Friday, 27 December 2019

Newfound friends – it is never too late!

Hi God

Imagine if I was one of those modern bhakts and chose to call You Bhaggu, Gannu bhaiya or any other friendly(!) name. Thank fully I am somewhere in the middle of modernity and tradition. So, for now I call You God.

I have a big hug and a giant thankyou to offer today. For I made some new friends. I know that old friends and old wine are classic but these new friends seem to be long lost sisters to me. They are young, vivacious and so positive in their approach towards everything. With their infectious energy and zeal for life, they soldier on the path of life. Their positivity and love for life is so inspiring.

Thank You God for sending these two angels to me. I Thank You for giving them to me at a time when I needed them so much. We don’t really meet that often and are yet to do things together. But it feels great to get friendly faces in the crowd in gatherings – social or otherwise. We hit it off from the days we just met. These two are the perfect shining example of modern women. Educated, free yet shouldering their responsibilities with ease and style…all with a shining smile on their faces. Their optimism and positivity is infectious to say the least. Complete with a devil may care attitude.

Our company is big on women empowerment these days. With so many new initiatives going on to promote Nari shakti this one was a very welcome side effect. If not for these endeavors I would have failed to know these wonderful people.

About women in our industry, people will always be skeptical of our abilities but we know how to handle them. I love the way we come together and create something so beautiful.

Thank You!

Wednesday, 11 December 2019

Soldier on….!

Soldier on….!
Dear God

अपनी मर्ज़ी से कहाँ अपने सफर के हम हैं, रुख़ हवाओं का जिधर का है ऊधर के हम हैं
चलते रहते हैं कि चलना है मुसाफिर का नसीब, सोचते रहते हैं किस रहगुज़र के हम हैं

I take my words back. I had the most amazing birthday ever, well spent with my dearest friend. Seeing her kid made me wonder once again…am I ever going to have a kid of my own? Don’t know but what I do know is my kid is going to have challenges of her own. No, they would not be limited to which candy or what games to play? His/her struggle will be survival. I am scared of the world that I live in now.

With the recent events of country wide horrifying incidents of rape and killings, I am scared to think of the world my next generation will face. Preparing them for this battle is so much more than telling them ‘Good touch, bad touch.’ No measure seems enough!

Moving on, my crisis seems averted now. Thank You! Literally I have only You to thank. You in the form of my parents, siblings and well wishers whose untiring efforts have made me reach this far.
God change is inevitable in life. I thank You for the strength to accept come what may with open arms and an open mind.

It is hard to accept the recent setbacks I encountered but given time and space, anything is possible. Just like challenging the stereotypes I come across on a daily basis. I am lucky to see the changing face of my industry when it comes to women empowerment and gender equality. We still have a long way to go! Some voices are being heard but others still wait.

I pray to You to make those voices speak up and make people listen. Let the world be more open, more accepting and accommodating to women – working or otherwise.

Saturday, 23 November 2019

For a few more years or eternity….

Dear God
तुम नया जख्म लगाओ तुम्हें इससे क्या है
भरने वाले हैं अभी जख्म पुराने कितने
I am so angry with You today, yes You… As the birthday week approaches, people look forward to gifts, surprises and get-togethers. Me? I am looking forward to the some more brutality and pain. Yes pain!

I asked for one day, just one when someone takes care of me. I just wanted to smile on my birthday. This is what You planned for me? This is worse than solitary confinement, God. What have I done wrong? Self-dependence and a caring relationship with my loved ones. That is all I wanted in life. Everyone asks me to focus on what I have instead of what I lost. But then today of all days, I just can’t do that. I am missing out on the opportunity of having a normal day, let alone a wonderful one.

Why did You have to do this to me? Tell me. Show me the way. Help me walk. Guide me to the right path. God please. Your silence is killing me!! If I am a bad person then You shouldn’t have let me lose in the world. I am damaging everything.

You knew how shattered I was. I needed to heal and You keep on inflicting fresh wounds. Give me a chance to heal God. Please.

If I say anything to him, pat comes the reply “I will leave you if you want.” If I say anything to my family, they just dig the skeletons in my closet and let them loose for the world to see. If I say anything to my friends…By the way you call these backstabbers my friends…really?

Why do You have to be like this to me? I remember my childhood days when I used to repeatedly ask You ‘Have you created anyone who loves me? Have You created one, just one person who cares?’ I have not received any answers so far. I may sound like an ungrateful person God. But the truth is the glass is half full and I am thirsty.

I need to survive this God. I have to keep the hopes and the faith of all single women alive. But right now I really want to throw in the towel and give up. I am so done!!

Tuesday, 19 November 2019

Walk Alone V

Dear God

Sample this:
Bhagwan tumhein aaina zarur dikhayega. Tumhara kiya tumhare aage zarur aayega. Tumhare karmon ka fal hai tumhari zindagi. Kisi aur se khud ki tulna karne se pahle soch lo. Wo jo hai tum kabhi nahi ho sakti. Tumhare andar koi atm samman nahin hai. Warna us ladki ke pas tum jati hi kyu jisse tumne har rishta khatm kar diya. 

Hmm…So extending the olive branch to her was a huge mistake. I shouldn’t have done that no matter what her condition was. I am such a fool. Hai na? I knew even at that time that I was committing the biggest possible mistake in my life. Now when he says all this, I am simply reminded of my own prophetic words at that time. Aap hi mujhe bhej rahe hain aur kal ko aap hi kahenge ki main us ke aage jhuk gayi hun. Uski position aur power se dar gayi hun.  

God I am so pissed off with your world right now. I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore. But as I said earlier “I ain’t no quitter!” So I decided that I will do it all. I will fight this feeling of worthlessness and loneliness. I will keep my head high in the midst of all the accusations. I will cut further off from the world – your world and your society.

Mum was here recently and I just marvelled at the level of communication we share. She was open, honest and understanding. I recall my early childhood and wonder why I could not have this same understanding in all those years…maybe because I was not an adult then. Or maybe because she knew she had some influence on me back then. We all dream of our children to be independent in life. But when we execute our independence, parents have a hard time accepting our opinions, decisions and judgement.

Fast forward to yesterday, a day well spent in the company of my one and only. I love the way I struggled to accomplish one of our common targets. I failed but nevertheless I tried. Going down without a fight is something I never wanted. Thankyou for giving me this opportunity to redeem myself.

He was the one lecturing me about self-respect and dignity. Now he is the one who is compromising with his pride, dignity, self-respect and worth for achieving success. The means never justify the ends God. No, they don’t!!

Thankyou for whatever I achieved in life, I achieved out of luck, hard work, dedication and vision. Thank You that I was always on the right path. Thank You for always keeping me safe.
Love him the way You loved me all these years, protect him the way You protected and sheltered me. Keep him safe and sound God. Even if he choses to go astray, lead him back to the right path.
PS: Let him know I am always there.

Tuesday, 12 November 2019

An open letter to the gossip mongrels aka Priti

Dear God

Sample this:
It is a Tuesday and I was with You for my bi-weekly penance. As I finished the day bestowed with Your bliss and filled with Your blessings, I get this “Bahr halla hai ki tumhara affair hai office me tumhare. Aur tumhari shadi hone wali hai.” This coming from none other than the one – The One God! My one and only…

When I said it was not true he was ready with the shocker of my life. Priti said it so it has to be true. Priti…His friend from the market. Imagine my shock and horror that one random person from the outside was saying random supposedly harmless gossip about me and he chose to believe it. The one person who should have been my unconditional support and defend says ‘kuchh na kuchh to hoga hi, aise kaise usne bol diya. Usne kaha hai to sach hi hoga.’

So now dearest Priti a few words for you and to all the happily married girls out there. Just because I look alone to you does not mean I am characterless and unprincipled. I have a reason for not being married and it is personal. I may be willing to share the reason with people if and when I am ready to. Till then please just keep your speculations to yourself. You have no idea how a few random words from your mouth have harmed my reputation and image.

If you had seen or paid attention to me, you would never say those words. Did you notice I am always alone when out? Do you know anything about my non-existent social life? Did you notice how I steadily and vehemently refuse any offer to help? Did you notice on the day of Dhanteras I was walking all by myself laiden with all the stuff I bought. If in fact, I was in a relationship wouldn’t he/ she at least offer me a ride?

You know nothing about my life and yet you said those painful things. You have no idea about the impact of your words. You haven’t even met me face to face…like ever. How could you just throw me to the dogs without feeling the pain for my tearing skin and broken bones.

Here I was happy in my own cocoon. I used to think if I am faithful to my cause and true to my self no harm can come to me. But people like you destroy me with just a few words.

Parting shots: I have no one in my life like that. I am unlikely to get married sooner or later. Think of a harmless innocent person whose reputation you are damaging before you indulge in baseless rumor and gossip. I have never crossed your path or wronged you in any way. So please keep your opinion about me to yourself or else if you dare, say it to my face.

Tuesday, 29 October 2019

In a man's world

Dear God

Gender discrimination is a slow poison and a silent killer too! These days when I am single-handedly conducting some programs and have been a part of so many new initiatives, the fingers which were raised in doubts about my ability now point towards my faults at the way I fulfill my official commitments. People who voiced their opinions about how I am just not good enough have now started saying I am ‘too good to be true.’ May be God!

I am enjoying this phase when I confront my fear of failures and try not to burden others with sharing my responsibilities. I am alone and I need no one to support my initiatives. Yes, this success is all mine and whatever small failures and setbacks I encounter are also mine.  

I have been accused of being a ‘one-person army’ quite a few times in the past too. I have tried to involve people but somehow failed to show that I truly need them to execute things. Actually, I don’t! My vision is clear and involving others simply dilutes it. I work best when I am all by myself. Now when once again my light has started shining bright, people blinded by my success have started  accusing me of being autocratic. 

When I take a look around myself, I find everyone is performing their own respective jobs without consulting anyone apart from the seniors. I do the same. People have started pointing out ‘Look there is a person doing full justice to the responsibilities given. Oh wait, she is a woman. Now how did this happen? Why doesn’t she ask someone for help? Why doesn’t she collapse from the workload? Why doesn’t she ever complaint about the number of hours she is putting in?
She won’t!

I tell you she is the toughest of the lot. So good luck to you guys for attempting to bring her down. It won’t work though. It was never meant to.

The only thing that worked towards my failure is my relationship. Rock and rolls all the way, it has now started on the decline phase. A phase where he hates my guts. When he insists on keeping it professional and distant. A phase where the light shines anew on all my vices. That is my only failure.

Even then I am the toughest nut to crack.

Sunday, 20 October 2019

Rejected Piece

Dear God
I have no words to express what I am feeling today. I am dejected, forlorn and feeling kind of ‘not good enough’. ‘Not good enough’ is a phrase which keeps cropping up in my life time and again. Today this term was sprung upon me when we were discussing the possibilities of me being taken advantage of/ any possibility of men trying to make unwelcome advances. What he said should have come as a relief. But it came as a shocker instead. He said ‘There is hardly any possibility of you being treated that way. You just don’t look good enough.’
Not good enough – has been paying in my mind like a loop since that time. In this alarming time when women well into their 90s or children as young as 3 months are not being spared – he said these words to me. So now I can truly feel free. I can go out on the street in the middle of the night without any fear because in his opinion – I am not good enough. I can work late and I can leave the door of my home unlocked throughout the night. For no one would bother to touch me. I am just not good enough.
For some reason I am reminded of the leering gestures I have avoided throughout my life and all the advances I thwarted. Suddenly they seem like wishful thinking on my part. For in his opinion, I am just not good enough!
Now I feel the way victims of sexual assault must do. They must have thought “Who would believe my story?” Like who would believe that a person like me has been in a relationship? Or that a person like me could somehow secure a loving and caring partner for I am just ‘not good enough’. Is that why I have avoided meeting prospects for an arranged marriage? For I knew I am liable to get rejected on account of being ‘not good enough’?
I went on stage yesterday. In fact. I go up on stage very frequently. I love anchoring, hosting and public speaking. Should I just refrain from doing that now? For I am not a pretty face. I have a zit right in the middle of it. I have tanning, body hair and a repulsive figure. How dare I take centre stage? I am just not good enough!!