As your love remains unchanged

Dear God

Sample this:

You don’t deserve this position you are in. I wonder how you became an officer! You are here only because of reservation; you have no talent.’

Thank you for saving me from the car crash. Yet again my baby is suffering due to over-speeding, reckless morons who have literally no value of human life. It was a horrible experience to say the least. But thankfully by Your Grace I escaped unhurt. How I wish I was sheltered from my life the same way. Whatever happened I would be safe in my own little zone. But no such luck!

We are on speaking terms now. Huge relief! But the unfinished business lingers on. The blame has been placed once again on me. All set to make me feel like an awful person, he says and does things which make me feel unworthy of love. According to him I am an incompetent and lousy person. Or so he says. But somehow my heart refuses to believe his renditions of my incompetence. I see myself all day. Fighting his fights, running his errands, accommodating last moment changes. All this while doing full justice to a job of my own.

I so wish he was aware of the impact of his cutting remarks on me. Maybe he does and that is why he is all set to kill my self-respect. But my resilience refuses to back down. It is a losing battle though. Every single day my little inner voice tells me I did my best and every single day he rats out my shortcomings.

Do I lack conviction God? Do I really lack vision? Effort perhaps? Do I? DO I, GOD???

Every day I set out to seek these answers and every single day I fail to get them. I AM A FAILURE…keeps ringing in my mind. His tenderness took my breath away the other day. His cruelty pierces my heart now. Hard to keep up with the kind and extent of humiliation he subjects me to. Is it really my fault God? You tell me. Am I really the filth he calls me? I really hate the way he says ‘Sab tumhari tarah nahin hote.’

I feel abandoned just like in the past. But nothing new. I was always destined to be alone…I wonder why I even tried. Being the difficult person I am. What happens in my life doesn’t come as a surprise. Let Him go, God and give me the courage to move on. Please.