Emotional Fool

Hi people

Scene 1: Yesterday morning persistent loud cries disturbed my morning reverie. A little pup was crying out loud for help. I, being an emotional fool rose up to my reputation...picked up the bike and went to check. I found a little pup stuck in a drain, injured and shivering with cold. I picked him up and carried it all the way home. Washed, cleaned and fed the pup and gave him a carton as a parting gift. When I left the pup, he was sound asleep in the carton happily. It felt great..When I came back to check on it, he lashed back at me.

Scene 2 : A stray dog was looking hungrily at the boiled eggs at a roadside stall. I stopped my car, bought some and fed it. The look it gave me made me resolve that I will always stop to help. Then it growled as it ate the last morsels. 

Scene 3 : A teenager who hurt himself was crying out loud for his mother. While he waited, I gave him some water to drink and waited with him. She came and I left him with her. Then I came to know the teenager was a drug addict and it was a self inflicted injury. 

I am an emotional fool. It took a while for me to realize this. The pattern of toxic relationships that I have had says so much about me. I have been ignoring this for way too long. I fall easily for a cry for help, a tear or just a sad face. Help is always extended, no matter what. I am the one who gives lifts to strangers, is generous with her time and money and falls in love so selflessly. I keep on forgetting myself. 

My birthday this year taught me so many things. I wanted to be with someone but I was alone. I could have been with some people had I not declined their invitation. I was waiting for something which never happened. It was a futile effort. The love I have in my heart is not only abandoned and doomed...but ignored and trashed. As the love of my life hurled insults at me, I shed silent tears like the helpless person I am. 

Why am I so helpless God? What makes me so? Why is it so important to put him on top priority? Why is it OK for him to say he wants to be with someone else and that I do not deserve his company?? On top of that, why was I so happy when he came back. He spoiled everything for me on my special day and then he was back as if all of that never happened. 

When I was a child, birthdays used to be a joyful affair. My Bua used to arrange everything for me. The cake, the dress, the party and that photograph. It is a beautiful coincidence that my brother shares my birthday. No, he is not my twin, a couple of years younger. When I lost her, I somehow lost everything. I am 34 now yet I become the same 5 years old on my birthday. I still expect someone...anyone to arrange the cards, the gifts, the party..and that photograph. One photograph where I stand side my side with my brother once again. 

The Undomestic Goddess : A Review

Hi readers

Having a voracious appetite to read teaches you many things. Escape was one of them when I picked up this book 'The Undomestic Godess by Sophie Kinsella.' This one is a wonderful case study for work life balance, work related stress and career crossroads.

The story line is basically this:

A high flying lawyer in London suddenly finds herself in a 50,000 pounds pickle when she thinks she messed up a client' s debt claim. This is the first mistake she made in years and she is so dazed by it that she boards a train and goes out of London where she lands a housekeeper's job by mistake. This is one mistake she hardly regrets. This is the story of two careers, two mistakes, two ways of life and two choices.

There is something very wrong about companies who don't allow you your personal space, me time, family time and expect you to take every situation as an emergency. How can you just live like that? Also one mistake and you lose years of work - great work that you did for them, How?

Shady top management with their own hidden agenda used her to manipulate the situation. On top of that, they made her believe it was her mistake. It made me wonder how many such people there are who would have been sacrificed like this - their hard work gone. Many times, they succeed. In this one they failed but mind you, this is just a story.

Then she lands up the housekeeper's job. For the first time in life, she knows what it is to have a life. She discovers the joys of leisure and free weekends. She unfolds the mystery of the world beyond the blackberry.

This book taught me an important lesson: Your job is important but not more than your life. You can do anything, be anything and go anywhere as long as you have faith in yourself. Also that at any point in your life, you can start all over again.

The Showdown

Dear God

One sleepless night...So much to think and reflect about. A journey of a thousand miles and I wonder how far I have come . God You know I have always been so grateful to you for everything. Even this humiliation I came across today. Why? I have often wondered why is it so difficult for me? It has always been so difficult. I marvel at my strength and a fresh surge of relief engulfs me. I ain't no quitter. 

Sometimes I feel I shouldn't have been like this. But then I wonder how would I feel if I let myself suffer in silence. Or give up on everything and just let myself go with the flow. At times I know you make me face the tides heads on. It's a good thing though.

But then sometimes, my heart just can not take the unfairness of it all. You know that I have always tried to do justice to whatever responsibilities You have entrusted me with. I have had a very blessed life, sheltered and privileged. Thank You

But now I am confused God. I don't know what the right path is...All I know is that I have but one life. If I cannot live it with dignity then maybe I should not exist at all.

The Chauvinist in You - Little things speak big

Dear Men male chauvinistic pigs

Lately I have experienced so much of this hatred directed towards feminism notions. I felt the need to take a stand and sorry, your efforts to scare me through trolling have failed miserably. So here I am to clear the cobwebs in your mind:

The word feminism instills hatred and fear in many. Also smirks, sideways glances and a lot of criticism. Not to mention the ages old notion that 'Ladki padh padh ke pagal ho gyi hai. kitabi duniya mein rehti hai. Sachhai se iska door door tak koi vasta nahin.' Well no, LOUD AND CLEAR NO!! My books and my deep and irreplaceable love for them does not facilitate illusions, it clears them.  For instance, this illusion of ‘A knight in shining armor who will come on a white horse and be my eternal bliss’. My experience in life taught me that to be happy I do not need a man by my side. I need to learn to love and accept myself the way I am and take charge of my mighty steed. And no, it does not mean the men in my life are useless. Fathers, brothers, boyfriends and lovers…they need not be the focal point of your life. You can be happy all by yourself too. Provided you stop letting them be the decision maker in your life. IT IS YOUR LIFE…TAKE CHARGE.

I tried the same when I purchased my dream car. As I told you all earlier, the agency in question distorted my name in so many ways. I am still having a hard time convincing them that I am the sole owner and decision maker regarding it. They feel the need to take approval from my father, my friends and any and every male figure they can find around me. On top of that, a random person whom I do not want to name has the audacity to ask me ‘Jitna tumhari salary nahin utna to is car ka kharcha hai. Kaise manage karti ho?’ My first instinct was to lunge on him with a war cry. Dare he call me by my first name! On top of that, questioning my earning! His blatant disregard led to me blurting out, “I earn enough to support myself and four more as well. Do not worry!!”  What is the problem with people these days? They constantly invade my privacy and most of the time end up stepping on boundaries and my nerves as well. It is high time the society learnt that it is equally rude to ask a woman her earnings or how she can afford something or how she makes ends meet!

Learn it the hard way then, Dear Men male chauvinistic pigs

Remembering happier times...Rakshabandhan

THE PAST:

Those were the days…Oh what days! Days before Rakshabandhan all the shops were decorated with so many types of Rakhis and we used to plan....Animations or musical, cards or bracelet, ornamental or the famous and highly coveted one with flowers or the really pricy gold and silver threads. Rakhis of all shapes and sizes hogged the market and made our choice harder every year. Back in those days, we not only had a long line of cousins from both sides but also the next day in school when year after year we used to look forward to meeting our Rakhi brothers. 

Those were the days when blissfully unaware of the existence of Valentine Days and Friendship Days of the world, we were lost in the emotion of brotherhood. Generation X was when mobile phones were few and far in between. Sweet old tring tring bore the responsibilities of communication and keeping in touch. Now when we have the world on our fingertips, our ears attuned to the ting of our notifications, the world has become a lonelier place. The rustle of papers and the swish of pens, the thrill of choosing the colors when we made those new year cards and the excitement of receiving letters… everything had a new charm.

THE PRESENT:

Ting, ting ting…as I checked a plethora of Rakshabandhan messages from random people, the few that mattered were few calls I received. My siblings were here, in spirit if not in person. Holding the flag for Generation X, we had touched our lives and heart. Made each other feel that 'No matter what, we are here for each other. Always have, always will. 

