kya tha ye?

For a person who claims to be an excellent judge of character, how could he go so wrong? So if I am travelling seated right next to someone, I might be having some crazy scheme to marry him! Is hisab se to duniya mein jitney bhi log bus ki seat par kisi ke bagal mei baithe honge unko alert ho jana chahiye.  Matchmakers delight…Just let the two people sit next to each other on a journey…problem solved.

God I am tired of these antiques. Here I was making a genuine effort to try and get some semblance of stability in my life. But any happy experience in my life has to come with a cost. There are things in my life which I don’t want to share with anyone…does that make me a devious person? What do I do to be finally understood, God?

Yesterday was amazing in many ways but everything just went down the drain after what he did. It is not his fault though…. The fault is all mine. I forgot I had no right to think of a life without him in it. Even if he is planning to get hitched to someone else within the coming months…Inspite of the fact that he has no plans to give me the dignity I always deserved. I should just soldier on? Be the Mirabai he always wanted me to be.

I lost everything God and now I have nothing to offer to anyone. Yet he claws at my very last attempt to have a stable and happy life. He was right, God. I will never find peace in my life. I am destined to be restless throughout my life. He said and I quote ‘Tum sukun ke liye tarsogi aur wo tumhei kabhi nahin milega!’

Nahi milega to n sahi.  I will still steer my life in the right direction. The one thing he fails to understand is that my life is not a rat race. I will do things but at my own pace and for my own reasons. I don’t want to rush into anything. If and when I do get hitched, I will make sure I have all my bearings in place.

Having said that God, there was no need for all this tamasha that happened. Please allow me to maintain the dignity of my situation and move forward with the grace I always had in me.

Love You, God. Help me!

Leap of faith : The road less travelled

 

Hi God!

This was meant to be a travelogue about a place I had visited recently but like every happy experience in my life this also comes with a huge price. A chance outing with some newfound friends and a very long drive. As he hurled abuses at me in the chat and I kept reading them I struggled to keep my tears to myself. Tumse kaun shadi karega…tumhare koi ek thodi hai… tum kabhi khush nahin rahogi…sukun ke liye tarsogi jo kabhi nahin milega…  Someday I will print the screenshots of all these abuses and throw it at his face.

The reason for this? I failed to ask him/ tell him. I asked mum if I could go and she said yes. But apparently it was not enough as I hadn’t asked him. Not to mention there was no guarantee if I asked him; he would have said yes. I did not tell him about the trip and that is true. But that was only because I trusted my judgement, was going to be absolutely safe. Moreover, I did not want to begin this long journey against his wish.

As he hurled the usual abuses at me, being in the car with 6 odd people there was nowhere I could go. Did I really lie, God? Was I hiding something from him? Am I really the devious, cunning person he accused me I was? Was he really on his way to my home to ask what he said he was going to ask? Was it true that what I wanted all along was within my reach and I lost it due to my own selfish motives? Was it wrong on my part to want to visit a new place?

God You know how I wish he could accompany me all the time wherever I go but at the same time I take my own decisions and retain my freedom. That much I will always retain. If I don’t tell him where I am or with whom maybe I don’t need to.

Sometimes great things are right within our reach and we just don’t seem to notice. As for Singrauli, it never ceases to surprise me. One such pleasant surprise was The Son Ghariyal Sanctuary* and Black Buck deer park*. The experience was once in a lifetime and yet it is blackened by the chat which I keep to remind me that this is the cost of my happiness.

Letter to Juliet Capulet*

 

Dear Juliet

As they say ‘Life goes on.’ When you were separated from your love Romeo through a cruel twist of fate, you chose to end your life and here I am! I chose life, Juliet. In your time, life was pretty simple for us their ladies. You fell in love, you got married and even if you did not you got married. As easy as that. We modern women have so much to think about and yet marriage matters. My love for him might not be as high and mighty as yours but love it is.

Love is when I try to build bridges between two universes which should have never co-existed in the first place. Love is when I am hoping against hope that with faith and time I can always correct wrongs. Love is when I welcome with open arms and let go as if it never existed. Love is when I get cheated and duped and yet have the courage to trust again, love again and get duped again. Love is when I pick up the pieces of my shattered life and learn to walk alone. Love is when I gather all the positivity of the world around me and walk with my head held high.

