Letter to Juliet Capulet*

 

Dear Juliet

As they say ‘Life goes on.’ When you were separated from your love Romeo through a cruel twist of fate, you chose to end your life and here I am! I chose life, Juliet. In your time, life was pretty simple for us their ladies. You fell in love, you got married and even if you did not you got married. As easy as that. We modern women have so much to think about and yet marriage matters. My love for him might not be as high and mighty as yours but love it is.

Love is when I try to build bridges between two universes which should have never co-existed in the first place. Love is when I am hoping against hope that with faith and time I can always correct wrongs. Love is when I welcome with open arms and let go as if it never existed. Love is when I get cheated and duped and yet have the courage to trust again, love again and get duped again. Love is when I pick up the pieces of my shattered life and learn to walk alone. Love is when I gather all the positivity of the world around me and walk with my head held high.

Love is when I sacrifice all the niceties of the world and chose the isolation. But modern love is never selfless.  It questions, it confronts, it ridicules and sometimes it walks away without turning back.

Juliet, my dear we walk away instead of pining in the dark. We withdraw our affections as soon as they are not returned. We see the love of our life choose someone else and join the celebration. We save our tears for later and show the world our dazzling smiles. Juliet not everyone is as lucky as you were. Love sometimes is not reciprocated, not returned. Love sometimes is disloyal Juliet.

Yet modern love takes pride in our bravery. Modern love sometimes makes you feel like Don Quixote charging at the windmills. Yet we fight this isolation, this abandonment. Juliet, you had allies and me…I am my only ally in this quest for love. The whole world asks me to be practical yet my heart holds on to the hope of being finally understood someday.

Why was life so simple in your time? You had one centre of your whole universe…. the love of your life. That too for the sake of simplicity was only one. There was no baggage from the past to wear you down. Your world revolved around just one…even mine does. But in ways unlike yours the centre of my universe keeps changing. Self-respect, independence, dreams, aspirations and ambitions suddenly replace the all-consuming passion of your life and times.

What went wrong Juliet in this quest of love…our quest of love. The dreams are still the same but they no longer need a prince charming on the white horse. Suddenly my heart wants to say ‘Look world! I can walk alone, exist alone and be alone without anyone by my side. Like all the girls out there, my heart yearns for love but with dignity. I wish you were here to tell me a way – one way where both these universes met. Where love and my dreams can peacefully co-exist. Will they? Only time will tell.

Love

Bhavana

*Note: This letter was inspired by the movie ‘Letters to Juliet’

The Braveheart

 

Dear God

As the world around me moves on, I look forward to……What? Calls, schedules, deadlines, events and files…all seem a far-fetched dream. As if it never happened. Yet my humble abode reminds me it is all true. In life we always assume things will always be as they are now, each day same as the other.

Yet I have adapted to this life so well. This free time on my hands helps me self-reflect, see new things, do what I always loved and be what I always wanted to be. I am fed up with putting up a brave front in life now. Sometimes I just want to pick up a baseball bat and smash everything in sight including some heads!

Khali dimag hai na…the devil wants a rent-free accommodation.

All these battles between the heart and the mind are an everyday thing now. Yet I put everything on the line and just watch. Speaking of bravery, as I tolerate the oven fresh accusations, my tears deceive me. For the first time in my life, I am devoid of all feelings. Something in me has just taken a sleeping pill. Devoid of all dread, I face everything head on. The abuse, the torcher, the accusations…everything…...head on.

How could he though? Why did he? What made him think the worst of me only because I chose to be some place I really wanted to be! How is life going to be without him? Challenging to say the least.

I could have lost him to fate God just like all the others. But seems like I lost him to his own misunderstandings. Why did it happen the way it did? Just one day when I was so excited to see something new. I saw that too…but at what cost?

Is it always going to be this way God? Will every happy moment in my life be crowded by uncertainty and gloom?  Sometimes I wonder why You did what You did? Why I can’t be as bad as others are? Why I can’t be as devious?

My questions have no answers God. All I know is I am ready to start afresh. I can build everything again rather than succumbing to their whims and fancies.

Fall from grace

Oh God, Dear God!!

