Remembering happier times...Rakshabandhan

THE PAST:

Those were the days…Oh what days! Days before Rakshabandhan all the shops were decorated with so many types of Rakhis and we used to plan....Animations or musical, cards or bracelet, ornamental or the famous and highly coveted one with flowers or the really pricy gold and silver threads. Rakhis of all shapes and sizes hogged the market and made our choice harder every year. Back in those days, we not only had a long line of cousins from both sides but also the next day in school when year after year we used to look forward to meeting our Rakhi brothers. 

Those were the days when blissfully unaware of the existence of Valentine Days and Friendship Days of the world, we were lost in the emotion of brotherhood. Generation X was when mobile phones were few and far in between. Sweet old tring tring bore the responsibilities of communication and keeping in touch. Now when we have the world on our fingertips, our ears attuned to the ting of our notifications, the world has become a lonelier place. The rustle of papers and the swish of pens, the thrill of choosing the colors when we made those new year cards and the excitement of receiving letters… everything had a new charm.

THE PRESENT:

Ting, ting ting…as I checked a plethora of Rakshabandhan messages from random people, the few that mattered were few calls I received. My siblings were here, in spirit if not in person. Holding the flag for Generation X, we had touched our lives and heart. Made each other feel that 'No matter what, we are here for each other. Always have, always will. 

The unsuitable girl

THE PAST:

इश्क ने ग़ालिब निकम्मा कर दिया

वरना हम भी आदमी थे काम के

The holy grail of matrimony deceives me so far. Or maybe I am the one doing the deceiving. It is easy, they say. It is effortless, they tell me. The past does not matter, they insist. It will happen, they state. You will be comfortable, they promise. You will be taken care of, they try.

But to no avail. The sceptic in me has not given up so far. With my kind of experiences, I would not know how and to whom I will be able to say ‘Yes’. One thing is for sure, compelling hasn’t worked. Painting gory pictures of the future also did not work. In a fit of rage my close ones resorted to calling me names. That also didn’t earn anything but mockery from my side.

All attempts to parade me in front of prospects and vice versa have failed so far. What do you want? My insides churn at this thought.

The fact is I am too scared to put all my life in someone’s hands. Sharing is not a problem but when I see people giving up so much to keep it intact, I get scared. All the adversities and everyday troubles of married life scare me. Also the possibility of being deceived again haunts me. What will I do if I discover the stack of love letters in the attic or a plethora of messages hidden behind that password! Or maybe years of marriage and a couple of kids later, we may decide to part ways. How will I cope with that? Not having anything is so much better than having and losing. My heart tells me that. 

What do I want, really? ‘Acceptance’ the heart whispers. ‘You wish’ the brain scolds. It’s a ‘no’…end of story.

THE PRESENT:

दिल से तेरी निगाह जिगर तक उतर गई

दोनों को इक अदा में रजामंद कर गई

Saying yes was never a problem to me. I said yes to everything which came into my life. The problem is on the other side. The problem is with the people who were willing, in fact, more than willing to be with me only for the happy and fun part. They dread the part where I am so not at my best and completely avoid the one where they are told to make a decision. Keeping me hanging seems to be the way to be. If pestered much, this particular breed prefers to parade my past mistakes in front of me in an attempt to shut me up. It works! Really!

When I see it from their eyes, even I start feeling I do not deserve the happy ending I wish for. No Chance! What was your point again? Why do I allow people in my life when they are like this.Well I happen to like some human interaction. Also I have an inherent and incurable belief that not all people are bad. One of these days, I am bound to have my fairy tale ending.

All those who left me crave for the absolute commitment I had for them. They are amazed at the cold shoulder now. But calling me fleeting will not solve it. It was you, not me… remember! You were the one who chose to walk out so do not be offended if I shut the door to your face. I will not only shut it but lock it with a firm hand too.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

 Credits: All shayaris used in this article are couplets by Mirza Ghalib. 

Nothing’s gonna change my love for you

THE PAST:

One thing you can be sure of 

I'll never ask for more than your love

I have listened to this song like a hundred times and yet I want to keep on listening to it. What beautiful lines…so relevant. Now I know why you said songs take you to your past. A time when everything was fine, when you were so happy, so carefree, when you used to go out in the rain, got drenched, watched movies and came back. All that fun in your college days which you shared with me. You were really in a great mood that day….I was surprised when you started singing along with me…Old songs, new songs, across genres and generations…We are great together!! That is what I felt and that is what I feel even now. But now is not what it was then. I wistfully look back at our shared past and accept the isolation that has now become my sole companion. Sometimes I feel I was wrong in extending my love and faith to a thankless person like you. At others I feel the whole point of loving someone is to accept their flaws. Does that also mean to let them put you down? At other occasions I feel grateful to have shared my life with you. Wonderful times…did it really have to end so badly?  

THE PRESENT:

एक दिन आप यूँ, हमको मिल जायेंगे 

फूल ही फूल राहों में खिल जायेंगे 

मैंने सोचा न था 

Dear God

Love works in strange ways. There I was listening to someone vent it all out and yet in my heart I was so jealous. If you leave it, you miss it. If you have, you hate it. So what was better, God? People all around me are trying to convince me I am better off without him. Somehow seems like angoor khatte hain to me. However, in all this I am sure of one thing – I was right then and I am right now. Proud as hell, I changed my path and walk alone. I am happy at my uncomplicated existence. I am happy at my ability to face the world with a smile. I am happy at the faith with which I put myself out there again. So everything is not lost yet. I dream of love, I dream of eternal togetherness and I know some day, it will come true.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Being a foster parent: An inter-caste marriage

घर से मस्जिद बहुत दूर चलो यूँ कर लें

किसी रोते हुए बच्चे को हंसाया जाए

My dear world,

What is wrong with you? I am a dog lover, all right. You do not have to be hater at that! With your profound love (!) for mankind you have already spread so much propaganda about caste, creed and religion.  Do not spread it to them dogs, eh.

The story started when Chiku decided to adopt a stray. Those who do not know who Chiku is – he is my absolutely spoilt Pomeranian brat. Dare you call him a dog…He has this irritating but beautiful habit of opening up his home for other dogs. My job is to get them checked, get those injections and other precautions and of course cleaning up after them.

I have had a fair share of criticism because I decided to adopt Chiku. Now I have opened a fresh can of worms. My intention behind fostering this adorable stray was pretty simple – she is cute, homely and affectionate. She deserves a chance at a better life. I am trying to help her with that.

Meanwhile the unthinkable happened. The pup in question is a female so she had more pups. Unfortunately only one survived. My struggle doubled. Please don’t be mistaken. I love all parts of it. The only problem is – howsoever cute a domestic pup is; it has no high rank or pedigree to support those qualities.

This experience taught me something I already know. When there is little hope for humans with inferior pedigree, for these pups it is nearly hopeless. Who is going to look beyond the criticism and believe in these wonderful adorable fur balls?

I look into their eyes and see the fear of being abandoned on the streets evident in them. But one thing I can assure – unless and until they get their forever homes, they are free to live under my roof. I am trying and soon will find a home for them. In my heart I know, someone somewhere is waiting to give them the prefect opportunity to have a loved and happy life.

On top of that, they are both females. Need I say more?

What a wonderful world! - An open letter to the new age man

Dear God

Just as I was about to give up on good men or men altogether, I got your message loud and clear. There is hope, there is faith, there is love and understanding right in front of me. In the world of misguided attempts to protect us, the words below by my best friend’s hubby tell us that a few good ones are still out there and counting. Take a look:

          

Way to go, Dr. Raja Appuswamy! Thank you for putting it so aptly and wonderfully. I have no words to describe this feeling. Victory!! Yay!

I simply fell in love with these lines:

‘It’s Ok for old books to be wrong. It’s ok if God is wrong.’

In that one moment, every struggle I ever came across has just become worth it. Many times I have been judged for my choices and today one sentence just shuts all of them up ‘I don’t care what selection she makes. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT. The job of a parent is to NOT TO DECIDE WHAT IS RIGHT FOR their girl or boy. It is to help them decide on their own.’

Or this:

Women dressing well due to lusty desires – This is the exact logic used in work place for sexual misconduct.

Women like me are so tired of explaining why without a man in my life, I need to look so good or happy for that matter. Thank you for saying out loud – men want to look good too and women do so for themselves. Not to attract unwanted attention.

So much has been written in support of woman empowerment but these spontaneous words are easily the best. The most wonderful thing about this post is the loud and clear acknowledgement that a woman is a person first of all.

From woman empowerment to personization of women – the new age men are redefining feminism and beautifully so!

And Nimz – great choice, Gal J

Disclaimer: This one is also true

Intolerant Me

THE PAST:

अच्छे ने अच्छा और बुरे ने बुरा जाना मुझे

जिसकी जैसी फितरत थी उसने वैसा पहचाना मुझे

Dear God

A lot of words have been said about the importance of honesty in relationships and everywhere else. Everyone wants everyone to speak their hearts out, share their concerns and tell no lies. Everyone wants everyone to have open conversations, set realistic limits and have a balanced life. Or so I believed.

The truth is so far from this. I am still reeling with the shock of the backbiting spree. But thanks to You, I can cope. I can cope. I can cope or else I can fool the world into believing that I can cope.

God, my words are jumbled, confused and swinging both ways. One me says let it all out and the other is a diplomat. God, in situations like this, people use this little thing called tact. Not my middle word exactly!

Odd – one word which comes to my mind when I want to describe myself. For isn’t it odd that I have been open about myself even when I could sugar coat everything and just glaze over the important parts.

It is like an agreement with the Japanese where they argue each and every point until a mutual agreement is reached. Then they honour every word written there. The kind of self-policing I subject myself to is the same. No one does that.

Well! Tactless me ….

THE PRESENT:

यूँ बेवजह तो खामोश नहीं हूँ मैं

कुछ तो बर्दाश्त किया होगा

Silence is Gold. In the face of everything, here is my answer. Zilch, nada, nothing, sifer. I choose to go my way and silently so. Hard work pays, so does persistence. Therefore God, I surrender the facts to You now.

The best rebuttal so far is the smile I have on my lips even though my eyes are filled with tears of betrayal. Let my work speak. I have been following this since time immemorial.

For I know that it is darkest before dawn and no mountain is unsurmountable. This mountain of accusations will soon become molehill with Your blessings. I love You God and I love the life You bestowed upon me. Your Blessings are with me as I leave all this behind.

I found my purpose in life and it is nothing more than to live each day as if it is my last. Thank You for letting me live to the fullest.

Love You.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

 Credits: All shayaris used in this article are couplets by Mirza Ghalib.

Behind the wheels

THE PAST:

अपनी मर्ज़ी से कहाँ अपने सफ़र के हम हैं

रुख हवाओं का जिधर का है उधर के हम हैं

पहले हर चीज़ थी अपनी मगर अब लगता है

अपने ही घर में किसी दूसरे घर के हम हैं

Dear God

I am half way through my life and I have seen so much. Not all of course….just much. I saw friends turning their backs at me when I needed them the most. I saw loved ones betraying me when I placed my faith in them. I saw lies, deceit and misunderstandings where I expected complete clarity with them. I saw happy endings, alas for me…only endings. I saw that with a little effort I can do pretty much everything. Yet I always fail to make a place in someone’s life. I saw that I have immense courage that offers the same amount of me to every relationship – I give my all.

Oh my eyes are tired now…feet are almost done. Ears are fed up of the gossip I hear about myself. Mouth tightly shut for fear of letting lose some bitter and unpleasant truths. Honesty is an overpowering emotion God and the consequences are severe. At times I stop and wonder ‘Has it all been really this bad or am I making up a world in my mind where all fingers are pointing accusingly at me.’ I am confused God and angry and hurt and disappointed and upset and happy. Yeah! You heard that one right. I am happy that it all is out in the open. Finally I can breathe easy.

My strength has been tried and tested in so many ways God and I think I pass with flying colours. A new beginning – they say. Bury the hatchet – they ask me. Start Afresh – they insist.  Ekela chalo* and Miles to go before I sleep*.

I cannot believe in my 33 years of existence I never found a single soul who could love me for what I am. Nah I found no one. Not even once. I have been labelled a lot of things and it hurts….it hurts a lot. So what do I do? Take it all out on You or the next person I can find? People think that is what I did.  No, I did not. I pointed out their mistakes, their shortcomings, their lack of discretion and overstepping their boundaries. I am guilty of lack of discretion and so are they.

PS: I do not regret what happened. Some people do learn the hard way. I happen to be the best of them. For I learn in the hardest possible way…over and over and over again. Bring it on!

THE PRESENT:

अच्छे ने अच्छा और बुरे ने बुरा जाना मुझे

जिसकी जैसी फितरत थी उसने वैसा पहचाना मुझे

Dear God

Thanks for giving me such a privileged and sheltered life. I am so happy that I have the strength to bounce back. I know that the path is a little uphill but I know that You are my anchor. As You hold my hand through this and everything else, I promise I will stop at nothing to excel in whatever I come across. People say that I am single. Little do they know. I feel like I am married God. The kind of commitment and faith and effort and single-mindedness that my career requires; I seem to be married to it. Wow, when I look back I cannot believe I have come this far. But far I am and have achieved most of the things from my bucket list. I wrote it in college and it has the most far-fetched and diverse interests in it. I never realised when they all came true. But they did. Thank You God. Cross country trips, all expenses paid stays in the classiest of places for official meetings, opportunity to train people, chances to make a difference in under privileged peoples’ lives, my dream car, a pet, independence and so much more. All of it has now come true. Thank You

The love that You have for me has been expressed in many beautiful ways. I had hands which held me when I fell, ears that gave me a patient hearing when I needed them to. People who went out of the way to forgive my mistakes, promising beginnings when I thought it was all over and what not. I love You God. Thank you for giving me everything even if at the time I did not know that I needed it. Now I do…

PS: I learnt driving…Yay!!

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

 Credits: All shayaris used in the articles are snatches of Ghazals or Couplets taken from the internet. Ekala Chalo Gurudev Rabindra Nath Tagore and Miles to go from Robert Frost’s Poem Stopping by Woods.