Calm down…. Or not!!

 

Dear God

Sample this:

Mujhe samajhne wali ladki Upar wala de dega

Tum meri life se nikal gayi ho yay u kaho nikal diya hai tumhe

Tum hi gale padi thi

Tum us layak hi nahin ki koi tumse shadi kar le

Mere gale mat pado

Jara bhi sharm bachi ho tumhare andar to baat mat karna ab mujhse

Last night was difficult to say the least. Once again, he hurled these insults my way and I chose to maintain my distance from him as I had very wisely done last week after that huge fight.  What was that fight about? He was here and refused to meet me and then proceeded to not answer my calls for hours on end. Then when I called out for his attitude I was on the receiving end of

‘Agar tumhe lagta hai main tumhe torture karta hoon to main tumhe free kar raha

And after the stoic silence for a whole week

Main next month marriage karne ja raha

And all this yesterday night because I lost my cool at him. Why do I claim to love this man if I hurl the choicest insults his way? Is he that bad? Or I am the bitch here? Well God!!

Just like he claims I am unlovable I claim that he keeps hiding his life from me like he has something to hide always. Many nights his phone is engaged quite late in the night and he has no explanation other than network. For weekends he constantly goes AWOL and gives vague responses if I try to meet up or plan something. And the future… He knows we have no future yet refuses to let me foray on a path of my own. His words say ‘You move on’ Yet when I try, he goes to the extent of reprimanding me for choosing to have dinner with friends. Before him, I had no friends… Now I have some but they are all far….

I have always had a minimal social life but with him also its difficult to make plans. He chooses to keep his life in such wraps. He takes and post mortems my phone time and again. Yet he never gave him his to even click a picture… He is positively jumping if and when I have his cellphone in my hands even for a brief period of time. He claims he is not using social media yet shares stories from FB, Insta or twitter with heavily edited screenshots.

There were days when I trusted what he said. Yet I found him lying to me at the drop of a hat. I saw him rather caught him red handed in places he had no business being… With a woman I deeply loath to this day. He talks to women late at night and claims to be a universal problem solver. Yet somehow each of these women seem to fall in love with him and be crazy for him and chase him consistently. He has promised to maintain his distance many times in life yet he has been the one to initiate contact sometimes on the pretext of some professional reason, help or just plain old well wisher’s welfare check for me.

He says I am going to my hometown and asks me to take him to the airport. Yet catches a flight to someplace else. When the guilt is too much he confesses but does not want to be confronted. Openly claims to be my fiancée to all the people he meets in my circle – professional and personal both. Yet in his circles no one knows me. BTW we move in the same circles so from my end they know he is my fiancée and from his end they know he is single and looking for a homemaker wife… Pretty messed up, na?

He claims he wants me to move on and be happy in my life yet ends up at my weekend getaway to take me back home. He starts missing me as long as I am not there and yet claiming he never wants to connect with me again. If I take his word and start looking for a life partner, I will have to subject myself to an endless torture of ‘Comeback please’ or ‘Be happy always’. He is not one to give up his playthings easily. Even if I am married, he will want to keep in touch (!) and be the so-called agony aunt in my life. Seeing him makes me want to just hide myself in his embrace and forget everything. It has been my safe space for so long. I am willing to sacrifice our love for his commitment to his family values. Yet he wants me to give up mine and choose a life detrimental to my reputation and my mental peace.

All I asked for is a graceful goodbye and all I get is the choicest insults. The worst thing in all this is ‘He asked me to wait for him for all these years and now he is asking me to give up…. Now?? After all those wasted years of my youth and prime.’ He ridicules me for my looks and age when half the creases come from the sleepless nights he gifted me. The other half on his ridicules on my knowledge, looks, efforts for dressing up and self-improvement projects and the fact that nothing seems to work when it comes to him.

The fact that when I try to give up on him, he holds my hands tight and makes me come back. Yet when I ease into the comfort of being with him, he outright declares that I was alone and all this love and togetherness was just in my head. All he was doing was being a friend (!). His friendship makes me question what I know about friendship so far.

He invalidates my feelings, overlooks my efforts and yet when I want to gracefully ease out from his life he will be all

You have done a lot for me. I will never forget you.

My better judgement screams at me to walk away from this hell. Eventually he is going to say ‘No one asked you to stay’ Yet I wait for him to move on in his life. Sometimes I want to take some strong steps to throw him out of my life and keep him there. Yet when I remember he has been betrayed before like that, my heart goes out to him. I wanted to be a comfort in his life yet he claims I am a thorn!

Am I that bad, God? Am I actually unlovable? Do I not deserve what I asked for? Once again, I ask all these questions and they remain unanswered… as they have been from years and years of my life. Even if I believe the best of me, I am having a really hard time believing something best for me will eventually happen.

And then when someone asks me to calm down…… the turmoil within soars higher and screams ‘Hell No!!’

Moving in circles

 

Dear God

Sample this:

‘Congratulations on your court marriage!’

Groggy with sleep, I gently shifted Winky* and picked up the phone under the pillow to find this shocking piece of gossip. First things first: I am not married. Second this is the same person who yesterday promised to stay out of touch and maintain distance. Breakups are hard on people and no one else knows this more than me. I got to know firsthand how much I wanted to stay in touch with people I left behind or vice versa. But my mind and heart longed for a more wholesome and equal relationship.

If the person in question cannot give me that, there is no reason why I should continue this relationship. Now he may question my ability to thrive alone or reserve his apprehensions of a girl single in the city. But that would be MY PROBLEM. 

I have every right to give time to myself and think of a world where I am someone’s choice not an option. Its been years of wait with no fruitful result in sight. He just barges in and out of my life as he pleases. The thing is that now when I try to close the doors from inside he wants the master key.

He has somehow forgotten that my life is not a train for him where he can reserve a coup for life. Any relationship has to have two sides otherwise what is the point?

One day he promises me that he will drift apart gracefully because I deserve the right to move on. The other he tries to convey cryptic messages through sending and deleting or drunk dialing! If I let him back in my life now, it will be the same endless wait, the same busy weekends and the same coaxing and cajoling and brow beating for something as simple as sharing a cup of coffee in the evening.

I had been maintaining my distance and giving him space even though I missed him like hell. But this! This accusatory tone, this blaming me for having moved on, this gossipy piece … I don’t miss. Whatever happened to graceful goodbyes God?

It is super hard for me to find someone in this world of yours and I just want to give up. I am better off alone than be with someone who makes it so hard to be with him. I need not punish myself for falling in love with someone who does not know what love is… His warped ideas, his distance, his crass attitude and his constant blaming my attitude for all our problems is now getting on my nerves. I need some semblance of peace in my life God.

But when I try that he comes back with his promises and I fall prey to his charms once again. He makes me second guess every single bad thought I have had, his lack of commitment and our uncertain future. Many times, he said it out loud that we have no future. Yet he does not let go of me in the present. I need to spend some time alone before I can heal and maybe…. just maybe give a chance to someone. Yet I can’t promise that I will move on for good. Deep inside he knows if he calls I'll come back like a lovesick puppy. Why God? You gave me no sense of self-preservation when it comes to this person. I know this circle will sickeningly continue for You only know how many more years to come…

*Winky is my pet dog

 

The lessons of life (My take on the Physicswallah incident)

 

Dear Mate

The recent incident of a teacher hurling abuses at a student and threatening her of physical violence for showing some ahem purple love is doing the rounds these days. So is the half-hearted, not so well-meant apology he attempted. Now to those who are saying BTS is way above these petty attacks and ARMYs should just full on ignore this, the homophobic comments he passed at BTS are not the problem here.

The much bigger problem is the threats he tries to pass off as a mere scolding… Now a scolding would be along the lines of:

Do this and I will throw you out of the class or something like that which is perfectly acceptable since you are supposedly a teacher(!).

But we were shocked to hear words like:

Quote:

If you weren’t a girl, I would’ve grabbed your collar and slapped you. Your cheeks would’ve been swollen so much that you wouldn’t be able to say ‘BTS’…I would’ve punched you so hard your nose would start bleeding.

The video is so problematic that anyone with a sane mind would be uncomfortable and alarmed at the mental state of this person.

It just gives a message that it is wrong to have a successful, positive role model in your life if they do not conform to the society norms about masculinity. Moreover, it emphasizes that anything significant can only be achieved by doggedly pursuing academics and ignoring all other active interests in your life.

It is the same as classifying students who are passionate about their studies as nerds.

Speaking about the apology…,

It basically went like

I am stressed

Engaged all day in teaching and when I am not teaching I am making PPTs

Could not see the doubts other students were posting in the comment threads.

But my parents and wife pointed out that I was wrong.

Ok so you did not arrive on this conclusion on your own. You are saying sorry only because your family members think you are wrong. That too only after the incident went viral and even the Korean media took cognizance.

Some major a** saving there.

As a teacher, your job does not end at teaching the subjects. You are equally responsible for teaching the children the importance of having a well-balanced life. It is never wrong to have and discuss active interests. I leave you with the question:

If it was a couple of students discussing yesterday’s cricket match or world cup football for that matter, would your reaction be the same?

I don't think so!

Walk Alone VI

Dear God

What goes wrong every time I try to find love? I am not unlovable God, I have people in my life who are always there for me and who lift my spirits when I feel low. People who cherish and admire my strength and look forward to my advice all the time. People I wish I can be a good example to. I am a good person and You have time and again given me chances to prove that all through my life. Yet when it comes to lifelong commitment, I have no end in sight anytime soon, why?

At this point in my life, I have given up looking for love or companionship on the outside. Yet my life is graced with people who love and respect me unconditionally. Inside I still long for the special one and I know it is not going to happen.

So slowly I pick up the pieces every time and just try to move on with my life.

Yet it is never easy. The closures have so many lose ends and there are words which I still need to say or hear. Sometimes, actually all the times there are some things which are left midway and the ties are never cut completely.

Then they try to come back to the comforting cocoon that I am and I can no longer have them. For when I wanted to curl up into a ball in my life, I only had my fur babies for comfort. Its been ages since I slept in a house bustling with people.

People come and go in my home and it is a blessing that they do. For I love me time and the quietness it brings. Yet sometimes I long to share my life and day with someone…

Sometimes it feels like a mistake that I never actively tried the conventional matchmaking for getting me a companion. Yet whenever I think of carrying the chai ki tray and answering questions like ‘Khana bana leti ho?’ my mind just revolts.

Not to mention I am so scared of a person/family who will use me and my resources without due regard to my wishes for a true companion. The worst would be a long-distance relationship at this point of time.

I don’t want to be the man in the relationship and I want to be taken care of. Despite being strong I wish someone would treat me with gentleness and care. I would love that!! Yet whenever someone is in my life, they end up being pampered. While I be the provider and protector for them…

Now, I refuse to be that and so I deliberately choose this isolation and finally bid adieu to the hope of finding love. Let love find me if it is destined to be.

A Jumbled mind

 

Dear God

Am I bipolar? Manic depressive or eternal optimist? Someone to idolize or someone who has lots to improve? Someone sweet and gentle in her ways or a maniac? Someone who always looks at the bright side of things or someone whose glass is always on the empty side?

Here is a look into my troubled mind and the havoc it has been since yesterday:

Am I losing my mind sometimes I feel I am this positive happy person with a great self-image and then I wear myself out with self-deprecation. Struggling with both kind soothing words I say to myself and the filthiest possible insults I hurl I don’t know what I should think of me anymore!

Sometimes feel like manic depressive other times shining beacon of light

Sometimes shaking with rage other times calm in the face of all adversity

Is it just me or everyone feels like this once or many times in life

Who is the real me?

The obsessive maniacally suspicious girlfriend or the caring charming girl you guys look up to!

What triggers that and what motivates this... How do I get out of this rut and feel better?

How do I show you my best face when I am broken from inside and tough to stay whole outside?

With everything falling apart cant place finger on what’s wrong

Sometimes all wrong it seems sometimes everything seems right

Becoming a slave to my jumbled emotions; creating masterpieces of my misery

Confused as hell with no way out in sight

I fight everyday with all my might

Feeling this urgent need to save myself yet feel like the savior

Sometimes feel the world will keel if I so desire…

At times feeling helpless to change my own fate

At other times feeling like the masters of the universe.

I am a person of many faults and sins yet feel flawlessly innocent at times.

All this conflict behind closed doors, in public always smiling.

No one has any idea of the sleepless nights when I meet them like sunshine…

Am I happy and pretending sad or is it the other way round? Is my smile fake or my tears are shallow, no way to know? Am I really being unfair to someone and quick to judge? Or there is merit in my fears?

Am I intensely negative as people claim or I am all sunshine and daisies? Am I ever going to get out of this rut and feel light or will I be forever burdened with this isolation and the feeling of being alone forever?

Am I enough for myself or do I need this other person in my life? Do I help or harm?

Oh! the struggles of a mind which is slipping so fast into the deep dungeons of depression. Yet holds on tenaciously to the one little dangling root with all its might. Will it be saved from its horrors or will it sink; only time will tell.