Conditions, conditions….

THE PAST:

‘Tere bare me jab socha nahin tha, mai tanha tha magar itna nahi tha

Teri tasveer se karta tha batein, mere kamre me tab aina nahin tha’

We have come a very long way when it comes to relationships.

From ‘I cannot live without you.’ To ‘I will give living with you a try.’ From ‘I remember you every time I breathe.’ To ‘I will call you if I remember.’ From ‘I love you and I accept you the way you are.’ To ‘Change your ways or I will leave you.’  

From ‘Everything will be alright when we are together,’ to ‘I am ready to jump ship at the slightest hint of trouble.’

We are not waiting for happy endings anymore. We wait for endings. We are threatened by the prospect of putting too much of ourselves in a relationship. Maybe that is the reason why we have songs like ‘Breakup Party.’ We celebrate not landmarks but endings.

All this ho halla about your own identity and space…Oh God the space!!

Give me space…Like you don’t have your own separate place where you stay or a job which takes up most of your daytime or friends who you have to catch up whenever possible. Space is necessary, void is not. Information overload can be avoided but communication gap should not be created.

There is nothing wrong with being interested in what your beloved is up to or calling someone just to hear their voice or telling them that you miss them. Suppressing the desire to say more, do more, be more will make you feel dissatisfied. Feel free to feel what you feel. Allow yourself to open up and see how beautiful your life will be.

THE PRESENT:

Shafaq, dhanak, mehtab, ghatayen, tare, nagme, bijli, phool

Us daman me kya kya kuchh hai, wo daman hath me aaye to.

Hi Jaan

Thank you for understanding my need to reach out to you. And puhleeeeaaaaassseee.

Don’t love me so much. Ok tell me how do you measure ‘so much.’? Like Ek din me ek call kiya to so much nahin hai par ek din me teen call so much hai. Pyar bhi koi sabzi bhaji hai kya jo 2 kilo ya panch kilo hi hai!!

When you say that, subconsciously you are willing to give up on a relationship. You are somehow preparing yourself for the day when the person will not be there. You are waiting for someone to walk away from you if you don’t let them walk with you. The least we can do is not confuse friendship and love. Love is essentially an intense desire to be connected with the person you cherish. Friendship says I will call you when I get the time but love…you accommodate no matter how busy you are or what other engagements you have.

So yes, go ahead and make those calls. No matter how many…

Shower them with all the attention and flood their inbox with messages. Go old school and don’t be afraid to commit yourself to a person.

Seeing other people when you are already in a relationship is unforgivable. Love is meant to be exclusive…Let is stay that way.

There should be that one person in everyone’s life who deserves and demands all your attention… Cherish that person.

PS: Pyar me koi shart nahin hoti aur sharton par pyar karna pyar nahin hota.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Bon Voyage

THE PAST:

Apni marzi se kahan apne safar ke hum hain

Rukh hawaon ka jidhar ka hai udhar ke hum hain

I saw you today and made a dash for the door. Not the reaction I hoped for. Not the courage with which I had let you move on. One look and it all started hurting me even more. All the memories came rushing back. I have so many questions for you yet I ask none. I see you and wonder…Are you happy? I don’t trust the smile I see on your face. I know for a fact my own is a fake…A total sham.

I read and read and read every day. Just like I used to before I met you. I have nowhere to go, no one to meet. No one to talk to…I was always meant to be a recluse. In vain, I tried to fit in.

I still think how different life could have been, had there been an US.

Now that there isn’t I am just trying to pick up the pieces and walk on. I am far from moving on though…

THE PRESENT:

My Jaan

“Tumko dekha to ye khayal aaya, Zindagi dhoop tum Ghana saaya

Aaj fir dil ne ek tamanna ki, Aaj fir dil ko humne samjhaya”

Except that samjhane ki there is no need. I am free to do as I please. Our relationship taught me so many life lessons. The first one being I have a right to be happy. I have a right to expect something from someone other than my own self. I deserve the compliments I get. I am strong and beautiful.

You taught me how I have always sacrificed throughout my life and today I don’t have to. You taught me it is ok to say No at times. No one is going to leave me for being assertive.

You taught me so much. But the best part is you taught me to be fearless in every sense. And for a change…live my life. Not the life I am expected to live.

I love you.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

To hell and back….!!

THE PAST:

Yaad nahin kya kya dekha tha Sare manzar bhool gaye

Uski galiyon se jab laute, Apna bhi ghar bhool gaye

Tujhko bhi jab apni kasmein apne wade yaad nahin

Hum bhi apne khwab teri ankhon mein rakh kar bhool gaye

Dear You…

When one relationship does not work, there is no rule which says you cannot or should not get another chance. There is no rule which said I could not feel what I felt for you. There is no rule which says I will not remain loyal to you. Yet for girls like me, it’s always a Catch 22. If you stay in the relationship inspite of all the hardships, you are termed as obstinate. If you don’t; you are fleeting and disloyal.

It irked you no end when I used to compliment you or call you sweet nothings. What was supposed to be an endearment became a cursed word when you said ‘Isi naam se kis aur ko bhi bulaya hoga na aapne.’

When I wrote letters to you, addressed to you and you alone, you wanted to know what I did for someone else. Our relationship was never ours; it was always overshadowed by a person who did not exist in my life anymore.

I tried harder to make you believe in my love for you. Yet you chose to turn a blind eye to my feelings and heartlessly, yes heartlessly crushed my confidence for making me feel I was doing it for the second time. So it was nothing new for me…

Inspite of all the faith I have in myself, my tryst with you always made me feel less so. I was always searching for my faults, my shortcomings. Thankfully, I don’t anymore.

THE PRESENT:

‘Unki nigah mein hai mere dil ki dastan

Mai sochta hun ab mere kehne ko kya raha’

Nazmi kisi ki yaad ke sab zakhm bhar chuke

Ek zakhme-arzu jo hara tha hara raha

“Jaan!” Really? Like really?

Wow! I never knew you could be so cheesily romantic. Cheesy yet beautiful… I am still haunted by the ghosts of the past hence my cold reaction to all your endearments. I am scared to place my trust in you, even though it’s not your fault. I am afraid to open up. I have no answer to your question “Do you trust me?” I really want to say yes but I can’t.

The last time I said yes to it, I was rewarded with abandonment. Someone chose to forsake me only because I trusted him blindly. So should I give fate another chance to mock me? Or just take it really slow this time? Slow is nice…for it will give me a chance to know you better. I will never say yes when I want to say no.

I know you will wait it out for me…

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The (In) Secure Relationship

THE PAST:

Kisi ranjish ko hawa do ki mai zinda hun abhi

Mujhko ehsas dila do ki mai zinda hun abhi

Zeher peene ki to aadat thi zamane walon

Ab koi aur dawa do ki mai zinda hun abhi

Dear God

Teach me how to live God. I pray, I am not asking for happiness but I would welcome some stability, so I need not run all over the place looking for love and confirmation. Give me substance God, Give me a life that has not been lived for nothing and protect my child. (Adapted)

Dear love

Whatever I may be, whatever sins I committed, I am not and have never been a liar. My life is an open book, to see and judge as you please. Things you don’t know about me are the things you never asked. Not because I was hiding something. My closet isn’t even locked darling, so the skeletons you saw were out in the open. Not in the closet.

If you wish to judge me based on that, please do. For I am free to do what I want and you are free to think as you please.

Why don’t I change? That is because you never asked me to. It is as simple as that, sweetheart.  

I love you to the moon and back. I mean it! Try me…                     

PS: You were right. ’Mere jaisi ladki ko koi ladka apne ghar nahi le ja sakta.’ Thank you for reminding me.

THE PRESENT:

Welcome back…2 I’ll be counting the number of times we fought and made up. I will be counting every single time you shouted on me and then had to eat your words. That is going to happen quite a lot of times…believe me.

The worst part of being a feminist is never giving up. Not even at the cost of social acceptability and conformation. I give up everything for the right to be what I am. Not that the things I lost were not precious to me. I love you but I am not afraid to lose you for retaining my individuality. You fell in love with the person you met. If I change myself for you, I will cease to be the person you fell in love with. I am different and I have the courage to be different always.

PS: To give up something for you is no big deal, my love. You just have to ask.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Defying the odds

THE PAST:

Securing an arranged relationship is pretty much like buying insurance. You choose one time investment and get guaranteed returns subject to market risks.

My first tryst with an arranged relationship was when daddy dearest went to approach a guy for inviting him home… Chai ki tray wala scene ke liye…That would have been the next thing followed by five minutes to talk….It was a good relationship on paper. We both work in the same office…same position…locations matched. Except what happened was ‘The guy in question was not at home. His elder brother was.’ The way he handled this was atrocious and incorrigible to say the least. At our home, if a stray dog approaches, we give them something to eat before driving them away. But this man made my father, a respectable banker, stand outside his house at the Chauraha. One look at my bio-data and he went all like…The girl is a midget. She will not suit with my brother; he is like really tall. That was it; that is all he had to say.

I can’t believe being 4 feet 9 inches in height could matter more than the kind of person I am. But that was it.

That is when I decided I will never subject my progenitor to that kind of humiliation again. Anyone who asks for my hand has to do the asking. Not the other way round. I will call the shots.

THE PRESENT:

Dil ki takhti par hun likhti Ishqa, Ishqa

Jag kya jane dil ko mere Ishqa Kiska

Ban ke chahat nazaron se khat likhna

Tu hai jaisa mujhko waisa dikhna

Shatham Shaathyam Samacharet is the way I am now.

What goes around comes around. I rejected a guy because I hated the way he looked. As I deleted his photograph, I was having second thoughts about giving him a chance. I am glad I did not… I never got it so I will not give it to anyone else too. Nah! I am not unfeeling and cold. I am only settling the score with the world. Compromise is not my way of life anymore. Understanding is…

PS: I am so glad I found you.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The Angry Indian Goddess aka me

THE PAST:

Bandgi hamne chhod di hai Faraz

Kya Karen jab log Khuda ho jaye

Shhhhhh!!!! I am seriously done with this life…all this work, M TIRED!! Recently, I changed everything in my life…Redecorated my home, ordered all new and shiny stuff and changed my look as well. And I did it all by myself. The beauty of it all is I have not asked anyone for opinion. It’s liberating if you ask me. Obstinacy pays!!

As I revel in the joy of my new life, a few ghosts from the past still make me upset. I am so scared to trust again, love again, become whole again. There is this huge hole in my heart where I had harboured wishes, dreams and sometimes love. Yet in the back of my mind, I know I am a very strong woman. I am perfectly capable of overcoming everything. I know that and yet…I can’t help but think people perceive me as unfeeling and cold. So soon after everything happened, I am expected to pick up the pieces and forget everything. People take ages to overcome things like this. Not that I am not trying. Plus everyone reminds me of how I am so well-endowed that mundane things like a damaged soul cannot shake me. Duh! If only they knew…

THE PRESENT:

Dil ko apni bhi khabar na lage

Koi achha bhi is qadar na lage

Yesterday you asked me what is so special about you. You are a fairly ordinary person. Look closely…Strength, resolve, determination, overcoming struggles, fighting the demons in your heart and emerging victorious and yes being the underdog. All are fairly lovable traits. Also the fact that you have a higher purpose in life…

What more could I have asked for? A little attention…Some appreciation…to have and to hold, in sickness or health, for rich or poor, as long as we both shall live. Plus the right to call you my own.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The homecoming of the outlaws II

THE PAST:

Like you said ‘Let bygones be bygones.’

THE PRESENT:

Tum sa mile jo koi hamsafar duniya se kaun dare

Char kadam kya sari umar chal dungi sath tere

My love

Welcome back! Thank you for restoring my faith in my ability to retain a relationship. I would be lying if I say I was not worried about the prospect of losing you forever. I would have lost not because I held you tight but because I gave you a choice. Choices are pretty powerful things, love. They make or break people. I know what I asked you to do is a mean feat. Little do you notice, I demand the same from myself too!  

What happened in a couple of days was a nightmare. It just gave us both a glimpse into what could happen if we both grew apart. We have been great friends to each other. I love the comfort we share. The same comfort drew me to you and made me ask for more….like retaining this relationship for a lifetime. You say we can be friends for life. Duh! You seriously think the society will let us do that. What will actually happen without some commitment is that we will grow apart. Having known you the way I do and especially after I open up my heart, mind and soul to you, I don’t think I can share the same rapport with someone else. This is not selfishness, it is self-preservation. A calculated risk is always better than an arbitrary one.

Please stop drilling into my mind about how you are a difficult man to deal with and all…I am the most difficult woman to handle on Planet earth…Ask my folks, they have had the hardest of times raising me. The beauty of it all is- all this while I never lost my tenderness while staying firm in my decisions.

Stay with me love. I will give you a lot of opportunity to fight me. But before that, fight for me. Do not underestimate my ability to irritate you to the moon and backJ. A secure relationship means so much more than the whole wide world. Please let’s just be strong for each other.

PS: It should be illegal for couples to break up without a 3 months prior notice ;)!

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

A forged relationship

Tu ja raha hai to tanhaiyan bhi leta ja

Talukkat ki parchhaiyan bhi leta ja

Gai ruton ka har ek lamha mujhko lauta de

Fir apni yadon ki purvaiyan bhi leta ja

THE PAST:

Love means never having to say you are sorry

                                                       -Eric Segal in Love Story

But I am really sorry for falling in love. Anything in the world, any crisis under the sun is much better than what I am going through right now. I should have been what everybody else was yet I begged   demanded to differ. Serves me right! For life is not all about yellow carnations. Life is about fake relationships, forced commitments, acting under pressure and pretending to like it. That is seriously so not me…so what! If half the world can do it, maybe I can do it too. So what if it damages my soul…So what if I do not like the sound of it! Life is all about giving up on your dreams and accepting blindly what is being offered. Beggars cannot be choosers after all. The whole world thrives on this sadistic misogynistic tendency. Here I was happy in my own cocoon. Thinking if I waited long enough, tried harder, had a little more patience it would one day turn out all right. It did not…The people who lost faith in me are not to be blamed. I am…For I still have faith in them.

Putting my life on line is what I did all my life. I do not know how not to do it. I risk it all always and maybe lose. Yet I start again and put it all out there willing to lose it all over again.

THE PRESENT:

Dear love

Giving up on my dreams is what you want from me as do all the people I know. People around me always wonder where I draw the strength from… I lost it all and risked it again…That is how you see it. The world has never wanted me to be happy; they just want me to conform to the norms. They just want me to do what everyone else does. You made me promise I will do it.

Yet I once again beg to differ. I do not need a person in my life to make me happy. I do not wish to start a family, I so do not want to be classically conditioned and become a person I am not from within. As within, so without is such a simple thing. Yet you want me to complicate my life in the worst way possible. Marriage does not mean spending your life with a person. A hoard of new relationships comes with that. How am I going to be faithful to it all if I do not believe in it?

That is so not me…Knowing me the way you do, I am horrified you asked me to do it. Say it to my face, baby. Maybe then I will think about it!

PS: I promise you nothing; just as you did not promise anything to me.  

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The homecoming of the outlaws

THE PAST:

Kisko Aati hai masihai kise awaz dun

Bol Ae Khoonkhar Tanhai Kise Awaz Dun

Chup rahu to har lafaz dasta hai nagan ki tarah

Aah bharne me hai ruswai kise awaz dun

Dear Family

Arrogant, Self-centred, money-minded…After all the years of trying to love the humanity and you all this is what I got labelled as…My own people are saying this so maybe it holds true…Sadly you will be disappointed to know that It does not. What you actually do is parrot away the views of the society about a successful woman and the sad part is that woman is one of your own. And it ceases to matter to you all!!!

This is not how I saw myself…Yes I believe I am at war with the whole wide world and yes I have no place for anyone in my life. Your suggestions are all directed towards making peace with the people who do not value me.

Without even knowing what I go through, you label intrusiveness and excessive interference in my life as their caring nature! Caring people are the ones who do things with love, not deliberately mention all your weaknesses in front of prying eyes and ears glued to the walls. These are the people who want to have a peak at my most intimate feelings and thoughts so they can make a joke out of it.

The problem with you all is you have never accepted me for the person I was or I am. You don’t even know me…You don’t. All the years when you raised me, you were so busy with the nitty gritty of everyday life that you failed to smell the rose that bloomed in your garden. You have exceptionally intelligent children, papa. All very successful and please the lip service you pay to our success never reached your eyes! It never does.

I want to see love in your eyes, not your words.

THE PRESENT:

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

Whoever wrote this never underwent separation anxiety or caregivers stress. What distance actually does is cloud you in mystery and suspicion. You lose connect with how a person evolves and changes over time. Daddy’s little girl is what you see and a grown up mature adult is what I have become. It’s confusing how you don’t want to let go of my hand in the walk of life and yet want me to decide all by myself – right from the colour of my hair to the kind of car I want to drive…Oh Hell!! When did she learn to drive…? See you missed that too. Be open and be honest with the loved ones in your life. That is the only way out. And please!!! Just because they grew up right in front of your eyes does not necessarily mean I will always be two years old.

I love you all…Love me back.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Nothing helps …

THE PAST:

Tum naya zakhm lagao tumhe isse kya hai

Bharne wale hain abhi zakhm purane kitne

Bheed lag jati hai jalte hue ghar ke aage

Aag aate hain magar log bujhane kitne

Dear Family

Last night’s conversation with you all was acerbic yet honest. Sometimes you have to go through pain to appreciate the pleasure a relationship offers. Our relationship offers both simultaneously. Its paradox personified…

You asked me to re-consider my stand regarding marriage. Sorry!! No go, at that. I am thoroughly enjoying my new found freedom so the ones soliciting you for my hand may please take a hike. I know it sounds arrogant and stupid. Yet when I am alone in the evenings at home and look around myself, I feel at peace. I don’t need to share my life with anyone to feel complete, not now…not ever. I celebrate my life the way it is.

I am not saying I will never be ready to commit to someone. That time will come for sure…Just not now. Girls are seldom offered choice to live their lives the way they want, they are often punished for choosing their path. Like I am being punished for putting my career ahead of a so called settled life!

