Corporate Blues: Picking up the pieces

 Dear God 

So sometimes you accept your fate and move on!! Moving on from my previous predicament I ended up here... away from both my janmbhoomi and karmbhoomi. Everything just fell in place like the missing pieces of a puzzle coming together and now.... 

Within a very short time I have my place in the corporate world. My lost months taught me so many lessons... lessons I will always remember. 

Picking up the pieces of my situation, landing in this land unknown, making new friends and missing my fur babies like hell.

How does this happen God? How do I cope? Earlier when I moved, I had nothing but only bags to carry. Now I will have to pick up my whole grihasthi on my head and Heave Ho!! To this land of fish curry and rice.

Moving on is difficult as it is and now I have loss of people to cope too. I lost Sunita Aunty to an unknown illness yesterday. I just could not bear the thought that I will never see that smiling face again…. She will not call me Gudiya again and once again I am left in a void which will remain forever.

8 years have passed since I knew her and now….

Now I am here in an unknown land. I have a fresh set of predicaments to go through now. Hostel life is not very bad but here its total hell. The filth, the dirt, the mismanagement…

And when I want to attract the attention of the management towards it, the result of my efforts to improve the system haunt me. All I know is I can’t continue in this situation for long…

The recovery is well within my reach though!! Things will soon fall in place.

No room for self doubt

Dearest God

So my past life crimes have caught up to me...and that perhaps is the reason for all my predicament. Hmm...I see. Is it really that simple God? One life going so well no matter what they do ..and one down in the gutters. Only because of the past life. What happened to bygones be bygones? Or perhaps giving every single soul a chance to repent and reform. No such chance...eh. So only because of my past life I am suffering in this one? If this rings true, does it mean I have to stop all efforts to overcome my troubles. Give up the struggle and just passively face whatever fresh hell is in store for me? Or does it mean rely on fate with folded hands and just hope that everything will eventually be better as soon as the past is avenged!

No God, a big fat and firm NO!!!!!

Any karma good or bad should be avenged in the same life itself; no matter how grave the crime is. Nah? Otherwise I might lose interest in doing good…

My book of deeds is full of selfless acts and yet time and again I suffer!!

And then I think! ‘To each their own’ Even though my life is difficult and full of struggles, I am here for giving it my best shot. So many people do not have what I do. Ergo more power to me and You too.

You know what? I don’t care what my past life was, I have this one and it is enough. No matter why I am suffering today, I am sure I will make things better by my constant efforts. Till date, only my hard work kept me afloat and even now, it is this which will help me sail through.

I know I am taking a very big risk by doing this God. This risk though, is better than doing nothing.

This past life thing is nothing but a lame excuse per say. For those who are too tired or lazy to change their life. For those who are powerless and cannot stop people from taking opportunities to exploit their power, position, money etc.

So no matter what everyone says or does, I am here putting in my best efforts. Coz God, I have no room for self doubt. Absolutely none.

Coz like me, some people have to carve ways out of hell holes entirely on their own. 

# Cheap Thrills

 Dear God 

Sample this:

Scene 1 : A woman about to get engaged, a punjabi sad song playing in the background and suddenly the dame in question runs to the open arms of her ex standing right in front of her. 

Scene 2: A jethani with questionable motives and epic planning wishes to prevent her devrani from taking an exam (!).

Scene 3: A reality show where the judges are jumping like circus clowns doing antics well beneath their stature and dignity to show how the performances are extraordinary and never seen before. 

So much for creative direction... gone are the legendary shows like Swabhimaan and Shanti which gave us goosebumps with their plot twists. Gone are the technically sound Sa re ga ma and Boogie Woogie. Today's plot twists range from unplanned marriages to second marriages to forced marriages to bitter marriages to fake marriages...basically marriages. What are we trying to portray on prime time TV? ..That women are objects which can be bartered, exchanged, sold, manipulated or if all else fails sacrificed in the name of family honor. These are not the realities I want to see..these are not the values that should be visualized. Also the stereotypical career oriented modern woman with the heavy makeup and the arched eyebrows who just wants to snatch the man in question or get ahead in her career at the cost of her dignity and ethics?

