Walk Alone : You're not welcome

 Dear God 

Sample this: 

You wait for your family who are living apart from each other in different cities for pursuing their careers to come home. Its been months discussing, planning, organizing and then when you have tried to plan your own schedule they so conveniently say: 

Oh please don't plan on so and so dates, we have already made plans with someone. 

Oh so now I need to check your schedule before coming to my home sweet home for your desperate face saving exercise. Why don't you tell that to your children who welcome me with open arms, arrange calls to check up on me and are constantly trying to keep in touch. Not to mention the way they command me sweetly  to come visit them. The eagerness they show to meet me sounds missing in you. I am a middle child and throughout my life I have struggled to show or justify my worth. Years of being in the background, sorting my own responsibilities, indulging theirs where ever possible. As it is we hardly can talk or connect due to our busy, extremely busy schedules.  

I remember my elder sibling told me once never lend money, it ruins relationships. She should have completed the sentence with never ask for the money you lend someone. Just keep sacrificing your own needs for their indulgence. 

The need for rest takes a backseat when I visit. The visits are so hectic, filled with so much noise and activity that it exhausts me instead of relaxing. 

Then too, I get shouted at for not doing everything correctly. Earlier it used to be slaps and kicks to my face and body. That thankfully is no longer in the picture. 

Now it is just sarcastic and judgemental remarks about my face, body and life choices. The people I once shared a house with no longer know what I eat, what I like, what are my interests and hobbies or anything for that matter. 

Walk Alone : The provider

 

Dear God

The flood of words that’s hitting me is insane. There are so many experiences which are calling out to me right now. Years and years of it, all the times I refused my own needs in favour of someone else’s. All those years I struggled with anxiety at the thought of doing something for me and not care about anything else. All the things in my wish list which I saved for one day, someday. All the trips I took and later felt guilty for spending my own money. All my attempts to choose myself first, put my needs ahead of everything else and the giant failure it became.

Let me start from the beginning. I was not a very demanding kid. I had little care in the world and less desire for material possessions. I was born and brought up with so much care. The restrictions I despised then, I adore so much now. Early exposure to the outside world and its lure can ruin you for sure. As a kid, I had my siblings as playmates, my home sweet home with trees, birds and the sweet smell of mud in the courtyard. Time passed, the courtyard was replaced by sets of rooms, floors were added but our quite little lifestyle remained the same.

I had a little allowance back in those days. As soon as I got it, I spent it all. The sparkly stickers, the churan ki golis, chat fulki so much to do.

I remember opting out of buying a two-wheeler for college. I remember going to bookshops or book fairs and somehow convincing myself to buy one or two. I remember moving out of my paternal home and the struggle to secure that one job. The sleepless nights I spent worrying about my future and the education loan Papa had taken.

Then came a golden period in my life with this wonderful opportunity I got. Being a public sector executive is rewarding in so many ways and one of them is money. That is when shit hit the roof.

Friends, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends suddenly wanted to know how I was, what I was up-to, what did do. I was made into this humble little being who hardly shows off her privileged life and shares what she has. It starts small with sharing a toffee with someone and grows into the habit of feeling guilty for doing well in life while others struggle (!). Yeah right…. They struggle because they maintain a lifestyle well beyond their reach. Earning a six-figure salary is pointless when 5 of them go in your credit card bill. I started fumbling with debt early on in my life.

I remember papa making fun of my resolve to pay off my education loan someday with these words, “Beta jab tak tum ko dhang ki maukri milegi tab tak wo loan ka ata pata nhi rahega.” Forget Jab tak, I was scared shitless agar mili hi nahi to!!

God you were kind with me and I got it. Immediately after that, I took over that loan and paid whatever portion of it was left. Then I made a huge mistake. I succumbed to the temptation of an easy loan offer. I needed the money but maybe not such a huge amount. I just reacted to a ridicule made by someone significant in my life. Tumhari koi value nahi hai.  Turns out my signature on the dotted line was worth 10 Lakh rupees. I revamped the house, bought new furniture and then I decided to buy a car.

Just like that, more than 50 percent of my income was gone into that dreaded word EMI. It became an albatross around my neck. For those of you who say, you could have invested the money, bought property, land etc etc, I was a novice back then when it comes to managing money. I was not this wrinkly old wise person I am right now. Then came the very sane and sweet advice Savings kiya karo.  Savings…. For what? This advice comes from people who constantly borrow money from me. If you are so big on that, how come you don’t have a fat little nest egg of your own.

The existing savings patterns are preparing us for the future but do nothing for the immediate needs. PPF, Stocks and dividends, income you earn from the interest on an FD with the original amount locked up, precious metals or gold. None of them is an alternative for cold hard cash in your account. None of them can be redeemed easily without any time lapse. They are futuristic.

Having said that, savings are great. But 10 % of your money should always be ready cash. Imagine you rush to the hospital for an emergency; they will not accept the FD Certificate. They need cash. Buy something and you pay with your credit card; there are hidden costs involved. If you can pay within the payment timelines, pay it now in cash, in full with no future liabilities.

I am a provider. Time and again I was expected to help with their financial commitments. Today I asked that favour back and the answer was no. The sense of urgency they show when they ask for money is missing when I ask it back. They take in bulk and give it back in pieces. It’s like they ask you to bake a giant cake for them and give it back to you one tiny piece at a time. Sometimes finish it all and never offer you even a tasting.

I am tired of baking the cakes, handing them out and waiting for them to let me have a piece. When they bake, they bake behind closed doors.

I am frustrated. If not for this huge financial commitment which is not even mine, I would have not worried for the EMIs. When I bought my car, it was me who arranged the down payment, it was me who paid up the EMIs, it was me who paid the penalty for unpaid or delayed ones. While others got it as a gift. I toiled for years to own my car and here they were having a brand new one with zero liabilities and instant ownership.

And now when I am securing my first property, it is again me who is paying the down payment, scheduling and paying off instalments, adjusting my budget to accommodate and planning for future pay offs. I know when it will be registered, it will be me who does the puja. It will be my journey. While someone just might stumble upon a really really expensive gift, a flat maybe. Once again, not the burden part, only the privilege.

At times, I think when I give my folks money, I should not worry about why they are asking for it or what they will do with it. After all I am only returning what I borrowed. But then I see my hard-earned money being given as handouts to a habitual drunkard. My inner child screams for them to spend it on their own needs or wants, but they end up giving it away with a free hand.

I am the one they come to for every little thing, yet when it comes to the privileges I have none. I shoulder huge responsibilities which are not my own. They borrow money from me and when I ask it back, they term it as “Help”! Really? They commit a timeline when they ask for money yet they need multiple reminders to return it even after a significant time passes. Sometimes not return at all.

Family, friends, relatives all are the same. Alike in their spending patterns, identical in holding that becharepan ka façade when they want something from me. Then becoming absent from my life when I ask it back. Becoming oblivious to the fact that I need it to manage my life. Yes, my life is mine first. I reclaim my privilege of enjoying the fruits of my hard-earned labour with the same absent minded approach to their EMIs, their liabilities and their wants.

 

 

 

 

 

Dada Kothay?

 

Dear God

Sample this:

Your truly aka I commissioned a new ac in my home sweet home and some technicians visited to install it in your home. I tied up my sweet little pooches briefly but as soon as the person entered the room he says.

 “ Dada Kothay?”. In Bengali it translated to where is big brother? He basically means where is the man of the house… like it’s totally his business. Then he completely ignores you asking him to leave the old ac alone and goes on to inspects it at length. In spite of repeatedly telling him, you just want the new ac installed instead of this thorough inspection of the old one.

Then when he goes to install the outdoor unit, he asks aapka outdoor unit stand par tha ya aise hi hai. You checked beforehand and told him it was mounted on a stand. But aise kaise aapki baat maan lega wo?  After all what does a woman know about these technical things… He personally checks it and lets you know Madam naya stand lagega. By virtue of experience and simple physics you know outdoor stands are generic in nature and there is no need for a new one. But he shows this blatant disregard to you and your suggestions and lets you know finally  Kisi tarah purane me hi adjust kar diya hai!  Yeah genius I told you that three times in a row already.

Downstairs your protective pooch does not like being tied and is barking insistently at the strange men present in his home. Irritated, the technician says, Madam isko dusre kamre me band kar dijiye n!! Moorakh aadmi!  You don’t get to barge into his house and say lock up your kids. I ended up untying my pooches and kept them in the room under my watch. They both instantly calmed down as they can now see what is happening and have taken their stance around your side.

Side note: Dogs bark at strangers especially if they are inside your home. Tying them just worsens the situation. Let them inspect the people in question from a distance and keep them close. They will calm down and under no circumstances you let unknown people approach your pooches.

Now he went on explaining to you at length what the previous mechanic has done wrong with the installation and how he is correcting his faults so you have a functional working efficient air conditioner. Once again, his genius mind trips on the fact that you are supervising their work and giving them inputs like purana plug khol kar laga dijiye.  Abe, I went to your shop yesterday unaccompanied, didn’t call anyone to come with me. Made the payment through my own account and specifically told you to have it installed. Men are simply oblivious to the fact that women can handle their finances alone and without any help whatsoever. It’s like they crave for a man jiske kandhe se latak ke hum demurely kah sakein Aye G safed wala ac le lete hain, wo apne room ke pardon se match karta hai.  Questions about specifications, voltage requirements, inverter friendly or not from a woman are either met with selective listening or them simply saying hum kah rahe hain n ye wala accha hai aap le lijiye.  Reminds me of the time when I purchased a washing machine and selected the colour maroon. He sent me a brown one instead and said, “Kya fark padta hai madamji aapko kapde hi to dhone hain.” I fu** paid for the maroon one, why can’t I have that? Why send the wrong one and then mansplain what I was going to do with the appliance in question. Such are men for you. They refuse to acknowledge women moving about in the society, paying for things they need or want and taking their own informed decisions.

Finally, he starts asking “Who lives here?”  with a curt “I do”.

“Family” They stay in my hometown. “

“Why?  Yaha kyu nahi rahte?”

I almost said “Bhai wo hum n thode se serial killer nikal aaye hain aur unke fridge me n ek mundi kaat le rakh di thi. To wo log thoda darte hai. Aur haan wo mundi aapke pyare dada ki thi han? Par aap mat darna aapki khali ungli kaat ke rakhenge sovenieur ke liye. “

I told them parents stay there because that’s my hometown.

Now he can’t curb his curiosity and asks “Job kaun karta hai?”  Again, my mouth almost blabbers “Har koi jo apne paison par palna chahta hai.”

 Quietely and patiently I say, “Hum karte hain.”

 Next came this gem, “Oh to dada ki jagah mili hogi n?”

(Refers to the practice of giving compensatory employment to dependant family members after demise of the person employed.)

At this point my patience was running thin but being the educator that I am I explain, “Nahi bhai jaise exam dete hain n interview hota hai selection waise wali job hai.”

 Then he finally asks what he wanted to all along, “Husband  kaha rahte hain aapke aur kya karte hain.”

I am exhausted by now and without further ado I tell him, “Bhaiya I am unmarried, this is my house, my job is earned on own merit not granted as compensation and I am the Dada in this house.”

Then comes this gem, His face visibly falls he sighs and says, “Itti badhiya job hai aapki to setlle bhi ho jati. Akele kyu Rahna.“

I resist the urge to say,” Bhaiya humko n poore ghar me har kamre me har furniture par fail kar sone ki aadat hai to aur kisi ke liye jagah Nahin hai.”

Then I told him, “Old ac repair karwana hai. Drawing room me set karenge.”  

Can any of you guess his response? He says,”Uski kya zarurat hai aapko to isi ek kamre me rehna hai.”

What in the name of God is this!!!!!!

 Let me tell you why I just could not confront him. They were three men all working in the room. I was right next to the door huddled with my pooches within shouting or running distance with a knife close within reach in case of an emergency. All I wanted was a working air conditioner. Small talk was another thing but the way he was shocked at me minding my own business in my own home was alarming to say the least. There are times when people have just openly expressed shock, disdain even grief at my personal choices. This one took the cake when he was replacing the curtains he had removed while working.

He said, “Ab aapne single hi Rahna hai to kar hi dete hain. Akhir kaun Karega ye sab kaam.”

Bhaiya ye baat hai to zara pankhe bhi saaf kar do aur kone wale attic se jaale bhi nikaal dena accha!

Lastly when I paid him and he was finally out of my house, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

PS: He ended up texting me on whatsapp later. I blocked him.

Mismatched : The isolation no one talks about

Mismatched: The isolation no one talks about

Dear God 

Sample this: 

You have friends with matching interests and you exchange notes from time to time on the books you have collected and read. Even going as far as collecting the same ones together and planning to read and discuss them sometime. The sometime which almost never comes. 

You are at a place in life when you decide you will diversify your savings profile, invest in some real estate and share market. You invest some money and watch it rise and fall daily. You long to discuss the stocks with someone or maybe discuss which is better as a real estate choice. But your friends are at different places in life and you just are not at the same page. You do it all by yourself. 

You have made some pretty great connections but they live in different far-off cities and it is simply not possible to go to their place or invite them to yours. The best option is to meet them one at a time but coming together as a group seems a far-fetched dream. You hope and dream but, in your heart, you know they simply can't. You stick to video calls, phone calls and Instagram stories to stay connected. You pour your heart out but secretly long for lazy coffee dates with them in cozy restraunts or long all-nighters with each reading your favourite book side by side. 

 You stay alone because of your career needs and they, they stay with their parents or marital homes. Their days, their routines, their needs and concerns are all really different from you. You deeply care for each other; in your heart you know you are so different in your circumstances. You can share your concerns with each other, even understand them. Yet you are never on the same page.

This sense of security seems a farce, an anomaly. What kind of emotional security is it when you know your friend needs to get the hell out yet you watch her cooped up in a six by six 2-bedroom flat in desperate need of fresh air and some peace.

You have a thriving career and so have they. Yet your nature of work is so different that they can only listen to your rants but can’t connect or relate.

The beautiful thing about long distance friends is they are closer to you than those around you. Yet sometimes you wish they lived not so far. When you share this to them, they call you. Sometimes you can go but sometimes you wish you open your door one day and they just barge in. Yet the planning and the execution is left to you.

As an independent woman, it is really hard to trust someone with the planning and control of the circumstances. But that’s a discussion for another day. Today we talk about the same world we live in yet we live lives that are poles apart.

We talk about your emotions laid bare for all to see yet you have to take them through day by day, word by word. I started writing because I wanted someone to find this and share the isolation. Yet now writing this seems like I am shrieking on a mountain top and my screams are landing in empty valleys.

We are alone in this world stuck within out tiny worlds which sadly are poles apart and may never intersect.

We feel empowered with the freedom yet tied down by the circumstances. We feel productive with our plans yet have no one to share the accolades with. Sometimes in life, when you were on the stage, you wish to climb down the stairs and be able to hug your near and dear ones who have watched you perform. The applauses are there but the hands are not theirs and it hurts in ways I cannot comprehend. How much can I tell them, how much can I share? How much of my world can they see through my eyes? We are together in spirit yet mismatched in life and why?

 

Corporate Blues: Creating a safe workspace

 Dear God

With all these admirable measures taken about Gender Sensitivity, Inclusiveness  and Prevention of Sexual Harassment of women at their workplace, things are looking up for sure. Now the womenfolk can balance work and home in a more effective manner and stay safe. But what about their emotional safety? What about decision making power, what about valuing her opinion? What about accepting that she can manage her assignments effectively and independently. Why is it difficult for a skilled and accomplished women to showcase her efforts? Why are people simply undermining her efforts, negating her contributions, and overriding her judgement with some of their own? Why in an office meeting, a woman if present is constantly organizing snacks, ordering lunch, asking for preferences when the men around her are engaged in spirited discussions about the topic. Why is her every move under a scanner all the time.

 

Why is she supposed to arrange the aesthetics around her workplace… like its not enough that she must keep her home spick and span, she must come to the workplace and get it sorted to look like some elite class country club…. When office maintenance is going on, her room is deliberately left out Despite repeated reminders. Why there are no adequate washrooms for her? Why she must run home every time she needs to pee?

 

Why is someone’s jealousy and insecurity obstructing her path in so many ways? Why is she feeling that she is constantly not being heard? Why is she being labelled difficult if she refuses to behave like your secretary …. Why is it that when she is asked to send an email, she sits on her desk and does it. Why is it that when you are asked to send one, you call the staff and dictate? Why is it that you expect her to take the dictation? Why is all the drafting been done by her and you are just showcasing everything as if it was your own work? Why is the door of the higher authority locked for her and you can simply walk in? Why is it that you enter a shouting match with your boss and can walk out without a scar while she must soften her refusal and lay it down gently. Then too she is having a hard time convincing the boss.

 

Why is it that you have mismanaged your assignments since quite some time now and all that ruin is evident in the shoddy situation at the office. Yet you are the sataya hua person. When she misses a deadline, she is immediately labelled incompetent and careless. Why is it that you spread all kind of rumours about her and people believe you. Yet when she voices the facts, no one is listening.

 

We have come far in terms of including women in the workplace but the truth is that we have simply given her a place to work. But the security and nurturing for her to thrive is still missing. Sometimes she has great potential but she is labelled as some arrogant bitch. She might be the sweetest of souls but people must know her at a personal level to believe that.

 

She must constantly be on her guard, looking over her shoulders for your next move. While you every time stoop to new levels of all kinds of low (the latest being trying to intimidate her by calling her at odd hours in your corner office). Yes, I know, you have not made the move yet… but you are just testing the water. If I do not object to your hand on my shoulders right now, the next thing I know your hands will slide down…

I cannot wait for you to do that; this is my place of work not a brothel. I will stay safe and I will keep those around me safe from you. If you cannot handle someone more skilled than you, thats your problem not mine. Now when you see me, I will look into your eyes and openly call out your false claims of me being exceptionally arrogant with you. Hang on mister!

 

PS: It takes more than threats and subtle digs at my conduct to break my confidence… try harder!!

 

Corporate Blues: Isolated

 Dear God 

Sample this:

You are in a team meeting planning an event and suddenly the Team lead randomly says: 

You must keep your ego aside and work on this like a team...understood (All the while looking at you) and Bam! (Your Name) loud and clear for the whole room to hear. 

You wish to just dive deep into a hole and never emerge. Thoroughly embarrassed by this random comment by your superior in front of your colleagues, peers and juniors..that too by someone who has known you long enough to understand you are a helluva team player. This is someone who has assessed your abilities and given you top ratings. Someone who has appreciated your skills and complemented your efforts. 

Instead of motivating you for the humongous task ahead you have now been labeled as a problem child! A weak link in the chain and now you are left with two options…

A.Become a pushover and let them walk no…no…stomp all over you.

Or 

B.Respond aggressively and hog all the credit….

Being the drama queen that I am, I chose the third…walk away.

Opportunities can come and go but your self respect remains. One of us has to put a stop to this random hurtful behaviour which they labeled as discipline. It's not discipline to shame your subordinates for being vocal about how you or anyone else for that matter treats them.

One of us has to be the flag bearer of appropriate behaviour in official settings. However stressed you are, it's not ok to shout at us…

No matter what you have heard about us, it's not ok to state your judgemental opinions in official settings. 

And no matter how close you think you are…. it's not ok to rebuke an adult like a child!!

There is a time and place for everything and this…Sir! Was certainly not the place…

Patronising women in official settings makes it difficult for us to be authoritative. As it is, women are labeled as too bossy or too soft or too uptight or too ... .something or the other. We don't need this too!!!

I know people who have trivialised this shoddy show and said you are making a mountain out of a molehill. However, it was my molehill in the first place. I knew what to make of it!

Let others be ok with people walking all over them and killing their spirit. I am not and

 I will never be….

Walk Alone : When you moved on

 Dear Mate 

Last month was filled with so much elation but apprehension on your part. You moved back to a place where you started your journey. A place where you and I became we …. Now I don't know for sure if there is an us anymore. The shock here is I have never known. Seven years of my hopes, love, prayers and dreams and there was never a guarantee that this whatever we have will bloom into something permanent or wither away with time. It has done neither.... 

There were times when I strongly felt there was no presence but a mere shadow of a relationship in my life. Yet sometimes the shadow became a shade in the times of chaos and uncertainty. There were times when I thought everything about us was worthless and the very next moment you were right next to me proving that we had something special. At times I have become hopeless regarding our future and thought seriously of moving on in my life… whatever that means. But one thing is for sure, I am not some jogan in your prem who wants to spend her life in the solitude with only your memory as a companion. I am someone who values her independence and knows the peace that comes with my solitude. Why would someone like me dive deep into a family life without the certainty that the person next to me is worthy of sharing my life?

My family has been a source of joy for me lately with the latest edition of nephew and nieces. The little ones’ pitter patter all over my life and their chirpy voices make my heart warm with love and tenderness. Yet I have not forgotten the past where I had been ridiculed, misunderstood, mocked upon and even frowned at. All that can so easily recur in my life if and when I choose the wrong kind of family.

I choose? I have already chosen a life where I myself value and love myself to distraction. I need no other person(s) to tell me of my worth.  You can take it as arrogance, I call it an informed choice. Be rest assured love, you never were and never will be my reason for not moving on in traditional ways. The fifteen days of pomp and show, chaos afterwards. No thanks!!

With my three fur babies (one of them a virtual adoption), loving and caring Bhagwaan, beta and bahu in whom I found soul sisters and my 32 children (and counting) I will soldier on in my life. Always with a smile and the surety that I have been well loved and deeply cared for. I will thrive in the knowledge that I made a difference in my life and theirs. That we have and we will always be walking alone…. Yet together.

 

 

The Subtle Art of Gifting

 Hi Readers 

Sorry for the long pause. Sometimes in life, you can't manage all the things all the while. So you take a breather or a series of breathers in my case and are back with a bang. Life is blessed these days. I have come back to my work like I had never been away and I am happy to report that the work environment now has shown considerable improvement. On the personal front, I forage into the world of literature and am now trying to be a.... ahem ahem published author soon. 

Sample this:

You have some close friends and one of them is having their birthday soon. Now all of your friends come to you and ask “What shall I give!” You are the designated genius of the group so you think hard, explore and give them a few options. That’s when the trouble starts looming. I might be making a mountain out of a molehill yet it bothers me. Not the effort, not the going through the motions of making the booking/purchasing/ planning etc. but the fact that you are supposed to deal with this from end to end.

Lately I have been crazily and hungrily searching for extraordinary gifting ideas. Boy! This market has undergone a radical change. You name it, you have it! 

Well, then came the sly little snake of trouble. My near and dear ones rely heavily on me to find gifts for their birthdays, their special ones' birthdays, and other special occasions. To make matters worse, my own birthday as well. To those who say, 'It’s the thought that counts!' It does but when it comes to what kind of gift was chosen for you or the value of it. 

