Calm down…. Or not!!

 

Dear God

Sample this:

Mujhe samajhne wali ladki Upar wala de dega

Tum meri life se nikal gayi ho yay u kaho nikal diya hai tumhe

Tum hi gale padi thi

Tum us layak hi nahin ki koi tumse shadi kar le

Mere gale mat pado

Jara bhi sharm bachi ho tumhare andar to baat mat karna ab mujhse

Last night was difficult to say the least. Once again, he hurled these insults my way and I chose to maintain my distance from him as I had very wisely done last week after that huge fight.  What was that fight about? He was here and refused to meet me and then proceeded to not answer my calls for hours on end. Then when I called out for his attitude I was on the receiving end of

‘Agar tumhe lagta hai main tumhe torture karta hoon to main tumhe free kar raha

And after the stoic silence for a whole week

Main next month marriage karne ja raha

And all this yesterday night because I lost my cool at him. Why do I claim to love this man if I hurl the choicest insults his way? Is he that bad? Or I am the bitch here? Well God!!

Just like he claims I am unlovable I claim that he keeps hiding his life from me like he has something to hide always. Many nights his phone is engaged quite late in the night and he has no explanation other than network. For weekends he constantly goes AWOL and gives vague responses if I try to meet up or plan something. And the future… He knows we have no future yet refuses to let me foray on a path of my own. His words say ‘You move on’ Yet when I try, he goes to the extent of reprimanding me for choosing to have dinner with friends. Before him, I had no friends… Now I have some but they are all far….

I have always had a minimal social life but with him also its difficult to make plans. He chooses to keep his life in such wraps. He takes and post mortems my phone time and again. Yet he never gave him his to even click a picture… He is positively jumping if and when I have his cellphone in my hands even for a brief period of time. He claims he is not using social media yet shares stories from FB, Insta or twitter with heavily edited screenshots.

There were days when I trusted what he said. Yet I found him lying to me at the drop of a hat. I saw him rather caught him red handed in places he had no business being… With a woman I deeply loath to this day. He talks to women late at night and claims to be a universal problem solver. Yet somehow each of these women seem to fall in love with him and be crazy for him and chase him consistently. He has promised to maintain his distance many times in life yet he has been the one to initiate contact sometimes on the pretext of some professional reason, help or just plain old well wisher’s welfare check for me.

He says I am going to my hometown and asks me to take him to the airport. Yet catches a flight to someplace else. When the guilt is too much he confesses but does not want to be confronted. Openly claims to be my fiancée to all the people he meets in my circle – professional and personal both. Yet in his circles no one knows me. BTW we move in the same circles so from my end they know he is my fiancée and from his end they know he is single and looking for a homemaker wife… Pretty messed up, na?

He claims he wants me to move on and be happy in my life yet ends up at my weekend getaway to take me back home. He starts missing me as long as I am not there and yet claiming he never wants to connect with me again. If I take his word and start looking for a life partner, I will have to subject myself to an endless torture of ‘Comeback please’ or ‘Be happy always’. He is not one to give up his playthings easily. Even if I am married, he will want to keep in touch (!) and be the so-called agony aunt in my life. Seeing him makes me want to just hide myself in his embrace and forget everything. It has been my safe space for so long. I am willing to sacrifice our love for his commitment to his family values. Yet he wants me to give up mine and choose a life detrimental to my reputation and my mental peace.

All I asked for is a graceful goodbye and all I get is the choicest insults. The worst thing in all this is ‘He asked me to wait for him for all these years and now he is asking me to give up…. Now?? After all those wasted years of my youth and prime.’ He ridicules me for my looks and age when half the creases come from the sleepless nights he gifted me. The other half on his ridicules on my knowledge, looks, efforts for dressing up and self-improvement projects and the fact that nothing seems to work when it comes to him.

The fact that when I try to give up on him, he holds my hands tight and makes me come back. Yet when I ease into the comfort of being with him, he outright declares that I was alone and all this love and togetherness was just in my head. All he was doing was being a friend (!). His friendship makes me question what I know about friendship so far.

He invalidates my feelings, overlooks my efforts and yet when I want to gracefully ease out from his life he will be all

You have done a lot for me. I will never forget you.

My better judgement screams at me to walk away from this hell. Eventually he is going to say ‘No one asked you to stay’ Yet I wait for him to move on in his life. Sometimes I want to take some strong steps to throw him out of my life and keep him there. Yet when I remember he has been betrayed before like that, my heart goes out to him. I wanted to be a comfort in his life yet he claims I am a thorn!

Am I that bad, God? Am I actually unlovable? Do I not deserve what I asked for? Once again, I ask all these questions and they remain unanswered… as they have been from years and years of my life. Even if I believe the best of me, I am having a really hard time believing something best for me will eventually happen.

And then when someone asks me to calm down…… the turmoil within soars higher and screams ‘Hell No!!’