When the hurricane hits

Dear God

Thank You for keeping me sane through these crazy times. COVID 19 has gripped the entire earth and is terrorizing us all by its high mortality rate. No one really knows how to battle this unseen monster. All we have known so far is cover, shield and maintain distance. In these difficult times, we also saw so many faces of humanity. Some rose to the occasion like true visionaries and heroes like Sonu Sood sir. Some just took advantage of this as if this crisis too is an opportunity to hoard, loot and selfishly restrict resources to their own limited circle. Corporate Social Responsibility is such a big word and the responsibility attached to it is way bigger now. Our role as a team and as organizations is way larger than what was earlier expected from us.

A very different hurricane hit back home a few months back. We lost a family member. Things after that have been rocky to say the least. It is so hard to bear with this loss for all of us. Yet we all have our own ways to cope.

God I always wonder why we women give so much to a relationship, every relationship. When I was young, I always thought I will always have my own separate existence. I will make my own place in this world and I will make sure whoever is with me knows how much it matters to me. Yet there are times when I enter this world of self-doubt and think was it all worth it? Men are so insecure when it comes to a partner.

The same person who appreciates an independent confident woman would suddenly doubt his wife’s ability to handle things on her own. The same person who will support and encourage his lady friends to have people other than BAE in their lives would be pissed at the number of messages in his significant other’s inbox. The same man who supports and appreciates female colleagues at work will be sceptical about a working wife or better still will make it clear at the time of tying the knot Hum apne ghar ki bahuon se Naukri nahin karwayenge’

I chose to go the other way in life, against the tide. Only time will tell if I was right. Till then, God…I soldier on.

Reflections : Extracts from my personal diary

Dear God 

Gratitude, love , understanding and care all are beautiful things. It has to be a two way street though . Yet we never love the same people back. We take it from someone and pass it on to someone else . Same way we take the hurt, the anger and the resentment and give it to someone who does not have any link with that. The world, the whole world is a victim. All the people are . When is it going to get better- we all think. But we all never do anything to make it better; we never contribute. We just push our anger, our betrayal, our tears, our disappointments back at the world. When in fact, we should just make it right for someone, make it better for somebody in ways big or small.

Life lessons for yours truly…

Dear God

Sample this:

We are in the middle of a conversation discussing personality traits and suddenly this happens:

‘Ek baat puchhu?’ ‘Ab ye mat puchhna ki main tumhare sath hun ya nahin!’

Endless times when we were out of touch for extended periods of time; I asked him this question. It cropped up in many of our conversations and was always an integral part of after fight conversations. Somehow for me, it was always important to have a yes from him. Today when he said this suddenly it dawned ‘If you know, you need not ask. If you ask, somehow you already know the answer.’ It is so wrong to trust someone/anyone with your insecurities and vulnerabilities. On this journey of self-reflection, today I will share my findings with you all.

Chetan Bhagat Sir had known Three mistakes of my life and here I know of these:

a.  Keep your weaknesses to yourself:  The worst possible thing you can do to yourself is sharing your vulnerable side with people. All they do is use them to make you feel worse when you feel bad. Playing to the tune of your insecurities is something so predictable in today’s world. It is akin to bullying normalised.

b. Your secrets are never safe with anyone but yourself: Kisi se mat batana is like cheating on your diet. You know you will end up eating that chocolate cake kept on the table. Remember, just like you trusted someone, this someone in question in turn trusts someone and so on… this is by far the worst chain reaction that you initiate.

c. Never ask anyone else about your personality traits: The opinion in question will always be tainted with their personal experience with you. Remember they can not know your inner thoughts, feelings and experiences. The things you share with people are only tips of icebergs. You and only you will know how your mind and heart works. You have to have faith in your own judgement and perception when it comes to you.

d. When in crowd, play the people pleaser: Mobs are not meant to be a place where you show your insecurities and sob stories. No one is interested in your personal losses and disappointments. If you are feeling sad, hurt, angry or disappointed please keep to yourself.

e. Your smiles are your biggest assets: No matter what is going on in your heart and mind, you have to keep your gaze sharp and your smile intact. Think of it as your nuclear weapon. Indifference to judgemental attitude confuses them and keeps them away from you.

f. Open books are things of the past: Please do not think of being an open book. This age of information overload has ensured that people know you by simply observing. That is why let our personalities be a treasure to be cherished and uncovered little by little. Never reveal it all…

Insane. Am I ….? – The story of a solo trip

Once upon a time in a small city:

‘So you are not coming home?

No, I am planning a solo trip.

WHAT!! WHY?WHEN? I am coming with you…

Please, I have to take this journey alone.

Why? There is absolutely no need and so on and so forth.

He was scared of the possibility and it was evident on his face. His little one, venturing out on her own to a place she has never been before at a time when someone somewhere was getting hitched. Here are her reasons:

1. She is not insane. She is a perfectly mature adult who has the right to go anytime anywhere as she desires. Being on her own only strengthens and empowers.

2. She does not want to listen to how it is not your fault. The fault was all his and he will repent. He will pay for his sins(!) and she will get much better than him. She strictly does not want you to reopen her wounds by saying this or cause any further damage by hurling abuses at her when all else fails.

3. She does not want to look at all the Mr. Eligibels’ profiles dangled in front of her like a bait. Not so soon after she is hurt and is licking her wounds. She is well aware of her biological clock and even then, does not want to be rushed into a decision. She can’t be cornered into making one. She will marry if and only if she finds someone of her choice. But the important thing here is not her finding someone, that someone has to find her.

4. She is in unbearable pain and she is almost doubled up with it. She does not want anyone to see her when she is at her weakest. These last few days of her dying relationship are only for her to bear. She wants to say goodbye in a special way, her way, her very own way. Plus she does not want anyone to have the opportunity to strike this iron while its hot.

5. Why the financial liability – for job security. For helping her carry on with her job She does not want to bother you with her problems. Trust her, this one is on her and if you don’t – not her problem!

6. She wants you to stop fussing over her. She is so far away from everyone right now. Hardly has the will to fight with you or anyone else for that matter. She is doing some things for herself. Neither her reasons, nor her decision is wrong. She is tired, tired, tired. Allow her this respite.

7. No, she is not insane. Not out of her mind… Someone who is planning her every move to the last T is never insane.

Allow her to go on this journey of self-discovery. She will come back when she is ready.

A lot of people may term this as selfish. But she is beyond care now. She knows what she is doing and she will do exactly that. She needs to heal so desperately. She has become a sinking ship which is mustering her last strength to take her ashore. She will emerge better and stronger soon…real soon.

PS: She did…