Once you have taken a few suggestions from your close ones or me for that matter, rest of it should be your own show, I think. The main thrill of gifting is finding something a person wants, not what a person needs. Needs are basic, wants exciting!  

And with so many hints scattered around... my near ones just lean on me to find the perfect gift for.... dhan tanana Me!! Yeah you heard that right. It is my birthday next month and I am supposed to find the perfect gifts for myself... It’s stressing me out. Everyone will once again go through the motions of “Kya chahiye aapko”? Actually a little attention to details from your end would be nice. What makes it worse is “Kuchch pasand aaye to bata dena!”

This half-hearted ‘Buy something for yourself, I will pay’ just does not compare with the thrill of the surprise of finding something waiting for you... something which you neither anticipated nor were looking forward to. Something that just resonated with the receiver! Gone are the days when you had to turn the markets upside down to find something, then pack and send it off. Nowadays mostly ‘a few clicks on the system or your phone’ is all it takes.

A few minutes of your time and the person concerned would be showered with the love you gave them. I have come to a point in my life where moneywise I am comfortable. Although I now never let my guard down and have a kitty maintained for emergencies….Still I enjoy my earnings in a way which was missing earlier. My book collection has grown exponentially and I have collected many beautiful things like handmade diaries in my home.

Even then, if you take the effort of sparing a few minutes for me and find something, it will make me far happier than asking you to get me something of my choice. There are ways of knowing what a person would like or love by simply observing them a little closely. Please do observe and gift them the smile that comes when they find something waiting for them, unexpectedly and surprisingly.

Ciao! 

Unlady-like

Dear God

Picture this:

I was going to park my vehicle and suddenly someone tries to direct you about the ‘how to’ of manoeuvering your vehicle. Or you are in a crowded street and someone narrowly misses your vehicle all the while glaring at you. Now we have two options if it’s a guy he will step down from the vehicle and start a dhishum dhishum right there on the street, a lady will glare at you with daggers in her eyes and move on. Then comes the unladylike yours truly, who will roll down their window; give the person in question some unsavoury words and then move ahead.

God, for women like me you have made certain rules and those rules are meant to be broken. I must haggle with street vendors, deal with repair walas and get my car to the auto centre all on my own.

I handle my finances whichever way I can and regularly dodge financial advices or lucrative schemes. I get a lot of advise regarding how I should or should not do certain things certain way and turn a deaf ear to all. I am constantly being frowned upon by the way I sit, talk, look or behave. I know people want to peak into my private life, but I firmly keep the blinds shut.

And then I get judged!

I am someone who does not know how to depend on someone anymore. I run my household and run it any which way I can. There are days when I don’t feel like getting vegies from the market and rely on maggie for days on end. And there are weeks of healthy eating spree. There are times when I wish I could have someone to plan my trips, pack my bags and take me to the station… and then there are bouts of adulting when I manage all like a pro.

There are times when I feel there should be someone to open the door when I reach home and then sometimes I enjoy the solitude. There are times when I get unwanted attention for simply being there which makes me uncomfortable and then there are times when I enjoy the limelight for the right reasons.

Living alone has its own perks and pains. I welcome both!

Then there are times when I look back on how far I have come and the things I accomplished. I have a little thing about missing the conventional way of life. Yet I feel complete in my own wake.

Then when people call me Not ladki jaisi ladki  I hold my head high, look them in the eye and say:

Right, I’m a tad bit un-lady like and I love myself for that.  

Walk Alone VII

Dear God

One call, one decision, one trip and then this silence from his end. Experience of a lifetime but apprehensions regarding the future. The year started on a very disturbing note when he called and I once again launched a tirade about how we cannot be together anymore. It’s actually exhausting to stay away, then come close and then again having to move away from him. Retreating with my love, care, concern and my ardent desire of being with him.

Of all the people that you could have given me, how come I have this stubborn bu**head? God my stories have never had happy endings and yet I continued believing them. What do I do? How do I contemplate the end? How to cope with always feeling the end is near and yet getting closer than ever before?

O God!!! Sometimes I feel a clean cut would be so much better and I would finally heal. Sometimes I think it is not my fault and I deserve to live whichever way I want. Sometimes my mind revolts at the shear unfairness of it all. Sometimes I doubt if at all he had love in his heart!

Sometimes my heart formulates elaborate schemes to win his love and other times it drowns itself in the depths of depression.

One thing is sure though and always will be. MY life has no place for a half-life and neither for a socially questionable relationship. Whoever has me has to hold my hands and walk besides me publicly.

It took me all I had to take this trip on my own. I almost jumped down from the train or retreated from the airport/ took the return flight to rush back home… And yet here I was.

I got a lot of flake for giving priority to myself instead of being home for some family emergency. But in my defence that the emergency did not happen unless and until I had already booked everything. Moreover, it was dealt already when I planned this.

Meeting Anku was one of the landmarks in my life and the most wonderful way to start my year!

Looking forward to something more soon…

PS: Its hard to think of oneself, loving myself is an uphill task but I am doing well

Calm down…. Or not!!

 

Dear God

Sample this:

Mujhe samajhne wali ladki Upar wala de dega

Tum meri life se nikal gayi ho yay u kaho nikal diya hai tumhe

Tum hi gale padi thi

Tum us layak hi nahin ki koi tumse shadi kar le

Mere gale mat pado

Jara bhi sharm bachi ho tumhare andar to baat mat karna ab mujhse

Last night was difficult to say the least. Once again, he hurled these insults my way and I chose to maintain my distance from him as I had very wisely done last week after that huge fight.  What was that fight about? He was here and refused to meet me and then proceeded to not answer my calls for hours on end. Then when I called out for his attitude I was on the receiving end of

‘Agar tumhe lagta hai main tumhe torture karta hoon to main tumhe free kar raha

And after the stoic silence for a whole week

Main next month marriage karne ja raha

And all this yesterday night because I lost my cool at him. Why do I claim to love this man if I hurl the choicest insults his way? Is he that bad? Or I am the bitch here? Well God!!

