Morning Sun to my Yelda*

Dear Readers

Sorry for the long pause. Long official trips and relocation is to be blamed. When I started writing this blog, a lot of people asked me; “Is it my story? It is too personal, too detailed, and too insightful. Some of them have taken offense too that I chose to discuss everything so openly. Some were hurt and offended.

To all of them I say; I am the voice of hundreds of people like me. I cannot stifle my voice for that would mean I have declined them their right too! So my dear readers, be prepared for some honesty, some fun and some more of my bluntness.

Love you All

THE PAST:

तेरे  बारे में  जब  सोचा नहीं था , मैं  तनहा था मगर इतना नहीं था

तेरी तस्वीर से करता था बातें , मेरे कमरे में तब आइना नहीं था 

Reading The Kite Runner the other day, I came across this term. By the way, this book is a fabulous story of triumph of humanity. The way Amir finally finds his voice and fights to right the wrongs is something we all should do. Hardly happens in life though!!

In real life, you don’t marry the girl who ran off with her boyfriend when she was a teenager. In real life, you do not have the courage to take a stand for a woman who was wronged. In real life, you do what the one before you did, blame her and move on. May be my folks are right. Books really have distorted my view of the world. They made me believe a fairer world and the existence of equality in all relationships. Tough luck, Barrett!

Yelda, the first night of winter and the longest night of the year… You: the longest and the darkest night of my life. No hope…no dreams….no love. I remember the hopelessness and the constant abandonment. Confined in my own body, I felt trapped. At times, it took some effort to even breathe. Those were the days when I believed nothing good would ever happen.  The days when I believed I deserved the shabby treatment meted out to me. Those were the darkest times of my life. The times when I was abandoned, shunned for seeking a committed relationship, ridiculed for asking for loyalty and laughed at because I believed myself. Those were the days when I ceased to live, when I gave up on my life and for a brief period of time, I could not find myself.

Luckily, I did!

THE PRESENT:

Dear Sun

Thank you for dispelling the darkness with your amazing light, my morning sun. You rise with your glory and make me feel warm again. Thank you for clearing the cob webs in my mind and making me see life once again. Thank you for giving me the courage to fight. With you, I have seen the best days of my life and the best thing about it is; they have just begun. Thank you for dispelling all the myths that a fallen woman can never rise. Thank you for helping me find my confidence once again. Thank you for the unconditional love, unquestionable faith. Thank you for the everlasting love and unending support. With you, I learnt to love again.

Thank you for fighting my battles and winning my war.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

·       Courtesy : The Kite Runner by Khalid Hosseini

When customer delight is not so delightful

My Dear Readers 

It's been quite busy out here. Getting transferred to a new location entails so much work!

But that is not what I want to talk about today. Today I want to talk about something which I have been facing since the last two months.

When I studied Marketing management and a subject, I did not know that gender bias plays a pivotal role. Here I was trying to purchase my dream car (which I finally did!! Yay!!)

The trouble started when I mentioned my name. For those who don't know, my name is B H A V A N A - Bhavana. Just Bhavana. No prefix suffix...Nothing. But as it turns out, the agency in question does not agree. The documents I got from there refuse to believe that. They have distorted my name in the below mentioned ways....

1. The invoice - says my name is Bhavna Kumari...I don't know why I suddenly feel like a 6 years old.

2. Then I have a receipt from them which says my name is Mrs. Bhavna Kumari. Hellow!! When did I get married...Was i too drunk to remember ;)

3. Then I received the cheque which topped it all- it says my name is Miss Bhavna Kumari.. S/ O ...(!). I do not recall a gender change operation I underwent...Was it when I was in Delhi for a fortnight.

Shakespeare was so wrong..There is something in a name and more in a name when you chose to not carry a surname.

Disclaimer: This one is a true story.

The Single Woman

THE PAST:

Tera qusoor nahin jaan, meri tanhayee'

Ye rog maine hi khud jaan ko lagaya tha.'

A single woman is such a fancy creature. People see her and wonder…Oh the surprise is always there…The very first one ‘What does she do with all the money?’  Tough luck knowing that man… I work hard and enjoy the fruits of my labour, just like all of you.

Then this one: ‘She is all alone.’ Actually not! I have a family too… they just don’t live with me. Contrary to popular belief, living alone is not a choice. It is a compulsion.

Then ‘What do you do with all the free time.’ Women like me do not have much time on their hands. In addition to shouldering the responsibilities of office, we have to run our household too. So we are always preoccupied and very busy. Every second counts…

And the best one: Why the heck doesn’t she get married? This is an easy one ‘That is because the world is full of morons who think being self-dependent is a demerit when we are searching for a suitable life mate. We are no ‘damsels-in-distress’. Maybe that is why people think we can continue being the knight in shining armour for life. So get this one straight. “Even if my armour is a little cracked and my hands heavy from lifting the shield, I will never, never, never, never, never…stop fighting.”

Leaving me was easy because you knew I could fend for myself. You knew I would never look forward to someone opening the door for me or I would never be the one to wait at home in the evening while you were out. Guess what, you were right!

THE PRESENT:

Der lagi aane me tumko

Shuqr hai fir bhi, aaye to

Dear Love

Thank you is one word which keeps popping into my head time and again. This time because you understood. You understood my choices, my dreams, my fears and my situation. Thank you for seeing that although I can fend for myself and frankly I am used to it by now; yet I love to be taken care of. Thank you for seeing that I have been too strong for too long and now just need someone to lean on. Thank you for understanding the need for money and material comfort is not the only reason for being with someone. It can also be the companionship, the camaraderie, the love, the togetherness.

Most importantly, thank you for accepting my life as it is; the privileges and the challenges alike. Thank you for sharing my life and all that there is in it and thank you for being so open minded about it.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The Furnace

THE PAST:

Mizaz apna kuchh aisa bana liya humne

Kisi ne kuchh bhi kaha bas muskara diya hamne

If there was a weapon of mass destruction in the world potent yet easiest to carry; invisible to the eyes yet wreak havoc on heart, mind and body alike. A weapon so strong, its power unsurpassed by all others. A weapon once unleashed, it hits you again and again with the same intensity. It would have to be words…

Likewise your words were the weapons you unleashed and subjected me to their raw power. Cheating, deception, hiding information, promiscuity…your blames were endless. Somehow I always ended up at the receiving end.

I still remember the day I told you about an office colleague who was hitting on me. I fended him off successfully but you never believed me. I still can’t believe you hold me responsible for every message people send me, unwanted attention or unsolicited compliments for the way I looked. I was not at fault yet you never believed me.

No girl wants it mate, unwanted attention, unsolicited remarks. No girl would like to be subjected to this. The world around us believes we love all the attention but it, in fact, is incorrect.

We just want to live in peace; we have earned our freedom financially. It’s time the society gave us our privacy back too.

THE PRESENT:

Uski ankhon mein itni batein hain

Ik kitab si likhne ko dil ye kehta hai

Dear Love

Words are the most potential weapon and when used wisely, they make us do what we could never imagine. Words convey love, faith, trust and encouragement. Your words soothe my pain; heal all that hurts. Your words which make me feel the love that makes me believe myself.

Endless times you have imparted me the power to cross a line, say my mind, believe in myself and do reach for the stars when people said I could hardly climb the attic.

Your words are the balm on my hurts and the power behind my belief.

PS: Sometimes, it pours down on the furnace and everything cools down J

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The Picnic Spot

THE PAST:

Dear Ex

Tehzeeb mein uski kya khoob ada thi

Namak bhi aata kiya to zakhmon par chhidak kar

‘I need a friend like you.’ ‘We are great friends too, let’s continue being so.’ ‘I don’t want to lose your friendship.’

Screw Friendship!!! If there was a much abused phrase in break ups all around the world, its friendship.

When you are in a relationship, you do so many things together, create beautiful memories. The pain of being separated from it all is one thing you are subjecting them* to. At the same time, you want them to be available for you if and when you need them…so ‘friendship.’

Guys and girls, when you can’t give someone their rightful place in your life, please have the dignity to stay away from them too. This friendship thing is just a poor excuse to continue the relationship much after it is over. When you have moved on, it hurts the person in question to see you again, let alone remember now you belong to someone else. It takes a lot to forget all that and move on. When you have already forsaken them, there is no need to remind them of their loss time and again. The least you can do is let them heal in peace. Vacate the place you have occupied in their life, not selfishly demand the same time and attention which you are now giving to someone else. It is a life not a picnic spot…for you to visit at your convenience.

If your relationship is all that great and you really wish for them to be with you throughout your life, give them their rightful place. Else just learn to manage without their presence in life.

THE PRESENT:

Dear Love

Bhari mehfil mein doston ka ziqr hua. Hamne to…

Sirf aapki taraf dekha aur log ‘Wah Wah’ kehne lage

Of all the things that we are for each other, we are great friends too. In fact, friendship was the beginning of our relationship. ‘Just Friends.’ Is something I would never want to hear about us both. It would hurt me to be an outsider in your life, you – I value above all else. It would be insulting to indulge so many tender feelings for someone who considers me ‘just a friend.’ A face in the crowd; a name amongst so many others. You are so much more to me than a friend; I wish you feel the same.

PS: What we have is so much more than friendship.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

*them is used in place of him/her here.

In the wrong light

THE PAST:

Kiski talwar par sir rakhoon ye bata do mujhe

Ishq karna agar khata hai, to saza do mujhe

‘Strong!’ it takes only one word to define me and the word is – strong. Like coffee maybe!!

There is only one problem though. Strong coffee is liked universally but a strong             girl sure shot recipe for trouble. The world is so fond of damsels in distress. So what’s a girl to do? In this world of chiffon saris and stilettos, I am a denim jacket…a misfit. It’s not that I never tried to fit in but I just don’t have it in me. So I continue doing what I do best…stay strong. Every failure, every conflict, every disagreement and everything else…I will remain strong in the face of it. Do not be mistaken, being strong does not mean I am unfeeling, distant and cold. It only means you make your own decisions and your own mistakes as well. In the face of adversity, you don’t balk. You face the consequences of your action and have only yourself to blame if something goes wrong. Being strong does not mean rejecting every idea or help offered to you just like that. It only means you ask for help only when really, really, really required.

The world thrives on the misconception that strong people never fail. They do…of course they do. But they know how to pick up the pieces and start again. It’s not that they never cry. But they know how to wipe their tears in silence.

Voicing my opinion is not intended to hurt you or anyone for that matter. Not all my memories are bad. I just used them to exemplify something I observed. The best way to do that was to use my own experiences. They need not be misinterpreted as all bad….or that I feel bad about them.

THE PRESENT:

Dear Readers

Aaj ya kalam tod dun ya hichak;Kuchh karun ki ye shrap toote

Ki fir kabhi jab pyar ya kranti likhun to kalam ki nok na jhuke na toote

 Fearlessness is an adorable trait; only outside your home. Not within…The Amrita’s, Taslima’s and Simon’s of the world suit the world fine…but not your own home. Speaking the bitter truth is a delightful trait but only for others. In reality; we learn to supress the brutal truth in favour of a delectable lie.

For being the voice of the downtrodden, you have to step in their shoes. Feel what they feel, say what they can’t. Vent out their aggression, their disappointments, and their desperation. Every word has to be twisted to say the truth. The brutal truth…

For me, the truth is that I am scared. I am scared of trusting someone, anyone. I keep my fears and insecurities locked up deep inside my heart. That is the reason of my sleepless nights and that is the reason why I say ‘You can’t help me. Nobody can…!!’ That is because it is me who has to learn to love again, trust again, have faith again.

Before trusting the world, I have to learn to trust myself. Have faith in myself and my abilities before I place my faith in someone else. Till the time I do that, there is no hope for me…none at all.

PS: I am strong enough to handle this one, you made me so.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The Illicit Relationship

THE PAST:

Tum massarrat ka kaho ya ise gham ka rishta

kehte hain pyar ka rishta hai janam ka rishta

hai janam ka ye rishta to badalta kyu hai

Meri Maa ka pura haq hai ki wo jahan chahe meri shadi kar saken aur ye haq mai unhe doonga!

Dear Ex

Before launching into a tirade about how a mother’s love is absolute and she has done so many sacrifices for us so it’s her right to do as she pleases. Of course, a mother’s love is absolute and unmatched. But guys manipulate this in the worse way possible.

The way you did when you chose to walk away from me and get married to a girl of her choice. You think you did the right thing.

Duh!!! It was wrong, all so wrong.

I’ll tell you why…

Firstly, she was kept in dark by you. You never told her about us…Oh Right! Word play…there was never an ‘us’. We never had a relationship, we had an arrangement.

Secondly, your mum is first and foremost a woman. She would completely understand how it is difficult for a woman to move on when she falls in love with someone; even when the person in question is thankless and selfish. Also callous, unfeeling and cold. People play with words but you played with my life. You saw me falling in love but never stopped me or had the good sense to step back.

Boys, if you are not planning to stay in a relationship, let the girl know. Let her take an informed decision. If you don’t do so, nothing you say or do later can undo the damage.

Scarred for life, that is what I am right now.

THE PRESENT:

Har jheel me pani hai, har ik jheel me lahrein

Fir sabke muqaddar mein kanwal kyu nahin hota

Qudrat ke usulon mein badal kyu nahi hota

Dear Love

Time and tide wait for none. Yet this chit of a girl dares to wait for you. I can wait all eternity too, for us. There is definitely an ‘us’. Once again the odds are not in my favour, they never were. Yet I choose to close my eyes and trust you.

A lot of people would say; I am committing the same mistake again. They can say this as the situation is an exact mirror image of the last one.

Yet, there is one thing different. The person I am with this time and for life; is different. Having seen my struggle through everything, you know what I have been through.

The sanctity of marriage and the absoluteness of it all is what I want. The only difference being, unlike the 99.99% janta out there, I will form this relationship only when I am ready to commit for life. I will commit myself to this only when and with whom I am ready. No one understands me the way you do. To me, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with is you.

What I wish to do for you, anyone can. But what you are for me, no one will ever be. You are what I have always wanted, always sought. For once in my life, I feel I found where I belong. I belong with you. You are my rightful place.

Yet you have never seen this through my eyes. There is no dignity in a relationship if it is not within socially acceptable limits. There is a ‘like a mother’, ‘like a sister’ but there never is ‘like a wife.’

The sanctity of marriage is unsurpassed, my love. I want the same for us, nothing less than that.

I love you.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Hazaron Khwahishen Aisi…

THE PAST:

Hazaron Khwahishen aisi ki har khwahish pe dum nikle

Bahut nikle mere armaan lekin fir bhi kam nikle

Flashback:

I was going to the market with my folks for some shopping. Obstinate that I was, I said,” Today I will choose a dress by myself.” “What makes you think you are old enough to do so?” Poof, all my confidence was gone and I learnt a valuable lesson. The one who pays for you is the boss, not you. That was the day I decided, one day I will be my own boss.

Present day me: “I want to buy a car.” “What makes you think you should go for such a high end model. Why not choose something economical?” The answer: “I get to choose the model because I am paying for it.” It’s time I had a say in my life and decisions.

We have a beautiful and amicable relationship. Only till I choose to be what they want me to be. The moment I assert myself, trouble looms large. Why can’t we raise children and let go of them at a time when they are grown up enough to make their own decisions. When you tell your child to be less ambitious, you are indirectly telling them to not aim high. Also you are questioning their ability to handle themselves. You have to tell them to reach the sky, not be content with climbing the attic. For the umpteenth time I am telling you, “I took the trip because it was much needed. I needed to be in the right frame of mind to face the world again. No matter what you say about it, I will never feel guilty for what I chose to do. It was by far the best decision of my life.”

Like this one…my first car. I don’t know if I will be able to convince you on this one. Or like the trip I took, I will have to bear the brunt later. Whatever I choose to do, I will know that I chose right. For sometimes in life, you have to take a stand for yourself and what you believe in.

THE PRESENT:

Kaisi lat, kaisi chahat kahan ki khata

Bekhudi me hai dilbar khudi ka maza

Thank you is such a small word and yet when it comes to the two of us – spoken so many times and in so many ways.

I thank God every single second of my existence that I got to know you and be with you. Through you I understood myself and saw myself in a new light. I got to know that I have a right to be happy, to expect great things for and from myself. You and your faith in me made me unsurmountable.

All my life, I have been clouded by self-doubt. Was I too selfish, too ambitious, too practical, too…much basically. You taught me it’s all right once in a while to think of myself. It’s absolutely fine if I want to have a good life for myself too amongst all things. You taught me to lighten up and enjoy life.

Thank you for everything, my love.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty.  

Marriages, Marriages - What I expect from matrimony

THE PAST:

Hamre sajanva hamra dil aisa toden,Wo ghar banayen hamka rasta ma chhoden

Jaise ki lalla koi khilona jo pave,Due char din to khele fir bhool jawe

Ro bhi na payen aisi gudia na keejo, agle janam mohe bitiya na keejo

Dear Ex

‘Inko bas ek naukar chahiye jo inke ghar ke sare kaam karta rahe. Isliye shadi karna chahti hain.

Your words reflect your thinking and the way you perceive a working woman. By working you mean a girl who attends office. But to me, every woman is a working woman. Just because a woman is confined within the limits of home does not make her any less so. And to your statement above, the answer is a loud and vehement NO!! No, I am not looking for a ramu kaka in marriage. Don’t you think marrying someone for the sole purpose of household work is a bit shallow? Not a bit, actually it is the shallowest possible thing you can think of. Yet I have seen boys getting married and saying it out loud that Koi ghar dekhne wala nahin hai.

Also, if you think bringing groceries to your own home can make you a Ramu Kaka, I would also be the Shanta Bai who cooks, cleans, washes clothes and does everything else for you. This Shanta Bai could also offer tuition to your children. Howzzat? Anyway!

When I thought of marrying you, I was only thinking of a life full of dignity and bliss. I was not selfish when I thought so, in fact I was prepared to sacrifice anything and everything required to make it work. You could have been the happiest person on earth and I am not exaggerating. Yet if you chose to give it all away, so be it. I have no regrets. The loss is all yours.

THE PRESENT:

Ae hamnava mujhe apna bana le; sukhi padi dil ki is zameen ko bhiga de

Kab se mai dar dar fir raha; Musafir dil ko bana de

Tu awargi ko meri aaj thehra de

Carnal right!! Is that all? Is that really all one should look for in a marriage? Is that how you chose to perceive about me? Is that all you know about me after all this time? Is that really all I am looking for and expecting from marriage? Chalo let me address this once and for all…

When I think of marriage, I imagine and expect an eternal friendship. Two people pitted against the whole wide world. Two people Always together through thick and thin, sickness and health, for rich or poor. Two people who look in the same direction. Two people who slowly and steadily build and maintain a loving home. Two people who represent their families, their culture, and their values. Two people who are meant to be with each other beyond eternity. Or at least as long as they both live.

Marriage to me has always held sacredness, a reverence, exclusivity and a surety. Marriage defines man woman relationship in the most beautiful way possible. When I ask you to marry me, I want all that for us and more. I wish we share that bond, I wish our friendship gets strengthened by this bond, this togetherness, this understanding.

Not to forget, children – The most beautiful and important part of it all. Flesh of our flesh, our blood. Yes, I wish I could be a mother someday. I don’t know how good I would be but to be able to hold a part of me in my arms would surely be something.

Marriage to me means respect and reverence for a person. A feeling unsurpassed and never felt before. A loyalty so fierce that not even dreams can deny it. Marriage means waking up next to a person for the rest of your life and looking forward to it. To me that person is you, only you.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The homecoming of the outlaws – III

THE PAST:

Use kuchh na kehna wo toota hua hai

Pathaar ke but sa deewana mila hai

Every great relationship thrives on 4 things – time, patience, sacrifice and faith. Is that why my relationship with myself is troubled? I lost faith in me. Lost my trust in my ability to form loving, caring relationships and retain them. The ones I got by virtue of my birth endure me somehow but then no one else can. The ones who tried have made it worse by giving up on me. They openly declare – I am not worth it. By saying this they reinforce the belief that I can’t make it.

I have come a long way and yet feels like I haven’t moved an inch. Everything is just the same. Nothing changed. My belief that I will never be able to do full justice to a relationship is still there. Something nags in the back of my mind – I will never be able to do this. I will never be someone who is easy around people. This homecoming is awkward to say the best. The loneliness appals me yet I know if I try to curb it, it will get worse. I have given up on it a long time back. I lost this battle a very long time back.

My subconscious knows it so well. There is no hope for people like me. We have a hard time explaining why we do what we do. When we do explain, no one understands. That is what hurts the most. No one has got the kind of patience required to cure this one.

There were times when I waited in vain for someone to be with me, to appreciate what I am. To look beyond my skin, age, weight, height and complexion and discover the person I am. No one did and the hope died slowly. Now nothing you say or do will be able to revive it, now or ever.

I know you quit trying long time back.

THE PRESENT:

Fir se lage duniya bani, mahke zameen tere karan

Pahle kahan aisi thi mai, mai hun hansi tere karan

Thank you..Thank you…Thank you. Your faith, your patience, your time and all the sacrifices you made for me have finally made me believe – we are meant to be. We are together and we will always be. You and your firm handling of my vices led me to believe I am not all that bad. The little goodness I have in me has revived the hope that I can retain this relationship. My motherly instincts, my caring ways and my tenderness all come alive for you. I almost do not recognise the person I have become with you. For the first time in my life, I feel sure of someone and sure that your trust in me can work the wonders. What a journey, my love. Incredible to say the best! I am sorry for all the hardships you endured for me. I am sorry for all those harsh words I hurt you with. I am so sorry that I have inflicted so many blames on you. Baseless all of them! Every single second from the day I met you, I thanked God that I have you in my life. Every time you did something for me, I thanked you for you are always there. I never expressed it before but secretly wished you would endure the test of time. So you did and my trust is well rewarded.

I will move mountains for you if you ask. Right now, let me just build you this beautiful relationship, our beautiful relationship.

I love you.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The Sick One

THE PAST:

Wo mera dost bhi hai dushman bhi

Bad dua dun use magar na lage

‘Where is the cure? Everyone seems to be worried about eliminating the symptoms. Taking precautions doesn’t cure the actual disease. It actually exists hidden out of sight. Disease free and shiny from the outside but inside it’s all still there.’

-      Niketa Singh in Every time it rains

Dear Moms of the world

Are you done checking your precious son’s phone and chat records? What? He did not let you…Hmmm As expected. Smart Ass him. We women are a naïve lot Maa. We believe everything we are told. Even if we suspect otherwise!

