Leap of faith

Dear God

मेरे जज़्बात का तू साज नहीं सुन सकता, क्यूँ मेरे प्यार की आवाज़ नहीं सुन सकता

बंद होठों से जो इक बात कही थी मैंने, तुझको अब तक मेरी उस बात का एहसास नहीं

Same mistake again! One slip of tongue and we are back on warpath. Worse still, he was here and refused to even let me know. You know what makes it unbearable? The other woman! One woman whose presence in his life haunts me, drives me mad, torments me to the point of delusion and violence. Why? You might ask.

Sixth sense…this damsel is never in distress God. She only pretends! I am afraid for him. Afraid for the faith he placed in her. Afraid of the rapport they share, afraid of the rumors about them. I am afraid of the fact that even marriage could not put a stop to her shenanigans. ‘Just Friends’ is a much abused word God. You bear witness to so many failed relationships where people refused to part ways. ‘Friends’ is the word which they use to disguise their horrid tales of disloyalty to their partners.

Kill me, God. I don’t want to bear witness to this. Else drive her away for good. Open his eyes and make him see the reality for once. I have never felt this antagonized to anyone. Why only her?

He is a better human being than most of the people, but he is still human. I want to believe the best of him. I believe him. But my past haunts me…

Yet here I am. I decided to take a leap of faith. I trust You God and I trust him. I believe You have my best interests at heart and one of these days, I will have the peace I miss right now. Amen.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The Lover’s Tiff

Dear God

Picture this:

Scene 1:

‘Your loved one is really angry with you for some reason. He hurls the choicest abuses at you. At first you try to reason out with him but to no avail. Lastly you just let him take it out and listen in silence as he rambles on. Next day, he says sorry and you move on.’

Scene 2:

‘You are really angry with him for some reason. As you ramble on; before you can control it, an abusive word just slips out of your mouth. There is silence at both ends of the line now. Then cut. Ring up again and you find out that you are blocked. You can’t reach out now. So you just wait. Wait for the anger to subside and wait for him to take you back.’

God, these two situations are never equal. How come he can get away with verbal even physical abuse and how come I feel guilty even at one abusive word? Let alone a sentence or allegation. Am I weak? Am I an emotional fool?

The worst part is when you try to bring up his behavior later, he will act innocent. Or worse, push the whole thing under the bed. Or he would act all defensive and say it was totally my fault. My fault? My only fault here is that I fell in love with a man weaker than myself. That’s right. You are weak because you can’t find the generosity to forgive even one fault.

This is not a ‘who is a better human being’ match though. I brought it up because I long for some stability in life. How can I feel safe when I know even one wrong foot can lead to total isolation. Love is all about the freedom to say anything and everything. Yet I have to choose my words carefully. Or pay the price of slips of tongue and meaningless words said in the heat of the moment. Point is; I can never relax.

So what should I do? Should I always be a happy person? Or always the bigger person no matter what? May be I should. But maybe you should too. Why do I constantly live in the fear that one wrong word and it will be as if we never existed. Why are you so sure that no matter where you go, you will find me waiting? I feel threatened and isolated. I miss you when we can’t talk. I pray for a more stable relationship or else the courage to stay away when you chose to part ways.

Nari Shakti...Homeward bound.

Thank You for the new addition in our family and strengthening Nari Shakti. Voila, it’s a girl!! She is my little niece; to be precise. Also thanks for the much awaited trip back home.

I held the little one in my arms and thought about how it changes everything. How can someone so little have this firm hold around your hands and heart? Suddenly I started rethinking my life goals and visualizing her in school uniforms, cute frocks, party wear and what not…all in fast forward.

Yet the harsh truth is I will not be a part of this. Separated by the miles between us, we are always going to see her growing in pictures. I miss her already.

Yet on this visit home, I saw the glimpse of recognition in her eyes. As she held my finger in her tiny little hands, the connection was unmistakable.

So there is hope.

Hope! What a wonderfully elusive word. I see the ‘When’ reflected so clearly in my folks’ eyes. ‘When or if you will have the same joy, the same sense of completion?’ they want to ask but they dare not. For like me, they are also afraid that the answer is a loud and clear no. No, I have no such hope of holding a piece of me in my arms anytime soon. This is the harsh truth and it kills me. But true it is…

I have been betrayed by fate so many times that this year I resolved to give up on love altogether. Not a bad place to be at all. Only thing I miss is being able to feel that bliss…maternal bliss. I would love to be a mother some day, God. How do I make this happen without giving up on my life and freedom?

God knows, Don’t You God?

No Place For A Woman

Dear God

Sample this:

Ladies log ko 8 baje ke baad ghar par hona chahiye.

Ladies ke baithne ka arrangement udhar hai madam, aap wahi chale jaiye.

Ladies ko thoda khana wana bhi banana hota hai na to lunch mein der karne se kaise chalega.

I am really offended at the way people treat the women at their workplaces. I hate it when women are forced to sit with other women irrespective of the fact that they wish to sit within their ranks. Maybe the lady in question does not want your care(!) and the attention drawn to her gender all the time. In many official gatherings, officers and women are addressed separately and it is really very irksome. The whole point of working is trying to make your own identity and people just spoil all your effort by treating you as so called ladies log. So much for gender sensitivity!

Let me address it once and for all then:

Let all the working women firmly resolve that:

1.      In official meetings and gatherings, no matter what people say we will always sit within our ranks and not in huddles as is frequently observed. We are not sheep to be herded in a corner.

2.      We will all take active participation in any function, visit, occasion and celebration and will refuse to just mark our attendance. We will find a place for ourselves and we will assert so loud enough for the world to hear.

3.      We will not be afraid to voice our opinions and take calculated risks and initiatives in our workplace. We will refuse to be treated like a trophy presence and ceremonial roles.

4.      Excluding exceptional circumstances, we will make arrangements for our own commute to office and point blank refuse lifts, pick-ups and drops from colleagues. It is about time, we refuse to be escorted by someone when we step out.

5.      We will have a cordial relationship with our subordinates but we will refuse to let them overstay their welcome and assert our say on all matters. It is important that they know their opinions and suggestions may or may not be accepted.

Let us all try and scratch the Ladies Tag.

PS: Not that we are not already doing that!

Why Me???

Dear God

There is a string of abuses in my inbox. I don’t know what to do with them. Love and respect have taken a backseat in my relationship God and this derogatory and abusive string is what I have left. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t seem to do anything right these days. All I wanted was a person who will love me and accept me as I am. Am I really this kind of person, God? What have I done to be subjected to this kind of torture? Retaliation…I thought so many things I could have done but so far nothing works.

I also thought long and hard about the kind of person I am. Broken, for sure! God, I started so right and I keep wondering where I went wrong along the way? Why did it have to go so horribly wrong? The most heartbreaking thing about this is; I expected it to be different. I don’t know why I expected love and understanding. I am the same person who was being mocked at for trying to secure marital bliss a couple of years back. How could I forget? I have only myself to blame for what happened to me. I was delusional. How could I forget people like me should not be looking for love! Love is for those who know how to cheat, how to manipulate and present their best side till the time they can secure the relationship. Transparency and honesty do take a backseat when it comes to making a choice.

I was right about your world all along. I just have to put theory into practice. When it comes to me, isolation is my best friend. I go out into the world wearing rose tinted glasses and come back to my world with a broken spirit. I hold my head high in front of strangers but it is my own people who bring me down. It is time I quit God, for good! YOU know that I tried.

A cry for help

Dear God

Thank YOU for helping me find love but no thanks!  He is better off without me.  It was so hard to date an intensively negative person like me.  So it’s about time he gave up on me with a little (may be a lot) help from my side.  Today when he finally broke free of my clutches, I am the one who is feeling free.  Having lived a loveless life for so long, I have finally lost my ability to retain and preserve love as I received it. I have been the worst that I could be lately. Crying my eyes out in the solitude of the night, putting up nasty pretenses in the day!! Why am I telling you all this now? I am wired that way. Someone has to accept me the way I am before I could be changed. Someone has to kiss the toad first in order to turn it into the princess. Someone has to see through all this arrogance and get through to me. I am so not well. Sadistic, may be. I have finally come to believe that no one will accept me. Not even if I put my best foot forward. And to tell You the truth, God… putting up pretenses is hard work.

I have to come to terms with it. Relationships are so not meant for people like me. I may have been a loving, caring person once. I ceased to be that long ago. This beauty turned into the beast a long time back. I have no way of reversing this now. However hard I try, there will always be bad days and worse. There will always be nights when he wonders what he saw in me. He hates me so much God. Now is a good time to leave him in peace. I won’t be missed I know.

I love him God, a lot.  Maybe that gave me the courage to give him up.  Or maybe in my mind I had already given up on me. No one could stand a person like me for as long as he did.  I marvel his courage and hate my audacity!

Good riddance.  He must me thinking na!  Thank You for giving me the courage to give up the most precious thing in my life.  I was not good for him.  I will never be good for anyone.  Someone as toxic as me should be quarantined not cherished.  So here I am God.  Alone once again, in my own private hell. 

For better or...

Dear God

Who said your world was fair? I have been in a professional soup lately; not for the first time though. As I skirt my way through dead-ends and roadblocks; what irks me most is not the hindrances coming my way, but the attitude I have encountered towards work and towards me.

It all started when I extended a small business opportunity to someone I know. We were great friends and thought we would extend our friendship to a mutually beneficial association. All I wished for is someone who will prioritize the company’s interest and for him I just wanted to generate an employment opportunity. Win-win for both…right? Not really!

A couple of months later, I am frustrated to say the least. This little stunt adversely affected our friendship; which seems distant and non-existent these days. Also the person in question lashed out at me on numerous occasions citing reasons such as the slow progress of his work.

Being a government company, bound by rules, regulations and protocols, I feel so helpless when I am questioned about the slow pace of work in our system. I have no qualms about the documentation though. We keep a thorough record of everything based on ‘Might be required.’

What hurt me most were the demands this transaction makes at my time and dignity. I was never the one to chase after things. I have always done my job and let people work at their own pace. Here, I have no choice. Plagued by numerous calls and queries, I check the progress of my case and give it a push from table to table. 

With his own non-cooperation movement in tow, my dear friend is ready to throw in the towel at the slightest hint of trouble. Trouble it is for us both. I was shocked to say the least when he said ‘I will drag you to the higher authorities.’ For what? I wanted to ask.

PS: Case solved but left a really bitter taste in my mouth.