The Illicit Relationship

THE PAST:

Tum massarrat ka kaho ya ise gham ka rishta

kehte hain pyar ka rishta hai janam ka rishta

hai janam ka ye rishta to badalta kyu hai

Meri Maa ka pura haq hai ki wo jahan chahe meri shadi kar saken aur ye haq mai unhe doonga!

Dear Ex

Before launching into a tirade about how a mother’s love is absolute and she has done so many sacrifices for us so it’s her right to do as she pleases. Of course, a mother’s love is absolute and unmatched. But guys manipulate this in the worse way possible.

The way you did when you chose to walk away from me and get married to a girl of her choice. You think you did the right thing.

Duh!!! It was wrong, all so wrong.

I’ll tell you why…

Firstly, she was kept in dark by you. You never told her about us…Oh Right! Word play…there was never an ‘us’. We never had a relationship, we had an arrangement.

Secondly, your mum is first and foremost a woman. She would completely understand how it is difficult for a woman to move on when she falls in love with someone; even when the person in question is thankless and selfish. Also callous, unfeeling and cold. People play with words but you played with my life. You saw me falling in love but never stopped me or had the good sense to step back.

Boys, if you are not planning to stay in a relationship, let the girl know. Let her take an informed decision. If you don’t do so, nothing you say or do later can undo the damage.

Scarred for life, that is what I am right now.

THE PRESENT:

Har jheel me pani hai, har ik jheel me lahrein

Fir sabke muqaddar mein kanwal kyu nahin hota

Qudrat ke usulon mein badal kyu nahi hota

Dear Love

Time and tide wait for none. Yet this chit of a girl dares to wait for you. I can wait all eternity too, for us. There is definitely an ‘us’. Once again the odds are not in my favour, they never were. Yet I choose to close my eyes and trust you.

A lot of people would say; I am committing the same mistake again. They can say this as the situation is an exact mirror image of the last one.

Yet, there is one thing different. The person I am with this time and for life; is different. Having seen my struggle through everything, you know what I have been through.

The sanctity of marriage and the absoluteness of it all is what I want. The only difference being, unlike the 99.99% janta out there, I will form this relationship only when I am ready to commit for life. I will commit myself to this only when and with whom I am ready. No one understands me the way you do. To me, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with is you.

What I wish to do for you, anyone can. But what you are for me, no one will ever be. You are what I have always wanted, always sought. For once in my life, I feel I found where I belong. I belong with you. You are my rightful place.

Yet you have never seen this through my eyes. There is no dignity in a relationship if it is not within socially acceptable limits. There is a ‘like a mother’, ‘like a sister’ but there never is ‘like a wife.’

The sanctity of marriage is unsurpassed, my love. I want the same for us, nothing less than that.

I love you.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Hazaron Khwahishen Aisi…

THE PAST:

Hazaron Khwahishen aisi ki har khwahish pe dum nikle

Bahut nikle mere armaan lekin fir bhi kam nikle

Flashback:

I was going to the market with my folks for some shopping. Obstinate that I was, I said,” Today I will choose a dress by myself.” “What makes you think you are old enough to do so?” Poof, all my confidence was gone and I learnt a valuable lesson. The one who pays for you is the boss, not you. That was the day I decided, one day I will be my own boss.

Present day me: “I want to buy a car.” “What makes you think you should go for such a high end model. Why not choose something economical?” The answer: “I get to choose the model because I am paying for it.” It’s time I had a say in my life and decisions.

We have a beautiful and amicable relationship. Only till I choose to be what they want me to be. The moment I assert myself, trouble looms large. Why can’t we raise children and let go of them at a time when they are grown up enough to make their own decisions. When you tell your child to be less ambitious, you are indirectly telling them to not aim high. Also you are questioning their ability to handle themselves. You have to tell them to reach the sky, not be content with climbing the attic. For the umpteenth time I am telling you, “I took the trip because it was much needed. I needed to be in the right frame of mind to face the world again. No matter what you say about it, I will never feel guilty for what I chose to do. It was by far the best decision of my life.”

Like this one…my first car. I don’t know if I will be able to convince you on this one. Or like the trip I took, I will have to bear the brunt later. Whatever I choose to do, I will know that I chose right. For sometimes in life, you have to take a stand for yourself and what you believe in.

THE PRESENT:

Kaisi lat, kaisi chahat kahan ki khata

Bekhudi me hai dilbar khudi ka maza

Thank you is such a small word and yet when it comes to the two of us – spoken so many times and in so many ways.

I thank God every single second of my existence that I got to know you and be with you. Through you I understood myself and saw myself in a new light. I got to know that I have a right to be happy, to expect great things for and from myself. You and your faith in me made me unsurmountable.

All my life, I have been clouded by self-doubt. Was I too selfish, too ambitious, too practical, too…much basically. You taught me it’s all right once in a while to think of myself. It’s absolutely fine if I want to have a good life for myself too amongst all things. You taught me to lighten up and enjoy life.

Thank you for everything, my love.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty.  

Marriages, Marriages - What I expect from matrimony

THE PAST:

Hamre sajanva hamra dil aisa toden,Wo ghar banayen hamka rasta ma chhoden

Jaise ki lalla koi khilona jo pave,Due char din to khele fir bhool jawe

Ro bhi na payen aisi gudia na keejo, agle janam mohe bitiya na keejo

Dear Ex

‘Inko bas ek naukar chahiye jo inke ghar ke sare kaam karta rahe. Isliye shadi karna chahti hain.

Your words reflect your thinking and the way you perceive a working woman. By working you mean a girl who attends office. But to me, every woman is a working woman. Just because a woman is confined within the limits of home does not make her any less so. And to your statement above, the answer is a loud and vehement NO!! No, I am not looking for a ramu kaka in marriage. Don’t you think marrying someone for the sole purpose of household work is a bit shallow? Not a bit, actually it is the shallowest possible thing you can think of. Yet I have seen boys getting married and saying it out loud that Koi ghar dekhne wala nahin hai.

Also, if you think bringing groceries to your own home can make you a Ramu Kaka, I would also be the Shanta Bai who cooks, cleans, washes clothes and does everything else for you. This Shanta Bai could also offer tuition to your children. Howzzat? Anyway!

When I thought of marrying you, I was only thinking of a life full of dignity and bliss. I was not selfish when I thought so, in fact I was prepared to sacrifice anything and everything required to make it work. You could have been the happiest person on earth and I am not exaggerating. Yet if you chose to give it all away, so be it. I have no regrets. The loss is all yours.

THE PRESENT:

Ae hamnava mujhe apna bana le; sukhi padi dil ki is zameen ko bhiga de

Kab se mai dar dar fir raha; Musafir dil ko bana de

Tu awargi ko meri aaj thehra de

Carnal right!! Is that all? Is that really all one should look for in a marriage? Is that how you chose to perceive about me? Is that all you know about me after all this time? Is that really all I am looking for and expecting from marriage? Chalo let me address this once and for all…

When I think of marriage, I imagine and expect an eternal friendship. Two people pitted against the whole wide world. Two people Always together through thick and thin, sickness and health, for rich or poor. Two people who look in the same direction. Two people who slowly and steadily build and maintain a loving home. Two people who represent their families, their culture, and their values. Two people who are meant to be with each other beyond eternity. Or at least as long as they both live.

Marriage to me has always held sacredness, a reverence, exclusivity and a surety. Marriage defines man woman relationship in the most beautiful way possible. When I ask you to marry me, I want all that for us and more. I wish we share that bond, I wish our friendship gets strengthened by this bond, this togetherness, this understanding.

Not to forget, children – The most beautiful and important part of it all. Flesh of our flesh, our blood. Yes, I wish I could be a mother someday. I don’t know how good I would be but to be able to hold a part of me in my arms would surely be something.

Marriage to me means respect and reverence for a person. A feeling unsurpassed and never felt before. A loyalty so fierce that not even dreams can deny it. Marriage means waking up next to a person for the rest of your life and looking forward to it. To me that person is you, only you.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The homecoming of the outlaws – III

THE PAST:

Use kuchh na kehna wo toota hua hai

Pathaar ke but sa deewana mila hai

Every great relationship thrives on 4 things – time, patience, sacrifice and faith. Is that why my relationship with myself is troubled? I lost faith in me. Lost my trust in my ability to form loving, caring relationships and retain them. The ones I got by virtue of my birth endure me somehow but then no one else can. The ones who tried have made it worse by giving up on me. They openly declare – I am not worth it. By saying this they reinforce the belief that I can’t make it.

I have come a long way and yet feels like I haven’t moved an inch. Everything is just the same. Nothing changed. My belief that I will never be able to do full justice to a relationship is still there. Something nags in the back of my mind – I will never be able to do this. I will never be someone who is easy around people. This homecoming is awkward to say the best. The loneliness appals me yet I know if I try to curb it, it will get worse. I have given up on it a long time back. I lost this battle a very long time back.

My subconscious knows it so well. There is no hope for people like me. We have a hard time explaining why we do what we do. When we do explain, no one understands. That is what hurts the most. No one has got the kind of patience required to cure this one.

There were times when I waited in vain for someone to be with me, to appreciate what I am. To look beyond my skin, age, weight, height and complexion and discover the person I am. No one did and the hope died slowly. Now nothing you say or do will be able to revive it, now or ever.

I know you quit trying long time back.

THE PRESENT:

Fir se lage duniya bani, mahke zameen tere karan

Pahle kahan aisi thi mai, mai hun hansi tere karan

Thank you..Thank you…Thank you. Your faith, your patience, your time and all the sacrifices you made for me have finally made me believe – we are meant to be. We are together and we will always be. You and your firm handling of my vices led me to believe I am not all that bad. The little goodness I have in me has revived the hope that I can retain this relationship. My motherly instincts, my caring ways and my tenderness all come alive for you. I almost do not recognise the person I have become with you. For the first time in my life, I feel sure of someone and sure that your trust in me can work the wonders. What a journey, my love. Incredible to say the best! I am sorry for all the hardships you endured for me. I am sorry for all those harsh words I hurt you with. I am so sorry that I have inflicted so many blames on you. Baseless all of them! Every single second from the day I met you, I thanked God that I have you in my life. Every time you did something for me, I thanked you for you are always there. I never expressed it before but secretly wished you would endure the test of time. So you did and my trust is well rewarded.

I will move mountains for you if you ask. Right now, let me just build you this beautiful relationship, our beautiful relationship.

I love you.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The Sick One

THE PAST:

Wo mera dost bhi hai dushman bhi

Bad dua dun use magar na lage

‘Where is the cure? Everyone seems to be worried about eliminating the symptoms. Taking precautions doesn’t cure the actual disease. It actually exists hidden out of sight. Disease free and shiny from the outside but inside it’s all still there.’

-      Niketa Singh in Every time it rains

Dear Moms of the world

Are you done checking your precious son’s phone and chat records? What? He did not let you…Hmmm As expected. Smart Ass him. We women are a naïve lot Maa. We believe everything we are told. Even if we suspect otherwise!

So I also made the same mistake as you. I believed when he said he will always love me. I believed the false promises made with no intention to follow through. I believed the false sense of security he inculcated in me. Now I know the truth. I know it never existed – the love he was so sure of.

The sweet, innocent boy next door is a beast in reality. He is capable of shattering a person and her confidence by just a word. A word is all it takes Maa. A simple two letter word which says I am no good. The worst thing that happened to me is – I believe it. I believe every word he said. He said I am incapable of taking care of a family; I am lost in my own world. I have my own things to cater to and have no space or patience for any other relationship. I am a self-obsessed narcissist who cannot see beyond herself.

For me a husband is just a trophy to decorate around the house, not a life partner. I don’t need a husband as such. In his opinion, only the damsels in distress need rescuing. Not someone like me.   

I believed him when he said all those sweet nothings, Maa. There is no reason why I will not believe him now.

Good luck to me.

THE PRESENT:

 Koi humdum na raha, koi sahara na raha

Hum kisi ken a rahe, koi hamara na raha

Dear love,

Broken hearts can never heal my love. I will forever bear the battle scars of my past and I will have to live with that. Thank you to you for your patience. I am amazed at your ability to bear it for so long. You should have dashed to the door on the double a long time back. I would be lying if I say I am expecting otherwise. Yet you chose differently. The trust you place in me even after I treat you so overwhelms me. It makes me believe a different life, a different future. It makes me believe I have a fair chance at choosing a different life. It makes me believe I am worthy of a different life than what I had. Your faith, your love, your patience and your time – all that I get from you is all I need to be whole again. All I need to be happy again, all I need to be able to trust again. This eternal promise of being forever together is all it takes to bring out the best in me.

Hang in there my life. I will bring you out of this hellhole.

Love you, hamesha.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The Half Life

THE PAST:

hazaron khwahishen aisi ki har khwahish pe dum nikle 

bahut nikle mere armaan lekin fir bhi kam nikle 

Dear Ex

Our relationship…a half full glass of water holds much more than what it held in store for me. A clandestine one at that… I still remember the stealth with which all our dates were planned. How carefully you avoided being seen with me in public. I still hate the way you asked me to keep mum about it. On the pretext of not compromising with my reputation, you made sure no one believed me if I ever said anything against you. In vain I trusted you and thought that you were well aware of the sacrifices on my part. In vain, I believed I was a girl fit to take home and share a life with. In vain, I tried to domesticate myself and estrange my friends. In vain, I believed in you and the promises you made to me. In vain for all this time I kept the flicker of hope alive.

There was no guarantee whenever we met if and when you will come back to me. Yet I put my life, my dreams, my future, my feelings and myself on line.

After you left, I have had the hardest of times believing I was decent; not fallen. Not characterless only because you took advantage of me. I had the hardest time believing I was manipulated to suit your interest. Not the other way round. I have had nightmares after you left; I was so sad and forlorn when you abandoned me. Abandoned is the word…That is what I felt all the time when I was with you. Abandoned and moored like a ship at the dock.

You are gone and I am picking up the pieces now. I am trying to think of a way to bring me out of it. I am trying to believe I deserve a fair chance. I am trying hard to forget the way you disregarded me and my feelings. The way you have hurt me, it will take ages to heal. I don’t know what I did to deserve this…   

   

THE PRESENT:

Chahton ka maza faslon me nahin

aa chhupa lun tujhe hauslon me kahin

Fortune favors the brave. So I decided to be brave and for once in my life asked for what I wanted. It’s all out in the open now. I have finally spoken aloud what I want in life and what I wish for in a relationship. This time, I refuse to back down. This time I will fight to finish. This time I will not keep mum. I will tell everyone about us, I will speak openly about my dreams and my expectations. I will expect you to commit yourself to me the same way I did. I will refuse point blank to back down and I will know deep that I am right. I have a right to believe in my goodness and that I deserve good. In fact, I deserve it all.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The false alarm Aka The Rumour Mill

THE PAST:

Hamne chhoda zamana jinhe paane ke liye

Lo! Wahi chhod chale hamko zamane ke liye

Every message I sent, every post I liked, everywhere I went…you watched me like a hawk. Or worse still, had a long, really lengthy argument about how I was a decent girl and this kind of behaviour (!) was not expected of me.

So you saw me at the restaurant, having coffee with a colleague. Big Deal!! The way you reacted, your aversion to me having a social life outside our relationship was evident on your face. Suddenly I was the fallen woman, a woman who has committed an unthinkable sin akin to the C word : C-H-E-A-T-I-N-G. Grow up, buddy. That’s all I have to say. This is not the medieval age and there is no need to be territorial. I was surely not when you flaunted your college sweetheart all over the place. Showing her around, I caught you clicking some selfies. I never even mentioned it to you.

So why can’t I expect the same tolerance from you. Why do you have to react to every single rumor about me? Why do I have to be apologetic about every ping on my WhatsApp or every movie I watch in the theater when you are not with me?

Why is it that you expect me to duck into the house and not go out even on weekends? Why can’t I see like-minded people or people I happen to know in a perfectly respectable setting? Why do I have to explain every single chat in my mailbox? Or every single time my phone is busy?

I bore the brunt of your accusations for so long and now I break free. I will have a cup of coffee or watch a movie if I feel like…with or without you.

Take it or leave it…Wait I forgot…You already left.

THE PRESENT:

kisi ka sath na chhodna ye soch kar

ki us ke pas hai kya tumhe dene ke liye

Bas ye soch kar sath dena

Tumhare siva kuchh nhi uske pas

Ab khone ke liye

Dear Love

Thank you for the trust you place in me. Thank you for being my ultimate support and my shield too. I love the way you dismiss every single stupid assumption people make about me. Being single in a city is a tough thing baby. I am glad you are not pestering me with constant updates about my whereabouts because I can be anywhere. Plans are made out of the blue and at random. People happen to call on my house or I have to go somewhere. Sometimes I have to plan impromptu trips home or wherever the latest commitment is. I love it that you let me go on a trip all by myself and never even asked where I was going…

I love it when you never question the need to attend a childhood friend’s wedding. I love it when you trust me enough to let me go. I love the faith that I belong to you wherever I may go.

Love you…

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Promises, Promises….

THE PAST:

Aisa koi zindagi se vaada to nahi tha

Tere bina jeene ka irada to nahin tha

For all the words spoken between lovers, there are a few which are always unique…promises. They are there in the beginning and they are there at the end as well. Every relationship entails a certain level of commitment and promises have a funny way of doing that.

Take a look:

‘I promise I will always love you…

‘I promise no one will be able to take your place in my life…

‘I promise I will always be happy…

‘I promise I will move on…

And so on and so forth. God, the depravity it entails. The elusiveness of it all! You know your heart is breaking, your soul is shattered and it will be a long time before you feel Ok. Yet you make a promise ‘I will be happy.’ Happiness…

You are getting a divorce and as you sign the dotted line, the promise of loving someone forever shatters. How can someone just forget the words spoken upon their honour and just take everything away.

Or the time when you cheat in a relationship…No one will take your place but someone will be more than you are!! Twisted to say the best.   

PS: I stopped believing in them a long time ago for they are all meant to be broken.

THE PRESENT:

People have so many ways of binding themselves to each other. Promises by far are the best. 

When you promise something to someone, you give away a part of yourself to them. This time for the keeps…

It’s a beautiful thing to stand by your words through the tide and test of time. It’s an amazing feeling when you look at yourself in the mirror and know that you are a person of honour. It’s a heady thing to know that you are and you will always be a class apart. Totally out of this world!! For you when committed, leave no stone unturned to fulfil your commitment.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty.