THE PAST:
इश्क ने ग़ालिब निकम्मा कर दिया
वरना हम भी आदमी थे काम के
The holy grail
of matrimony deceives me so far. Or maybe I am the one doing the deceiving. It
is easy, they say. It is effortless,
they tell me. The past does not matter, they insist. It will happen, they
state. You will be comfortable, they promise. You will be taken care of, they
try.
But to no avail.
The sceptic in me has not given up so far. With my kind of experiences, I would
not know how and to whom I will be able to say ‘Yes’. One thing is for sure,
compelling hasn’t worked. Painting gory pictures of the future also did not
work. In a fit of rage my close ones resorted to calling me names. That also
didn’t earn anything but mockery from my side.
All attempts to
parade me in front of prospects and vice versa have failed so far. What do you
want? My insides churn at this thought.
The fact is I am
too scared to put all my life in someone’s hands. Sharing is not a problem but
when I see people giving up so much to keep it intact, I get scared. All the
adversities and everyday troubles of married life scare me. Also the
possibility of being deceived again haunts me. What will I do if I discover the
stack of love letters in the attic or a plethora of messages hidden behind that
password! Or maybe years of marriage and a couple of kids later, we may decide
to part ways. How will I cope with that? Not having anything is so much better
than having and losing. My heart tells me that.
What do I want,
really? ‘Acceptance’ the heart whispers. ‘You wish’ the brain scolds. It’s a
‘no’…end of story.
THE PRESENT:
दिल से तेरी निगाह जिगर तक उतर गई
दोनों को इक अदा में रजामंद कर गई
Saying yes was
never a problem to me. I said yes to everything which came into my life. The
problem is on the other side. The problem is with the people who were willing,
in fact, more than willing to be with me only for the happy and fun part. They
dread the part where I am so not at my best and completely avoid the one where
they are told to make a decision. Keeping me hanging seems to be the way to be.
If pestered much, this particular breed prefers to parade my past mistakes in
front of me in an attempt to shut me up. It works! Really!
When I see it
from their eyes, even I start feeling I do not deserve the happy ending I wish
for. No Chance! What was your point again? Why do I allow people in my life
when they are like this.Well I happen to like some human interaction. Also I
have an inherent and incurable belief that not all people are bad. One of these
days, I am bound to have my fairy tale ending.
All those who
left me crave for the absolute commitment I had for them. They are amazed at
the cold shoulder now. But calling me fleeting will not solve it. It was you,
not me… remember! You were the one who chose to walk out so do not be offended
if I shut the door to your face. I will not only shut it but lock it with a
firm hand too.
Disclaimer: The
story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For
as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same
time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty.
Credits: All shayaris used in this article are couplets by
Mirza Ghalib.
