The year that was...

A new year; a new person and the same old woes. This year I expected a change and yet here I am. As another ending looms large, I am forced to ask this question again; "Why me; God?" When I started, I had expected a happy beginning for me. I thought I was capable of bringing a change in so many lives; why not bring one in mine. I thought I had a secure and beautiful relationship which will soon culminate into something permanent. Alas!! No such luck.

The only thing permanent in my life is change. From one everlasting oath to another…It has been a long and tiring journey.  I start with a fresh set of courage and it always ends at me believing the worst of me. I wish for this to stop, yet find myself powerless to do so.

God; You have seen it all. Tell me why all the outcomes are so different. I hold so much of love for someone and yet I can’t have him. On top of that, he accuses me of a million things…deceit, cheating, back stabbing and immorality. What has happened to your world God? Honesty, loyalty, truthfulness and love…nothing seems to work. All around me I see people falling in love with the packaging…not pausing to check the stuff within.

Yet my heart refuses point blank to comply. Things would be so easy for me, if only I could shut up my conscience. I know what you have in store for me. I had been sentenced a while back, now only the execution remains. As the love in his heart takes a few dying breaths, I plead once again to you. Stop sending half-hearted commitments in my life which cannot be fulfilled. Please God, give it a rest. This year, I give up on love altogether. Please at least let me enjoy my isolation in peace.  

Amen

Emotional Fool

Hi people

Scene 1: Yesterday morning persistent loud cries disturbed my morning reverie. A little pup was crying out loud for help. I, being an emotional fool rose up to my reputation...picked up the bike and went to check. I found a little pup stuck in a drain, injured and shivering with cold. I picked him up and carried it all the way home. Washed, cleaned and fed the pup and gave him a carton as a parting gift. When I left the pup, he was sound asleep in the carton happily. It felt great..When I came back to check on it, he lashed back at me.

Scene 2 : A stray dog was looking hungrily at the boiled eggs at a roadside stall. I stopped my car, bought some and fed it. The look it gave me made me resolve that I will always stop to help. Then it growled as it ate the last morsels. 

Scene 3 : A teenager who hurt himself was crying out loud for his mother. While he waited, I gave him some water to drink and waited with him. She came and I left him with her. Then I came to know the teenager was a drug addict and it was a self inflicted injury. 

I am an emotional fool. It took a while for me to realize this. The pattern of toxic relationships that I have had says so much about me. I have been ignoring this for way too long. I fall easily for a cry for help, a tear or just a sad face. Help is always extended, no matter what. I am the one who gives lifts to strangers, is generous with her time and money and falls in love so selflessly. I keep on forgetting myself. 

My birthday this year taught me so many things. I wanted to be with someone but I was alone. I could have been with some people had I not declined their invitation. I was waiting for something which never happened. It was a futile effort. The love I have in my heart is not only abandoned and doomed...but ignored and trashed. As the love of my life hurled insults at me, I shed silent tears like the helpless person I am. 

Why am I so helpless God? What makes me so? Why is it so important to put him on top priority? Why is it OK for him to say he wants to be with someone else and that I do not deserve his company?? On top of that, why was I so happy when he came back. He spoiled everything for me on my special day and then he was back as if all of that never happened. 

When I was a child, birthdays used to be a joyful affair. My Bua used to arrange everything for me. The cake, the dress, the party and that photograph. It is a beautiful coincidence that my brother shares my birthday. No, he is not my twin, a couple of years younger. When I lost her, I somehow lost everything. I am 34 now yet I become the same 5 years old on my birthday. I still expect someone...anyone to arrange the cards, the gifts, the party..and that photograph. One photograph where I stand side my side with my brother once again. 

The Undomestic Goddess : A Review

Hi readers

Having a voracious appetite to read teaches you many things. Escape was one of them when I picked up this book 'The Undomestic Godess by Sophie Kinsella.' This one is a wonderful case study for work life balance, work related stress and career crossroads.

The story line is basically this:

A high flying lawyer in London suddenly finds herself in a 50,000 pounds pickle when she thinks she messed up a client' s debt claim. This is the first mistake she made in years and she is so dazed by it that she boards a train and goes out of London where she lands a housekeeper's job by mistake. This is one mistake she hardly regrets. This is the story of two careers, two mistakes, two ways of life and two choices.

There is something very wrong about companies who don't allow you your personal space, me time, family time and expect you to take every situation as an emergency. How can you just live like that? Also one mistake and you lose years of work - great work that you did for them, How?

Shady top management with their own hidden agenda used her to manipulate the situation. On top of that, they made her believe it was her mistake. It made me wonder how many such people there are who would have been sacrificed like this - their hard work gone. Many times, they succeed. In this one they failed but mind you, this is just a story.

Then she lands up the housekeeper's job. For the first time in life, she knows what it is to have a life. She discovers the joys of leisure and free weekends. She unfolds the mystery of the world beyond the blackberry.

This book taught me an important lesson: Your job is important but not more than your life. You can do anything, be anything and go anywhere as long as you have faith in yourself. Also that at any point in your life, you can start all over again.