So I also made the same mistake as you. I believed when he said he will always love me. I believed the false promises made with no intention to follow through. I believed the false sense of security he inculcated in me. Now I know the truth. I know it never existed – the love he was so sure of.

The sweet, innocent boy next door is a beast in reality. He is capable of shattering a person and her confidence by just a word. A word is all it takes Maa. A simple two letter word which says I am no good. The worst thing that happened to me is – I believe it. I believe every word he said. He said I am incapable of taking care of a family; I am lost in my own world. I have my own things to cater to and have no space or patience for any other relationship. I am a self-obsessed narcissist who cannot see beyond herself.

For me a husband is just a trophy to decorate around the house, not a life partner. I don’t need a husband as such. In his opinion, only the damsels in distress need rescuing. Not someone like me.   

I believed him when he said all those sweet nothings, Maa. There is no reason why I will not believe him now.

Good luck to me.

THE PRESENT:

 Koi humdum na raha, koi sahara na raha

Hum kisi ken a rahe, koi hamara na raha

Dear love,

Broken hearts can never heal my love. I will forever bear the battle scars of my past and I will have to live with that. Thank you to you for your patience. I am amazed at your ability to bear it for so long. You should have dashed to the door on the double a long time back. I would be lying if I say I am expecting otherwise. Yet you chose differently. The trust you place in me even after I treat you so overwhelms me. It makes me believe a different life, a different future. It makes me believe I have a fair chance at choosing a different life. It makes me believe I am worthy of a different life than what I had. Your faith, your love, your patience and your time – all that I get from you is all I need to be whole again. All I need to be happy again, all I need to be able to trust again. This eternal promise of being forever together is all it takes to bring out the best in me.

Hang in there my life. I will bring you out of this hellhole.

Love you, hamesha.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The Half Life

THE PAST:

hazaron khwahishen aisi ki har khwahish pe dum nikle 

bahut nikle mere armaan lekin fir bhi kam nikle 

Dear Ex

Our relationship…a half full glass of water holds much more than what it held in store for me. A clandestine one at that… I still remember the stealth with which all our dates were planned. How carefully you avoided being seen with me in public. I still hate the way you asked me to keep mum about it. On the pretext of not compromising with my reputation, you made sure no one believed me if I ever said anything against you. In vain I trusted you and thought that you were well aware of the sacrifices on my part. In vain, I believed I was a girl fit to take home and share a life with. In vain, I tried to domesticate myself and estrange my friends. In vain, I believed in you and the promises you made to me. In vain for all this time I kept the flicker of hope alive.

There was no guarantee whenever we met if and when you will come back to me. Yet I put my life, my dreams, my future, my feelings and myself on line.

After you left, I have had the hardest of times believing I was decent; not fallen. Not characterless only because you took advantage of me. I had the hardest time believing I was manipulated to suit your interest. Not the other way round. I have had nightmares after you left; I was so sad and forlorn when you abandoned me. Abandoned is the word…That is what I felt all the time when I was with you. Abandoned and moored like a ship at the dock.

You are gone and I am picking up the pieces now. I am trying to think of a way to bring me out of it. I am trying to believe I deserve a fair chance. I am trying hard to forget the way you disregarded me and my feelings. The way you have hurt me, it will take ages to heal. I don’t know what I did to deserve this…   

   

THE PRESENT:

Chahton ka maza faslon me nahin

aa chhupa lun tujhe hauslon me kahin

Fortune favors the brave. So I decided to be brave and for once in my life asked for what I wanted. It’s all out in the open now. I have finally spoken aloud what I want in life and what I wish for in a relationship. This time, I refuse to back down. This time I will fight to finish. This time I will not keep mum. I will tell everyone about us, I will speak openly about my dreams and my expectations. I will expect you to commit yourself to me the same way I did. I will refuse point blank to back down and I will know deep that I am right. I have a right to believe in my goodness and that I deserve good. In fact, I deserve it all.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty.