The Horror Story

Dear God

हमने मुहब्बत के नशे में उसे 'खुदा' बना डाला

होश तो तब आया जब उसने कहा कि खुदा किसी एक का नहीं होता 

       - मिर्ज़ा ग़ालिब 

Possessive – is that how you define me? All I wanted was an exclusive relationship. God, it is amazing how men compartmentalize everything. One for having fun, one for sharing daily troubles, one for serious philosophical discussions about life, one for having light conversations and one permanent fixture aka wife.

Why do You do that? Oh wait, you started it all. 60,000 wives, endless concubines and one girlfriend. Explains a lot!

People hide behind the word ‘Just friends’ a lot. Your commitment phobic crowd can stretch a relationship for years. Drop the commitment bomb and they will say; ‘We are just friends. You were delusional to think or expect more.’

They can have a relationship, even children without giving them their name. They shamelessly abandon them and form new bonds. How come they don’t feel guilty? A lot of crimes against women are committed to cover clandestine relationships.

The legendary lovers of the past tell a different story. But that is what it is – just a story. No man has ever set eyes on only one woman. They tend to go astray. Women wait, shed tears and keep hoping that their hard work will pay off in the end. Alas, does not often happen.

On top of that, they have to fend off the unwanted attention of other men while you are away. Even when in a relationship, they ask for a lot of compromises. When they leave us, they expect us to wait. If meanwhile someone else catches our interest, we are labeled as fiddle and untrustworthy. So many stories are built around women and their inability to keep your trust. When ideally they should mention all the soliciting we endure in our daily lives.

I hope and pray for a better future God. A future where loyalty and exclusivity take the driving seat… and commitment accompanies them on the journey of love.

Miles Apart.....

Dear Love

बिछड़ा कुछ इस अदा से कि रूत ही बदल गई

इक शख्स सारे शहर को वीरान कर गया

Miss you....two words which convey so much and yet hide it all. They never mention the number of times I smiled today when I thought of you. Can’t tell how many times giggles were suppressed when I remember your mischievous streaks. The times when eyes were filled with tears when the fights were recalled and words reanalyzed. There was a day when you told me - every great relationship thrives on four things - time, patience, love and sacrifice. 

This is sacrifice on my part. I know that you have no future here. I know that one day you will move and I will be left behind. You talk of taking me with you. It is a far- fetched dream but I don’t want to burst your happy bubble. I know it is not possible. My life is here. It will always be.

The one thing I can promise you is- I will never lean on you for financial or emotional security. I love you and I am willing to let you go. I will always be a support, never a burden. This is what I have done all my life and this is what I will do now.

I have always been in self-made, self-driven relationships. I secretly dream of a relationship where I would be laid back and relaxed. But somehow I have always had so much turmoil, struggle and unfulfilled commitments. All my happy moments are because of me. I created them.

I wait for the day when you will achieve your target and be at your rightfully earned place. But in my heart I know – that would also be the day when I would have to let you go. A new world, new attractions and new people will await you. There will be no place for the past when that takes over. But promise – look back and you will find me. Always!

#Vellapanti

This is the age of bhayankar networking. The whole world has become a web and all are connected to each other in atrangi ways. Take facebook: friend, mutual friend, mutual friends’ mutual friend – it is an endless stream of people connected for no rhyme or reason. Take whatsapp: created to connect people who know each other. Nowadays it is not uncommon to receive 100+ ‘Good Morning’ messages as soon as you open your eyes.

Today when I opened mine, a shock was waiting for me. Someone messaged in the middle of the night ‘Hi!’ I checked the number and the DP…failed to recognize and enquired who are you and why are you messaging me? The reply simply bowled me over. Your number was saved in my phone so I chose to contact you.  Ok. So once upon a time this number belonged to someone he knew. So it means he is free to disturb the person owning the number now without due regard to my privacy.

Ideally he should have backed off when I mentioned I am not the person he was looking for. Instead I get ‘Naraz hain kya aap?’ I get that a lot when I refuse to connect to strangers and refuse to reveal information about myself. Just because I refuse to be a part of this mad rush of connecting left, right and centre I have been labeled as Naraz.   Abe Bhai, naraz nahin hun, samajhdaar hun.

Tub ho hota to aadhi raat ko kisi anjan ko message karne ke bajaye shanti se so raha hota.  People fail to understand. Just because you have someone’s whatsapp number does not mean you have to send a message. It is not mandatory, Bhai. Chill. Ek good morning message kam hone se kayamat nahin aa jayegi.  Everyone who is reading this- please respect someone’s privacy. Please respect personal space.

There is nothing wrong with people who do not want unnecessary ting, ting, ting every five seconds on their mobile phones.

PS: get a life, dude!

The Grass on the other side

Dear God

रंज से खूगर हुआ इंसान तो मिट जाता है रंज

मुश्किलें मुझ पर इतनी पड़ीं कि आसां हो गईं

I have been going on and on and on about me..my life, my problems, my miseries. Last night you gave me an insight into the grass which I thought was greener. Yes I am talking about someone I know. I don’t want to name her. Yesterday we had a heart to heart and suddenly I realized I was not the only one suffering. Life is not a bed of roses for anyone. Yet some people choose to keep it so well covered. Maybe I can do the same. Put my best foot forward and dazzle the world with my smile.

I never knew a casual discussion about forgetful BAEs could lead to this. She started by saying Khud me khush raho. Khud ke liye khud socho aur karo.  I wonder what the story would have been if she too had other people in her life. Would he still accept her back with open arms? Maybe not!

It is never easy for a small town girl to carve her own place in big cities. There is so much to learn, so much to prove.  I love the way my small town Cinderella transitioned into the beauty queen. So much for appearances! It made me realize one more thing; self improvement and self love is important. She had the guts to live in with a guy and the audacity to leave him and go when he failed to make a life-long commitment. The courage to walk away has made all the difference in her life.

I love the way she said to me, “  Wo nahin bhi hota to kya? Meri life to hai aur bahut lambi hai.”  

Luckily the story has a happy ending.

Walk Alone III

Dear God

एक रिश्ते में रह कर भी अकेले रहने से बड़ा अकेलापन कहीं नहीं है

If I say so myself, abandoned seems to be my middle word. So is over-thinking, paranoid and depressed. Really? What should I do to change this thing? Determined as I am, I am still searching for that one thing which will make me feel alive again…Oh wait! I already have that…him. I am struggling God since a really long time. I am constantly struggling with my feelings, my anger, my self- image and this sinking feeling of abandonment. I wished to be independent but I have never felt more dependent than before.

A couple of weeks back, my relationship hit an all time low and BAE was seriously considering calling off the whole thing. Break up…a much dreaded word had cropped up in our conversation. I was all set to let go of him with a heavy heart and spent one night crying my eyes out. It was then that I realized that no matter what we do or say, he is the one my heart has sheltered. Yet because of my insecurities, I had come to this point where he was forced to let go of me to save him.

He threw me a lifeboat in the morning saying I have another chance. I am over the moon for his generosity. Yet when I look back I see so much of yearning. Why? I want to be strong enough to let go of him. I want to be fearless and say I need a break. I can’t. I am afraid the moment I say so, he will start doubting my loyalty. I am loyal. I just want to be strong enough to let go of him. Being in a relationship has never been a bed of roses for me. I want it to be simple and effortless. I want light hearted conversations, sharing inside jokes, laughing together. I wish for a relationship with a hell lot of communication. I wish for being in touch. I want to be able to share the details of my day at the end of the day. I wish he is interested in my family and friends. I wish we share hopes, dreams, fears and ambitions with each other. I wish we support each other in our endeavors. I wish he believes in me more. I wish for more appreciation.

Many times I was accused of wanting to be the center of attraction and his topmost priority. Who wouldn’t want it? I just want him to think of me sometime if not all the time. I just don’t want to be pushed back all the time. There are two people in this relationship and one of them is constantly missing. I wish for one day when he is there for me the way I am. Always…Is something wrong with me God? You tell me.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Old Wine and Old friends…

Dear Readers

Please don’t misunderstand the title. Ghaliban I don’t drink. I just had an online reunion with one of my oldest friends; school friend. Ah school! It seems ages ago. What a catching up it was! We talked so much about our years gone by. She is a blogger, writer and soon-to-be mother. Here is her blog link by the way:

https://creativefolkaristabyanjali.blogspot.com

With a baby on the way, she took a well deserved break from work. This chance reunion taught me so much about myself. It is amazing that she remembers me after all this while. We connect like there was no gap in between…I must have done something right while we were together. Many times, many of my old school friends reach out to me. Time and again, we talk.

I love her vivacity. She has this refreshing take on everything. Be it live-in relationships, unwed mothers or the position of women post marriage.

I love the way she handles her new life and responsibilities with so much zeal and fervor. Her never ending enthusiasm is contagious.

Every woman has her own little struggles in life. Each one of us has to prove a point at some stage in our life. Whether it is the stability of our relationships, our loyalty to a certain someone or our families, the balance desired from us in our personal and professional life. We are constantly trying to prove ourselves to the world. It’s a relief to know that I am not the only one struggling.

I want to Thank You God for my life and my journey so far. Most of all, Thank You for people like her who made the journey worthwhile.

Leap of faith

Dear God

मेरे जज़्बात का तू साज नहीं सुन सकता, क्यूँ मेरे प्यार की आवाज़ नहीं सुन सकता

बंद होठों से जो इक बात कही थी मैंने, तुझको अब तक मेरी उस बात का एहसास नहीं

Same mistake again! One slip of tongue and we are back on warpath. Worse still, he was here and refused to even let me know. You know what makes it unbearable? The other woman! One woman whose presence in his life haunts me, drives me mad, torments me to the point of delusion and violence. Why? You might ask.

Sixth sense…this damsel is never in distress God. She only pretends! I am afraid for him. Afraid for the faith he placed in her. Afraid of the rapport they share, afraid of the rumors about them. I am afraid of the fact that even marriage could not put a stop to her shenanigans. ‘Just Friends’ is a much abused word God. You bear witness to so many failed relationships where people refused to part ways. ‘Friends’ is the word which they use to disguise their horrid tales of disloyalty to their partners.

Kill me, God. I don’t want to bear witness to this. Else drive her away for good. Open his eyes and make him see the reality for once. I have never felt this antagonized to anyone. Why only her?

He is a better human being than most of the people, but he is still human. I want to believe the best of him. I believe him. But my past haunts me…

Yet here I am. I decided to take a leap of faith. I trust You God and I trust him. I believe You have my best interests at heart and one of these days, I will have the peace I miss right now. Amen.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The Lover’s Tiff

Dear God

Picture this:

Scene 1:

‘Your loved one is really angry with you for some reason. He hurls the choicest abuses at you. At first you try to reason out with him but to no avail. Lastly you just let him take it out and listen in silence as he rambles on. Next day, he says sorry and you move on.’

Scene 2:

‘You are really angry with him for some reason. As you ramble on; before you can control it, an abusive word just slips out of your mouth. There is silence at both ends of the line now. Then cut. Ring up again and you find out that you are blocked. You can’t reach out now. So you just wait. Wait for the anger to subside and wait for him to take you back.’

God, these two situations are never equal. How come he can get away with verbal even physical abuse and how come I feel guilty even at one abusive word? Let alone a sentence or allegation. Am I weak? Am I an emotional fool?

The worst part is when you try to bring up his behavior later, he will act innocent. Or worse, push the whole thing under the bed. Or he would act all defensive and say it was totally my fault. My fault? My only fault here is that I fell in love with a man weaker than myself. That’s right. You are weak because you can’t find the generosity to forgive even one fault.

This is not a ‘who is a better human being’ match though. I brought it up because I long for some stability in life. How can I feel safe when I know even one wrong foot can lead to total isolation. Love is all about the freedom to say anything and everything. Yet I have to choose my words carefully. Or pay the price of slips of tongue and meaningless words said in the heat of the moment. Point is; I can never relax.

So what should I do? Should I always be a happy person? Or always the bigger person no matter what? May be I should. But maybe you should too. Why do I constantly live in the fear that one wrong word and it will be as if we never existed. Why are you so sure that no matter where you go, you will find me waiting? I feel threatened and isolated. I miss you when we can’t talk. I pray for a more stable relationship or else the courage to stay away when you chose to part ways.