Fall from grace

Oh God, Dear God!!

I thought we had mutually decided to part ways or rather I put my foot down and decided to end this non-committal highly demanding one-sided relationship. Then why do I get reminded of the wrong kind of memories at the worst possible times. Now is the time to remember the bad, the worst and the ugly. Instead, I smile when I think of him. I dig out old photographs, check chats for sweet nothings and wish more than ever to hear his voice.

WTF!! What is wrong with me? Doing the right thing is so important but I didn’t know ye kiske liye right hai?  I am hurting him God and I am hurting myself too… Hurling abuses, avoiding calls and meetings is a futile exercise because my hearts longs for sharing everything with him. He still takes the cake when it comes to understanding what I am going through. Yet when he tries to reconnect, I can’t help but be so rude and upfront. It is as if my heart wants to confront him for every missed chance and every single flaw.

God, is this how U wanted my life to be? Loveless and alone…. I do feel a little lonely at times. But my best memories have always been from my solitary times. Solo trips were the best and I always aimed high when I was alone. Yet this emptiness in my heart where he used to be. God why do people come in someone’s life when they don’t intend to stay.

Fuck majburi and all!

Going through a professional turmoil was so educational to say the least. Suddenly my eyes were open to a whole new world who wanted to see me fall. People around me who criticized, ridiculed and even taunted my efforts to get back up on my two feet. Suddenly God I saw the ugliest possible world where I was in a downward spiral.

I put my best foot forward and wait for you to take charge. I know that this setback as with every other setback in life is temporary. Nothing lasts forever be it good or bad.

Meanwhile allow me to separate friends from foes even if I stand alone at the end.

Help you…Should I?

 

Dear God

Sample this:

I landed in a professional soup. I need your help…

After all these years of ridicule and questioning my abilities, you asked for my help. The moment you said those words, my impulse was to just rush into my mother mode. I planned how I would go about it. What I needed to do, the words I needed to use. In my mind, I was already thinking of the steps to take… all in my head. Then suddenly my head echoed with your words ‘You will never be good enough like her. She is smarter than you, she thinks of me always. She is my well wisher unlike you. She does not have any hidden agenda like you. She never talks back to me unlike you. She never asks a million questions unlike you. She dresses well unlike you. She is hot unlike you. She is organized unlike you’

During the time when we were together, there was always…always someone who loved you better, who knew you better, who did things better and who understood you better. I was so inadequate, so unworthy of being your partner, so unworthy of publicly acknowledging this relationship. You were so ashamed of me.

…and yet you come running to me and seek my help. Why? What happened to the long line of betters? What happened to all those smart, beautiful, talented, educated and scheming women you knew? What happened to those brilliant people who could judge someone just blatantly and shamelessly without even getting to know her?  

Do you have any idea how much you hurt me with your words and conduct? Do you have any inkling of how much I cried due to your acrid remarks and blatant allegations? Do you have any iota of shame? I think not!

When a man loves a woman, he protects her from the world. Yet you left me to face the world all on my own. Whether it was those nights when I dropped you home late night and drove back to my humble abode. Whether it was all those dates (!) when you randomly cancelled after making me wait for hours altogether. Whether it was making fun of my new outfit or a little weight I put on… every time you made me feel less than better, you lost me a little. You never knew how you killed our relationship little by little.

Now when you seek my help and ask me to be the same old helpful foot mat, I accept all that you said then and say “Please seek someone better to do this for you”

Thank You….

Call it a woman….? Hell Yeah!!

 

Dear God

Sample this:

Sans makeup, layered clothes, no frills appearance and no tantrums.

Yes world, we exist. There are a lot of women in the world who you call unwomanly. Tough women who never cry, graceful who know how to handle rejection, powerful who are responsible about their power and responsible not only for themselves but for people around them.

It is an amazing fact check God. For centuries, women have been handling care giving, nurturing, nanny duties and also chef calls with special requests with ease and panache. Yet we have been called the weaker sex. There have been numerous jokes about women being the spenders in the family. Yet everyone just loves the gifts she gives. Make fun of her remembering dates and little details but you have been saved numerous times when she timely remembered birthdays and special occasions.

You hate how her shopping list is never complete yet you are amazed by the small subtle changes her showpieces and little nothings add to your home. You don’t like the array of products on her bathroom shelf yet are blessed to have a lavender oil bath or a foamy refreshing lime shampoo.

You ridicule how she pays attention to little details like averting eyes and nervous foot tapping. Yet you are happy to take advantage of her hunches. You call her the gossip queen yet when her assumptions are right you never give her credit. You call her narrow minded when she warns you about certain people. Yet when they make their move, your jaws drop at the accurate perception.

All the jokes about her tardiness can’t help you notice how she never leaves the gas stove on or a tap leaking whenever she leaves home.

You are irritated by how much she changes when she becomes a wife, mother, daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. Yet you miss out how easily she accommodates new relationships in her life.

You are angry at the fat, bad haired, ever busy specimen in your home yet you miss out how she runs around making your life easier.

Stop right now and be aware - the woman in your life is special. Just like very woman is.

Go to Hell: A new year with a difference

 Dear God

Sample this:

I slammed the phone after hurling the choicest of insults and abuses on him and followed it up with the nastiest possible messages. Cut to facepalm infinite times.

It broke my heart to pieces when I did that God but have no choice as such. We are at a stage in life which will take us to our different paths which are highly unlikely to cross in future. He made his intentions clear when he said that we have no future together. It is only fitting that I let him go.

Yet when I say that, he bounces back with his unlimited questions, mundane queries and when all else fails abuses and curses. I don’t understand how someone who loves me wishes for the worst. I remember all the days when his accusations made me cry my eyes out and kept me awake for nights altogether. I remember all those times when the helplessness of not being able to control any situation used to frustrate me endlessly.

I remember God the desperation with which I tried to make him understand I loved him with all my heart and soul. I remember all the random accusations, the shared passwords, the loving gestures and the absolute integrity on my part.

What went wrong God when I gave it all I had? Which stone was left unturned? So many unanswered questions and all I have is silence…. No one will ever be able to touch my heart and move my soul the way he did. Something in me died when I used those awful words and I somehow don’t feel alive anymore.

But I know I have a long, very long life ahead. If this is what it takes to move ahead, why not? I have been through so much already. One more broken relationship is not going to hurt that much. Time heels everything and all… No God…Time never heels. It just numbs the pain. This pain resurfaces and catches you unaware when you least expect it. I owe all the happiness I felt to myself. I owe all my achievements to myself. I fail miserably God when I try to share with another human being. Maybe I should give it up altogether and just go where life takes me.

PS: I still love him God, heal him and help him.  

The Warrior Princess

 

Dear God

Sample this :

Hi! My name is Bhavana ‘Nothing seems to work anymore’ Sagar.

NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK seems to be my middle name these days God.

Thank You for a birthday surrounded by friends and family. Actually, just dad and a few children and an amazing evening with two of my besties. A welcome surprise which I arranged for myself as always. Work issues are yet to be resolved and so far, nothing seems to work. I am not so sure how to go about achieving what I want. This is an unexpected setback in my otherwise mundane life.

It is amazing how we go about life assuming everything will always be as it is now and Wham!! In my case double WHAM if you count whatever I have in the name of a relationship. Sometimes in life we have to pull the plug on something which is not working out anyhow.

The funny thing is when I do so someone is always there to re-block it and not let me escape. I have been through so many permutations combinations for a solution that I no longer know what I need to do anymore.

What the fuck do these people even want? What the heck do I need to do? Aside for post mortem of my situations and deep endless criticism of my ways (!) I have so far achieved nothing.

It is one of your Christmas miracles that I still have my sanity and my sense of humour intact. Otherwise, I would be one grumpy little bag of mean remarks. Thank You for that too. In the immortal words of Jahangir Khan from Dear Zindagi ‘Sirf difficult option option nhi hota hai. Kabhi kabhi easy option bhi option hota hai kyunki wo easy hai.’

Tell me one thing God… Why do I always land in soups no matter how far I take myself. No one has any idea of my journey yet everyone seems to know my destination.

Leaving it to You has so far never yielded any solutions God.

Please get me out of this soup that my life has become. I want a fresh start, a new beginning and just bid adieu to all this rotting hell.  

Homecoming of the outlaws: Rewind, repeat and recharge

Dear God

Life has taken a 360 degree turn these days. I have gotten a golden chance to go back home for extended periods of time, reconnect to old friends, spend time with my sweet little niece and once again a chance to look forward to new avenues ahead.

Thank You!! Thank You for the chance to recharge my life again with people who used to be a part of my life in yesteryears. These are people I have known since more than a decade now. Amazing how life came full circle. During the years that went by, we all have loved and lost. Some of us got lucky and I got to meet the new addition to our family.

Then of course, the subtle hints at my loveless life and people trying to Ahem…. get in. It is amazing how my friends believe the grandeur of my life is a façade. Nah…it isn’t. I am single, not ready to mingle. Is it like that hard to believe that a person can live, breathe, exist and be happy on their own?

And that proverbial gory pictures of the future… Abe Ja!

If that was true then there would be no vriddhashrams in the world and no one would be dumping old members of their families left, right and centre. Having a family of your own does not guarantee you will have someone to care for you in your old age. There is always this possibility of getting neglected, trashed, robbed of your life savings by emotional blackmail and so much more.

My being single is completely unplanned and unintentional. But somehow my heart and mind refuse to believe the criteria of evaluation while deciding a life partner. Height, weight, caste, creed, religion, job… What about being considerate, passionate, caring? Not to forget the series of ‘What Ifs’ that starts looming large whenever I think about the possibility.

Thank You for my peaceful existence. Love You God and look forward to my birthday this month. For the first time in my life, I actually don’t care who plans what for me. I would be happy sharing a coffee and some cake with I, me, myself this year if need be. Aisa hone wala nahin hai waise…

Corporate Blues: Bhut beaabroo hokar…

Dear God

Sample this:

I came from a really long break home and was greeted with a relieving order which was shoddy to say the least. ‘We are not giving you a farewell you see. I don’t think this is a happy occasion.’ Sheepishly, not meeting my eyes my immediate boss said. Ha to maine bhi bol diya ‘Mai farewell tabhi lungi jab mai akhri baar company chhodungi.’ It is not about the farewell you see. The establishment here lost me a long time back when they failed to value a flexible, dead honest, intelligent worker. Still I look at my circumstances and cannot accept the fact that I am being relocated multiple times. I refuse to accept this blatant disregard to my security and well-being, God.

There is a lot of hue and cry about my obstinacy in the company. I say, Hell Ya!! I am obstinate but for all the right reasons. All I need is immaculately followed procedures and transparent practices. When you are swimming against the tide, the tide is not your biggest enemy. Your true enemies are the onlookers on the shore shouting on the top of their voices ‘Tumse na ho payega’

Hum kehte hain kaise nahin hoga! FUCK YOU…I want to shout back.

God, only You know my journey so far. My life has never been a bed of roses but this custom-made bed of worries, misunderstandings, ridicule, false allegations etc is going to give me sleepless nights for ages to come.

So what now? Should I as they say ‘soldier on’ and foray on the path of isolation or should I just jam my leg in the door on the way out and say ‘I ain’t moving.’ As of now my family and friends are perplexed at this new development. I can read this in their eyes ‘Why always you?’ Why always me?

You tell me why because You made me the way I am. This obstinate, straight forward, stubborn yet honest daughter of Yours now places everything in front of You for showing me the correct path to take. Guide me with Your light God for suddenly it is so dark now.

And as far as the farewell is concerned “ACKKKKK THOOOOOOOO” There! It is now taken care of.