The unsuitable girl

THE PAST:

इश्क ने ग़ालिब निकम्मा कर दिया

वरना हम भी आदमी थे काम के

The holy grail of matrimony deceives me so far. Or maybe I am the one doing the deceiving. It is easy, they say. It is effortless, they tell me. The past does not matter, they insist. It will happen, they state. You will be comfortable, they promise. You will be taken care of, they try.

But to no avail. The sceptic in me has not given up so far. With my kind of experiences, I would not know how and to whom I will be able to say ‘Yes’. One thing is for sure, compelling hasn’t worked. Painting gory pictures of the future also did not work. In a fit of rage my close ones resorted to calling me names. That also didn’t earn anything but mockery from my side.

All attempts to parade me in front of prospects and vice versa have failed so far. What do you want? My insides churn at this thought.

The fact is I am too scared to put all my life in someone’s hands. Sharing is not a problem but when I see people giving up so much to keep it intact, I get scared. All the adversities and everyday troubles of married life scare me. Also the possibility of being deceived again haunts me. What will I do if I discover the stack of love letters in the attic or a plethora of messages hidden behind that password! Or maybe years of marriage and a couple of kids later, we may decide to part ways. How will I cope with that? Not having anything is so much better than having and losing. My heart tells me that. 

What do I want, really? ‘Acceptance’ the heart whispers. ‘You wish’ the brain scolds. It’s a ‘no’…end of story.

THE PRESENT:

दिल से तेरी निगाह जिगर तक उतर गई

दोनों को इक अदा में रजामंद कर गई

Saying yes was never a problem to me. I said yes to everything which came into my life. The problem is on the other side. The problem is with the people who were willing, in fact, more than willing to be with me only for the happy and fun part. They dread the part where I am so not at my best and completely avoid the one where they are told to make a decision. Keeping me hanging seems to be the way to be. If pestered much, this particular breed prefers to parade my past mistakes in front of me in an attempt to shut me up. It works! Really!

When I see it from their eyes, even I start feeling I do not deserve the happy ending I wish for. No Chance! What was your point again? Why do I allow people in my life when they are like this.Well I happen to like some human interaction. Also I have an inherent and incurable belief that not all people are bad. One of these days, I am bound to have my fairy tale ending.

All those who left me crave for the absolute commitment I had for them. They are amazed at the cold shoulder now. But calling me fleeting will not solve it. It was you, not me… remember! You were the one who chose to walk out so do not be offended if I shut the door to your face. I will not only shut it but lock it with a firm hand too.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

 Credits: All shayaris used in this article are couplets by Mirza Ghalib. 

Nothing’s gonna change my love for you

THE PAST:

One thing you can be sure of 

I'll never ask for more than your love

I have listened to this song like a hundred times and yet I want to keep on listening to it. What beautiful lines…so relevant. Now I know why you said songs take you to your past. A time when everything was fine, when you were so happy, so carefree, when you used to go out in the rain, got drenched, watched movies and came back. All that fun in your college days which you shared with me. You were really in a great mood that day….I was surprised when you started singing along with me…Old songs, new songs, across genres and generations…We are great together!! That is what I felt and that is what I feel even now. But now is not what it was then. I wistfully look back at our shared past and accept the isolation that has now become my sole companion. Sometimes I feel I was wrong in extending my love and faith to a thankless person like you. At others I feel the whole point of loving someone is to accept their flaws. Does that also mean to let them put you down? At other occasions I feel grateful to have shared my life with you. Wonderful times…did it really have to end so badly?  

THE PRESENT:

एक दिन आप यूँ, हमको मिल जायेंगे 

फूल ही फूल राहों में खिल जायेंगे 

मैंने सोचा न था 

Dear God

Love works in strange ways. There I was listening to someone vent it all out and yet in my heart I was so jealous. If you leave it, you miss it. If you have, you hate it. So what was better, God? People all around me are trying to convince me I am better off without him. Somehow seems like angoor khatte hain to me. However, in all this I am sure of one thing – I was right then and I am right now. Proud as hell, I changed my path and walk alone. I am happy at my uncomplicated existence. I am happy at my ability to face the world with a smile. I am happy at the faith with which I put myself out there again. So everything is not lost yet. I dream of love, I dream of eternal togetherness and I know some day, it will come true.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty.