The Braveheart

 

Dear God

As the world around me moves on, I look forward to……What? Calls, schedules, deadlines, events and files…all seem a far-fetched dream. As if it never happened. Yet my humble abode reminds me it is all true. In life we always assume things will always be as they are now, each day same as the other.

Yet I have adapted to this life so well. This free time on my hands helps me self-reflect, see new things, do what I always loved and be what I always wanted to be. I am fed up with putting up a brave front in life now. Sometimes I just want to pick up a baseball bat and smash everything in sight including some heads!

Khali dimag hai na…the devil wants a rent-free accommodation.

All these battles between the heart and the mind are an everyday thing now. Yet I put everything on the line and just watch. Speaking of bravery, as I tolerate the oven fresh accusations, my tears deceive me. For the first time in my life, I am devoid of all feelings. Something in me has just taken a sleeping pill. Devoid of all dread, I face everything head on. The abuse, the torcher, the accusations…everything…...head on.

How could he though? Why did he? What made him think the worst of me only because I chose to be some place I really wanted to be! How is life going to be without him? Challenging to say the least.

I could have lost him to fate God just like all the others. But seems like I lost him to his own misunderstandings. Why did it happen the way it did? Just one day when I was so excited to see something new. I saw that too…but at what cost?

Is it always going to be this way God? Will every happy moment in my life be crowded by uncertainty and gloom?  Sometimes I wonder why You did what You did? Why I can’t be as bad as others are? Why I can’t be as devious?

My questions have no answers God. All I know is I am ready to start afresh. I can build everything again rather than succumbing to their whims and fancies.