Dear God
Thank YOU
for helping me find love but no thanks! He is better off without
me. It was so hard to date an intensively negative person like me.
So it’s about time he gave up on me with a little (may be a lot) help from my
side. Today when he finally broke free of my clutches, I am the one who
is feeling free. Having lived a loveless life for so long, I have
finally lost my ability to retain and preserve love as I received it. I
have been the worst that I could be lately. Crying my eyes out in the solitude
of the night, putting up nasty pretenses in the day!! Why am I telling you all
this now? I am wired that way. Someone has to accept me the way I am before I
could be changed. Someone has to kiss the toad first in order to turn it into
the princess. Someone has to see through all this arrogance and get through to
me. I am so not well. Sadistic, may be. I have finally come to believe that no
one will accept me. Not even if I put my best foot forward. And to tell You the
truth, God… putting up pretenses is hard work.
I have to
come to terms with it. Relationships are so not meant for people like me. I may
have been a loving, caring person once. I ceased to be that long ago. This
beauty turned into the beast a long time back. I have no way of reversing this
now. However hard I try, there will always be bad days and worse. There will
always be nights when he wonders what he saw in me. He hates me so much God.
Now is a good time to leave him in peace. I won’t be missed I know.
I love
him God, a lot. Maybe that gave me the courage to give him up. Or
maybe in my mind I had already given up on me. No one could stand a person like
me for as long as he did. I marvel his courage and hate my audacity!
Good
riddance. He must me thinking na! Thank You for giving me the
courage to give up the most precious thing in my life. I was not good for
him. I will never be good for anyone. Someone as toxic as me should
be quarantined not cherished. So here I am God. Alone once again, in
my own private hell.
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