Insane. Am I ….? – The story of a solo trip

Once upon a time in a small city:

‘So you are not coming home?

No, I am planning a solo trip.

WHAT!! WHY?WHEN? I am coming with you…

Please, I have to take this journey alone.

Why? There is absolutely no need and so on and so forth.

He was scared of the possibility and it was evident on his face. His little one, venturing out on her own to a place she has never been before at a time when someone somewhere was getting hitched. Here are her reasons:

1. She is not insane. She is a perfectly mature adult who has the right to go anytime anywhere as she desires. Being on her own only strengthens and empowers.

2. She does not want to listen to how it is not your fault. The fault was all his and he will repent. He will pay for his sins(!) and she will get much better than him. She strictly does not want you to reopen her wounds by saying this or cause any further damage by hurling abuses at her when all else fails.

3. She does not want to look at all the Mr. Eligibels’ profiles dangled in front of her like a bait. Not so soon after she is hurt and is licking her wounds. She is well aware of her biological clock and even then, does not want to be rushed into a decision. She can’t be cornered into making one. She will marry if and only if she finds someone of her choice. But the important thing here is not her finding someone, that someone has to find her.

4. She is in unbearable pain and she is almost doubled up with it. She does not want anyone to see her when she is at her weakest. These last few days of her dying relationship are only for her to bear. She wants to say goodbye in a special way, her way, her very own way. Plus she does not want anyone to have the opportunity to strike this iron while its hot.

5. Why the financial liability – for job security. For helping her carry on with her job She does not want to bother you with her problems. Trust her, this one is on her and if you don’t – not her problem!

6. She wants you to stop fussing over her. She is so far away from everyone right now. Hardly has the will to fight with you or anyone else for that matter. She is doing some things for herself. Neither her reasons, nor her decision is wrong. She is tired, tired, tired. Allow her this respite.

7. No, she is not insane. Not out of her mind… Someone who is planning her every move to the last T is never insane.

Allow her to go on this journey of self-discovery. She will come back when she is ready.

A lot of people may term this as selfish. But she is beyond care now. She knows what she is doing and she will do exactly that. She needs to heal so desperately. She has become a sinking ship which is mustering her last strength to take her ashore. She will emerge better and stronger soon…real soon.

PS: She did…

Conversation kills quicker…

Dear God

Sample this:

“Tumhare pas bahut sa free time hai but mere pas nahin. Tum bekar baithi ho isliye tumhe aise khyal aate hain. Tumhe cooking karni chahiye, bagbaani karni chahiye. Tumhe sunrise ke pahle uthna chahiye. Tumhe basketball (!) khelna chahiye…

Agar tumhe marna hi hai to mera kaam karwa ke tab is duniya se jaana”

The operative here is tumhe. You are the guilty party here for feeling what you feel. That too because you have a lot of time at hand. This one makes you feel even more worthless.

This world is full of hypocrites God. The people who ask you to spend all your money on them are the same who advise you to save some for the rainy day. Moreover, they will be the first to bail out on you in times of crisis. When you are willing to share your hard work and the fruits of your labour with them then they are your best friends. The moment you expect even a little help from them, be ready to receive lectures on self sufficiency and enjoying your own company.

“HELP ME” I can’t spell in any more words. The answer I got is silence and a phone which has been switched off now. He trusts time to do his job. When I ask him why; I am being branded as an attention seeker. It is so easy to attack someone’s self esteem when someone is feeling low. The worst thing about all this is, he accepts what random people say about me. Cunning, conceited, disloyal… the words are all wrong. They are so far removed from reality.

Being needy in a world which only caters to wants is dangerous God and expecting someone to be there for you is even more foolish. You know you have to face these demons alone. He is not afraid to lose you, no one actually is. He is ready to let you go for you have come to a point where he can’t take your melodrama (!). In this world where I am unable to even raise my voice, how do I expect to get a solution?

I don’t. I just have to find enough courage to go on and somehow move to a happy place where I feel light and free. So, help me God. I have to get out of this feeling, all on my own.

……..Silence kills

Dear God

The unbelievable news of actor Sushant Singh Rajput’s death hits us like a hurricane. How could he, why did he, lagta nahin tha ki aisa kar sakta hai and all such words just hung in the air. People find it hard to believe that he is gone. They send love, tributes and share stories of his vibrant and positive personality. All this when he is gone.

When a person steps out of their home, it is hard to see the suffering they have been through. People who spent the whole night crying are the ones who laugh the hardest. People going through difficult times are the ones who console lost souls and impart profound wisdom.

Thinking of all those who left untimely… Friends who could not cope with failure in exams or life I miss them all. Still remember the look in her eyes when I had asked “Is anything wrong? Please tell me if it is.” She chose to remain silent and next what came was the news of her untimely demise.

But can we say with surety that they have never tried to reach out for help? I think he would have made countless calls to people who would have picked up the phone and told him things ranging from “I am busy right now, call me back later?” with no follow up call.

“Its ok, happens to everyone once in a while” – generalizing someone’s feelings.

“You are overthinking everything” – By far the worst because it blames you for what you feel.

“Try to pursue hobbies or interests like reading, games, exercise etc. – Depression takes away all your energy and there is no enthusiasm left for anything. So, to actively pursue anything new and failing at it would end up making you feel worse.

At this point when you are depressed, all you want to do is lie low and do nothing. The body simply wants to shut down, mind is too tired to try. Maybe that is what happened.

A few months back when I was going through a difficult time, my sleepless nights included the thoughts of being one of them. Yet all thanks to You, I never contemplated giving up on life. Hopefully, I never will.

Let's break up....

Dear God

Sample this:

Jo ladki kisi ko apni gadi me bitha ke ghuma sakti hai uske charitr ka koi bharosa nahin. Jo kisi se der raat phone par baat kar sakti hai wo n jane kya kya karti hogi. Jis ladki ke ghar mein uska koi guardian maujud nahin uske yahan aane jane walon ki list yaqinan lambi hogi hi.

Suddenly giving lift to an elderly senior walking past is a grave mistake and a question mark on my character. Lost in a hoard of accusations being flung at me left, right and centre I am once again the centre of attraction of the gossip mongrels. This time it is giving lift… who knew one random act of kindness could be so perceived or offering a cup of tea could wreak such havoc. I have only myself to blame God. The mistake is all mine.

I loved too much, trusted blindly and had immense faith in the goodness of people. My heart is breaking God but I have braced myself for the worst. This time I am prepared to accept what follows even if it is seeing you with someone else. I know that I have ceased to be of use to you now and it is inevitable that you gravitate to someone who is.

God why did You do this to me? Why you gave me courage to face so much so gracefully? But out of all that has happened to me this is by far the worst. I have faced Your world heads on many times but this will be my last battle. I have no further courage to go on. I just want to quit now.

I promise You God I will stop believing in friendship, love, loyalty and all the fine feelings of the world. They are not meant for a person like me. My past experiences are always going to haunt and destroy my present. Why did You have to do this though? You knew his thinking and You knew mine. Yet You chose to bring us both together! Why?

The Glass Ceiling

Dear God

When will I be able to breath free? When will I get out of this fiasco? Is the society ever going to accept working women as thinking beings or they just want us to be overpaid secretaries? I talk too much God and I am not being heard. I am tired now. Every bone in my body aches with the effort. Why is it so hard to get accepted in Your society as a thinking intelligent being?

High ranking jobs, equal remuneration, similar seating positions but a huge difference in the way you are treated. It is hard to discuss plans, ideas, projects when all they do is patronize you! Yeah, no matter how high you go, there is always someone who will try to mansplain it to you. I know no matter how hard I work, no matter how late I go home, they will never see me as a serious working person.

Some of us are used to the treatment we get. Some of us just hand over our responsibilities to others and sign whatever is put in front of them. But someone like me has to question it. This is not what I am paid for. I know it is hard but not impossible. If I give up now and go with the flow, it will be easy but I would not be me.

I have been publicly ridiculed many times in my life. But no matter how many times it happens, I will make sure I emerge victorious. I know no one can see my vision now but slowly and surely, I will carve a place pf my own in Your big- big world. Help me earn my laurels God. Please.

God, please help me carve a place of my own, howsoever small…Please!

Self Love

Dear Readers

Taken from my freind Kausar's FB page, these immortal lines by Gabriel Gonsalves are an amazing life lesson. I was so moved by the sheer power of it:

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is AUTHENTICITY.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it RESPECT.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it MATURITY.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm.  Today I call it SELF-CONFIDENCE.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.  Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it SIMPLICITY.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself.  At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is LOVE OF ONESELF.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is MODESTY.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future.  Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it FULFILLMENT.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick.  But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection WISDOM OF THE HEART.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS LIFE!

Thank You God for sending me this sign to let me know : All is well! 

F*** Women Empowerment : On Women's Day

Dear God

There is so much hue and cry about women empowerment and feminism these days. With movies like Thappad  and Pati, patni aur woh running side by side, we women have a hard time understanding which way the society wants us to go. Just a slap is said in so many tones of disbelief. But life for a woman is a series of slaps.

The very first slap is some of us are denied the right to be born! The second when we are made to walk, talk and behave in a certain way. The society is so happy to raise non rational, robotically obedient, ignorant women. The moment we start taking decisions on our own or voicing opinions, we are considered dangerous and our wings are clipped.

So many weapons in the society’s armory!! From log kya kahenge  to aisi ladkiyon ke sath aisa hi hota hai… What I am telling you today is nothing new God. This is something I have encountered on a daily basis.

Last time we talked about the power (!) of assertiveness. Today I can tell you a tale of apathy. I lost a loved one recently and I still do not have the courage to put my pain in words. But my heart cries due to the blatant disregard shown to the departed soul. That and the way people took my absence as an opportunity to gossip about it. God please knock some sense into these people.

I met my immediate superior the other day and the first thing he says is Why I didn’t come to a certain party? Really Sir? Won’t you give me time to come to terms with my grief? Shame on the people who do not understand how difficult it is to come back to the workplace after such a terrible loss. So many days I hide my tears and put up a brave face. But others, I just feel like running away from all this.

I had no shame in refusing to be a part of the Women’s Day festivities. I have yet to find a reason to celebrate.  Women are still being raped, the glass ceiling is still there, I am still being judged terribly for my choice of attire and what not! Why should I celebrate, You tell me God?

I am going through a really rough patch in life. But with You by my side, I believe firmly I will be out of the dark soon. God please bestow me with enough courage to handle these challenges You have thrown my way. I hope to celebrate the Women’s Day one day….some day… But not yet.