Just like he claims I am unlovable I claim that he keeps hiding his life from me like he has something to hide always. Many nights his phone is engaged quite late in the night and he has no explanation other than network. For weekends he constantly goes AWOL and gives vague responses if I try to meet up or plan something. And the future… He knows we have no future yet refuses to let me foray on a path of my own. His words say ‘You move on’ Yet when I try, he goes to the extent of reprimanding me for choosing to have dinner with friends. Before him, I had no friends… Now I have some but they are all far….

I have always had a minimal social life but with him also its difficult to make plans. He chooses to keep his life in such wraps. He takes and post mortems my phone time and again. Yet he never gave him his to even click a picture… He is positively jumping if and when I have his cellphone in my hands even for a brief period of time. He claims he is not using social media yet shares stories from FB, Insta or twitter with heavily edited screenshots.

There were days when I trusted what he said. Yet I found him lying to me at the drop of a hat. I saw him rather caught him red handed in places he had no business being… With a woman I deeply loath to this day. He talks to women late at night and claims to be a universal problem solver. Yet somehow each of these women seem to fall in love with him and be crazy for him and chase him consistently. He has promised to maintain his distance many times in life yet he has been the one to initiate contact sometimes on the pretext of some professional reason, help or just plain old well wisher’s welfare check for me.

He says I am going to my hometown and asks me to take him to the airport. Yet catches a flight to someplace else. When the guilt is too much he confesses but does not want to be confronted. Openly claims to be my fiancée to all the people he meets in my circle – professional and personal both. Yet in his circles no one knows me. BTW we move in the same circles so from my end they know he is my fiancée and from his end they know he is single and looking for a homemaker wife… Pretty messed up, na?

He claims he wants me to move on and be happy in my life yet ends up at my weekend getaway to take me back home. He starts missing me as long as I am not there and yet claiming he never wants to connect with me again. If I take his word and start looking for a life partner, I will have to subject myself to an endless torture of ‘Comeback please’ or ‘Be happy always’. He is not one to give up his playthings easily. Even if I am married, he will want to keep in touch (!) and be the so-called agony aunt in my life. Seeing him makes me want to just hide myself in his embrace and forget everything. It has been my safe space for so long. I am willing to sacrifice our love for his commitment to his family values. Yet he wants me to give up mine and choose a life detrimental to my reputation and my mental peace.

All I asked for is a graceful goodbye and all I get is the choicest insults. The worst thing in all this is ‘He asked me to wait for him for all these years and now he is asking me to give up…. Now?? After all those wasted years of my youth and prime.’ He ridicules me for my looks and age when half the creases come from the sleepless nights he gifted me. The other half on his ridicules on my knowledge, looks, efforts for dressing up and self-improvement projects and the fact that nothing seems to work when it comes to him.

The fact that when I try to give up on him, he holds my hands tight and makes me come back. Yet when I ease into the comfort of being with him, he outright declares that I was alone and all this love and togetherness was just in my head. All he was doing was being a friend (!). His friendship makes me question what I know about friendship so far.

He invalidates my feelings, overlooks my efforts and yet when I want to gracefully ease out from his life he will be all

You have done a lot for me. I will never forget you.

My better judgement screams at me to walk away from this hell. Eventually he is going to say ‘No one asked you to stay’ Yet I wait for him to move on in his life. Sometimes I want to take some strong steps to throw him out of my life and keep him there. Yet when I remember he has been betrayed before like that, my heart goes out to him. I wanted to be a comfort in his life yet he claims I am a thorn!

Am I that bad, God? Am I actually unlovable? Do I not deserve what I asked for? Once again, I ask all these questions and they remain unanswered… as they have been from years and years of my life. Even if I believe the best of me, I am having a really hard time believing something best for me will eventually happen.

And then when someone asks me to calm down…… the turmoil within soars higher and screams ‘Hell No!!’

Moving in circles

 

Dear God

Sample this:

‘Congratulations on your court marriage!’

Groggy with sleep, I gently shifted Winky* and picked up the phone under the pillow to find this shocking piece of gossip. First things first: I am not married. Second this is the same person who yesterday promised to stay out of touch and maintain distance. Breakups are hard on people and no one else knows this more than me. I got to know firsthand how much I wanted to stay in touch with people I left behind or vice versa. But my mind and heart longed for a more wholesome and equal relationship.

If the person in question cannot give me that, there is no reason why I should continue this relationship. Now he may question my ability to thrive alone or reserve his apprehensions of a girl single in the city. But that would be MY PROBLEM. 

I have every right to give time to myself and think of a world where I am someone’s choice not an option. Its been years of wait with no fruitful result in sight. He just barges in and out of my life as he pleases. The thing is that now when I try to close the doors from inside he wants the master key.

He has somehow forgotten that my life is not a train for him where he can reserve a coup for life. Any relationship has to have two sides otherwise what is the point?

One day he promises me that he will drift apart gracefully because I deserve the right to move on. The other he tries to convey cryptic messages through sending and deleting or drunk dialing! If I let him back in my life now, it will be the same endless wait, the same busy weekends and the same coaxing and cajoling and brow beating for something as simple as sharing a cup of coffee in the evening.

I had been maintaining my distance and giving him space even though I missed him like hell. But this! This accusatory tone, this blaming me for having moved on, this gossipy piece … I don’t miss. Whatever happened to graceful goodbyes God?

It is super hard for me to find someone in this world of yours and I just want to give up. I am better off alone than be with someone who makes it so hard to be with him. I need not punish myself for falling in love with someone who does not know what love is… His warped ideas, his distance, his crass attitude and his constant blaming my attitude for all our problems is now getting on my nerves. I need some semblance of peace in my life God.

But when I try that he comes back with his promises and I fall prey to his charms once again. He makes me second guess every single bad thought I have had, his lack of commitment and our uncertain future. Many times, he said it out loud that we have no future. Yet he does not let go of me in the present. I need to spend some time alone before I can heal and maybe…. just maybe give a chance to someone. Yet I can’t promise that I will move on for good. Deep inside he knows if he calls I'll come back like a lovesick puppy. Why God? You gave me no sense of self-preservation when it comes to this person. I know this circle will sickeningly continue for You only know how many more years to come…

*Winky is my pet dog

 

The lessons of life (My take on the Physicswallah incident)

 

Dear Mate

The recent incident of a teacher hurling abuses at a student and threatening her of physical violence for showing some ahem purple love is doing the rounds these days. So is the half-hearted, not so well-meant apology he attempted. Now to those who are saying BTS is way above these petty attacks and ARMYs should just full on ignore this, the homophobic comments he passed at BTS are not the problem here.

The much bigger problem is the threats he tries to pass off as a mere scolding… Now a scolding would be along the lines of:

Do this and I will throw you out of the class or something like that which is perfectly acceptable since you are supposedly a teacher(!).

But we were shocked to hear words like:

Quote:

If you weren’t a girl, I would’ve grabbed your collar and slapped you. Your cheeks would’ve been swollen so much that you wouldn’t be able to say ‘BTS’…I would’ve punched you so hard your nose would start bleeding.

The video is so problematic that anyone with a sane mind would be uncomfortable and alarmed at the mental state of this person.

It just gives a message that it is wrong to have a successful, positive role model in your life if they do not conform to the society norms about masculinity. Moreover, it emphasizes that anything significant can only be achieved by doggedly pursuing academics and ignoring all other active interests in your life.

It is the same as classifying students who are passionate about their studies as nerds.

Speaking about the apology…,

It basically went like

I am stressed

Engaged all day in teaching and when I am not teaching I am making PPTs

Could not see the doubts other students were posting in the comment threads.

But my parents and wife pointed out that I was wrong.

Ok so you did not arrive on this conclusion on your own. You are saying sorry only because your family members think you are wrong. That too only after the incident went viral and even the Korean media took cognizance.

Some major a** saving there.

As a teacher, your job does not end at teaching the subjects. You are equally responsible for teaching the children the importance of having a well-balanced life. It is never wrong to have and discuss active interests. I leave you with the question:

If it was a couple of students discussing yesterday’s cricket match or world cup football for that matter, would your reaction be the same?

I don't think so!

Walk Alone VI

Dear God

What goes wrong every time I try to find love? I am not unlovable God, I have people in my life who are always there for me and who lift my spirits when I feel low. People who cherish and admire my strength and look forward to my advice all the time. People I wish I can be a good example to. I am a good person and You have time and again given me chances to prove that all through my life. Yet when it comes to lifelong commitment, I have no end in sight anytime soon, why?

At this point in my life, I have given up looking for love or companionship on the outside. Yet my life is graced with people who love and respect me unconditionally. Inside I still long for the special one and I know it is not going to happen.

So slowly I pick up the pieces every time and just try to move on with my life.

Yet it is never easy. The closures have so many lose ends and there are words which I still need to say or hear. Sometimes, actually all the times there are some things which are left midway and the ties are never cut completely.

Then they try to come back to the comforting cocoon that I am and I can no longer have them. For when I wanted to curl up into a ball in my life, I only had my fur babies for comfort. Its been ages since I slept in a house bustling with people.

People come and go in my home and it is a blessing that they do. For I love me time and the quietness it brings. Yet sometimes I long to share my life and day with someone…

Sometimes it feels like a mistake that I never actively tried the conventional matchmaking for getting me a companion. Yet whenever I think of carrying the chai ki tray and answering questions like ‘Khana bana leti ho?’ my mind just revolts.

Not to mention I am so scared of a person/family who will use me and my resources without due regard to my wishes for a true companion. The worst would be a long-distance relationship at this point of time.

I don’t want to be the man in the relationship and I want to be taken care of. Despite being strong I wish someone would treat me with gentleness and care. I would love that!! Yet whenever someone is in my life, they end up being pampered. While I be the provider and protector for them…

Now, I refuse to be that and so I deliberately choose this isolation and finally bid adieu to the hope of finding love. Let love find me if it is destined to be.

A Jumbled mind

 

Dear God

Am I bipolar? Manic depressive or eternal optimist? Someone to idolize or someone who has lots to improve? Someone sweet and gentle in her ways or a maniac? Someone who always looks at the bright side of things or someone whose glass is always on the empty side?

Here is a look into my troubled mind and the havoc it has been since yesterday:

Am I losing my mind sometimes I feel I am this positive happy person with a great self-image and then I wear myself out with self-deprecation. Struggling with both kind soothing words I say to myself and the filthiest possible insults I hurl I don’t know what I should think of me anymore!

Sometimes feel like manic depressive other times shining beacon of light

Sometimes shaking with rage other times calm in the face of all adversity

Is it just me or everyone feels like this once or many times in life

Who is the real me?

The obsessive maniacally suspicious girlfriend or the caring charming girl you guys look up to!

What triggers that and what motivates this... How do I get out of this rut and feel better?

How do I show you my best face when I am broken from inside and tough to stay whole outside?

With everything falling apart cant place finger on what’s wrong

Sometimes all wrong it seems sometimes everything seems right

Becoming a slave to my jumbled emotions; creating masterpieces of my misery

Confused as hell with no way out in sight

I fight everyday with all my might

Feeling this urgent need to save myself yet feel like the savior

Sometimes feel the world will keel if I so desire…

At times feeling helpless to change my own fate

At other times feeling like the masters of the universe.

I am a person of many faults and sins yet feel flawlessly innocent at times.

All this conflict behind closed doors, in public always smiling.

No one has any idea of the sleepless nights when I meet them like sunshine…

Am I happy and pretending sad or is it the other way round? Is my smile fake or my tears are shallow, no way to know? Am I really being unfair to someone and quick to judge? Or there is merit in my fears?

Am I intensely negative as people claim or I am all sunshine and daisies? Am I ever going to get out of this rut and feel light or will I be forever burdened with this isolation and the feeling of being alone forever?

Am I enough for myself or do I need this other person in my life? Do I help or harm?

Oh! the struggles of a mind which is slipping so fast into the deep dungeons of depression. Yet holds on tenaciously to the one little dangling root with all its might. Will it be saved from its horrors or will it sink; only time will tell.

Corporate Blues: Uncomfortable truths

 

Dear God

Sample this:

Wearing a new dress, you approach your office. Everyone who is standing there turns their head in your direction. Suddenly one of them says:

Waah madam aaj to kya lag rhi ho aap

All this while scanning you from head to toe.

Then this:

You are unmarried and this fact is well known in your office. Yet you get invites official or otherwise where there is a clear mention of a certain Mrs. ‘Yours truly’. Hash!! Man give me a break.

And then this:

You get random messages from people in your office citing invitations for dinner, coffee, outings etc. All this when you have not shown any interest in the person concerned all this while. Time and again you clarify that you are least interested in talking or even getting to know this person.

And the one which takes the cake is:

Bacche krne ki umr nikli ja rhi hai tumhari. Jaldi karo warna budha jaogi to koi fayda nahin hoga.

You put up a fight on so many fronts in life and one of them is work. When you step out of your home, sweet home you fight not one but many battles in the giant war against the world. One of the battles is proving you alone are enough to face the world and represent you. Being unmarried is a personal choice and yet in your professional life it becomes a war of two worlds: one prim proper, husband, children wala and the other visits to vets, hometown, trips and living alone wala.

Please admit that you envy my life and you want to be free too. Not this sly undermining of my situation, backhanded compliments and tirchchi nazariya on my car, my driving, my new clothes, accessories and so on….

My Crackheads family: Home away from home

Dear God

Sample this:

हम टुटेसिरों की राम राम। क्या है कि रोज़ सुबह हमको जो Gud Morning प्राप्त होते हैं.. बड़े boring हैं इसलिए अब हमारा वाला Gud Morning देख लीजिए। Style पिंकी aka गुलबिया का है हम पूरी बेशर्मी के साथ कॉपी किए हैं

Gud Morning message:

शुभ सुबह💜😘👻🤪🙈🤩😘🤔🙄🤨😛🤓🤨😚🤨🙂😗😏🥳😗😜🤩🥳😏😒😠😶‍🌫😤😡😶‍🌫😖😥🤥🤭🤬😱🤭😧😐😦😓😐


इसका जवाब:

एक purple दिल था जिसको चुम्मी मिली फिर वो भूत और पागल बन गया और शर्मा भी गया। उसकी आँखों मे तारे चमकने लगे फिर चुम्मी मिली। वो सोचने लगा और फिर irritate हुआ फिर भूत की ओर प्रश्नवाचक निगाह से देखा। भूत ने इंसानी रूप लेकर जीभ चिढ़ा दिया। फिर उसको चस्मा लग गया फिर प्रश्नवाचक निगाह फिर सीटी फिर प्रश्नवाचक। भूत सीधा ही स्माइल किया फिर smirk, सीटी फिर party फिर सीटी फिर आंख मारा ( छिछोरे!) फिर आंखों में तारे फिर party फिर smirk फिर राशि वाला expression फिर गुस्सा। अब चांद छुपा बादल में। बैल वाला गुस्सा, लाल मुंह वाला तेज़ गुस्सा, फिर छुपा nervous हुआ झूठा फिर हंसा गाली दिया ( गन्दा लड़का हुंह) haai raam फिर हंसा बेशरम फिर डर गया फिर शिवि का प्रेम फिर डरा, nervous हुआ फिर शिवि वाला फिर उसका दिमाग उड़ गया फिर nervous हुआ और किसी से न कहना

And this:

Who is Vimla? Mystery resolved:

 

Now you are going to think, what madness is this? This is The Crackheads for you… one most random mix of people who came together and became friends for life 😊.

One unbreakable bond of selfless love and care…and communication. The most random words which mean gibberish to you but to us they matter the most. Okay let’s begin from the beginning:

We started with fanmily: Ankiyans* and Animaz* and then became friends forever to each other. We have all been through difficult times and yet here we are. Sometimes I think of the journey we have all covered throughout our lives and now with each other. The incredible stories we have shared with each other are all tales of love, loss, suffering and then learning to love yourself all over again. When I think of how far we have come, I can only wonder at the progress, their growth and the way they now handle life. 

We are all so damaged and this friendship is like a gentle breeze in the face of our open wounds. There have been so many days when we have laughed, cried, shared, cared and then compared battle wounds too.

Life albeit difficult has become a joyride and a promise of endless love. I wish we all are there with each other throughout this journey called life.

The most interesting thing about Crackheads is Now we have two very special members in it. In my wildest dreams I had never imagined that one day Anku and Garima would be a part of Crackheads - that was the day I literally cried tears of joy. 

With you Crackiz, every day is a blessing.

Saranghae, Borahae, Always

*Ankiyans : Fans of Anku Thakur - Writer on Pratilipi App and now with two books Who Are You and You and Me - A beautiful Journey available on Amazon. 

Also available audio books on Kuku FM 

* Animaz : Fans of Anku and Garima Singh Both writers on Pratilipi App. Garima's stories are currently available on Pratilipi.