Go, went, gone...

Dear God

He is still in the clutches of that woman and unlikely to be free of it anytime soon. It’s up to me now to either chuck everything and move on with my life. Or be the Meena Kumari and say ‘Wo bhatak gaye hain par ek din zarur wapas aayenge. Mujhe vishwas hai.’ What kind of world have You created God? There is nothing here for honest and transparent people. Today he took away my responsibilities and said ‘You have done nothing so far. It is highly unlikely that you will be able to anytime soon.’ My brainchild is in the hands of someone else now. I tried convincing him not to but in vain. He wants results!

I tried to convince him that this is an automated system. You are not going to get results in here without constantly learning and improving it as we go along. But Mr. Clouded judgement of the year (!) renders me incapable of doing this. What to do God? I handed it over like it was nothing. But my heart is broken at the way he has expended me at the drop of a hat. I never asked anything of him.

Our relationship is at an all time low. I don’t know how, when and if we will be able to recover. I have always been the one to take the blame. But now I forgive myself for being the way I am. This is how I was always supposed to be – alone. I dared try different things and believed a different future. Sorry God. Just for some human interaction I have destroyed myself. All these years I believed the fault is all mine. But now I choose to love myself. I promise You God, from this moment onwards I will stop believing the shit your world pukes about me.

All my life I have tried to change for people who abandoned me anyways. So now, I will stop changing for my sake. I will remain what I am now – love me or leave me. You are going to leave anyways so there is no point. Screw positive thinking. Bring on the dreariness. I am willing to welcome my darkest side with open arms now. Trying my hands at the ‘Being positive’ Shit never works anyways.

Save the people who will confront me now.