Love is when I sacrifice all the niceties of the world and chose the isolation. But modern love is never selfless.  It questions, it confronts, it ridicules and sometimes it walks away without turning back.

Juliet, my dear we walk away instead of pining in the dark. We withdraw our affections as soon as they are not returned. We see the love of our life choose someone else and join the celebration. We save our tears for later and show the world our dazzling smiles. Juliet not everyone is as lucky as you were. Love sometimes is not reciprocated, not returned. Love sometimes is disloyal Juliet.

Yet modern love takes pride in our bravery. Modern love sometimes makes you feel like Don Quixote charging at the windmills. Yet we fight this isolation, this abandonment. Juliet, you had allies and me…I am my only ally in this quest for love. The whole world asks me to be practical yet my heart holds on to the hope of being finally understood someday.

Why was life so simple in your time? You had one centre of your whole universe…. the love of your life. That too for the sake of simplicity was only one. There was no baggage from the past to wear you down. Your world revolved around just one…even mine does. But in ways unlike yours the centre of my universe keeps changing. Self-respect, independence, dreams, aspirations and ambitions suddenly replace the all-consuming passion of your life and times.

What went wrong Juliet in this quest of love…our quest of love. The dreams are still the same but they no longer need a prince charming on the white horse. Suddenly my heart wants to say ‘Look world! I can walk alone, exist alone and be alone without anyone by my side. Like all the girls out there, my heart yearns for love but with dignity. I wish you were here to tell me a way – one way where both these universes met. Where love and my dreams can peacefully co-exist. Will they? Only time will tell.

Love

Bhavana

*Note: This letter was inspired by the movie ‘Letters to Juliet’

The Braveheart

 

Dear God

As the world around me moves on, I look forward to……What? Calls, schedules, deadlines, events and files…all seem a far-fetched dream. As if it never happened. Yet my humble abode reminds me it is all true. In life we always assume things will always be as they are now, each day same as the other.

Yet I have adapted to this life so well. This free time on my hands helps me self-reflect, see new things, do what I always loved and be what I always wanted to be. I am fed up with putting up a brave front in life now. Sometimes I just want to pick up a baseball bat and smash everything in sight including some heads!

Khali dimag hai na…the devil wants a rent-free accommodation.

All these battles between the heart and the mind are an everyday thing now. Yet I put everything on the line and just watch. Speaking of bravery, as I tolerate the oven fresh accusations, my tears deceive me. For the first time in my life, I am devoid of all feelings. Something in me has just taken a sleeping pill. Devoid of all dread, I face everything head on. The abuse, the torcher, the accusations…everything…...head on.

How could he though? Why did he? What made him think the worst of me only because I chose to be some place I really wanted to be! How is life going to be without him? Challenging to say the least.

I could have lost him to fate God just like all the others. But seems like I lost him to his own misunderstandings. Why did it happen the way it did? Just one day when I was so excited to see something new. I saw that too…but at what cost?

Is it always going to be this way God? Will every happy moment in my life be crowded by uncertainty and gloom?  Sometimes I wonder why You did what You did? Why I can’t be as bad as others are? Why I can’t be as devious?

My questions have no answers God. All I know is I am ready to start afresh. I can build everything again rather than succumbing to their whims and fancies.

Fall from grace

Oh God, Dear God!!

I thought we had mutually decided to part ways or rather I put my foot down and decided to end this non-committal highly demanding one-sided relationship. Then why do I get reminded of the wrong kind of memories at the worst possible times. Now is the time to remember the bad, the worst and the ugly. Instead, I smile when I think of him. I dig out old photographs, check chats for sweet nothings and wish more than ever to hear his voice.

WTF!! What is wrong with me? Doing the right thing is so important but I didn’t know ye kiske liye right hai?  I am hurting him God and I am hurting myself too… Hurling abuses, avoiding calls and meetings is a futile exercise because my hearts longs for sharing everything with him. He still takes the cake when it comes to understanding what I am going through. Yet when he tries to reconnect, I can’t help but be so rude and upfront. It is as if my heart wants to confront him for every missed chance and every single flaw.

God, is this how U wanted my life to be? Loveless and alone…. I do feel a little lonely at times. But my best memories have always been from my solitary times. Solo trips were the best and I always aimed high when I was alone. Yet this emptiness in my heart where he used to be. God why do people come in someone’s life when they don’t intend to stay.

Fuck majburi and all!

Going through a professional turmoil was so educational to say the least. Suddenly my eyes were open to a whole new world who wanted to see me fall. People around me who criticized, ridiculed and even taunted my efforts to get back up on my two feet. Suddenly God I saw the ugliest possible world where I was in a downward spiral.

I put my best foot forward and wait for you to take charge. I know that this setback as with every other setback in life is temporary. Nothing lasts forever be it good or bad.

Meanwhile allow me to separate friends from foes even if I stand alone at the end.

Help you…Should I?

 

Dear God

Sample this:

I landed in a professional soup. I need your help…

After all these years of ridicule and questioning my abilities, you asked for my help. The moment you said those words, my impulse was to just rush into my mother mode. I planned how I would go about it. What I needed to do, the words I needed to use. In my mind, I was already thinking of the steps to take… all in my head. Then suddenly my head echoed with your words ‘You will never be good enough like her. She is smarter than you, she thinks of me always. She is my well wisher unlike you. She does not have any hidden agenda like you. She never talks back to me unlike you. She never asks a million questions unlike you. She dresses well unlike you. She is hot unlike you. She is organized unlike you’

During the time when we were together, there was always…always someone who loved you better, who knew you better, who did things better and who understood you better. I was so inadequate, so unworthy of being your partner, so unworthy of publicly acknowledging this relationship. You were so ashamed of me.

…and yet you come running to me and seek my help. Why? What happened to the long line of betters? What happened to all those smart, beautiful, talented, educated and scheming women you knew? What happened to those brilliant people who could judge someone just blatantly and shamelessly without even getting to know her?  

Do you have any idea how much you hurt me with your words and conduct? Do you have any inkling of how much I cried due to your acrid remarks and blatant allegations? Do you have any iota of shame? I think not!

When a man loves a woman, he protects her from the world. Yet you left me to face the world all on my own. Whether it was those nights when I dropped you home late night and drove back to my humble abode. Whether it was all those dates (!) when you randomly cancelled after making me wait for hours altogether. Whether it was making fun of my new outfit or a little weight I put on… every time you made me feel less than better, you lost me a little. You never knew how you killed our relationship little by little.

Now when you seek my help and ask me to be the same old helpful foot mat, I accept all that you said then and say “Please seek someone better to do this for you”

Thank You….

Call it a woman….? Hell Yeah!!

 

Dear God

Sample this:

Sans makeup, layered clothes, no frills appearance and no tantrums.

Yes world, we exist. There are a lot of women in the world who you call unwomanly. Tough women who never cry, graceful who know how to handle rejection, powerful who are responsible about their power and responsible not only for themselves but for people around them.

It is an amazing fact check God. For centuries, women have been handling care giving, nurturing, nanny duties and also chef calls with special requests with ease and panache. Yet we have been called the weaker sex. There have been numerous jokes about women being the spenders in the family. Yet everyone just loves the gifts she gives. Make fun of her remembering dates and little details but you have been saved numerous times when she timely remembered birthdays and special occasions.

You hate how her shopping list is never complete yet you are amazed by the small subtle changes her showpieces and little nothings add to your home. You don’t like the array of products on her bathroom shelf yet are blessed to have a lavender oil bath or a foamy refreshing lime shampoo.

You ridicule how she pays attention to little details like averting eyes and nervous foot tapping. Yet you are happy to take advantage of her hunches. You call her the gossip queen yet when her assumptions are right you never give her credit. You call her narrow minded when she warns you about certain people. Yet when they make their move, your jaws drop at the accurate perception.

All the jokes about her tardiness can’t help you notice how she never leaves the gas stove on or a tap leaking whenever she leaves home.

You are irritated by how much she changes when she becomes a wife, mother, daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. Yet you miss out how easily she accommodates new relationships in her life.

You are angry at the fat, bad haired, ever busy specimen in your home yet you miss out how she runs around making your life easier.

Stop right now and be aware - the woman in your life is special. Just like very woman is.