Tuesday, 20 August 2019

Solitary Confinement

Dear God
निकलना खुल्द से आदम का सुनते आए हैं लेकिन
बहुत बेआबरू होकर तेरे कूचे से हम निकले।
Sample this:
The sound of shattered glass filled the silent night and to my utter horror I saw the window glass of his car break into pieces. No one would believe that what happened was unintentional. I just threw something without caring for where it was landing. It unfortunately landed inside his car and I had to ask him to retrieve it. Needless to say; he was furious. He still is.
But you know what? He deserved it.
I don’t know if this is the last straw. I don’t know if we can overcome this ever. I don’t know if what I did was right or wrong. I don’t know if I we would ever be able to forgive each other. All I know is we have once again drifted apart.
Everything which happened last night is still afresh in my mind. The day was after all extraordinary! In a surprise move of solidarity, I decided to extend the olive branch to my archenemy. I just thought of the long and difficult time I had to spend alone and decided she need not do the same. All was well till the time I decided to honor her invitation and go to her home in the evening. Big mistake!!
I went in good faith and I have come back with a wound so deep, it will never heal. I will never forget the humiliation meted out to me and the way things turned out. I went to show some support and assure her that she is never alone in her struggles. But what I got in return is unexpected and unimaginable cruelty.
I would have silently endured the derogatory and humiliating treatment meted out to me. I would have walked out quietly and once again shed some silent tears in the privacy of my house. Instead I ended up confronting the person in question. My defiance had surfaced, I refused to be treated like this for no fault of mine.
For the first time in my life, I said a loud and clear “No” to something. I raised my voice and had talked back. I fought tooth and nail against the shabby treatment I was being subjected to. I was hurting like hell on the inside and then this happened. I know she enjoyed the show! 
PS: So much for friendship, eh. I was better off alone.

Thursday, 8 August 2019

So much for chivalry!

Dear God

Sample this:

A group of us were recently returning from a short official trip and my house was the farthest. The one who got off last simply asked me to drive to my home and let him know once I reached. Neat arrangement? God, everything was ok with this arrangement except for the fact that it was 2:30 in the night.

As I dropped him home and started braving my journey home, I was having mixed feelings. On one hand I was well aware of the fact that he had driven for more than 200 kms. and was now visibly tired to continue further. On the other, the prospect of hitting the streets alone in the dead of the night for the first time was haunting me. I am a liberated, free thinking person and believe firmly in gender equality. Yet when I chose to drive those last few kms. at that hour, my hands were shaking and prayers were constantly coming out of my lips.

I was really expecting him to call me back and insist to accompany me home. Yet I was feeling bad for him as he would have to double back home when he had already exerted so much. With these mixed feelings I drove on and by Your Grace I reached home. 

I am still confused about whether he did the right thing. He later offered to accompany me on my ride back home but I did not have the heart to say yes. The next time when I confronted him, he said he was only kidding when he asked me to drive home. The joke was on me though. Free thinking women like me are fools God. I risked my life and safety that day.  

To this day I can’t forgive myself for being so stupid. At the same time, I can’t help thinking the men in and around our lives deserve a break. However, with all these issues about women’s safety, I could not help but think “If it was his sister or mother in my place, would he let them do what I did for him?” I already know the answer God. Just because I was not a family member, my security was not a concern for him. One thing is clear in all this dilemma. I have no one but myself to depend and lean on in times of need.

PS: Welcome to Club Expendables…

Friday, 19 July 2019

Truth and Dare

Dear God

Sample this:

‘What happened today still has me reeling from shock. As if those days have returned when he used to threaten me. Today he has delivered someone else’s threat. It is needless to say it’s hers. Gosh the audacity of this woman!’

OK God, confrontation is what they want then confrontation it is! I am in a war zone now and there is no turning back. That was what I was thinking few days back. But that day did not come. For she chose to diffuse the situation by her usual cunning. The confrontation I was waiting for never came.
How I wish someone asked me to clarify the facts instead of weaving tall tales about me! But I don’t think it is going to happen in this lifetime.

I had a tough few months, God. Just when I was able to realign my focus this had to happen. It is all up to me now. I have to prove my mettle in the tasks at hand and just stay out of the clutches of official-looking yet personal in nature outbursts and confrontations.

By the way, the way You chose to teach me the ways of Your world is slightly weird, don’t You think? Why don’t You keep me on a straight no-nonsense path of professional and personal isolation? You have to put me in the line of fire always! Believe me God I would do anything to stay out of the limelight. 

Yet here I am.

They say You chose Your strongest children to endure Your most difficult tests. But frankly, the endurance grid You chose for me is wearing me out now. For once in my life, I want to be ordinary and weak. I have been tried for too long, God. Cut me some slack, please.

PS: I leave it all to You, God. Expose her.

Monday, 8 July 2019

The fair weather friend

Dear God

Sample this:
‘I don’t want to be with you anymore. You are an intensely negative person and you are gradually driving me away from you with your behavior.’

Once again I am to take the blame for a broken relationship. Fair enough, God. I was the one doing all the efforts anyways. The plans, the outings, the dates; the special celebrations everything was chalked out by me. Why not the blame of it not working anymore?

I was such a happy person God. Was I? Really? Nah…I was never a happy person. I felt this constant battle with bad thoughts in my heart and mind and it is a losing battle. I am drowning in this depression thing since I was a child and these days I feel like sinking. I am sinking God and I can’t do anything to stop it. He was my last hope which is now gone for good.

There is hardly any difference between me and a used tissue. I feel the same: filthy, torn and crumpled. God, people who battle depression are really brave. They have an enemy they can’t see. There are times when I wake up with an upbeat mood, do things which are rejuvenating and fun. Then there are days when even getting out of bed takes a lot of effort.

There is sound sleep sometimes and sleepless days I between. I have my writing as a solace and every day I put my words out there hoping they would reach the right person. This social experiment that he chose to do has failed miserably and now he blames me. I accept as usual. The fault is mine. Unless and until I climb out of this hole I will never be able to see the light. Meanwhile, he chose to be with people who are happy and fun to be with. After all, everyone has a right to be happy in life; except me.

He brought me the trap of unconditional love. What the hell does that even mean God? Unconditional love! I’ll tell you what it means? Unconditional love is a rat race. It is a sadistic masochistic phenomenon where you accept the pain of abuse, torture and humiliation all in the name of love. Also cheating, dating others right in front of your very eyes and never accepting your relationship in public. Love has done all this damage in my life all these years. What next?

‘I am leaving you’ has wrecked enough havoc in my life. I wait for the day when even this provocation will stop working. I am waiting for the day when I can say the same to you. I long for one day God when he will understand how and why he has wrecked me. Give him this realization God that he was wrong in coming into a troubled person’s life. Even more wrong when he is choosing to abandon me in my most difficult days. Like everything else, this too shall pass.  I have been through so much then why not one more. I am anyways broken beyond repair. How much more damage can something do?

Sunday, 30 June 2019

Rear Them Right!

Dear God

Picture this:

Beta flying kiss do aunty ko.

In a birthday party of about 50 people, the proud mother was asking her child to demonstrate the ‘flying kiss’ which she found cute! Let me be frank with You, there was nothing cute about it. It is intrusive to say the best. Not to mention it puts unnecessary pressure on the child. Your child is not a toy guys. Occasionally showcasing their talent in appropriate platforms is OK but forcing them to express affection to people they hardly know is downright improper. With so many child molesters lurking around, the least we can do is not encourage behavior the child fails to understand.

Having said this, I was reminded of the various talent shows and the children gyrating to songs like Jalebi Bai or Chikni Chameli. These ‘mini adults’ and their patrons fail to realize they are just children. Even after the age of 18, we were forbidden to behave in a certain way. These children are doing so much at such tender age. Not to mention the long rehearsals and the kind of hard work they have to do. Studies and a sense of normalcy have taken a back seat. Having achieved a celebrity status, it will be really hard for these children to go back to their normal lives.

We cannot deny that giving a platform to under-privileged or differently-abled children is a good way to uplift their moral as well as upgrade their socio-economic status. But for the sake of a few talented children, we are forcing those with normal abilities to push themselves.  If we are subjecting our children to this public eye, we should also back them up with the notion that ‘They don’t have to be super children for us to appreciate them. A normal, healthy, well mannered kid is equally important for us as a talented one.’ A whole life lies ahead of them to join the rat race. Why the rush? Why the urgency? Why the pressure? Let us just let them be. For me as a mother, I would be happy for my child playing with his/her friends in the park. Rather than see them pushing their limits in the spotlight.

Saturday, 29 June 2019

Go, went, gone...

Dear God

He is still in the clutches of that woman and unlikely to be free of it anytime soon. It’s up to me now to either chuck everything and move on with my life. Or be the Meena Kumari and say ‘Wo bhatak gaye hain par ek din zarur wapas aayenge. Mujhe vishwas hai.’ What kind of world have You created God? There is nothing here for honest and transparent people. Today he took away my responsibilities and said ‘You have done nothing so far. It is highly unlikely that you will be able to anytime soon.’ My brainchild is in the hands of someone else now. I tried convincing him not to but in vain. He wants results!

I tried to convince him that this is an automated system. You are not going to get results in here without constantly learning and improving it as we go along. But Mr. Clouded judgement of the year (!) renders me incapable of doing this. What to do God? I handed it over like it was nothing. But my heart is broken at the way he has expended me at the drop of a hat. I never asked anything of him.
Our relationship is at an all time low. I don’t know how, when and if we will be able to recover. I have always been the one to take the blame. But now I forgive myself for being the way I am. This is how I was always supposed to be – alone. I dared try different things and believed a different future. Sorry God. Just for some human interaction I have destroyed myself. All these years I believed the fault is all mine. But now I choose to love myself. I promise You God, from this moment onwards I will stop believing the shit your world pukes about me.

All my life I have tried to change for people who abandoned me anyways. So now, I will stop changing for my sake. I will remain what I am now – love me or leave me. You are going to leave anyways so there is no point. Screw positive thinking. Bring on the dreariness. I am willing to welcome my darkest side with open arms now. Trying my hands at the ‘Being positive’ Shit never works anyways.

Save the people who will confront me now.

Tuesday, 25 June 2019

Miles to go...

Dear God,

A chance meeting with a schoolmate and so many things came rushing back. My school…that one place, which carved my future, made me what I am now. I was such a shy kid and now look at me. Henceforth proven; People change, as I did. From not being able to speak two sentences straight, I have come to the point where I have started addressing crowds at random. I was the shy back bencher all through my school life and now here I am. Facing life head on has taught me one thing very clearly. It is a man’s world and women rule!!

I don’t actually remember the transition but I do remember my determination to face all my demons head on. I have this favourite saying of sorts “If you are afraid of the roller coaster, by all means ride it.” Now, when I look back at the roller coasters I rode, I feel dizzy and exhilarated. Wow!

All these big and small successes and failures are any person’s strongest assets. I remember reading in Laws of Love by Chris Prentiss  ‘Learnings never happened on regular days.  It happens only when you encounter challenging situations.’ My biggest challenge so far has been to love myself. I hate my guts! Inspite of everything, my smile never wavers. My spirit is crushed but with an unlimited ability to resurrect itself.

My sister used to call me ‘The Moral Science Book.’ Overrated, if I may say so myself. I am no such thing but my sense of right and wrong does keep working overtime! Ironically my list of ‘Do’s and Don’ts is for I, me, myself only. Being assertive is a trait I could never master. With my kind of intelligence and compassion, a certain level of detachment is also much needed God. Otherwise a person like me can get completely lost in others’ needs and wants. This distance from the world is a blessing in disguise. Thank You God! For this life and everything that came with it. I love You for bestowing me with such an enriched experience.
PS: Send me some love too! Please!