Moving in circles

 

Dear God

Sample this:

‘Congratulations on your court marriage!’

Groggy with sleep, I gently shifted Winky* and picked up the phone under the pillow to find this shocking piece of gossip. First things first: I am not married. Second this is the same person who yesterday promised to stay out of touch and maintain distance. Breakups are hard on people and no one else knows this more than me. I got to know firsthand how much I wanted to stay in touch with people I left behind or vice versa. But my mind and heart longed for a more wholesome and equal relationship.

If the person in question cannot give me that, there is no reason why I should continue this relationship. Now he may question my ability to thrive alone or reserve his apprehensions of a girl single in the city. But that would be MY PROBLEM. 

I have every right to give time to myself and think of a world where I am someone’s choice not an option. Its been years of wait with no fruitful result in sight. He just barges in and out of my life as he pleases. The thing is that now when I try to close the doors from inside he wants the master key.

He has somehow forgotten that my life is not a train for him where he can reserve a coup for life. Any relationship has to have two sides otherwise what is the point?

One day he promises me that he will drift apart gracefully because I deserve the right to move on. The other he tries to convey cryptic messages through sending and deleting or drunk dialing! If I let him back in my life now, it will be the same endless wait, the same busy weekends and the same coaxing and cajoling and brow beating for something as simple as sharing a cup of coffee in the evening.

I had been maintaining my distance and giving him space even though I missed him like hell. But this! This accusatory tone, this blaming me for having moved on, this gossipy piece … I don’t miss. Whatever happened to graceful goodbyes God?

It is super hard for me to find someone in this world of yours and I just want to give up. I am better off alone than be with someone who makes it so hard to be with him. I need not punish myself for falling in love with someone who does not know what love is… His warped ideas, his distance, his crass attitude and his constant blaming my attitude for all our problems is now getting on my nerves. I need some semblance of peace in my life God.

But when I try that he comes back with his promises and I fall prey to his charms once again. He makes me second guess every single bad thought I have had, his lack of commitment and our uncertain future. Many times, he said it out loud that we have no future. Yet he does not let go of me in the present. I need to spend some time alone before I can heal and maybe…. just maybe give a chance to someone. Yet I can’t promise that I will move on for good. Deep inside he knows if he calls I'll come back like a lovesick puppy. Why God? You gave me no sense of self-preservation when it comes to this person. I know this circle will sickeningly continue for You only know how many more years to come…

*Winky is my pet dog