Behind the wheels

THE PAST:

अपनी मर्ज़ी से कहाँ अपने सफ़र के हम हैं

रुख हवाओं का जिधर का है उधर के हम हैं

पहले हर चीज़ थी अपनी मगर अब लगता है

अपने ही घर में किसी दूसरे घर के हम हैं

Dear God

I am half way through my life and I have seen so much. Not all of course….just much. I saw friends turning their backs at me when I needed them the most. I saw loved ones betraying me when I placed my faith in them. I saw lies, deceit and misunderstandings where I expected complete clarity with them. I saw happy endings, alas for me…only endings. I saw that with a little effort I can do pretty much everything. Yet I always fail to make a place in someone’s life. I saw that I have immense courage that offers the same amount of me to every relationship – I give my all.

Oh my eyes are tired now…feet are almost done. Ears are fed up of the gossip I hear about myself. Mouth tightly shut for fear of letting lose some bitter and unpleasant truths. Honesty is an overpowering emotion God and the consequences are severe. At times I stop and wonder ‘Has it all been really this bad or am I making up a world in my mind where all fingers are pointing accusingly at me.’ I am confused God and angry and hurt and disappointed and upset and happy. Yeah! You heard that one right. I am happy that it all is out in the open. Finally I can breathe easy.

My strength has been tried and tested in so many ways God and I think I pass with flying colours. A new beginning – they say. Bury the hatchet – they ask me. Start Afresh – they insist.  Ekela chalo* and Miles to go before I sleep*.

I cannot believe in my 33 years of existence I never found a single soul who could love me for what I am. Nah I found no one. Not even once. I have been labelled a lot of things and it hurts….it hurts a lot. So what do I do? Take it all out on You or the next person I can find? People think that is what I did.  No, I did not. I pointed out their mistakes, their shortcomings, their lack of discretion and overstepping their boundaries. I am guilty of lack of discretion and so are they.

PS: I do not regret what happened. Some people do learn the hard way. I happen to be the best of them. For I learn in the hardest possible way…over and over and over again. Bring it on!

THE PRESENT:

अच्छे ने अच्छा और बुरे ने बुरा जाना मुझे

जिसकी जैसी फितरत थी उसने वैसा पहचाना मुझे

Dear God

Thanks for giving me such a privileged and sheltered life. I am so happy that I have the strength to bounce back. I know that the path is a little uphill but I know that You are my anchor. As You hold my hand through this and everything else, I promise I will stop at nothing to excel in whatever I come across. People say that I am single. Little do they know. I feel like I am married God. The kind of commitment and faith and effort and single-mindedness that my career requires; I seem to be married to it. Wow, when I look back I cannot believe I have come this far. But far I am and have achieved most of the things from my bucket list. I wrote it in college and it has the most far-fetched and diverse interests in it. I never realised when they all came true. But they did. Thank You God. Cross country trips, all expenses paid stays in the classiest of places for official meetings, opportunity to train people, chances to make a difference in under privileged peoples’ lives, my dream car, a pet, independence and so much more. All of it has now come true. Thank You

The love that You have for me has been expressed in many beautiful ways. I had hands which held me when I fell, ears that gave me a patient hearing when I needed them to. People who went out of the way to forgive my mistakes, promising beginnings when I thought it was all over and what not. I love You God. Thank you for giving me everything even if at the time I did not know that I needed it. Now I do…

PS: I learnt driving…Yay!!

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

 Credits: All shayaris used in the articles are snatches of Ghazals or Couplets taken from the internet. Ekala Chalo Gurudev Rabindra Nath Tagore and Miles to go from Robert Frost’s Poem Stopping by Woods.

Haunted

THE PAST:

तेरे खुशबू में बसे ख़त, मैं जलाता कैसे

प्यार में डूबे हुए ख़त, मैं जलाता कैसे?

Acrid smell of burning paper fills the air. I watch the diary burn with a hollow look in my eyes. I am so done crying for you. Words written with so much love, thoughts and feelings - all reduced to ashes now. All the sleepless nights which I spent in preparing this gift for you - gone. All the thoughts that went through my mind - lost. All the time I spent reading and re-reading it is now over. All that is left is a faint recollection. I am counting on it to fade with time. I still remember the day I gave it to you. I had just read The Notebook* and I wanted you to have your own version of that. I am a little Ms. Drama that way. A hopeless romantic!

Anyway! I gave it to you and you looked pleased. Not the 'I am happily surprised' kind of pleased. But a 'I don't know what to do' kind of pleased. My love used to confuse you. You used to ask often ' Why do you love me so much?' Now I know. I loved you because I am wired that way. I love with all my heart, I trust blindly, I plunge my heart, mind and soul in it with abandon. I am a no holds barred person. It is not such a bad thing though. You may think now that I was wanton. I was everything but that. My love belongs to one only. But no one seems to do justice to it so far. The men in my life were either fools that they lost something so precious. Or maybe they were super smart that they got so much out of a relationship in such a short time. That too without having to return the love, the time. the dedication, the patience and so much more. Anyway!

THE PRESENT:

 हर इक बात पे कहते हो तुम कि तू क्या है,

तुम्ही कहो ये अंदाज़े गुफ्तगू क्या है? 

People love to call out on me for my choices and my life style. It is nothing weird though. I go to office, come home, take my dog for a walk and then let the night sink in.Every single day. So why do I need to tell you this? That is because the rumor mill was working overtime again. I have been hearing things like I was partying with abandon or was seen with someone I hardly know. Over the years people have invented their own versions of me and none of them comes close to what I really am.

Now imagine if a person like me was married - Phew!! First of all, it would depend on whether the other half (No, not better half, unless proven ;) loves dogs. It is a non-negotiable. If a person like me was married - Ghar me bahut shor hoga. I am used to the silence, the sleepiness, the solace. The absolute peace and quite. Now suddenly I will have to talk..talk! Ewwwww. After the mandatory attendance call home, I have no energy left to do that. On top of that, I will have to cook, clean and pickup after a good-for-nothing sloth. Yeah, that is what most men are. Sorry boys.

This you may say is a narrow minded point of view and marriage is a beautiful thing. Agreed. But I have never seen the beauty in it. I always have seen many sides of marriage and one is worse than the other. So as an outsider, I think I am better off. Also the truth is Angur khatte hain. Yeah, you heard that right. Meri life koi sooraj barjatya movie thode na hai ki gharwale mand mand muskurate rahen aur hamari pasand ko dhoom dhaam se apna len. 

Every man in my life has been a free loader. I had to provide for them while they were with me and bear the loans they left on my head after they left. All the broken relationships in my life tried to teach me - I am way better off alone.

There is no man in this world who will be able to take a stand for me. I have stopped day dreaming after the latest crisis. I haven't called it quits yet, though. A hopeless, eternal romantic in me would hate to see you go. But in my heart I know the end is near.

As it approaches, I want you to know. I forgive you and all that came before you. For you know not what you have done.

Courtesy: Nicholas Sparks The Notebook and Mirza Ghalib (Couplets)

Disclaimer: the story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and know as artistic liberty. 

Not Guilty As Charged

Dear God

फिर उसी बेवफा पे मरते हैं,फिर वही ज़िन्दगी  हमारी है 

बेखुदी बेसबब नहीं ग़ालिब, कुछ तो है जिसकी पर्देदारी है


Once again You brought me a situation which is an exact replica of the last one. The only difference being -  the person in question is far more mature and understanding than the last. yet has responded in exactly the same way as the last. Once more, someone has raised doubts on my integrity and loyalty. God. when you made me you should have put some of the 'Duniyadari' nd the 'triya charitra' everyone talks about. Last time, I got incinerated because someone decided to pay me a visit - without informing me and catching me off guard. Last time, I was accused of retaining the contact, having stayed in touch and deliberately inviting him and then feigning ignorance. The accusations, needless to say were all false. This time, I am being thrown to the dogs because of a phone call, a supposedly harmless 'How are you doing' type. Dear God, what crime have I committed if I chose to attend it in spite of the very late hour? You tell...!!!

Is is wrong to forgive someone's past mistakes? That is what I did when I agreed that though we had a failed relationship, we were great friends too. All I did was retain that friendship. The worst thing about it is, I have now lost both- my life and my relationship. Needless to say the person who caused all this trouble feigns innocence and has stayed away since then. He who deliberately set out to make my life hell now says ' Sorry, I do not want to cause trouble for you' A tad late, God. If you ask me. 

Dear God, men and women are so not equal when it comes to relationships. it is acceptable for your men to have friends in the opposite gender. Alas, not for us!!

Who said your world was fair??

Still Love you, God. Still have faith. 

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. '

The Temp File

असर उसको ज़रा नहीं होता, रंज राहत-फ़ज़ा नहीं होता

तुम हमारे किसी तरह न हुए, वरना दुनिया में क्या नहीं होता

Dear Ex

As you embarked on the journey of life with your chosen one, I braced myself for the struggle that my life had become. There were bad days and then there were worst. Good days in between...You slowly killed my dreams and with them you killed the person I once was or could be with you. I forgot what it was to be loved, cherished and desired. I forgot what it was to be wanted. For some time in my life, I lived every day as my last. You know what, I am still lost. One year has passed and I have come back to the place I was. Not that I regret being so… Deep down I feel I was meant for being alone. A person in my situation would want some understanding…which I never got.  I have been too strong for too long. People have forgotten that even the strongest of all need someone, someday.

For some time I thought I found my footing in a relationship. I was a fool! As I notice his indifference and the growing distance between us, I brace myself for another ending. I have lost my ability to retain a relationship…I feel so lost. The best thing about it is ‘I already know how to deal with this one…You prepared me for it.’  But nothing could prepare me for what happened today. As I listen to his accusations, I remind myself that I was the one who brought it upon me. As I listen to the same ‘We are great friends, I need your friendship (!), marriage destroys relationships, etc etc etc!!!! And yet in my heart I know, some day he too will meet someone he would love to take home. I am just not the one and he is too nice to admit it. Just like you, he will hide this truth from me until the end.

Loving, caring, understanding…three words which deceive me throughout my life. Every relationship which I carved ended up being a mirror image of the last one. The same words…the same undertone…the same reasons reiterated. Your job, your pet, your past, your nature….Ah I should copy and paste this list somewhere. It will be put to good use the next time…Next time!!!! I hope there is no next time. I don’t have the courage to be deceived anymore.  

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. '

A Class Apart

THE PAST:

Dear God

जाते जाते वो मुझे, अच्छी निशानी दे गया 

उम्र भर दुहराउंगा ऐसी कहानी दे गया 

खैर मेँ प्यासा रहा पर उसने इतना तो किया 

मेरी पलकों की कतारों को वो पानी दे गया 

I don't know what You were thinking when you made a person like me! Do I ever give up trusting people? People undergo one painful experience and just give up on life. Commit suicide, become addicted to substance abuse, become a recluse, even go AWOL for some time. Yet here I am. Kis mitti se banaya hai aapne?  Can't seem to stop trusting people!

For once in my life, I wish I had not been what I am today. I would at least have been safe. I feel so exposed, raw and vulnerable these days.

Courage, persistence, valour and conviction - all seem so far-fetched, so distant. All that remains is the nagging feeling that I am 'not good enough'. I have fought this feeling for so long and now I am tired. The urge to give up is overpowering the will to try. What to do God?

In tough times, when I have been through so much, Your love was the beacon which guided me through it. I need it more than ever now. Dear God, I have lost all faith.

Dear God, think positive is a chant I repeat every so often. Just to keep up my spirits. Yet when I look up, I can't see the stars in the sky. All I see is a dark looming over me. What is this darkness God? Where is your light?

Dear God, hold my hand and lead me to light. Show me the way out of this gloom. Show me for once that love and faith is rewarded. That there are people in Your world who keep promises they make. That You made someone mad enough to have faith in me and love me the way I am.
Dear God, give me that someone who has the same blind trust in people that I possess. Give him back to me. Please.

THE PRESENT:

Dear God

Life has so much more to offer than just the struggles...for a girl like me my only struggle is to feel secure. I do, now. For I finally understood the security I seek has to come from within. Before I trust others, I have to trust myself. I have to have faith in my own abilities to make it happen. I have to know the person I am. I have to shine through all this darkness and firmly believe that at the end of it all, there is light. Hope is a beautiful thing God. Hope that I have a great future and it starts now, right now. I claim it right now. I love You God and I love myself too for You created me.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Write Fair, God. Please !!

