Behind the wheels

THE PAST:

अपनी मर्ज़ी से कहाँ अपने सफ़र के हम हैं

रुख हवाओं का जिधर का है उधर के हम हैं

पहले हर चीज़ थी अपनी मगर अब लगता है

अपने ही घर में किसी दूसरे घर के हम हैं

Dear God

I am half way through my life and I have seen so much. Not all of course….just much. I saw friends turning their backs at me when I needed them the most. I saw loved ones betraying me when I placed my faith in them. I saw lies, deceit and misunderstandings where I expected complete clarity with them. I saw happy endings, alas for me…only endings. I saw that with a little effort I can do pretty much everything. Yet I always fail to make a place in someone’s life. I saw that I have immense courage that offers the same amount of me to every relationship – I give my all.

Oh my eyes are tired now…feet are almost done. Ears are fed up of the gossip I hear about myself. Mouth tightly shut for fear of letting lose some bitter and unpleasant truths. Honesty is an overpowering emotion God and the consequences are severe. At times I stop and wonder ‘Has it all been really this bad or am I making up a world in my mind where all fingers are pointing accusingly at me.’ I am confused God and angry and hurt and disappointed and upset and happy. Yeah! You heard that one right. I am happy that it all is out in the open. Finally I can breathe easy.

My strength has been tried and tested in so many ways God and I think I pass with flying colours. A new beginning – they say. Bury the hatchet – they ask me. Start Afresh – they insist.  Ekela chalo* and Miles to go before I sleep*.

I cannot believe in my 33 years of existence I never found a single soul who could love me for what I am. Nah I found no one. Not even once. I have been labelled a lot of things and it hurts….it hurts a lot. So what do I do? Take it all out on You or the next person I can find? People think that is what I did.  No, I did not. I pointed out their mistakes, their shortcomings, their lack of discretion and overstepping their boundaries. I am guilty of lack of discretion and so are they.

PS: I do not regret what happened. Some people do learn the hard way. I happen to be the best of them. For I learn in the hardest possible way…over and over and over again. Bring it on!

THE PRESENT:

अच्छे ने अच्छा और बुरे ने बुरा जाना मुझे

जिसकी जैसी फितरत थी उसने वैसा पहचाना मुझे

Dear God

Thanks for giving me such a privileged and sheltered life. I am so happy that I have the strength to bounce back. I know that the path is a little uphill but I know that You are my anchor. As You hold my hand through this and everything else, I promise I will stop at nothing to excel in whatever I come across. People say that I am single. Little do they know. I feel like I am married God. The kind of commitment and faith and effort and single-mindedness that my career requires; I seem to be married to it. Wow, when I look back I cannot believe I have come this far. But far I am and have achieved most of the things from my bucket list. I wrote it in college and it has the most far-fetched and diverse interests in it. I never realised when they all came true. But they did. Thank You God. Cross country trips, all expenses paid stays in the classiest of places for official meetings, opportunity to train people, chances to make a difference in under privileged peoples’ lives, my dream car, a pet, independence and so much more. All of it has now come true. Thank You

The love that You have for me has been expressed in many beautiful ways. I had hands which held me when I fell, ears that gave me a patient hearing when I needed them to. People who went out of the way to forgive my mistakes, promising beginnings when I thought it was all over and what not. I love You God. Thank you for giving me everything even if at the time I did not know that I needed it. Now I do…

PS: I learnt driving…Yay!!

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

 Credits: All shayaris used in the articles are snatches of Ghazals or Couplets taken from the internet. Ekala Chalo Gurudev Rabindra Nath Tagore and Miles to go from Robert Frost’s Poem Stopping by Woods.