Walk Alone VI

Dear God

What goes wrong every time I try to find love? I am not unlovable God, I have people in my life who are always there for me and who lift my spirits when I feel low. People who cherish and admire my strength and look forward to my advice all the time. People I wish I can be a good example to. I am a good person and You have time and again given me chances to prove that all through my life. Yet when it comes to lifelong commitment, I have no end in sight anytime soon, why?

At this point in my life, I have given up looking for love or companionship on the outside. Yet my life is graced with people who love and respect me unconditionally. Inside I still long for the special one and I know it is not going to happen.

So slowly I pick up the pieces every time and just try to move on with my life.

Yet it is never easy. The closures have so many lose ends and there are words which I still need to say or hear. Sometimes, actually all the times there are some things which are left midway and the ties are never cut completely.

Then they try to come back to the comforting cocoon that I am and I can no longer have them. For when I wanted to curl up into a ball in my life, I only had my fur babies for comfort. Its been ages since I slept in a house bustling with people.

People come and go in my home and it is a blessing that they do. For I love me time and the quietness it brings. Yet sometimes I long to share my life and day with someone…

Sometimes it feels like a mistake that I never actively tried the conventional matchmaking for getting me a companion. Yet whenever I think of carrying the chai ki tray and answering questions like ‘Khana bana leti ho?’ my mind just revolts.

Not to mention I am so scared of a person/family who will use me and my resources without due regard to my wishes for a true companion. The worst would be a long-distance relationship at this point of time.

I don’t want to be the man in the relationship and I want to be taken care of. Despite being strong I wish someone would treat me with gentleness and care. I would love that!! Yet whenever someone is in my life, they end up being pampered. While I be the provider and protector for them…

Now, I refuse to be that and so I deliberately choose this isolation and finally bid adieu to the hope of finding love. Let love find me if it is destined to be.