The Lover’s Tiff

Dear God

Picture this:

Scene 1:

‘Your loved one is really angry with you for some reason. He hurls the choicest abuses at you. At first you try to reason out with him but to no avail. Lastly you just let him take it out and listen in silence as he rambles on. Next day, he says sorry and you move on.’

Scene 2:

‘You are really angry with him for some reason. As you ramble on; before you can control it, an abusive word just slips out of your mouth. There is silence at both ends of the line now. Then cut. Ring up again and you find out that you are blocked. You can’t reach out now. So you just wait. Wait for the anger to subside and wait for him to take you back.’

God, these two situations are never equal. How come he can get away with verbal even physical abuse and how come I feel guilty even at one abusive word? Let alone a sentence or allegation. Am I weak? Am I an emotional fool?

The worst part is when you try to bring up his behavior later, he will act innocent. Or worse, push the whole thing under the bed. Or he would act all defensive and say it was totally my fault. My fault? My only fault here is that I fell in love with a man weaker than myself. That’s right. You are weak because you can’t find the generosity to forgive even one fault.

This is not a ‘who is a better human being’ match though. I brought it up because I long for some stability in life. How can I feel safe when I know even one wrong foot can lead to total isolation. Love is all about the freedom to say anything and everything. Yet I have to choose my words carefully. Or pay the price of slips of tongue and meaningless words said in the heat of the moment. Point is; I can never relax.

So what should I do? Should I always be a happy person? Or always the bigger person no matter what? May be I should. But maybe you should too. Why do I constantly live in the fear that one wrong word and it will be as if we never existed. Why are you so sure that no matter where you go, you will find me waiting? I feel threatened and isolated. I miss you when we can’t talk. I pray for a more stable relationship or else the courage to stay away when you chose to part ways.