The unsuitable girl

THE PAST:

इश्क ने ग़ालिब निकम्मा कर दिया

वरना हम भी आदमी थे काम के

The holy grail of matrimony deceives me so far. Or maybe I am the one doing the deceiving. It is easy, they say. It is effortless, they tell me. The past does not matter, they insist. It will happen, they state. You will be comfortable, they promise. You will be taken care of, they try.

But to no avail. The sceptic in me has not given up so far. With my kind of experiences, I would not know how and to whom I will be able to say ‘Yes’. One thing is for sure, compelling hasn’t worked. Painting gory pictures of the future also did not work. In a fit of rage my close ones resorted to calling me names. That also didn’t earn anything but mockery from my side.

All attempts to parade me in front of prospects and vice versa have failed so far. What do you want? My insides churn at this thought.

The fact is I am too scared to put all my life in someone’s hands. Sharing is not a problem but when I see people giving up so much to keep it intact, I get scared. All the adversities and everyday troubles of married life scare me. Also the possibility of being deceived again haunts me. What will I do if I discover the stack of love letters in the attic or a plethora of messages hidden behind that password! Or maybe years of marriage and a couple of kids later, we may decide to part ways. How will I cope with that? Not having anything is so much better than having and losing. My heart tells me that. 

What do I want, really? ‘Acceptance’ the heart whispers. ‘You wish’ the brain scolds. It’s a ‘no’…end of story.

THE PRESENT:

दिल से तेरी निगाह जिगर तक उतर गई

दोनों को इक अदा में रजामंद कर गई

Saying yes was never a problem to me. I said yes to everything which came into my life. The problem is on the other side. The problem is with the people who were willing, in fact, more than willing to be with me only for the happy and fun part. They dread the part where I am so not at my best and completely avoid the one where they are told to make a decision. Keeping me hanging seems to be the way to be. If pestered much, this particular breed prefers to parade my past mistakes in front of me in an attempt to shut me up. It works! Really!

When I see it from their eyes, even I start feeling I do not deserve the happy ending I wish for. No Chance! What was your point again? Why do I allow people in my life when they are like this.Well I happen to like some human interaction. Also I have an inherent and incurable belief that not all people are bad. One of these days, I am bound to have my fairy tale ending.

All those who left me crave for the absolute commitment I had for them. They are amazed at the cold shoulder now. But calling me fleeting will not solve it. It was you, not me… remember! You were the one who chose to walk out so do not be offended if I shut the door to your face. I will not only shut it but lock it with a firm hand too.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

 Credits: All shayaris used in this article are couplets by Mirza Ghalib.