Rejected Piece

Dear God

I have no words to express what I am feeling today. I am dejected, forlorn and feeling kind of ‘not good enough’. ‘Not good enough’ is a phrase which keeps cropping up in my life time and again. Today this term was sprung upon me when we were discussing the possibilities of me being taken advantage of/ any possibility of men trying to make unwelcome advances. What he said should have come as a relief. But it came as a shocker instead. He said ‘There is hardly any possibility of you being treated that way. You just don’t look good enough.’

Not good enough – has been paying in my mind like a loop since that time. In this alarming time when women well into their 90s or children as young as 3 months are not being spared – he said these words to me. So now I can truly feel free. I can go out on the street in the middle of the night without any fear because in his opinion – I am not good enough. I can work late and I can leave the door of my home unlocked throughout the night. For no one would bother to touch me. I am just not good enough.

For some reason I am reminded of the leering gestures I have avoided throughout my life and all the advances I thwarted. Suddenly they seem like wishful thinking on my part. For in his opinion, I am just not good enough!

God!!

Now I feel the way victims of sexual assault must do. They must have thought “Who would believe my story?” Like who would believe that a person like me has been in a relationship? Or that a person like me could somehow secure a loving and caring partner for I am just ‘not good enough’. Is that why I have avoided meeting prospects for an arranged marriage? For I knew I am liable to get rejected on account of being ‘not good enough’?

I went on stage yesterday. In fact. I go up on stage very frequently. I love anchoring, hosting and public speaking. Should I just refrain from doing that now? For I am not a pretty face. I have a zit right in the middle of it. I have tanning, body hair and a repulsive figure. How dare I take centre stage? I am just not good enough!!