Is it just me who slogged my a** off for years to get this job and worked day and night to secure a promotion? Why didn't I do it the way that is being slowly normalized by showing it on Prime Time TV? Snatch someone's influential husband and manipulate my way to the top! You know why? Because it is not normal. In the real world, career women also are full time mothers and they do full justice to their responsibilities. In the real world, women are proving their mettle at challenging and difficult jobs and get to go home to their monogamous husbands. In the real world, we don't have unhappy twisted marriages for all the wrong reasons. 

The real world is so different from these fake universes where everything just revolves around the kitchen. Actually it does not. Real life is filled of happy experiences and much love. There are some setbacks and difficulties that are part of life but I assure you, most of them do not revolve around snatching husbands, scheming in kitchens or manipulating simpletons into forced marriages. 

PS: The online content is so much better btw. 

Trips from hell: Happy women’s day

Dear God

Sample this:

You boarded a bus and you are trying to adjust your luggage. Suddenly the person sitting behind you starts shouting at the top of his voice claiming you have injured his foot. He is blissfully ignorant of the fact that he is encroaching into your designated space. Moreover, he has not adjusted the footrest. Yet he hurls a volley of abuses at you. While you struggle to make sense of the verbal vomit and the reason behind such behavior, his voice keeps crossing acceptable decibel levels.

Recently when I was on my way home, I encountered something very troubling. It makes me deeply concerned about the level it could escalate to. How fast a casual argument can turn into a slandering match or more if you are not careful with your words. It is alarming to say the least.

I was stunned by the fact that he was unnecessarily abusive and all set to take it to the next level. Maine to kuchh kaha bhi nhi. At that particular moment I was so scared and all I wanted was for the abuse to end. My only relief was my Papa who was about to board the bus soon.

That was the longest trip I have undertaken. Every moment took ages to pass. That night made me wonder how everyday life with that monster would be. I pitied the women in his life and prayed for his sister, mother, daughter and also hoped against hope that he does not have any women in his life to abuse or beat up.

The black and blue marks on a woman’s body are abuses we can see. But undermining her efforts, using derogatory words for her, name calling and making her feel less are some wounds no one can see. The silent tears a woman sheds in the dead of the night are a mortal sin on the part of the person causing them. There is no remedy for them too. Cases like Ayesha who jumped into the river Sabarmati with a smiling face remind us that we have a really long way to go.

As we struggle with cases of sexual assaults, domestic violence, rapes, acid attacks and all other physical forms of violence, we never know when we will be able to give our women the dignity, respect, space and love that they deserve.

The fallen woman II

Dear God

WTF!!!!

Ye kya tha? Nahin! Seriously Bhagwan ji kya tha ye?

For a person who claims to be an excellent judge of character, how could he go so wrong? So if I am travelling seated right next to someone, I might be having some crazy scheme to marry him! Is hisab se to duniya mein jitney bhi log bus ki seat par kisi ke bagal mei baithe honge unko alert ho jana chahiye.  Matchmakers delight…Just let the two people sit next to each other on a journey…problem solved.

God I am tired of these antiques. Here I was making a genuine effort to try and get some semblance of stability in my life. But any happy experience in my life has to come with a cost. There are things in my life which I don’t want to share with anyone…does that make me a devious person? What do I do to be finally understood, God?

Yesterday was amazing in many ways but everything just went down the drain after what he did. It is not his fault though…. The fault is all mine. I forgot I had no right to think of a life without him in it. Even if he is planning to get hitched to someone else within the coming months…Inspite of the fact that he has no plans to give me the dignity I always deserved. I should just soldier on? Be the Mirabai he always wanted me to be.

I lost everything God and now I have nothing to offer to anyone. Yet he claws at my very last attempt to have a stable and happy life. He was right, God. I will never find peace in my life. I am destined to be restless throughout my life. He said and I quote ‘Tum sukun ke liye tarsogi aur wo tumhei kabhi nahin milega!’

Nahi milega to n sahi.  I will still steer my life in the right direction. The one thing he fails to understand is that my life is not a rat race. I will do things but at my own pace and for my own reasons. I don’t want to rush into anything. If and when I do get hitched, I will make sure I have all my bearings in place.

Having said that God, there was no need for all this tamasha that happened. Please allow me to maintain the dignity of my situation and move forward with the grace I always had in me.

Love You, God. Help me!

Leap of faith : The road less travelled

 

Hi God!

This was meant to be a travelogue about a place I had visited recently but like every happy experience in my life this also comes with a huge price. A chance outing with some newfound friends and a very long drive. As he hurled abuses at me in the chat and I kept reading them I struggled to keep my tears to myself. Tumse kaun shadi karega…tumhare koi ek thodi hai… tum kabhi khush nahin rahogi…sukun ke liye tarsogi jo kabhi nahin milega…  Someday I will print the screenshots of all these abuses and throw it at his face.

The reason for this? I failed to ask him/ tell him. I asked mum if I could go and she said yes. But apparently it was not enough as I hadn’t asked him. Not to mention there was no guarantee if I asked him; he would have said yes. I did not tell him about the trip and that is true. But that was only because I trusted my judgement, was going to be absolutely safe. Moreover, I did not want to begin this long journey against his wish.

As he hurled the usual abuses at me, being in the car with 6 odd people there was nowhere I could go. Did I really lie, God? Was I hiding something from him? Am I really the devious, cunning person he accused me I was? Was he really on his way to my home to ask what he said he was going to ask? Was it true that what I wanted all along was within my reach and I lost it due to my own selfish motives? Was it wrong on my part to want to visit a new place?

God You know how I wish he could accompany me all the time wherever I go but at the same time I take my own decisions and retain my freedom. That much I will always retain. If I don’t tell him where I am or with whom maybe I don’t need to.

Sometimes great things are right within our reach and we just don’t seem to notice. As for Singrauli, it never ceases to surprise me. One such pleasant surprise was The Son Ghariyal Sanctuary* and Black Buck deer park*. The experience was once in a lifetime and yet it is blackened by the chat which I keep to remind me that this is the cost of my happiness.

Letter to Juliet Capulet*

 

Dear Juliet

As they say ‘Life goes on.’ When you were separated from your love Romeo through a cruel twist of fate, you chose to end your life and here I am! I chose life, Juliet. In your time, life was pretty simple for us their ladies. You fell in love, you got married and even if you did not you got married. As easy as that. We modern women have so much to think about and yet marriage matters. My love for him might not be as high and mighty as yours but love it is.

Love is when I try to build bridges between two universes which should have never co-existed in the first place. Love is when I am hoping against hope that with faith and time I can always correct wrongs. Love is when I welcome with open arms and let go as if it never existed. Love is when I get cheated and duped and yet have the courage to trust again, love again and get duped again. Love is when I pick up the pieces of my shattered life and learn to walk alone. Love is when I gather all the positivity of the world around me and walk with my head held high.

Love is when I sacrifice all the niceties of the world and chose the isolation. But modern love is never selfless.  It questions, it confronts, it ridicules and sometimes it walks away without turning back.

Juliet, my dear we walk away instead of pining in the dark. We withdraw our affections as soon as they are not returned. We see the love of our life choose someone else and join the celebration. We save our tears for later and show the world our dazzling smiles. Juliet not everyone is as lucky as you were. Love sometimes is not reciprocated, not returned. Love sometimes is disloyal Juliet.

Yet modern love takes pride in our bravery. Modern love sometimes makes you feel like Don Quixote charging at the windmills. Yet we fight this isolation, this abandonment. Juliet, you had allies and me…I am my only ally in this quest for love. The whole world asks me to be practical yet my heart holds on to the hope of being finally understood someday.

Why was life so simple in your time? You had one centre of your whole universe…. the love of your life. That too for the sake of simplicity was only one. There was no baggage from the past to wear you down. Your world revolved around just one…even mine does. But in ways unlike yours the centre of my universe keeps changing. Self-respect, independence, dreams, aspirations and ambitions suddenly replace the all-consuming passion of your life and times.

What went wrong Juliet in this quest of love…our quest of love. The dreams are still the same but they no longer need a prince charming on the white horse. Suddenly my heart wants to say ‘Look world! I can walk alone, exist alone and be alone without anyone by my side. Like all the girls out there, my heart yearns for love but with dignity. I wish you were here to tell me a way – one way where both these universes met. Where love and my dreams can peacefully co-exist. Will they? Only time will tell.

Love

Bhavana

*Note: This letter was inspired by the movie ‘Letters to Juliet’