The fair weather friend

Dear God

Sample this:

‘I don’t want to be with you anymore. You are an intensely negative person and you are gradually driving me away from you with your behavior.’

Once again I am to take the blame for a broken relationship. Fair enough, God. I was the one doing all the efforts anyways. The plans, the outings, the dates; the special celebrations everything was chalked out by me. Why not the blame of it not working anymore?

I was such a happy person God. Was I? Really? Nah…I was never a happy person. I felt this constant battle with bad thoughts in my heart and mind and it is a losing battle. I am drowning in this depression thing since I was a child and these days I feel like sinking. I am sinking God and I can’t do anything to stop it. He was my last hope which is now gone for good.

There is hardly any difference between me and a used tissue. I feel the same: filthy, torn and crumpled. God, people who battle depression are really brave. They have an enemy they can’t see. There are times when I wake up with an upbeat mood, do things which are rejuvenating and fun. Then there are days when even getting out of bed takes a lot of effort.

There is sound sleep sometimes and sleepless days I between. I have my writing as a solace and every day I put my words out there hoping they would reach the right person. This social experiment that he chose to do has failed miserably and now he blames me. I accept as usual. The fault is mine. Unless and until I climb out of this hole I will never be able to see the light. Meanwhile, he chose to be with people who are happy and fun to be with. After all, everyone has a right to be happy in life; except me.

He brought me the trap of unconditional love. What the hell does that even mean God? Unconditional love! I’ll tell you what it means? Unconditional love is a rat race. It is a sadistic masochistic phenomenon where you accept the pain of abuse, torture and humiliation all in the name of love. Also cheating, dating others right in front of your very eyes and never accepting your relationship in public. Love has done all this damage in my life all these years. What next?

‘I am leaving you’ has wrecked enough havoc in my life. I wait for the day when even this provocation will stop working. I am waiting for the day when I can say the same to you. I long for one day God when he will understand how and why he has wrecked me. Give him this realization God that he was wrong in coming into a troubled person’s life. Even more wrong when he is choosing to abandon me in my most difficult days. Like everything else, this too shall pass.  I have been through so much then why not one more. I am anyways broken beyond repair. How much more damage can something do?