Walk Alone III

Dear God

एक रिश्ते में रह कर भी अकेले रहने से बड़ा अकेलापन कहीं नहीं है

If I say so myself, abandoned seems to be my middle word. So is over-thinking, paranoid and depressed. Really? What should I do to change this thing? Determined as I am, I am still searching for that one thing which will make me feel alive again…Oh wait! I already have that…him. I am struggling God since a really long time. I am constantly struggling with my feelings, my anger, my self- image and this sinking feeling of abandonment. I wished to be independent but I have never felt more dependent than before.

A couple of weeks back, my relationship hit an all time low and BAE was seriously considering calling off the whole thing. Break up…a much dreaded word had cropped up in our conversation. I was all set to let go of him with a heavy heart and spent one night crying my eyes out. It was then that I realized that no matter what we do or say, he is the one my heart has sheltered. Yet because of my insecurities, I had come to this point where he was forced to let go of me to save him.

He threw me a lifeboat in the morning saying I have another chance. I am over the moon for his generosity. Yet when I look back I see so much of yearning. Why? I want to be strong enough to let go of him. I want to be fearless and say I need a break. I can’t. I am afraid the moment I say so, he will start doubting my loyalty. I am loyal. I just want to be strong enough to let go of him. Being in a relationship has never been a bed of roses for me. I want it to be simple and effortless. I want light hearted conversations, sharing inside jokes, laughing together. I wish for a relationship with a hell lot of communication. I wish for being in touch. I want to be able to share the details of my day at the end of the day. I wish he is interested in my family and friends. I wish we share hopes, dreams, fears and ambitions with each other. I wish we support each other in our endeavors. I wish he believes in me more. I wish for more appreciation.

Many times I was accused of wanting to be the center of attraction and his topmost priority. Who wouldn’t want it? I just want him to think of me sometime if not all the time. I just don’t want to be pushed back all the time. There are two people in this relationship and one of them is constantly missing. I wish for one day when he is there for me the way I am. Always…Is something wrong with me God? You tell me.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty.