Dear God
One call, one decision, one trip
and then this silence from his end. Experience of a lifetime but apprehensions
regarding the future. The year started on a very disturbing note when he called
and I once again launched a tirade about how we cannot be together anymore. It’s
actually exhausting to stay away, then come close and then again having to move
away from him. Retreating with my love, care, concern and my ardent desire of
being with him.
Of all the people that you could
have given me, how come I have this stubborn bu**head? God my stories have
never had happy endings and yet I continued believing them. What do I do? How
do I contemplate the end? How to cope with always feeling the end is near and
yet getting closer than ever before?
O God!!! Sometimes I feel a clean
cut would be so much better and I would finally heal. Sometimes I think it is
not my fault and I deserve to live whichever way I want. Sometimes my mind
revolts at the shear unfairness of it all. Sometimes I doubt if at all he had
love in his heart!
Sometimes my heart formulates elaborate
schemes to win his love and other times it drowns itself in the depths of
depression.
One thing is sure though and
always will be. MY life has no place for a half-life and neither for a socially
questionable relationship. Whoever has me has to hold my hands and walk besides
me publicly.
It took me all I had to take this
trip on my own. I almost jumped down from the train or retreated from the
airport/ took the return flight to rush back home… And yet here I was.
I got a lot of flake for giving priority
to myself instead of being home for some family emergency. But in my defence
that the emergency did not happen unless and until I had already booked
everything. Moreover, it was dealt already when I planned this.
Meeting Anku was one of the landmarks
in my life and the most wonderful way to start my year!
Looking forward to something more
soon…
PS: Its hard to think of oneself,
loving myself is an uphill task but I am doing well
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