Why Me???

Dear God

There is a string of abuses in my inbox. I don’t know what to do with them. Love and respect have taken a backseat in my relationship God and this derogatory and abusive string is what I have left. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t seem to do anything right these days. All I wanted was a person who will love me and accept me as I am. Am I really this kind of person, God? What have I done to be subjected to this kind of torture? Retaliation…I thought so many things I could have done but so far nothing works.

I also thought long and hard about the kind of person I am. Broken, for sure! God, I started so right and I keep wondering where I went wrong along the way? Why did it have to go so horribly wrong? The most heartbreaking thing about this is; I expected it to be different. I don’t know why I expected love and understanding. I am the same person who was being mocked at for trying to secure marital bliss a couple of years back. How could I forget? I have only myself to blame for what happened to me. I was delusional. How could I forget people like me should not be looking for love! Love is for those who know how to cheat, how to manipulate and present their best side till the time they can secure the relationship. Transparency and honesty do take a backseat when it comes to making a choice.

I was right about your world all along. I just have to put theory into practice. When it comes to me, isolation is my best friend. I go out into the world wearing rose tinted glasses and come back to my world with a broken spirit. I hold my head high in front of strangers but it is my own people who bring me down. It is time I quit God, for good! YOU know that I tried.

A cry for help

Dear God

Thank YOU for helping me find love but no thanks!  He is better off without me.  It was so hard to date an intensively negative person like me.  So it’s about time he gave up on me with a little (may be a lot) help from my side.  Today when he finally broke free of my clutches, I am the one who is feeling free.  Having lived a loveless life for so long, I have finally lost my ability to retain and preserve love as I received it. I have been the worst that I could be lately. Crying my eyes out in the solitude of the night, putting up nasty pretenses in the day!! Why am I telling you all this now? I am wired that way. Someone has to accept me the way I am before I could be changed. Someone has to kiss the toad first in order to turn it into the princess. Someone has to see through all this arrogance and get through to me. I am so not well. Sadistic, may be. I have finally come to believe that no one will accept me. Not even if I put my best foot forward. And to tell You the truth, God… putting up pretenses is hard work.

I have to come to terms with it. Relationships are so not meant for people like me. I may have been a loving, caring person once. I ceased to be that long ago. This beauty turned into the beast a long time back. I have no way of reversing this now. However hard I try, there will always be bad days and worse. There will always be nights when he wonders what he saw in me. He hates me so much God. Now is a good time to leave him in peace. I won’t be missed I know.

I love him God, a lot.  Maybe that gave me the courage to give him up.  Or maybe in my mind I had already given up on me. No one could stand a person like me for as long as he did.  I marvel his courage and hate my audacity!

Good riddance.  He must me thinking na!  Thank You for giving me the courage to give up the most precious thing in my life.  I was not good for him.  I will never be good for anyone.  Someone as toxic as me should be quarantined not cherished.  So here I am God.  Alone once again, in my own private hell. 

For better or...

Dear God

Who said your world was fair? I have been in a professional soup lately; not for the first time though. As I skirt my way through dead-ends and roadblocks; what irks me most is not the hindrances coming my way, but the attitude I have encountered towards work and towards me.

It all started when I extended a small business opportunity to someone I know. We were great friends and thought we would extend our friendship to a mutually beneficial association. All I wished for is someone who will prioritize the company’s interest and for him I just wanted to generate an employment opportunity. Win-win for both…right? Not really!

A couple of months later, I am frustrated to say the least. This little stunt adversely affected our friendship; which seems distant and non-existent these days. Also the person in question lashed out at me on numerous occasions citing reasons such as the slow progress of his work.

Being a government company, bound by rules, regulations and protocols, I feel so helpless when I am questioned about the slow pace of work in our system. I have no qualms about the documentation though. We keep a thorough record of everything based on ‘Might be required.’

What hurt me most were the demands this transaction makes at my time and dignity. I was never the one to chase after things. I have always done my job and let people work at their own pace. Here, I have no choice. Plagued by numerous calls and queries, I check the progress of my case and give it a push from table to table. 

With his own non-cooperation movement in tow, my dear friend is ready to throw in the towel at the slightest hint of trouble. Trouble it is for us both. I was shocked to say the least when he said ‘I will drag you to the higher authorities.’ For what? I wanted to ask.

PS: Case solved but left a really bitter taste in my mouth.