Conversation kills quicker…

Dear God

Sample this:

“Tumhare pas bahut sa free time hai but mere pas nahin. Tum bekar baithi ho isliye tumhe aise khyal aate hain. Tumhe cooking karni chahiye, bagbaani karni chahiye. Tumhe sunrise ke pahle uthna chahiye. Tumhe basketball (!) khelna chahiye…

Agar tumhe marna hi hai to mera kaam karwa ke tab is duniya se jaana”

The operative here is tumhe. You are the guilty party here for feeling what you feel. That too because you have a lot of time at hand. This one makes you feel even more worthless.

This world is full of hypocrites God. The people who ask you to spend all your money on them are the same who advise you to save some for the rainy day. Moreover, they will be the first to bail out on you in times of crisis. When you are willing to share your hard work and the fruits of your labour with them then they are your best friends. The moment you expect even a little help from them, be ready to receive lectures on self sufficiency and enjoying your own company.

“HELP ME” I can’t spell in any more words. The answer I got is silence and a phone which has been switched off now. He trusts time to do his job. When I ask him why; I am being branded as an attention seeker. It is so easy to attack someone’s self esteem when someone is feeling low. The worst thing about all this is, he accepts what random people say about me. Cunning, conceited, disloyal… the words are all wrong. They are so far removed from reality.

Being needy in a world which only caters to wants is dangerous God and expecting someone to be there for you is even more foolish. You know you have to face these demons alone. He is not afraid to lose you, no one actually is. He is ready to let you go for you have come to a point where he can’t take your melodrama (!). In this world where I am unable to even raise my voice, how do I expect to get a solution?

I don’t. I just have to find enough courage to go on and somehow move to a happy place where I feel light and free. So, help me God. I have to get out of this feeling, all on my own.

……..Silence kills

Dear God

The unbelievable news of actor Sushant Singh Rajput’s death hits us like a hurricane. How could he, why did he, lagta nahin tha ki aisa kar sakta hai and all such words just hung in the air. People find it hard to believe that he is gone. They send love, tributes and share stories of his vibrant and positive personality. All this when he is gone.

When a person steps out of their home, it is hard to see the suffering they have been through. People who spent the whole night crying are the ones who laugh the hardest. People going through difficult times are the ones who console lost souls and impart profound wisdom.

Thinking of all those who left untimely… Friends who could not cope with failure in exams or life I miss them all. Still remember the look in her eyes when I had asked “Is anything wrong? Please tell me if it is.” She chose to remain silent and next what came was the news of her untimely demise.

But can we say with surety that they have never tried to reach out for help? I think he would have made countless calls to people who would have picked up the phone and told him things ranging from “I am busy right now, call me back later?” with no follow up call.

“Its ok, happens to everyone once in a while” – generalizing someone’s feelings.

“You are overthinking everything” – By far the worst because it blames you for what you feel.

“Try to pursue hobbies or interests like reading, games, exercise etc. – Depression takes away all your energy and there is no enthusiasm left for anything. So, to actively pursue anything new and failing at it would end up making you feel worse.

At this point when you are depressed, all you want to do is lie low and do nothing. The body simply wants to shut down, mind is too tired to try. Maybe that is what happened.

A few months back when I was going through a difficult time, my sleepless nights included the thoughts of being one of them. Yet all thanks to You, I never contemplated giving up on life. Hopefully, I never will.