The Blame Game

THE PAST:

‘Jhoothe Ilzaam meri Jaan lagaya na karo

Dil hai nazuk ise tum aise sataya na karo.’

Dear Ex

A broken relationship gives you so much time to introspect on life and all that there is in it. When we broke up, I started hating myself for being what I am. I hated my accomplishments, my privileges, my hard work and my achievements. I wondered why I had to be different from everyone else. Why could I not be the girl next door? Why I was special and important for the society? For once in my life, I wanted to be the girl in the back of the room, not the one standing in front giving a presentation. For once, I did not want to be independent.

The fact that I work to earn a living is always the elephant in the room when it comes to marriage. People have gone to the extent of saying ‘You don’t need to be married, you toh earn your own money…’ Or this that ‘Paise ke chakkar me ghar se itni door akeli ho, shadi bhi kyun karogi when you are enjoying yourself so much.’  No one notices the fact that I have a family too. All I did was be what they wanted me to be. I wanted to justify my existence in their lives. Like every other child, I wanted to make them feel proud,.. Like a normal child, I want to shoulder my responsibilities. Equality for women is not only in terms of going out and stuff. It is also that my father is never alone. He can depend on me for something, everything. Being dependable and responsible is all I sought. This ‘enjoying myself’ is a huge sacrifice I made.

I compromised a life of comfort and security and faced the society on my own. My choices are tough but necessary. I am bound not by compulsion but by my sense of duty towards my family and my country. I have been bestowed with a professional education; the country has invested in me. I have to give back to it.

If my skill is what you need, then yes I am willing to sacrifice my personal goals for it. I am willing to deliberately stay and choose this life over all else.

THE PRESENT:

‘ Tumko dekha to ye khayal aaya

Zindagi dhoop tum Ghana saaya’

Dear love

Thank you for understanding that I have the right to earn my living. Thank you for understanding it does not mean you are incapable of taking care of me. That it means you are mature enough to understand that I am an individual and I have to have my own place in the society. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for going beyond conventions and letting me be your partner in true sense.

Thank you for trusting my capabilities to handle both office and home. Thank you for respecting and maintaining the dignity of my hard work. Thank you for being what you are to me. I love you…

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Agle janam mohe….

THE PAST:

‘Jo ab kiye ho Daata, aisa na kijo

Agle janam mohe bitiya na kijo’

Since the day I came to my senses, I have often wondered…was I really meant to be a woman? Did I really have to be a woman and lack feminity…Did I really just talk back to my parents like that and felt not an iota of guilt..? Did I really, deliberately refused point blank to do the household chores and chose to pursue whatever interested me at that particular moment? Did I really have a string of relationships and I am still unapologetic about all of them? Did I really travel cross country all by myself and did not ask anyone whether I could? Did I really shoulder the responsibilities at home to the best of my ability without even thinking whether I could? What would happen in future if my better half does not like it? Did I really choose to pursue a career instead of an early marriage to an apparently well settled guy? Am I really willing to forgo marital bliss? Deliberately and openly…? Was it really me who defied all social norms when I chose to wait for my perfect one instead of settling for less…

Being a girl is all about being submissive and meek. If not, you will be subjected to unending judgements. Everyone will have a say in your life and all will hold you responsible for what went wrong. Chastise you for not looking good or splurging on shallow things like expensive clothes. Everything you do is under the scanner and people are really itching to tell you what is wrong with you..Or for that matter what you should do to land a guy..From Vrats and Poojas to behaviour and conduct advice…you name it you have it.

PS : I still do not regret my choices, no matter what the world tells me.

THE PRESENT:

Dear God

Being a woman is a pretty powerful thing…

I love you for accepting me unconditionally and thank you for I was born as a woman. I love the way mom dressed me up in pretty frocks and not boring pant suits. I love that I hold the power to create…literally create a new life…a new body and a little soul. I love that I will get to share a bond so powerful, so special, so divine!!

I love that I will always have the healing touch…No matter which it is…Father, brother, sister, mother I can be anything and I can be all at once.

My presence in my close ones’ lives is irreplaceable and I feel so special. Thank You God for a beautiful body and a pretty intelligent mind.

Thank you God for I hold a power so great, it makes me bow my head to your greatness.

Thank you God for you made me so special when you brought me into the world as a she.

I would love to be born again and again as a ‘She’. Always a She…

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

To the men in our lives – You broke it you fix it!!

THE PAST:

‘Tera qusoor nahin Jaan meri tanhai

Ye rog maine hi khud jaan ko lagaya tha.’

It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault ….I chant like a mantra. It’s very hard to get there this time. Usually all it takes is for you to pout or say the words in a clipped tone or the words…”You are free to do as you wish.”

That is when we leave everything and start doing what you wish…If not, there are plenty of fish in the pond waiting for you to trap them…Don’t believe us; see for yourself. We the girls are always replaceable and each time better than before. If you have one which cannot cook, you will get one who will be an expert at it. If you have one who works for a living, there will always be one who will gladly depend on you for her daily bread. If you have one who is obstinate and does not want to share you with others, there will always be one who will burn the mid night oil and wait for you to come. No matter what you think our fault is, it is always a no compromise zone. Something simply intolerable…From job to friends to pets to careers ….you can take all and trash it down the drain if you wish!

And once again, the fault is all mine!!

THE PRESENT:

'Sun lee jo Khuda ne wo dua tum to nahin ho?

Darwaze pe dastak ki sada tum to nahin ho?'

Dear Love

Yes…No….It’s complicated!! Should I? NOOOO!!! May be I should…I must…It would feel so good to share it with him. That too when he insists…Yeah but I don’t know how to…I really don’t know how…?

And then I took a leap of faith. Closed my eyes and unlocked my heart for you to see. Finally understood….It was not my fault. Not that time, not any time. No failed relationship was my fault for I gave my all.

This one…ours is definitely working. For I can see the way you look at me and assure that you are with me …now and for ever. One look which says it all…I am there for you written all over your gaze.

A leap of faith…which drove away my inner demons for good! A look which addressed my pain and made me believe everything will be all right. Everything will fall in place. Everything will be sorted once and for all. There will be no need to be scared anymore.  The trust I place in you has been well rewarded.

Thank You God!!

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Maatri Shakti – On Navratri

‘Ya Devi Sarvabhuteshu, Shakti Rupen Samsthita

Namastasye Namastasye Namastasye Namo namah

The past, the present and the future…all are bestowed with your loving blessings Maa. You are my best friend, my divine mother, my inspiration.

One childhood memory which stands out was a dream:

I was undergoing troubled teens and I folded my hands in front of you. For days altogether, I kept asking ‘Maa you have created a person for everyone who takes care for them. Tell me who will take care of me all through my life? Who will hold my hand? Who do I look up to in my times of need? Who will guide me when it is too dark for me to see? Who will support me in my times of need?’

Then one night I had a dream. In my dream, I was walking with my friends on a deserted road. You came, gently took my hand and took me to a place high up in the mountains. I repeated my question and all I could get was an all-knowing smile in response. It made no sense to me then.

But when I woke up, I remembered. You were holding my hand all that while.

‘With great power comes great responsibility’ Thank you Maa for I use my power responsibly. I love the control you bestowed on me and the way you personify my faith in myself.

To the beautiful hands which hold all the power in all the worlds put together and yet gently caress the children.

In the darkest times of my life, as I folded my hands in front of you Maa I knew You are holding my hands. I know You are watching over me.  Thank You Maa for being my strength. I in turn, promise you today, I will be there for all in need. I will be their strength. I love You Maa.

Thank you Maa for your hands are my courage: Courage to stay true in the face of all the lies I come across. Courage to be what I truly am, not what I am expected to be. Thank You for the courage to choose my own path and walk on it. Thank You for the courage to dream and follow them all. Thank You Maa for the courage to pick up the pieces and start all over again.

You are all I need to know that I am never alone.

Disclaimer: This one is all true

Lost and found

THE PAST:

Chaq jigar ke see lete hain, jaise bhi ho jee lete hain

Dard mile to seh lete hain, ashq mile to pee lete hain

No one dies of a broken heart…so says the world. But no one can deny that sick feeling in the pit of your tummy either! That feeling which sinks its teeth in you and makes you scream with pain or worse still lie there lifeless as it sucks the vivacity out of you. No one can deny that there are times when even getting out of bed seems like such an effort. An effort you are unwilling to take and so you lie down all day. That feeling which buries you deep and makes it difficult to even breathe!

Oh I know it well. That hanging by the thread and hope that one fine day everything will be bearable, if not now. Those times when friends and family try to convince you that you are really a very strong person and nothing can break you. The times when nothing helps…music, outings, encouraging words, your own achievements and accomplishments…all are lost in the pit of your melancholy. Those times when all your laughs ring hollow and smiles are all fake. The times when you don’t even bother with a flat “I am fine, don’t worry.”

Those uninvited tears which refuse to leave you alone. The times when nothing helps, nothing seems to work. Times when you feel your life and all there is in it is a sham.

Those times when you have to fight the demons and cannot afford to lose.

What happened in my life two months ago was one such time and I can see all my loved ones visibly relaxed now. As if it was a thorn in my feet which has been pulled out now… All that remains is the wound to heal. It’s up to me now to find a way and make it happen. Little do they know, the wound is far from healing. It’s a long way to go and all of it is uphill.

 THE PRESENT:

‘Koi kisi se khush ho aur wo bhi baraha ho Ye baat to galat hai.

Rishta Libas banke maila nahin hua ho, ye baat to galat hai.’

 My Love,’

Of all the things that happen in a relationship, sharing is the best part of it. It means the world to me when we talk to each other about everything under the sun. We argue; we disagree; we get angry with each other…then find something to laugh at. Together as we embark on this journey, there will be times when we will not see eye to eye. At such times, do remember the love we share. Let not the bitterness of any argument even remotely affect our mutual respect. Not to forget the love we share.

Baby I have been through so much and all that happened right in front of your eyes. Thus, the insecurity!

As I try to walk on the path of trust again, there will be times when I stager, fumble or hesitate. I am visibly scared and rightly so.

At times like those, please restore my faith in ourselves. Be gentle, understand, be patient and love will take over everything.

I know you have it in you.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty.