For a few more years or eternity….

Dear God

तुम नया जख्म लगाओ तुम्हें इससे क्या है

भरने वाले हैं अभी जख्म पुराने कितने

I am so angry with You today, yes You… As the birthday week approaches, people look forward to gifts, surprises and get-togethers. Me? I am looking forward to the some more brutality and pain. Yes pain!

I asked for one day, just one when someone takes care of me. I just wanted to smile on my birthday. This is what You planned for me? This is worse than solitary confinement, God. What have I done wrong? Self-dependence and a caring relationship with my loved ones. That is all I wanted in life. Everyone asks me to focus on what I have instead of what I lost. But then today of all days, I just can’t do that. I am missing out on the opportunity of having a normal day, let alone a wonderful one.

Why did You have to do this to me? Tell me. Show me the way. Help me walk. Guide me to the right path. God please. Your silence is killing me!! If I am a bad person then You shouldn’t have let me lose in the world. I am damaging everything.

You knew how shattered I was. I needed to heal and You keep on inflicting fresh wounds. Give me a chance to heal God. Please.

If I say anything to him, pat comes the reply “I will leave you if you want.” If I say anything to my family, they just dig the skeletons in my closet and let them loose for the world to see. If I say anything to my friends…By the way you call these backstabbers my friends…really?

Why do You have to be like this to me? I remember my childhood days when I used to repeatedly ask You ‘Have you created anyone who loves me? Have You created one, just one person who cares?’ I have not received any answers so far. I may sound like an ungrateful person God. But the truth is the glass is half full and I am thirsty.

I need to survive this God. I have to keep the hopes and the faith of all single women alive. But right now I really want to throw in the towel and give up. I am so done!!

Walk Alone V

Dear God

Sample this:

Bhagwan tumhein aaina zarur dikhayega. Tumhara kiya tumhare aage zarur aayega. Tumhare karmon ka fal hai tumhari zindagi. Kisi aur se khud ki tulna karne se pahle soch lo. Wo jo hai tum kabhi nahi ho sakti. Tumhare andar koi atm samman nahin hai. Warna us ladki ke pas tum jati hi kyu jisse tumne har rishta khatm kar diya. 

Hmm…So extending the olive branch to her was a huge mistake. I shouldn’t have done that no matter what her condition was. I am such a fool. Hai na? I knew even at that time that I was committing the biggest possible mistake in my life. Now when he says all this, I am simply reminded of my own prophetic words at that time. Aap hi mujhe bhej rahe hain aur kal ko aap hi kahenge ki main us ke aage jhuk gayi hun. Uski position aur power se dar gayi hun.  

God I am so pissed off with your world right now. I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore. But as I said earlier “I ain’t no quitter!” So I decided that I will do it all. I will fight this feeling of worthlessness and loneliness. I will keep my head high in the midst of all the accusations. I will cut further off from the world – your world and your society.

Mum was here recently and I just marvelled at the level of communication we share. She was open, honest and understanding. I recall my early childhood and wonder why I could not have this same understanding in all those years…maybe because I was not an adult then. Or maybe because she knew she had some influence on me back then. We all dream of our children to be independent in life. But when we execute our independence, parents have a hard time accepting our opinions, decisions and judgement.

Fast forward to yesterday, a day well spent in the company of my one and only. I love the way I struggled to accomplish one of our common targets. I failed but nevertheless I tried. Going down without a fight is something I never wanted. Thankyou for giving me this opportunity to redeem myself.

He was the one lecturing me about self-respect and dignity. Now he is the one who is compromising with his pride, dignity, self-respect and worth for achieving success. The means never justify the ends God. No, they don’t!!

Thankyou for whatever I achieved in life, I achieved out of luck, hard work, dedication and vision. Thank You that I was always on the right path. Thank You for always keeping me safe.

Love him the way You loved me all these years, protect him the way You protected and sheltered me. Keep him safe and sound God. Even if he choses to go astray, lead him back to the right path.

PS: Let him know I am always there.

An open letter to the gossip mongrels aka Priti

Dear God

Sample this:

It is a Tuesday and I was with You for my bi-weekly penance. As I finished the day bestowed with Your bliss and filled with Your blessings, I get this “Bahr halla hai ki tumhara affair hai office me tumhare. Aur tumhari shadi hone wali hai.” This coming from none other than the one – The One God! My one and only…

When I said it was not true he was ready with the shocker of my life. Priti said it so it has to be true. Priti…His friend from the market. Imagine my shock and horror that one random person from the outside was saying random supposedly harmless gossip about me and he chose to believe it. The one person who should have been my unconditional support and defend says ‘kuchh na kuchh to hoga hi, aise kaise usne bol diya. Usne kaha hai to sach hi hoga.’

So now dearest Priti a few words for you and to all the happily married girls out there. Just because I look alone to you does not mean I am characterless and unprincipled. I have a reason for not being married and it is personal. I may be willing to share the reason with people if and when I am ready to. Till then please just keep your speculations to yourself. You have no idea how a few random words from your mouth have harmed my reputation and image.

If you had seen or paid attention to me, you would never say those words. Did you notice I am always alone when out? Do you know anything about my non-existent social life? Did you notice how I steadily and vehemently refuse any offer to help? Did you notice on the day of Dhanteras I was walking all by myself laiden with all the stuff I bought. If in fact, I was in a relationship wouldn’t he/ she at least offer me a ride?

You know nothing about my life and yet you said those painful things. You have no idea about the impact of your words. You haven’t even met me face to face…like ever. How could you just throw me to the dogs without feeling the pain for my tearing skin and broken bones.

Here I was happy in my own cocoon. I used to think if I am faithful to my cause and true to my self no harm can come to me. But people like you destroy me with just a few words.

Parting shots: I have no one in my life like that. I am unlikely to get married sooner or later. Think of a harmless innocent person whose reputation you are damaging before you indulge in baseless rumor and gossip. I have never crossed your path or wronged you in any way. So please keep your opinion about me to yourself or else if you dare, say it to my face.