I am settled Papa. I am settled not because I have money…but because I have a vision and a firm stand regarding my life.

Believe me I tried really hard to conform to acceptable social norms regarding everything. But somehow I do not have faith in the system anymore…Sorry.

THE PRESENT:

Dear Family

Thank you for giving me the space and freedom to decide my own course. The society is just a bystander papa. They are never going to help you out with anything. Then let us not decide our course, let them not define our choices. The society is very fond of norms and customs. Yet all their customs are directed at subtle domestication of women. I refuse to succumb to the pressure they are trying to build for only I know what is best for me.

Let me heal myself first, then I will think of anything else. Give me some time…as much time as I need. Please….

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

Babul Mora Naihar Chhooto hi Jaye

THE PAST:

This one for my family:

I still remember the day I was leaving for my post-graduation in a different city. It was not the letting go you wanted or the society expected from us both. There is a good bye where you say bye to the life you lead, people you know and welcome new experiences into your life. The equation you share with your family transforms completely when you get married. My equation with you all also evolved, albeit not due to marriage.

These days I have taken pretty powerful decisions, informed decisions, tough decisions, every day decisions and did it all by myself. You are all hurt at the prospect of being a mere spectator in my life. After all, who expects a grown up daughter to handle her finances, travel plans, future plans and so much more all by herself. Yet I did all that and there is more where it came from.

My relationship with you is now different, we all are different. You have raised me to be what I am now. I owe all my success to you. In fact, I owe everything to you. Revel in the joy of finally being free of having to take care of me. The reverse is now coming true. It’s my turn to take care of you. 

THE PRESENT:

Dear family,

The society does not expect its women to be independent. It wants them to have someone to lean on. Thoroughly confusing!

The society is responsible for some very huge changes in our lives and yet it wants us to treat it like an innocent bystander. The same society forced Sita to be a single mother, to raise her children alone in the wilderness. Today’s single mothers have crèches and day care…Yet the job remains the same.

I am a woman and yet I am independent and single even after crossing 30!! Not that I am wildly defying some social norm but my marital status is bothering them a lot. I can’t help but remember that they are the reason he backed out. Otherwise who knows…I would have been leading a happily married life long time back. Doing the right thing is never easy. I can’t help but remember his mother’s parting words…The time when she threw random names of important people she knew and said ‘Unse pressure dalne ko kehte to shayad kuchh ho jaata.’ So see I could have an amazing life had I chosen to subject him to social pressure. In vain, I tried to carve out my relationship out of love and understanding.

PS : Love is the only reason people should get married, yet the society always is against any form of it. It’s time they changed…

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty. 

The Acid Attack -On Women’s day

THE PAST:

Happy Women’s Day!

Sounds like ‘save the tiger’ to me! Kya hua?  Sounds harsh that I compare myself to an animal or am I overestimating myself by putting myself in the same league as The King of The Jungle. The backstabbing has not yet stopped. I don’t think it will stop anytime soon. After all, I have picked up the pieces and tried to re-build my life so soon after the latest disaster. The whole society which drilled ‘Forgive him and move on’ is now agitated. Angry as I have tried to take a firm step towards a new beginning. Stunned that a broken woman like me has found the courage in my heart to trust again, love again, be whole again.

I think of all the acid attack victims now and think of the subtle acid attacks I have encountered in my life. The chemical thrown at someone is one thing and the power of the vicious tongue is one, yet they are the same for me. The reasons for the attack are weird to say the least. A small piece of news I read a while back still haunts me:

‘Kash maine us din jeans na pehni hoti.’

Here an acid attack victim recalled the day she wore a jeans and the culprit had seen her wearing it. What appals me is she holds herself responsible for the unimaginable ordeal she was subjected to. Frankly, I think of the times I wore a western dress and I am scared now. For I never kept a record of how many people saw me wearing the same. I don’t know how many of them will approach me with their vile intentions and decide I deserve a harsh lesson for being indifferent to them. Or worse still, protest.

THE PRESENT:

Be Brave…That is the message I get when I see the acid attack victims walking the ramp in a fashion show, qualifying exams or starting business ventures. Instead of indulging in self-pity, they picked up the pieces of their lives and built a beautiful life once again. They have taught us a lesson in perseverance and overcoming obstacles. The time has come when acid attack victims will not be forced to spend their lives in oblivion. Instead they will outshine and mesmerise the world with their talent.

Happy Women’s Day Indeed.

Disclaimer: The story I share with you all today; may or may not be true. For as a writer I am certainly influenced by what I see around me. At the same time, I retain what I call and known as artistic liberty.