कुदरत के उसूलों में बदल क्यों नहीं होता ; जो आज हुआ है वही कल क्यों नहीं होता

जब उसने ही दुनिया का ये दीवान लिखा है ; हर आदमी प्यारी सी ग़ज़ल क्यों नहीं होता

Dear God

It all started when I came across a story I was reading… Unrequited love was the theme. Then I read another and another and another…That is when I discovered that in the name of reality, 9 out of 10 stories were sad. The saddest part of it all was…the sad stories sounded relevant and more real. Why?

Having the power to mould a story any which ways you want is a pretty powerful thing. Reminds me of You – God; the scriptwriter of our lives. Write fair, God. Write love, write faith, write honesty. Write rewards for hard work God. Write love not hatred. Most importantly, write love for love. Not indifference, not casual acknowledgement, not ignorance.

In the recent turn of events, India shook with the incidents of mob lynching, hate crimes and violent assaults on men and women alike. Who can forget Jeesha,Pradyuman and the likes? But they are the extremities. What about everyday life and people around us? All of us are carrying our own burdens, going through our own private hells.

Love -supposed to be the most beautiful feeling in the world. But your people have added so much sorrow to it. You made them prisoners of their past, their beautiful past. You made cynics out of believers, God. People who have genuine feelings are being robbed of them only because of their experiences. Falling in love is their only crime.

You know what is the worst part? When we fall in love, we forget age, caste, creed, religion, wealth and what not. All the tomfoolery of your world just fades, becomes negligent. Not forever though. It comes to play as soon as we try to retain that love in our lives. Your world has no respect for feelings. It loves to make a mockery of them.

Mockery it is…

PS: Thank you for everything.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Morning Sun to my Yelda*

Dear Readers

Sorry for the long pause. Long official trips and relocation is to be blamed. When I started writing this blog, a lot of people asked me; “Is it my story? It is too personal, too detailed, and too insightful. Some of them have taken offense too that I chose to discuss everything so openly. Some were hurt and offended.

To all of them I say; I am the voice of hundreds of people like me. I cannot stifle my voice for that would mean I have declined them their right too! So my dear readers, be prepared for some honesty, some fun and some more of my bluntness.

Love you All

THE PAST:

तेरे  बारे में  जब  सोचा नहीं था , मैं  तनहा था मगर इतना नहीं था

तेरी तस्वीर से करता था बातें , मेरे कमरे में तब आइना नहीं था 

Reading The Kite Runner the other day, I came across this term. By the way, this book is a fabulous story of triumph of humanity. The way Amir finally finds his voice and fights to right the wrongs is something we all should do. Hardly happens in life though!!

In real life, you don’t marry the girl who ran off with her boyfriend when she was a teenager. In real life, you do not have the courage to take a stand for a woman who was wronged. In real life, you do what the one before you did, blame her and move on. May be my folks are right. Books really have distorted my view of the world. They made me believe a fairer world and the existence of equality in all relationships. Tough luck, Barrett!

Yelda, the first night of winter and the longest night of the year… You: the longest and the darkest night of my life. No hope…no dreams….no love. I remember the hopelessness and the constant abandonment. Confined in my own body, I felt trapped. At times, it took some effort to even breathe. Those were the days when I believed nothing good would ever happen.  The days when I believed I deserved the shabby treatment meted out to me. Those were the darkest times of my life. The times when I was abandoned, shunned for seeking a committed relationship, ridiculed for asking for loyalty and laughed at because I believed myself. Those were the days when I ceased to live, when I gave up on my life and for a brief period of time, I could not find myself.

Luckily, I did!

THE PRESENT:

Dear Sun

Thank you for dispelling the darkness with your amazing light, my morning sun. You rise with your glory and make me feel warm again. Thank you for clearing the cob webs in my mind and making me see life once again. Thank you for giving me the courage to fight. With you, I have seen the best days of my life and the best thing about it is; they have just begun. Thank you for dispelling all the myths that a fallen woman can never rise. Thank you for helping me find my confidence once again. Thank you for the unconditional love, unquestionable faith. Thank you for the everlasting love and unending support. With you, I learnt to love again.

Thank you for fighting my battles and winning my war.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

·       Courtesy : The Kite Runner by Khalid Hosseini