I thought we had mutually decided to part ways or rather I put my foot down and decided to end this non-committal highly demanding one-sided relationship. Then why do I get reminded of the wrong kind of memories at the worst possible times. Now is the time to remember the bad, the worst and the ugly. Instead, I smile when I think of him. I dig out old photographs, check chats for sweet nothings and wish more than ever to hear his voice.

WTF!! What is wrong with me? Doing the right thing is so important but I didn’t know ye kiske liye right hai?  I am hurting him God and I am hurting myself too… Hurling abuses, avoiding calls and meetings is a futile exercise because my hearts longs for sharing everything with him. He still takes the cake when it comes to understanding what I am going through. Yet when he tries to reconnect, I can’t help but be so rude and upfront. It is as if my heart wants to confront him for every missed chance and every single flaw.

God, is this how U wanted my life to be? Loveless and alone…. I do feel a little lonely at times. But my best memories have always been from my solitary times. Solo trips were the best and I always aimed high when I was alone. Yet this emptiness in my heart where he used to be. God why do people come in someone’s life when they don’t intend to stay.

Fuck majburi and all!

Going through a professional turmoil was so educational to say the least. Suddenly my eyes were open to a whole new world who wanted to see me fall. People around me who criticized, ridiculed and even taunted my efforts to get back up on my two feet. Suddenly God I saw the ugliest possible world where I was in a downward spiral.

I put my best foot forward and wait for you to take charge. I know that this setback as with every other setback in life is temporary. Nothing lasts forever be it good or bad.

Meanwhile allow me to separate friends from foes even if I stand alone at the end.

Help you…Should I?

 

Dear God

Sample this:

I landed in a professional soup. I need your help…

After all these years of ridicule and questioning my abilities, you asked for my help. The moment you said those words, my impulse was to just rush into my mother mode. I planned how I would go about it. What I needed to do, the words I needed to use. In my mind, I was already thinking of the steps to take… all in my head. Then suddenly my head echoed with your words ‘You will never be good enough like her. She is smarter than you, she thinks of me always. She is my well wisher unlike you. She does not have any hidden agenda like you. She never talks back to me unlike you. She never asks a million questions unlike you. She dresses well unlike you. She is hot unlike you. She is organized unlike you’

During the time when we were together, there was always…always someone who loved you better, who knew you better, who did things better and who understood you better. I was so inadequate, so unworthy of being your partner, so unworthy of publicly acknowledging this relationship. You were so ashamed of me.

…and yet you come running to me and seek my help. Why? What happened to the long line of betters? What happened to all those smart, beautiful, talented, educated and scheming women you knew? What happened to those brilliant people who could judge someone just blatantly and shamelessly without even getting to know her?  

Do you have any idea how much you hurt me with your words and conduct? Do you have any inkling of how much I cried due to your acrid remarks and blatant allegations? Do you have any iota of shame? I think not!

When a man loves a woman, he protects her from the world. Yet you left me to face the world all on my own. Whether it was those nights when I dropped you home late night and drove back to my humble abode. Whether it was all those dates (!) when you randomly cancelled after making me wait for hours altogether. Whether it was making fun of my new outfit or a little weight I put on… every time you made me feel less than better, you lost me a little. You never knew how you killed our relationship little by little.

Now when you seek my help and ask me to be the same old helpful foot mat, I accept all that you said then and say “Please seek someone better to do this for you”

Thank You….

Call it a woman….? Hell Yeah!!

 

Dear God

Sample this:

Sans makeup, layered clothes, no frills appearance and no tantrums.

Yes world, we exist. There are a lot of women in the world who you call unwomanly. Tough women who never cry, graceful who know how to handle rejection, powerful who are responsible about their power and responsible not only for themselves but for people around them.

It is an amazing fact check God. For centuries, women have been handling care giving, nurturing, nanny duties and also chef calls with special requests with ease and panache. Yet we have been called the weaker sex. There have been numerous jokes about women being the spenders in the family. Yet everyone just loves the gifts she gives. Make fun of her remembering dates and little details but you have been saved numerous times when she timely remembered birthdays and special occasions.

You hate how her shopping list is never complete yet you are amazed by the small subtle changes her showpieces and little nothings add to your home. You don’t like the array of products on her bathroom shelf yet are blessed to have a lavender oil bath or a foamy refreshing lime shampoo.

You ridicule how she pays attention to little details like averting eyes and nervous foot tapping. Yet you are happy to take advantage of her hunches. You call her the gossip queen yet when her assumptions are right you never give her credit. You call her narrow minded when she warns you about certain people. Yet when they make their move, your jaws drop at the accurate perception.

All the jokes about her tardiness can’t help you notice how she never leaves the gas stove on or a tap leaking whenever she leaves home.

You are irritated by how much she changes when she becomes a wife, mother, daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. Yet you miss out how easily she accommodates new relationships in her life.

You are angry at the fat, bad haired, ever busy specimen in your home yet you miss out how she runs around making your life easier.

Stop right now and be aware - the woman in your life is special. Just like very woman is.

Go to Hell: A new year with a difference

 Dear God

Sample this:

I slammed the phone after hurling the choicest of insults and abuses on him and followed it up with the nastiest possible messages. Cut to facepalm infinite times.

It broke my heart to pieces when I did that God but have no choice as such. We are at a stage in life which will take us to our different paths which are highly unlikely to cross in future. He made his intentions clear when he said that we have no future together. It is only fitting that I let him go.

Yet when I say that, he bounces back with his unlimited questions, mundane queries and when all else fails abuses and curses. I don’t understand how someone who loves me wishes for the worst. I remember all the days when his accusations made me cry my eyes out and kept me awake for nights altogether. I remember all those times when the helplessness of not being able to control any situation used to frustrate me endlessly.

I remember God the desperation with which I tried to make him understand I loved him with all my heart and soul. I remember all the random accusations, the shared passwords, the loving gestures and the absolute integrity on my part.

What went wrong God when I gave it all I had? Which stone was left unturned? So many unanswered questions and all I have is silence…. No one will ever be able to touch my heart and move my soul the way he did. Something in me died when I used those awful words and I somehow don’t feel alive anymore.

But I know I have a long, very long life ahead. If this is what it takes to move ahead, why not? I have been through so much already. One more broken relationship is not going to hurt that much. Time heels everything and all… No God…Time never heels. It just numbs the pain. This pain resurfaces and catches you unaware when you least expect it. I owe all the happiness I felt to myself. I owe all my achievements to myself. I fail miserably God when I try to share with another human being. Maybe I should give it up altogether and just go where life takes me.

PS: I still love him God, heal him and help him.  

The Warrior Princess

 

Dear God

Sample this :

Hi! My name is Bhavana ‘Nothing seems to work anymore’ Sagar.

NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK seems to be my middle name these days God.

Thank You for a birthday surrounded by friends and family. Actually, just dad and a few children and an amazing evening with two of my besties. A welcome surprise which I arranged for myself as always. Work issues are yet to be resolved and so far, nothing seems to work. I am not so sure how to go about achieving what I want. This is an unexpected setback in my otherwise mundane life.

It is amazing how we go about life assuming everything will always be as it is now and Wham!! In my case double WHAM if you count whatever I have in the name of a relationship. Sometimes in life we have to pull the plug on something which is not working out anyhow.

The funny thing is when I do so someone is always there to re-block it and not let me escape. I have been through so many permutations combinations for a solution that I no longer know what I need to do anymore.

What the fuck do these people even want? What the heck do I need to do? Aside for post mortem of my situations and deep endless criticism of my ways (!) I have so far achieved nothing.

It is one of your Christmas miracles that I still have my sanity and my sense of humour intact. Otherwise, I would be one grumpy little bag of mean remarks. Thank You for that too. In the immortal words of Jahangir Khan from Dear Zindagi ‘Sirf difficult option option nhi hota hai. Kabhi kabhi easy option bhi option hota hai kyunki wo easy hai.’

Tell me one thing God… Why do I always land in soups no matter how far I take myself. No one has any idea of my journey yet everyone seems to know my destination.

Leaving it to You has so far never yielded any solutions God.

Please get me out of this soup that my life has become. I want a fresh start, a new beginning and just bid adieu to all this rotting hell.