The homecoming of the outlaws – III

THE PAST:

Use kuchh na kehna wo toota hua hai

Pathaar ke but sa deewana mila hai

Every great relationship thrives on 4 things – time, patience, sacrifice and faith. Is that why my relationship with myself is troubled? I lost faith in me. Lost my trust in my ability to form loving, caring relationships and retain them. The ones I got by virtue of my birth endure me somehow but then no one else can. The ones who tried have made it worse by giving up on me. They openly declare – I am not worth it. By saying this they reinforce the belief that I can’t make it.

I have come a long way and yet feels like I haven’t moved an inch. Everything is just the same. Nothing changed. My belief that I will never be able to do full justice to a relationship is still there. Something nags in the back of my mind – I will never be able to do this. I will never be someone who is easy around people. This homecoming is awkward to say the best. The loneliness appals me yet I know if I try to curb it, it will get worse. I have given up on it a long time back. I lost this battle a very long time back.

My subconscious knows it so well. There is no hope for people like me. We have a hard time explaining why we do what we do. When we do explain, no one understands. That is what hurts the most. No one has got the kind of patience required to cure this one.

There were times when I waited in vain for someone to be with me, to appreciate what I am. To look beyond my skin, age, weight, height and complexion and discover the person I am. No one did and the hope died slowly. Now nothing you say or do will be able to revive it, now or ever.

I know you quit trying long time back.

THE PRESENT:

Fir se lage duniya bani, mahke zameen tere karan

Pahle kahan aisi thi mai, mai hun hansi tere karan

Thank you..Thank you…Thank you. Your faith, your patience, your time and all the sacrifices you made for me have finally made me believe – we are meant to be. We are together and we will always be. You and your firm handling of my vices led me to believe I am not all that bad. The little goodness I have in me has revived the hope that I can retain this relationship. My motherly instincts, my caring ways and my tenderness all come alive for you. I almost do not recognise the person I have become with you. For the first time in my life, I feel sure of someone and sure that your trust in me can work the wonders. What a journey, my love. Incredible to say the best! I am sorry for all the hardships you endured for me. I am sorry for all those harsh words I hurt you with. I am so sorry that I have inflicted so many blames on you. Baseless all of them! Every single second from the day I met you, I thanked God that I have you in my life. Every time you did something for me, I thanked you for you are always there. I never expressed it before but secretly wished you would endure the test of time. So you did and my trust is well rewarded.

I will move mountains for you if you ask. Right now, let me just build you this beautiful relationship, our beautiful relationship.

I love you.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty.