In a man's world

Dear God

Gender discrimination is a slow poison and a silent killer too! These days when I am single-handedly conducting some programs and have been a part of so many new initiatives, the fingers which were raised in doubts about my ability now point towards my faults at the way I fulfill my official commitments. People who voiced their opinions about how I am just not good enough have now started saying I am ‘too good to be true.’ May be God!

I am enjoying this phase when I confront my fear of failures and try not to burden others with sharing my responsibilities. I am alone and I need no one to support my initiatives. Yes, this success is all mine and whatever small failures and setbacks I encounter are also mine.  

I have been accused of being a ‘one-person army’ quite a few times in the past too. I have tried to involve people but somehow failed to show that I truly need them to execute things. Actually, I don’t! My vision is clear and involving others simply dilutes it. I work best when I am all by myself. Now when once again my light has started shining bright, people blinded by my success have started  accusing me of being autocratic. 

When I take a look around myself, I find everyone is performing their own respective jobs without consulting anyone apart from the seniors. I do the same. People have started pointing out ‘Look there is a person doing full justice to the responsibilities given. Oh wait, she is a woman. Now how did this happen? Why doesn’t she ask someone for help? Why doesn’t she collapse from the workload? Why doesn’t she ever complaint about the number of hours she is putting in?

She won’t!

I tell you she is the toughest of the lot. So good luck to you guys for attempting to bring her down. It won’t work though. It was never meant to.

The only thing that worked towards my failure is my relationship. Rock and rolls all the way, it has now started on the decline phase. A phase where he hates my guts. When he insists on keeping it professional and distant. A phase where the light shines anew on all my vices. That is my only failure.

Even then I am the toughest nut to crack.

Rejected Piece

Dear God

I have no words to express what I am feeling today. I am dejected, forlorn and feeling kind of ‘not good enough’. ‘Not good enough’ is a phrase which keeps cropping up in my life time and again. Today this term was sprung upon me when we were discussing the possibilities of me being taken advantage of/ any possibility of men trying to make unwelcome advances. What he said should have come as a relief. But it came as a shocker instead. He said ‘There is hardly any possibility of you being treated that way. You just don’t look good enough.’

Not good enough – has been paying in my mind like a loop since that time. In this alarming time when women well into their 90s or children as young as 3 months are not being spared – he said these words to me. So now I can truly feel free. I can go out on the street in the middle of the night without any fear because in his opinion – I am not good enough. I can work late and I can leave the door of my home unlocked throughout the night. For no one would bother to touch me. I am just not good enough.

For some reason I am reminded of the leering gestures I have avoided throughout my life and all the advances I thwarted. Suddenly they seem like wishful thinking on my part. For in his opinion, I am just not good enough!

God!!

Now I feel the way victims of sexual assault must do. They must have thought “Who would believe my story?” Like who would believe that a person like me has been in a relationship? Or that a person like me could somehow secure a loving and caring partner for I am just ‘not good enough’. Is that why I have avoided meeting prospects for an arranged marriage? For I knew I am liable to get rejected on account of being ‘not good enough’?

I went on stage yesterday. In fact. I go up on stage very frequently. I love anchoring, hosting and public speaking. Should I just refrain from doing that now? For I am not a pretty face. I have a zit right in the middle of it. I have tanning, body hair and a repulsive figure. How dare I take centre stage? I am just not good enough!!

The world as I should not see it!

Dear God

जिंदगी मौत एक जैसी थी, लम्हा लम्हा मगर जिया हमने

अब जो करना है तुमको करना है, हमसे जो बन पड़ा किया हमने

Life is a series of missed chances, lost opportunities and broken, incomplete goodbyes. People always keep moving on in my life. What do I do, God? How do I bring myself out of this loop? Am I really not worthy of love? Tell me, God? When am I going to find peace in your world? Or do I have to leave it? There are a lot of questions and I can’t find any answers. Here I was looking forward to a reunion and that reunion has now become an illusion.

I miss him, God. I don’t know if I will ever see him again. Can you make it happen? Please! I have no words to express my feelings now. I just have none left. Except for this deafening roar of pain. The pain never leaves me. I am hurt God and I don’t know what to do.

My job was supposed to give me solace, identity and shelter. It did but it brought so many bad experiences with it too. I have mixed feelings about it now. On one hand I am a self-sufficient individual who has earned her own place in the world and carved out her own identity. But on the other, I am a restless soul.

Was this the sort of emptiness my parents talk about? It is not. I just don’t want any random person. My longing has a name. My dreams are focused on one person and they have a face. I am incomplete but only one person can fill that void. Otherwise no matter how many people come and go, I am all alone. God please!

There is no greater agony than loving someone who does not love you back equally. It hurts so much God and now I am tired. Every day I spend without him is killing me. But he remains aloof. Deep down, I know he is on the right path. For I am wrong for him. Born at the wrong time in the wrong place, how can I be right for someone?

I strive hard to make sense of my life. I don’t know when I will be able to. One tiny step at a time I take. God please help me out. Please. I need one, just one tiny relief. Wherever we are, wherever life takes us let us belong. Please God.

The dark knight rises* - Battling Depression.

तुम इतना जो मुस्कुरा रही हो, क्या ग़म है जिसको छुपा रही हो

बन जाएंगे जहर पीते पीते, ये अश्क जो पीती जा रही हो

Dear God 

Picture This:  

You are all by yourself and have turned in for the night. One chance remark from someone you love and you start crying inconsolably. Damn that raw nerve! The routine phone call home is already done. No more phone calls to look forward to. No one is supposed to check on you in the dead of the night. No one is possibly aware of what is going on. You cry your eyes out at what was said, how it was said, why me and so on… In short, total chaos.

When I step out of my home, sweet home no one knows what I am going through. No one knows this person with a constant smile on her face has literally cried her eyes out the night before. No one knows the person who maintains a calm demeanor in all kind of situations is so restless within. No one knows the struggle of getting out there in the world and battling it out. When all you want to do is throw in the towel and lie low.

Believe me, I would give an arm and a foot to just block it all out. But that is not how I was raised. That is not what I was taught to do. That is not what I choose to do. I chose this life; I chose my war and I chose my battles. Win or lose, all I can do right now is fight. With the last ounce of my strength no matter how hard it is!

I keep telling me to take one, just one step farther. I know that just like the happy times, this time will also not last, it will soon be overshadowed with love, achievements, fresh commitments, new assignments or maybe newfound courage. Courage brought me this far. It is just a few more steps out of this hellhole. I have been through worse and always managed to overcome it.

This too shall pass. To all the brave people out there, here. I hold my own hand and walk when there is no one to support me. Hold your own hand and walk. You will be out of the dark soon. Believe me, there is hope, there is always hope. Even if there is not one in sight yet. Also please don’t try to not cry. Just let it go. The worst thing you can do to yourself is forcing yourself to stay positive.

If you are sad, you do have a reason for being sad. There is no need to force yourself to be happy. Don’t invalidate your hurt, sadness, anger and loneliness. First just flush out all the sadness by doing whatever you can. Binge on your favorite dishes, cry, break things, shout, grieve, listen to the saddest possible songs and cry your eyes out. It is important to empty your heart of all the negativity before positive ones can seep in. Make place for it by drawing the sadness out. Don’t hold it in, please.

*The dark knight rises is a Batman Series Movie title.

Walk Alone IV

Dear God

जिंदगी मौत एक जैसी थी, लम्हा लम्हा मगर जिया हमने

अब जो करना है तुमको करना है, हमसे जो बन पड़ा किया हमने

Separations are difficult, to say the least. This transition is the most difficult one I have ever come across. God, I have travelled far and wide in search of love and I am yet to find it. I have a desire to meet you now, my Maker. But I know my time on your earth is not up yet. I have a really long life ahead of me. I have to go through the motions just like everyone else. God, I am not sure of the path from this moment onwards. I have complete faith in You and with that faith I will take one step at a time. What happened yesterday was unexpected but I know You may have a plan in place for me. I don’t know if my loveless life and overbearing personality was a part of Your plan all along. But I am sure of one thing now. No one knows me in and out. People have made some pretty wild guesses but no one comes close.

God, courage is all I pray for. Courage to accept the challenges You have thrown my way. Courage to be peaceful in times of this turmoil. Courage to face my life alone, unaccompanied. Now people have been jumping with the idea of marriage left, right and centre. You know I lost my faith in that institution a long time back. When I see marriages being fixed like business deals, I simply can’t believe the idea of soulmates being joined in an unbreakable bond. Breach of contract seems more important than breach of faith here. How can a bond so sweet be based on superficial things like money, gifts and background? Personality traits and story of life is still missing from the bio-data in marriages.

Everyone around me looks for a more profitable deal and I am one of the lost causes. Too enlightened, too outspoken, too independent and too overpowering. I promise to You I am not one to wallow in self-pity. Pity is one thing I do not seek. I will continue to be as merciless as possible with me. Trusting with abandon is one of my many vices.

Thank You for this opportunity to flex my strength. Love You God.

As your love remains unchanged

Dear God

Sample this:

You don’t deserve this position you are in. I wonder how you became an officer! You are here only because of reservation; you have no talent.’

Thank you for saving me from the car crash. Yet again my baby is suffering due to over-speeding, reckless morons who have literally no value of human life. It was a horrible experience to say the least. But thankfully by Your Grace I escaped unhurt. How I wish I was sheltered from my life the same way. Whatever happened I would be safe in my own little zone. But no such luck!

We are on speaking terms now. Huge relief! But the unfinished business lingers on. The blame has been placed once again on me. All set to make me feel like an awful person, he says and does things which make me feel unworthy of love. According to him I am an incompetent and lousy person. Or so he says. But somehow my heart refuses to believe his renditions of my incompetence. I see myself all day. Fighting his fights, running his errands, accommodating last moment changes. All this while doing full justice to a job of my own.

I so wish he was aware of the impact of his cutting remarks on me. Maybe he does and that is why he is all set to kill my self-respect. But my resilience refuses to back down. It is a losing battle though. Every single day my little inner voice tells me I did my best and every single day he rats out my shortcomings.

Do I lack conviction God? Do I really lack vision? Effort perhaps? Do I? DO I, GOD???

Every day I set out to seek these answers and every single day I fail to get them. I AM A FAILURE…keeps ringing in my mind. His tenderness took my breath away the other day. His cruelty pierces my heart now. Hard to keep up with the kind and extent of humiliation he subjects me to. Is it really my fault God? You tell me. Am I really the filth he calls me? I really hate the way he says ‘Sab tumhari tarah nahin hote.’

I feel abandoned just like in the past. But nothing new. I was always destined to be alone…I wonder why I even tried. Being the difficult person I am. What happens in my life doesn’t come as a surprise. Let Him go, God and give me the courage to move on. Please.

Solitary Confinement

Dear God

निकलना खुल्द से आदम का सुनते आए हैं लेकिन

बहुत बेआबरू होकर तेरे कूचे से हम निकले।

Sample this:

The sound of shattered glass filled the silent night and to my utter horror I saw the window glass of his car break into pieces. No one would believe that what happened was unintentional. I just threw something without caring for where it was landing. It unfortunately landed inside his car and I had to ask him to retrieve it. Needless to say; he was furious. He still is.

But you know what? He deserved it.

I don’t know if this is the last straw. I don’t know if we can overcome this ever. I don’t know if what I did was right or wrong. I don’t know if I we would ever be able to forgive each other. All I know is we have once again drifted apart.

Everything which happened last night is still afresh in my mind. The day was after all extraordinary! In a surprise move of solidarity, I decided to extend the olive branch to my archenemy. I just thought of the long and difficult time I had to spend alone and decided she need not do the same. All was well till the time I decided to honor her invitation and go to her home in the evening. Big mistake!!

I went in good faith and I have come back with a wound so deep, it will never heal. I will never forget the humiliation meted out to me and the way things turned out. I went to show some support and assure her that she is never alone in her struggles. But what I got in return is unexpected and unimaginable cruelty.

I would have silently endured the derogatory and humiliating treatment meted out to me. I would have walked out quietly and once again shed some silent tears in the privacy of my house. Instead I ended up confronting the person in question. My defiance had surfaced, I refused to be treated like this for no fault of mine.

For the first time in my life, I said a loud and clear “No” to something. I raised my voice and had talked back. I fought tooth and nail against the shabby treatment I was being subjected to. I was hurting like hell on the inside and then this happened. I know she enjoyed the show! 

PS: So much for friendship, eh. I was better off alone.