The Warrior Princess

 

Dear God

Sample this :

Hi! My name is Bhavana ‘Nothing seems to work anymore’ Sagar.

NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK seems to be my middle name these days God.

Thank You for a birthday surrounded by friends and family. Actually, just dad and a few children and an amazing evening with two of my besties. A welcome surprise which I arranged for myself as always. Work issues are yet to be resolved and so far, nothing seems to work. I am not so sure how to go about achieving what I want. This is an unexpected setback in my otherwise mundane life.

It is amazing how we go about life assuming everything will always be as it is now and Wham!! In my case double WHAM if you count whatever I have in the name of a relationship. Sometimes in life we have to pull the plug on something which is not working out anyhow.

The funny thing is when I do so someone is always there to re-block it and not let me escape. I have been through so many permutations combinations for a solution that I no longer know what I need to do anymore.

What the fuck do these people even want? What the heck do I need to do? Aside for post mortem of my situations and deep endless criticism of my ways (!) I have so far achieved nothing.

It is one of your Christmas miracles that I still have my sanity and my sense of humour intact. Otherwise, I would be one grumpy little bag of mean remarks. Thank You for that too. In the immortal words of Jahangir Khan from Dear Zindagi ‘Sirf difficult option option nhi hota hai. Kabhi kabhi easy option bhi option hota hai kyunki wo easy hai.’

Tell me one thing God… Why do I always land in soups no matter how far I take myself. No one has any idea of my journey yet everyone seems to know my destination.

Leaving it to You has so far never yielded any solutions God.

Please get me out of this soup that my life has become. I want a fresh start, a new beginning and just bid adieu to all this rotting hell.  

Homecoming of the outlaws: Rewind, repeat and recharge

Dear God

Life has taken a 360 degree turn these days. I have gotten a golden chance to go back home for extended periods of time, reconnect to old friends, spend time with my sweet little niece and once again a chance to look forward to new avenues ahead.

Thank You!! Thank You for the chance to recharge my life again with people who used to be a part of my life in yesteryears. These are people I have known since more than a decade now. Amazing how life came full circle. During the years that went by, we all have loved and lost. Some of us got lucky and I got to meet the new addition to our family.

Then of course, the subtle hints at my loveless life and people trying to Ahem…. get in. It is amazing how my friends believe the grandeur of my life is a façade. Nah…it isn’t. I am single, not ready to mingle. Is it like that hard to believe that a person can live, breathe, exist and be happy on their own?

And that proverbial gory pictures of the future… Abe Ja!

If that was true then there would be no vriddhashrams in the world and no one would be dumping old members of their families left, right and centre. Having a family of your own does not guarantee you will have someone to care for you in your old age. There is always this possibility of getting neglected, trashed, robbed of your life savings by emotional blackmail and so much more.

My being single is completely unplanned and unintentional. But somehow my heart and mind refuse to believe the criteria of evaluation while deciding a life partner. Height, weight, caste, creed, religion, job… What about being considerate, passionate, caring? Not to forget the series of ‘What Ifs’ that starts looming large whenever I think about the possibility.

Thank You for my peaceful existence. Love You God and look forward to my birthday this month. For the first time in my life, I actually don’t care who plans what for me. I would be happy sharing a coffee and some cake with I, me, myself this year if need be. Aisa hone wala nahin hai waise…

Corporate Blues: Bhut beaabroo hokar…

Dear God

Sample this:

I came from a really long break home and was greeted with a relieving order which was shoddy to say the least. ‘We are not giving you a farewell you see. I don’t think this is a happy occasion.’ Sheepishly, not meeting my eyes my immediate boss said. Ha to maine bhi bol diya ‘Mai farewell tabhi lungi jab mai akhri baar company chhodungi.’ It is not about the farewell you see. The establishment here lost me a long time back when they failed to value a flexible, dead honest, intelligent worker. Still I look at my circumstances and cannot accept the fact that I am being relocated multiple times. I refuse to accept this blatant disregard to my security and well-being, God.

There is a lot of hue and cry about my obstinacy in the company. I say, Hell Ya!! I am obstinate but for all the right reasons. All I need is immaculately followed procedures and transparent practices. When you are swimming against the tide, the tide is not your biggest enemy. Your true enemies are the onlookers on the shore shouting on the top of their voices ‘Tumse na ho payega’

Hum kehte hain kaise nahin hoga! FUCK YOU…I want to shout back.

God, only You know my journey so far. My life has never been a bed of roses but this custom-made bed of worries, misunderstandings, ridicule, false allegations etc is going to give me sleepless nights for ages to come.

So what now? Should I as they say ‘soldier on’ and foray on the path of isolation or should I just jam my leg in the door on the way out and say ‘I ain’t moving.’ As of now my family and friends are perplexed at this new development. I can read this in their eyes ‘Why always you?’ Why always me?

You tell me why because You made me the way I am. This obstinate, straight forward, stubborn yet honest daughter of Yours now places everything in front of You for showing me the correct path to take. Guide me with Your light God for suddenly it is so dark now.

And as far as the farewell is concerned “ACKKKKK THOOOOOOOO” There! It is now taken care of.

Homecoming of the outlaws: Old friends, old wine and the safe ride home

Dear God

First of all, I can’t thank you enough for the long pending visit home and my camaraderie with the little devil – my niece. It is amazing how a child transforms a house and fills it with amazing experiences. That, God is the only regret in my life. For someone who is so good at being a mother, the lack of a child in life is quite hard to cope with. My two little furballs fill this gap quite nicely though. Speaking of gaps God…

Your world works in mysterious ways. 17 years, 11 months and 16 days – give or take a couple of weeks. That is how long I have known these friends. Yet I spent all these years here and never knew they lived a little farther from my place of work. Life gave me the biggest surprise of my life by a chance meeting with them quite recently.

That feeling when you meet after years altogether and yet the conversation takes off as effortlessly as this says so much about your friendship. The years in between melted away in the friendly bantering as the evening took off.

God, I needed this evening and this conversation so much… life, love, politics, feelings and what not. This is what I needed so much. All those sleepless nights, worrisome days were just me needing to be listened to and understood. My wounds are healing God. Thank You.

Speaking of wounds, he is getting married within the next few months. Everything he says or does now is a reiteration of my past experiences. The distance, the lack of communication, the formality, the suggestions and the subtle wish that I get settled now (!). Also the shocked gasps at the extent of my moral corruption when I hinted that all I want is a child in my life, not a husband. Copy, paste!!

Kuchh to naya kar lete is baar Aap! But no, there is something new. The way I lash out and speak up is new. The way I translate the suggestions into his real meaning behind them is new. The way I have gritted my teeth and bared my fangs is new. Thank You.

The men in my life have always treated me as a pit stop and not a destination. But there is someone out there for whom I am the destination. If You did in fact created such a person, I pray to you to bring him to me. Or else… just stop now God. I am tired of being a pit stop and refuse to do this altogether.

Bas ab aur nahin.

Worthless pursuits

Dear God

Sample this:

You come across a really funny satirical video on the internet and forward the link to him. Look at what I got back:

Quote “You have enough time to waste! Congratulations. I don’t understand an intelligent lady like you wastes her time in such silly worthless matters.” Unquote

Slow claps God! Rat race people do not appreciate that someone settled in her career and having some free time on her hands decides to have some fun. Buzzkill…

Suddenly I cringe at the thought of how much time I waste (!) watching TV, writing articles, surfing the net and You Forbid online gaming. OMG!!!

Why does your world have to be like this? Always the utilitarian, always searching for new ways to make use of time, money, age, talent, resources and what not. Your world is always in a jaldi to achieve something, be something, do something. For what? Chetan Bhagat Sir nailed it so many years ago when he said in his speech in Symbiosis ‘Life is one of those races in nursery school where you have to run with a marble in a spoon kept in your mouth. If the marble falls, there is no point coming first….’

But for your world marbles are falling left, right and centre. People hardly care. Love, relationships, friends and all such worthless pursuits like reading. There was a time when he said instead of reading, you can indulge in some more worthwhile thing – like business. I have done my share of transactions for him but now I want to do no more. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work this utilitarian mentality will keep hurting me. It will never be enough.

Having a balanced life is important to me God. I still remember my college days. I never went to watch movies, played video games or read those bestsellers. Just in the hope that one day when I have achieved something in life, I will indulge myself. Now that I have, why not enjoy my time. I am still a kid at heart God.

I earned my right to indulge myself a long time back with the sacrifices I made over the years. I have a right to use them too. 

Living in Exile : Life as a bachelor

Dear God

There is no manual to parenting. What works for one child can go terribly wrong for another and there are no immediate results. You take a decision now and the impact will hit you years after. In addition to comparison with the proverbial model child or ruined bad ass (as the case maybe), the worst thing you can do to your child is blame them for how they choose to live their respective lives. Having said that..

Marriage / Mirage…what’s in a name God when both mean the same for me – Unrealistic expectations. When I imagined my life 10 or 15 years back, I could never imagine I would be living this dream. Now I am. I did well in life and I Thank You for that God. Times when I had no one to turn to, you showed me ways which never existed before. And here I am….

Now it feels weird to think of sharing my life with someone. People on the outside think bachelors have this irresponsible, reckless life and home with no focus or future plans. Tell you what? It is not like that at all. My bachelor’s pad is a blissful happy home where I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want and where too! Being alone is all about being responsible for your home and life.

I love the fact that I never have to choose which side of my bed I should sleep on. I love the fact that I have to ask no one for having two lovely fur balls in my home and help a lot more strays with food and sometimes shelter. I love the fact that I can wear whatever I want, I never have to ask ‘Moti lag rahi hu kya?’ Lag bhi rahi hoti hoon to kya? I start working out and get back in shape or not… by choice and not because my significant other is looking at other girls with admiration. Waise no matter what you do, the significant other will always find the grass greener on the other side. So, who cares?

I love the fact that once I shut the door of my home, sweet home I can just enjoy my peace. Silence is bliss guys…realize that. I also love the fact that I can write these articles without having to abandon my train of thoughts and pause for his coffee or dinner or whatever!!

For those who want to try being with someone else for the rest of their lives… Ja Simran jee le apni zindagi. As far as I am concerned Is Simran ko bhi to jeene ka haq hai ki nahin?

Love You God – My friend, philosopher, guide and what not. Thank You for this life and Thank You for keeping me safe always.

Indian matchmaking : A Review

Dear God

Sample this:

 Aparna 34: Requires ambitious, serious and caring life partner who shares her love of travelling.

Pradyumn 30: Creative, attractive, fond of travelling wants a life partner who is attractive, interesting to talk to and artsy.

Nadia Approx. 30: Extrovert, friendly, outgoing wants a life partner who shares her vivacity.

Now when Seema Aunty set out to match make for these three, I like that she showed bio-datas to all of them. To the guy she showed so many bio-datas and calls him confused when he does not want to meet up with any of them. Smart guy Pradyumn otherwise you would have spent 100s of hours meeting girls who you will never see again in your future. To Aparna she shows one and when she does not want to meet that guy, she just labels her as stubborn and negative. If you ask me, Aparna is not stubborn. She is someone who knows what she wants. Then with her persuasion, she agrees to meet a guy totally not her type. Srini is ok but he is seven years older than her and does not have a concrete future plan. Being indecisive about what to wear is kind of ok sometimes, but this is life we are talking about. Why would we match an ambitious, driven, focussed person with someone who does not know what he/she wants to do in future. It is her life after all. When she refuses to further consider, again the word stubborn! OMG so matchmaking suddenly means you accept the very first proposal you come across…really Aunty?

And then she takes the cake when she matches Aparna with a divorcee who choses to conceal his marital history. That too when Aunty knows and she tries to downplay the whole thing!!

And then we have Akshay: a 20 something young man with marrying young running in the family. The way his mom keeps pressurizing him to get married is so stereo-typically Indian.

Overall for an informed, educated, mature person like me Indian Matchmaking is a dish hardly appetizing.

PS: The views expressed in this article are my own personal opinion and I agree to disagree with people who do not share my views.

 

 

 

When the hurricane hits

Dear God

Thank You for keeping me sane through these crazy times. COVID 19 has gripped the entire earth and is terrorizing us all by its high mortality rate. No one really knows how to battle this unseen monster. All we have known so far is cover, shield and maintain distance. In these difficult times, we also saw so many faces of humanity. Some rose to the occasion like true visionaries and heroes like Sonu Sood sir. Some just took advantage of this as if this crisis too is an opportunity to hoard, loot and selfishly restrict resources to their own limited circle. Corporate Social Responsibility is such a big word and the responsibility attached to it is way bigger now. Our role as a team and as organizations is way larger than what was earlier expected from us.

A very different hurricane hit back home a few months back. We lost a family member. Things after that have been rocky to say the least. It is so hard to bear with this loss for all of us. Yet we all have our own ways to cope.

God I always wonder why we women give so much to a relationship, every relationship. When I was young, I always thought I will always have my own separate existence. I will make my own place in this world and I will make sure whoever is with me knows how much it matters to me. Yet there are times when I enter this world of self-doubt and think was it all worth it? Men are so insecure when it comes to a partner.

The same person who appreciates an independent confident woman would suddenly doubt his wife’s ability to handle things on her own. The same person who will support and encourage his lady friends to have people other than BAE in their lives would be pissed at the number of messages in his significant other’s inbox. The same man who supports and appreciates female colleagues at work will be sceptical about a working wife or better still will make it clear at the time of tying the knot Hum apne ghar ki bahuon se Naukri nahin karwayenge’

I chose to go the other way in life, against the tide. Only time will tell if I was right. Till then, God…I soldier on.

Reflections : Extracts from my personal diary

Dear God 

Gratitude, love , understanding and care all are beautiful things. It has to be a two way street though . Yet we never love the same people back. We take it from someone and pass it on to someone else . Same way we take the hurt, the anger and the resentment and give it to someone who does not have any link with that. The world, the whole world is a victim. All the people are . When is it going to get better- we all think. But we all never do anything to make it better; we never contribute. We just push our anger, our betrayal, our tears, our disappointments back at the world. When in fact, we should just make it right for someone, make it better for somebody in ways big or small.

Life lessons for yours truly…

Dear God

Sample this:

We are in the middle of a conversation discussing personality traits and suddenly this happens:

‘Ek baat puchhu?’ ‘Ab ye mat puchhna ki main tumhare sath hun ya nahin!’

Endless times when we were out of touch for extended periods of time; I asked him this question. It cropped up in many of our conversations and was always an integral part of after fight conversations. Somehow for me, it was always important to have a yes from him. Today when he said this suddenly it dawned ‘If you know, you need not ask. If you ask, somehow you already know the answer.’ It is so wrong to trust someone/anyone with your insecurities and vulnerabilities. On this journey of self-reflection, today I will share my findings with you all.

Chetan Bhagat Sir had known Three mistakes of my life and here I know of these:

a.  Keep your weaknesses to yourself:  The worst possible thing you can do to yourself is sharing your vulnerable side with people. All they do is use them to make you feel worse when you feel bad. Playing to the tune of your insecurities is something so predictable in today’s world. It is akin to bullying normalised.

b. Your secrets are never safe with anyone but yourself: Kisi se mat batana is like cheating on your diet. You know you will end up eating that chocolate cake kept on the table. Remember, just like you trusted someone, this someone in question in turn trusts someone and so on… this is by far the worst chain reaction that you initiate.

c. Never ask anyone else about your personality traits: The opinion in question will always be tainted with their personal experience with you. Remember they can not know your inner thoughts, feelings and experiences. The things you share with people are only tips of icebergs. You and only you will know how your mind and heart works. You have to have faith in your own judgement and perception when it comes to you.

d. When in crowd, play the people pleaser: Mobs are not meant to be a place where you show your insecurities and sob stories. No one is interested in your personal losses and disappointments. If you are feeling sad, hurt, angry or disappointed please keep to yourself.

e. Your smiles are your biggest assets: No matter what is going on in your heart and mind, you have to keep your gaze sharp and your smile intact. Think of it as your nuclear weapon. Indifference to judgemental attitude confuses them and keeps them away from you.

f. Open books are things of the past: Please do not think of being an open book. This age of information overload has ensured that people know you by simply observing. That is why let our personalities be a treasure to be cherished and uncovered little by little. Never reveal it all…

Insane. Am I ….? – The story of a solo trip

Once upon a time in a small city:

‘So you are not coming home?

No, I am planning a solo trip.

WHAT!! WHY?WHEN? I am coming with you…

Please, I have to take this journey alone.

Why? There is absolutely no need and so on and so forth.

He was scared of the possibility and it was evident on his face. His little one, venturing out on her own to a place she has never been before at a time when someone somewhere was getting hitched. Here are her reasons:

1. She is not insane. She is a perfectly mature adult who has the right to go anytime anywhere as she desires. Being on her own only strengthens and empowers.

2. She does not want to listen to how it is not your fault. The fault was all his and he will repent. He will pay for his sins(!) and she will get much better than him. She strictly does not want you to reopen her wounds by saying this or cause any further damage by hurling abuses at her when all else fails.

3. She does not want to look at all the Mr. Eligibels’ profiles dangled in front of her like a bait. Not so soon after she is hurt and is licking her wounds. She is well aware of her biological clock and even then, does not want to be rushed into a decision. She can’t be cornered into making one. She will marry if and only if she finds someone of her choice. But the important thing here is not her finding someone, that someone has to find her.

4. She is in unbearable pain and she is almost doubled up with it. She does not want anyone to see her when she is at her weakest. These last few days of her dying relationship are only for her to bear. She wants to say goodbye in a special way, her way, her very own way. Plus she does not want anyone to have the opportunity to strike this iron while its hot.

5. Why the financial liability – for job security. For helping her carry on with her job She does not want to bother you with her problems. Trust her, this one is on her and if you don’t – not her problem!

6. She wants you to stop fussing over her. She is so far away from everyone right now. Hardly has the will to fight with you or anyone else for that matter. She is doing some things for herself. Neither her reasons, nor her decision is wrong. She is tired, tired, tired. Allow her this respite.

7. No, she is not insane. Not out of her mind… Someone who is planning her every move to the last T is never insane.

Allow her to go on this journey of self-discovery. She will come back when she is ready.

A lot of people may term this as selfish. But she is beyond care now. She knows what she is doing and she will do exactly that. She needs to heal so desperately. She has become a sinking ship which is mustering her last strength to take her ashore. She will emerge better and stronger soon…real soon.

PS: She did…

Conversation kills quicker…

Dear God

Sample this:

“Tumhare pas bahut sa free time hai but mere pas nahin. Tum bekar baithi ho isliye tumhe aise khyal aate hain. Tumhe cooking karni chahiye, bagbaani karni chahiye. Tumhe sunrise ke pahle uthna chahiye. Tumhe basketball (!) khelna chahiye…

Agar tumhe marna hi hai to mera kaam karwa ke tab is duniya se jaana”

The operative here is tumhe. You are the guilty party here for feeling what you feel. That too because you have a lot of time at hand. This one makes you feel even more worthless.

This world is full of hypocrites God. The people who ask you to spend all your money on them are the same who advise you to save some for the rainy day. Moreover, they will be the first to bail out on you in times of crisis. When you are willing to share your hard work and the fruits of your labour with them then they are your best friends. The moment you expect even a little help from them, be ready to receive lectures on self sufficiency and enjoying your own company.

“HELP ME” I can’t spell in any more words. The answer I got is silence and a phone which has been switched off now. He trusts time to do his job. When I ask him why; I am being branded as an attention seeker. It is so easy to attack someone’s self esteem when someone is feeling low. The worst thing about all this is, he accepts what random people say about me. Cunning, conceited, disloyal… the words are all wrong. They are so far removed from reality.

Being needy in a world which only caters to wants is dangerous God and expecting someone to be there for you is even more foolish. You know you have to face these demons alone. He is not afraid to lose you, no one actually is. He is ready to let you go for you have come to a point where he can’t take your melodrama (!). In this world where I am unable to even raise my voice, how do I expect to get a solution?

I don’t. I just have to find enough courage to go on and somehow move to a happy place where I feel light and free. So, help me God. I have to get out of this feeling, all on my own.

……..Silence kills

Dear God

The unbelievable news of actor Sushant Singh Rajput’s death hits us like a hurricane. How could he, why did he, lagta nahin tha ki aisa kar sakta hai and all such words just hung in the air. People find it hard to believe that he is gone. They send love, tributes and share stories of his vibrant and positive personality. All this when he is gone.

When a person steps out of their home, it is hard to see the suffering they have been through. People who spent the whole night crying are the ones who laugh the hardest. People going through difficult times are the ones who console lost souls and impart profound wisdom.

Thinking of all those who left untimely… Friends who could not cope with failure in exams or life I miss them all. Still remember the look in her eyes when I had asked “Is anything wrong? Please tell me if it is.” She chose to remain silent and next what came was the news of her untimely demise.

But can we say with surety that they have never tried to reach out for help? I think he would have made countless calls to people who would have picked up the phone and told him things ranging from “I am busy right now, call me back later?” with no follow up call.

“Its ok, happens to everyone once in a while” – generalizing someone’s feelings.

“You are overthinking everything” – By far the worst because it blames you for what you feel.

“Try to pursue hobbies or interests like reading, games, exercise etc. – Depression takes away all your energy and there is no enthusiasm left for anything. So, to actively pursue anything new and failing at it would end up making you feel worse.

At this point when you are depressed, all you want to do is lie low and do nothing. The body simply wants to shut down, mind is too tired to try. Maybe that is what happened.

A few months back when I was going through a difficult time, my sleepless nights included the thoughts of being one of them. Yet all thanks to You, I never contemplated giving up on life. Hopefully, I never will.

Let's break up....

Dear God

Sample this:

Jo ladki kisi ko apni gadi me bitha ke ghuma sakti hai uske charitr ka koi bharosa nahin. Jo kisi se der raat phone par baat kar sakti hai wo n jane kya kya karti hogi. Jis ladki ke ghar mein uska koi guardian maujud nahin uske yahan aane jane walon ki list yaqinan lambi hogi hi.

Suddenly giving lift to an elderly senior walking past is a grave mistake and a question mark on my character. Lost in a hoard of accusations being flung at me left, right and centre I am once again the centre of attraction of the gossip mongrels. This time it is giving lift… who knew one random act of kindness could be so perceived or offering a cup of tea could wreak such havoc. I have only myself to blame God. The mistake is all mine.

I loved too much, trusted blindly and had immense faith in the goodness of people. My heart is breaking God but I have braced myself for the worst. This time I am prepared to accept what follows even if it is seeing you with someone else. I know that I have ceased to be of use to you now and it is inevitable that you gravitate to someone who is.

God why did You do this to me? Why you gave me courage to face so much so gracefully? But out of all that has happened to me this is by far the worst. I have faced Your world heads on many times but this will be my last battle. I have no further courage to go on. I just want to quit now.

I promise You God I will stop believing in friendship, love, loyalty and all the fine feelings of the world. They are not meant for a person like me. My past experiences are always going to haunt and destroy my present. Why did You have to do this though? You knew his thinking and You knew mine. Yet You chose to bring us both together! Why?

The Glass Ceiling

Dear God

When will I be able to breath free? When will I get out of this fiasco? Is the society ever going to accept working women as thinking beings or they just want us to be overpaid secretaries? I talk too much God and I am not being heard. I am tired now. Every bone in my body aches with the effort. Why is it so hard to get accepted in Your society as a thinking intelligent being?

High ranking jobs, equal remuneration, similar seating positions but a huge difference in the way you are treated. It is hard to discuss plans, ideas, projects when all they do is patronize you! Yeah, no matter how high you go, there is always someone who will try to mansplain it to you. I know no matter how hard I work, no matter how late I go home, they will never see me as a serious working person.

Some of us are used to the treatment we get. Some of us just hand over our responsibilities to others and sign whatever is put in front of them. But someone like me has to question it. This is not what I am paid for. I know it is hard but not impossible. If I give up now and go with the flow, it will be easy but I would not be me.

I have been publicly ridiculed many times in my life. But no matter how many times it happens, I will make sure I emerge victorious. I know no one can see my vision now but slowly and surely, I will carve a place pf my own in Your big- big world. Help me earn my laurels God. Please.

God, please help me carve a place of my own, howsoever small…Please!

Self Love

Dear Readers

Taken from my freind Kausar's FB page, these immortal lines by Gabriel Gonsalves are an amazing life lesson. I was so moved by the sheer power of it:

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is AUTHENTICITY.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it RESPECT.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it MATURITY.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm.  Today I call it SELF-CONFIDENCE.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.  Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it SIMPLICITY.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself.  At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is LOVE OF ONESELF.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is MODESTY.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future.  Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it FULFILLMENT.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick.  But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection WISDOM OF THE HEART.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS LIFE!

Thank You God for sending me this sign to let me know : All is well! 

F*** Women Empowerment : On Women's Day

Dear God

There is so much hue and cry about women empowerment and feminism these days. With movies like Thappad  and Pati, patni aur woh running side by side, we women have a hard time understanding which way the society wants us to go. Just a slap is said in so many tones of disbelief. But life for a woman is a series of slaps.

The very first slap is some of us are denied the right to be born! The second when we are made to walk, talk and behave in a certain way. The society is so happy to raise non rational, robotically obedient, ignorant women. The moment we start taking decisions on our own or voicing opinions, we are considered dangerous and our wings are clipped.

So many weapons in the society’s armory!! From log kya kahenge  to aisi ladkiyon ke sath aisa hi hota hai… What I am telling you today is nothing new God. This is something I have encountered on a daily basis.

Last time we talked about the power (!) of assertiveness. Today I can tell you a tale of apathy. I lost a loved one recently and I still do not have the courage to put my pain in words. But my heart cries due to the blatant disregard shown to the departed soul. That and the way people took my absence as an opportunity to gossip about it. God please knock some sense into these people.

I met my immediate superior the other day and the first thing he says is Why I didn’t come to a certain party? Really Sir? Won’t you give me time to come to terms with my grief? Shame on the people who do not understand how difficult it is to come back to the workplace after such a terrible loss. So many days I hide my tears and put up a brave face. But others, I just feel like running away from all this.

I had no shame in refusing to be a part of the Women’s Day festivities. I have yet to find a reason to celebrate.  Women are still being raped, the glass ceiling is still there, I am still being judged terribly for my choice of attire and what not! Why should I celebrate, You tell me God?

I am going through a really rough patch in life. But with You by my side, I believe firmly I will be out of the dark soon. God please bestow me with enough courage to handle these challenges You have thrown my way. I hope to celebrate the Women’s Day one day….some day… But not yet.

Corporate Blues

Dear God

Sample this:

There is a big inaugural function with chairs and mic and all the shenanigans. The irony – the chairs are empty. There is hardly any person present on the field where we have gathered. I stand alone.

My work has never been more difficult to me. One whole year has passed and the people are still the same. No one knows how we arrange things from scratch. All they do is question my methods and stop my progress. I have been living a nightmare these past few months. Being a woman, it is never easy to have a voice. Now it is incredibly difficult.

My higher ups keep questioning me – why do you always have to work alone? Ahem! Aside for the fact that I already asked for help and did not get it. I had no option but to surge ahead. I don’t know why people hate accomplished women so much. I did not get this job to look pretty and stand aside smiling. I have to be out there in the field. My colleagues question my integrity and my work is the only way I can answer it. Meticulously planned projects are being killed in the bud. Already executed ones are hanging for dear life because of no reason.

It is hard to encounter such hostility and remain sane all the time. When working with a large crowd, the possibilities of things going wrong are endless. Kudos to my team who worked wonders on this one. We pulled it off really well.

But when the time comes to getting their rightful dues, we are being pushed aside by a horde of credit mongrels. What do we do? Vested interests and personal rivalries come together to ruin all my great accomplishments. I feel like throwing in the towel and just go along with everything.

God, please show me the path ahead.