Broken beyond repair

Dear God

Sample this:

Accha hua ki tumhari shadi nahin hui. Kisi ki life kharab hone se bach gai.

I am a misfit and I know that. There is no need to rub it in like salt on my wounds. Allow me to heal God, allow me to recuperate from all the deceit that I have encountered in your world. Your intrusive, obnoxious, stubborn and self-proclaimed saintly world. Your do-gooders have done more harm than possible. Please make them stop.

People have so many notions when it comes to the perfect woman.  I am not that and I do not need to be that too. God, being unmarried does not mean anything to me. I have never given it much thought. But when things happen like this, when your own near and dear ones have daggers up their sleeves, there is nothing you can do. The helplessness is crippling me.

God, I have had a few difficult nights but this one takes the cake. With views so biased, I have a few choice words which I can’t utter. I had a talk with mom and it helped…a little. But nothing can fully lessen or remove the pain that these types of remarks invoke. My stance will never change God.

The idea of sharing my life with someone scares me. There is no way out of it once you are in. I don’t want my idiosyncrasies to affect anyone else’s life. But I am hurt. Hurt by the attitude and the thinking which invoked such reactions. Yes, my bed is never made, yes I am not a great cook, yes I have that laid back and frankly lazy attitude towards housework and yes my work takes the front seat always and forever. All said and done, I am good at heart.

I wish and long for someone who would one day recognize that goodness and love it. Is it too much to ask? Maybe then, little by little I will change. Or maybe I will never change. Only time can tell. But God, you made all things imperfect and they are all beautiful in their own way. I am beautiful in my own way. Even if I am not, you made me what I am and I am happy.

Let all the perfect marriages in the world thrive and prosper and let loners like me sulk in peace. Amen.

Words, words, words....

Dear God

हज़ारों ख़्वाहिशें ऐसी, के हर ख़्वाहिश पे दम निकले
बहुत निकले मेरे अरमान, लेकिन फिर भी कम निकले

निकलना खुल्द से आदम का सुनते आए हैं लेकिन
बहुत बेआबरू होकर तेरे कूचे से हम निकले*

Words hurt! A Lot...This could probably be the understatement of the day. Words have made me what I am today…insecure, alone and abandoned. What makes it worse is I am deeply loathed by the people closest to my heart. So much has been said about the virtue of straightforwardness but few have survived to tell the tale. 

God, I keep thinking maybe I made a mistake by revealing so much of myself to the world. All said and done, your hypocritical world is really never prepared for the truth. All the efforts in the world could not convince someone of my loyalty. Only because there were people planting well chosen and well timed words about me. I have never felt so powerless in my life, God.

I have been subjected to mockery, ridicule, criticism and what not! I am suddenly feeling so small. I feel wasted…worthless and what not. Trying really hard to get a grip on my feelings, I fail miserably.

God, I marvel at my strength every time I rise from the ashes. But every time, a little part of me dies. Log kya kahenge has never stopped me from making my own decisions or choosing my own path. But now it is my own people who have joined them.

Surrounded by material comfort and financial abundance, I crave for some emotional stability. A far-fetched dream if you ask me. With the speed at which my trust is being broken by my loved ones, left right and centre I don’t know how long I will last.

Just one more thing God - I have been really strong through this all and I thank You for being my guiding and driving force. Please restore my faith in humanity, kindness and love. Help me find some solace. Please!!

* Shayri credits : Mirza Ghalib