A Jumbled mind

 

Dear God

Am I bipolar? Manic depressive or eternal optimist? Someone to idolize or someone who has lots to improve? Someone sweet and gentle in her ways or a maniac? Someone who always looks at the bright side of things or someone whose glass is always on the empty side?

Here is a look into my troubled mind and the havoc it has been since yesterday:

Am I losing my mind sometimes I feel I am this positive happy person with a great self-image and then I wear myself out with self-deprecation. Struggling with both kind soothing words I say to myself and the filthiest possible insults I hurl I don’t know what I should think of me anymore!

Sometimes feel like manic depressive other times shining beacon of light

Sometimes shaking with rage other times calm in the face of all adversity

Is it just me or everyone feels like this once or many times in life

Who is the real me?

The obsessive maniacally suspicious girlfriend or the caring charming girl you guys look up to!

What triggers that and what motivates this... How do I get out of this rut and feel better?

How do I show you my best face when I am broken from inside and tough to stay whole outside?

With everything falling apart cant place finger on what’s wrong

Sometimes all wrong it seems sometimes everything seems right

Becoming a slave to my jumbled emotions; creating masterpieces of my misery

Confused as hell with no way out in sight

I fight everyday with all my might

Feeling this urgent need to save myself yet feel like the savior

Sometimes feel the world will keel if I so desire…

At times feeling helpless to change my own fate

At other times feeling like the masters of the universe.

I am a person of many faults and sins yet feel flawlessly innocent at times.

All this conflict behind closed doors, in public always smiling.

No one has any idea of the sleepless nights when I meet them like sunshine…

Am I happy and pretending sad or is it the other way round? Is my smile fake or my tears are shallow, no way to know? Am I really being unfair to someone and quick to judge? Or there is merit in my fears?

Am I intensely negative as people claim or I am all sunshine and daisies? Am I ever going to get out of this rut and feel light or will I be forever burdened with this isolation and the feeling of being alone forever?

Am I enough for myself or do I need this other person in my life? Do I help or harm?

Oh! the struggles of a mind which is slipping so fast into the deep dungeons of depression. Yet holds on tenaciously to the one little dangling root with all its might. Will it be saved from its horrors or will it sink; only time will tell.